[Cat1864]

Interesting...I did notice a change of behavior on my 4 yr old, she is more stubborn and just cryes to get attention. She argues back all the time, which she never used to do. She over does it infront of my husband and we thought that is was due to our new addition or just the age. If is just ous two she listens more and understands when I ask her to do something rather than having battles with her on sharing with her brother or getting her to help around the house. I am glad to have found you!!!;)

It could be age related. If daddy doesn't interact with her as much as you do, she could be trying to get his attention, which is very normal at her age. It could also be her way of telling you that she is picking up on the tensions in the house.

[talaniman]

He could use a "man-cave"!! Probably, so can you!

[clearlyconfused]

That is it, but I am not even going to attempt to go there, he is already having issues anyway and if I ask him to spend more time with her or interact he will think I am trying to control him, or use the kids to keep him around, since he told me that this past weekend. He can't even stand to hear them play, everything bothers him about them. My son has had a fever since Sunday and he has not asked once if I've taken him to the doctors or how he is feeling, his fever was so high last night and even with the medicine in him, and did he care to ask when he got home from being out all day? NO!! This is something else that is stressing me out, since I feel that I have to make sure my kids don't fuss or cry otherwise he just says: do you think this is going to make it better! And then I get frustrated because I feel like my kids are horrible although I know they are not but I'm trying to keep him content.

[Cat1864]

he also talks about all the hard work that he will doing for our kids

However, he doesn't want to have anything to do with 'our kids'?

This is something else that is stressing me out, since I feel that I have to make sure my kids don't fuss or cry otherwise he just says: do you think this is going to make it better! And then I get frustrated because I feel like my kids are horrible although I know they are not but I'm trying to keep him content

That almost makes me want to recommend that his 'man cave' be a doghouse.

My son has had a fever since Sunday

I hope the little guy gets to feeling better very quickly. :)

Have you heard of BeKoool Kids gel pads for reducing fever?
BeKool Kids

[clearlyconfused]

[

I hope the little guy gets to feeling better very quickly

Thank you for your concern, he is doing better!
Well, my husband surprisingly didn't go to the bar last night, but he left to the "bookstore" as soon as I got home from work and was gone pretty much all evening. By the time he got home he talked again, but it was all about the kids and I just sat down and listened. But it seems like if I say what I think is happening to him, or just my opinion, he just gets upset and tells me that I have no idea what he is going through, so I just listened but then he wants to know what I think and I just tell him that it doesn't matter obviously he's already made up his mind, and we don't feel the same way about each other, then he goes on to tell me that he knows that he will better off without me and that maybe he will be a better father, as if I was the problem! He was gone for about a week to see an ill relative and he went out pretty much everyday, so he said that when he was gone that week he felt free and he didn't miss me at all or thought about me and that is why he knows that he doesn't want to be with me, he said he didn't feel any remorse about going out to a club, which we never do as a couple or I should say haven't done in a long time. He expects me to seat there and just let him tell me that he doesn't love me and I should just smile about it. I'm still shocked about all this as it is. I never visualized me as a single mother. He also was talking about all this divorce books that he was glancing through at the bookstore and that all make sense. I think that you attract what you want in your life and I learned that from him, since he used to be so possitive and such a great, fun person to be with. So what am I supposed to think? Obviously he is attracting divorce... why not look for marriage and happy couples or anything that can bring this back, but of course I kept it all in, I am just praying that somehow he runs into someone that we'll make me realize that he is going through a crisis and he needs help. Although he had said that he was going to get help up to today I haven't seen him calling or doing anything about it, other than drinking away and just avoiding being home. I can't get over this whole thing, I cry pretty much all day and all night. Nights are worst for me since he is home and I have him close but I have to keep my distance. :(

[Catsmine]

One suggestion after reading through all this. Have you tried not making statements and simply asking questions to draw him out? With some people that tactic alone can reverse their withdrawing into themselves.

I'm not qualified to make any diagnosis but it does seem he is feeding his self-esteem to his doubts bit by bit by bit.

[clearlyconfused]

I don't even respond anymore, I just listened and try not to show my pain, since I've read some other threats here. What questions should I ask?regarding our marriage, or just him?

[talaniman]

What is his relationship to his father, and what kind of background was his family like? Does he have friends?

He sounds like a guy who needs some talking to by an older male.

[clearlyconfused]

What is his relationship to his father, and what kind of background was his family like? Does he have friends??

Well, that actually started this whole thing. He didn't grow up with his dad. His dad cheated on his mom while she was pregnant with him, but they were not married. My husband met him when he was 13 and see him not as often as he would like to, but they are so close even though they hardly ever talk, is weird. They are so much alike, they think and act alike in so many ways. So that week that he was gone, like I mentioned earlier, he spent a day with him, and his dad confesed to my husband that he was still in love with his mother and has never been happy with his wife of 27 yrs, that he regrets all the damage and everything that he did to her and to other women, just like my husband feels, and I think that is where my husband started thinking of all the women that he has hurt and been with and also his first love and how he also cheated on her although they didn't have any kids and he was very young, so that is why he starting to doubt about our marriage because of this conversation with his dad. Keep in mind that my husband loves his dad like nobody else, he looks up to him, he know how much they thinks alike and act alike, even though it might not be a good action, he is always proud of him.

[talaniman]

I think you back up, and not take his vents, or rants personally, and do for yourself what you need to, that makes you happy, while he gets his own head together.

While he suffers, and you do too, because you are there helpless, to do for him, all you can do is encourage and support, and make sure you do for yourself.

It's a realization that takes adjusting too. But you can get through this. Sometimes silence, and taking no action, is the best action.

[clearlyconfused]

I think you back up, and not take his vents, or rants personally, and do for yourself what you need to, that makes you happy, while he gets his own head together.

Thank you so much!

[clearlyconfused]

I am still so confused, and apparently so is he. We are still sleeping together, he acts like nothing is going on, we talk some but not as much as we used to. I try not to ask him too many questions or bug him, but it is hard when I see him thinking constantly and not really listening when we talk to him. I did notice how protective of his phone is has become, which he never cared, so I decided to look into it and of course found a number that I didn't recognized and is an out of state number, so I didn't say anything to him, since he does have family near that city. I figure I should check his contacts first then may be. I checked every single contact just in case it was a secondary number, but nothing, and to make it worse, he has been deleting all of his calls as he finishes and also his texts, but I did notice on his "previous text" that number was there as if he texted. I am trying to be optimistic about it, but why delete them if there isn't anything to hide, right? When he dials the number he makes it private so that they won't call him back either. The area code is nowhere near where his relatives live, I googled it and found a name, but now what... should I call it? Should I talk to him first? Or should I just wait. When we talked this past weekend he told me not to worry about anything, that he is with me now and that only time will decide, but when I found out all of this, I am just so hurt, I can't even sleep just thinking of what he says or texts to this person, why so secretive. I've tried to be so patient and even affectionate, but he just almost gives me a disgusted look. When we go to bed, he waits downstairs until he thinks that I'm asleep then he comes up to our bedroom. I still try to get close to him, but he just sleeps as far as he can, if I we meet down the hallway or in the kitchen he completely turns his back on me. I don't know if I should just ignore him and not try anymore, but I'm afraid that if I do that he will have an excuse to blame it all on me and then leave. Please help.

[Homegirl 50]

I knew this was coming.
I read through all of this because I did not want to jump to conclusions. He may be going through a mid life crises but my first thought was he has a girl friend, may be a cyber-one, but one nevertheless.

Don't take anymore crap from him. Tell him if he is going through something he needs to takes steps to get help but you will not tolerate you and the kids being disrespected.
I would also tell him if he has a girl friend (and yes I'd let him know about the phone and texts) he needs to decide if he wants a good wife and family or a girl friend because he cannot have both. And don't give him forever to make up his mind.

If you decide to let him hang around, get some counseling for yourself so this won't break you.
I wish you well.

[talaniman]

You need to be alert and get more facts, and never act on assumptions.

After 15 happy years, you have a storm brewing, to deal with.

[clearlyconfused]

I've been so sick to my stomach all morning from this. I can't stop thinking about what he is doing, or if he's on the phone with her right now, or wondering what time he'll call her. I never had a problem leaving my personal problems outside of work, but right now I can't even concentrate. I called him not too long ago, and he didn't answer, which he normally always does. I was so tempted to call her, but then again, I don' want to make him upset, I am scared to lose him, I hate feeling this way. I know I shouldn't be afraid, but this is something that I never thought I was going to experience. We weren't having any issues at all until this all of the sudden appeared. I just want my marriage back. I want to enjoy life. I want to have fun with our kids and most of all I want to be loved. This is so painful... I hate my life right now.

[Homegirl 50]

I still think you need to sit down and voice your concerns. He needs to know what he is doing to you and the family and he needs to explain himself, get some help or deal with what he is doing.
Tip toeing around this will not make it go away.
Get some counseling yourself though so you can get through this.
I wish you well.

[clearlyconfused]

Thank you, I will try to bring it up tonight. I know I need to do this not only for me but for my kids. I just hate it. I sometimes hope that it was a nightmare. That somehow I will wake up one morning and everything will be back to normal. I pray for strength everyday.

[Homegirl 50]

I know this is very hard. I went through this in my own marriage many years ago and you can get past it.

If it is not another woman, you still need to talk to him and get an understanding.
If he is not willing to get help, if it is not another woman, then he needs to decide to treat you his kids and the marriage with respect.
I will keep you in my prayers.

[clearlyconfused]

Thank you again. I should just get the courage to do it, but it is so hard. I will get help and if he wants to go, great, if not I still have to do it for me. I am so drepressed that I cry over everything. I can even have anyone ask how I am doing, because I start to cry. I think of all the good times and how hard is going to be without him. My daughter doesn't want to go to bed because she thinks she is never going to see him again.

[Homegirl 50]

Perhaps you can suggest marriage counseling to him. This affects the family so he really needs to take steps to do something.