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Caligula · May 9, 2010, 07:14 AM

Hey everyone. Please take your time to read this, all answers will be very appreciated. :)

So, I have this girlfriend, we have been dating for about 7 months now and Im not going to say specific ages but we are both teens with the same age, both virgins and love each other very much.

About 2 months into the relationship I asked her about sex, and she said she simply wasn't ready for it, I thought sure, no big deal.

Last week ( 5 months later ) I asked her again about it, and she said no again, I though OK she is really not into sex, its not the end of the world, therefore I asked if she wanted something softer like fingering or if she could give me a handjob for example and she still said no, she couldn't even think about such thing. And this is were it started getting weird, I mean sure she may not be ready for sex but what would be the problem of giving me something like a handjob if we are 7 months into a relationship and we are very close to each other, its not like I have any diseases or something.

Anyway, some minutes after the conversation I asked her when she kissed me and cuddled with me, if she did it for pleasure or simply for love, she answered that it was for love only. What should I think of this? Basically it means that she never took any kind of pleasure for me or ever felt any kind of physical attraction for me and does it all for love, am I right? I know this may be a positive thing. But I also know that she is sometimes horny when she looks at her favorite movie stars etc... which means that there are some men that attract her, why doesn't she feel the same of me if Im her boyfriend?

It took me a lot to get to the point where id decide to ask this kind of question online, please help.

P.S. She also explicitly said that she wasn't going to feel ready anytime soon, which makes me kind of sad, how should I react?

Cat1864 · May 9, 2010, 07:36 AM

You may not want to say, however, I am asking: exactly how old are both of you?

Caligula · May 9, 2010, 07:39 AM

Well OK, I'm 17 and she's 16, sure you might say we are too young but how come she gets sexually turned on by other men and not with me?

terrorshow · May 9, 2010, 07:42 AM

I think you're overthinking the last part, I'm certain she didn't say what she said because she's not attracted to you.

As for the intimacy part - it can take a lot when you're a virgin and don't have that experience. The when I lost my virginity I was scared stiff, I was too scared to even touch him sexually as I didn't have any experience in that area! Luckily he wasn't a virgin so he guided me in gently. We still had arguments in later days over how I never gave him blowjobs... until he realised it was because I'd never done it before (and I'd heard how great his ex was at them so I didn't really want to try in case I didn't live up to her standards!)

Why not try caressing her and making her feel at ease more? Take things slow and don't push her, it may just be that she's scared. Instead of expecting her to do things, gently guide her hands to places on your body.
If its still a no then I'm afraid you're going to have to put up with it until she's ready or find someone else. Pushing her is the worst thing you can do.

Caligula · May 9, 2010, 08:04 AM

I try my best not to push her, I mean, in 7 months we have talked about sex 2-3 times. I don't really care if its her giving me a blowjob, handjob etc or me fingering her. All I wan't is to get more intimate with my girlfriend so we can be even more happy together... is that so wrong?

Catsmine · May 9, 2010, 08:12 AM

Originally Posted by terrorshow

Why not try caressing her and making her feel at ease more? take things slow and don't push her, it may just be that she's scared. Instead of expecting her to do things, gently guide her hands to places on your body.

This is exactly the way to scare a sixteen year old off permanently.

Caligula, you wonder about her having sensations when visually stimulated. Don't you? It's called physical adolescence: the body adapting to the hormonal changes involved in maturing.

I'm afraid she is not going to be one of those people that distinguish having sex from making love. She might just be right about it.

Cat1864 · May 9, 2010, 08:24 AM

She is 16 years old. She should be staying away from sexual contact of any type. It limits the chances of things going too far and her becoming a teenage mother.

Stop thinking with your hormones and think with your brain. She says she loves you and you do get hugs, kissing, and cuddling. That should be enough at the ages you both are at. You seem to dismiss her love as not enough because she doesn't fool around. Think about what that says about your mentality.

As for her becoming 'aroused' by actors or, more likely, characters, it is safer than allowing herself to get aroused by her boyfriend. Characters can't get her pregnant.

terrorshow · May 9, 2010, 08:28 AM

Originally Posted by Catsmine

This is exactly the way to scare a sixteen year old off permanently.

Ok maybe I phrased it badly looking back at it, I didn't mean hands on the goods OP!

Caligula · May 9, 2010, 08:44 AM

Originally Posted by Cat1864

She is 16 years old. She should be staying away from sexual contact of any type. It limits the chances of things going too far and her becoming a teenage mother.

Stop thinking with your hormones and think with your brain. She says she loves you and you do get hugs, kissing, and cuddling. That should be enough at the ages you both are at. You seem to dismiss her love as not enough because she doesn't fool around. Think about what that says about your mentality.

As for her becoming 'aroused' by actors or, more likely, characters, it is safer than allowing herself to get aroused by her boyfriend. Characters can't get her pregnant.

I don't dismiss her love for me, actually, we are currently having a long distance relationship were we only see each other about once a week, which I spend a lot of my time speaking to her on the phone or text messaging her, trying to keep our relationship alive. How is that dismissing her love?

I still don't see what's wrong with wanting some deeper intimacy 7 months into a relationship, sure, she might be afraid of getting pregnant but I also made clear to her that if she doesn't want sex, its OK and we can try out easier stuff.

Whatever, I accept the fact that she wants to stay away from any kind of sexual contact at this age, but how am I supposed not to want any kind of intimacy with my girlfriend at this age?

Catsmine · May 9, 2010, 09:01 AM

Originally Posted by Caligula

how am I supposed not to want any kind of intimacy with my girlfriend at this age?

This is a common confusion amongst adolescents. You are more concerned with physical intimacy than being close emotionally. At seventeen if you weren't it would be cause for concern. Your hormones are screaming so loudly that I'm impressed that you heard her at all.

Church and society say you have to wait until marriage or at least majority before you can vent those hormones. Old school rules say visit a pro and get it out of your system. I hope you listen to society. These days pro's can be deadly.

Caligula · May 9, 2010, 09:18 AM

Originally Posted by Catsmine

This is a common confusion amongst adolescents. You are more concerned with physical intimacy than being close emotionally. At seventeen if you weren't it would be cause for concern. Your hormones are screaming so loudly that I'm impressed that you heard her at all.

Church and society say you have to wait until marriage or at least majority before you can vent those hormones. Old school rules say visit a pro and get it out of your system. I hope you listen to society. These days pro's can be deadly.

Could you be more specific? Are you saying that I should seek professional help because I want to try out new things and live my life/be happy?

Its not like I'm going to dump her if she doesn't want to get more intimate, its just something that if she did, she would make me a happier. But if that's not the case, I still love her more than anyone else I have ever loved.

I'm looking more into final answers rather than advices, what should I do ultimately?

Catsmine · May 9, 2010, 09:37 AM

Originally Posted by Caligula

Could you be more specific? Are you saying that I should seek professional help because I want to try out new things and live my life/be happy?

No, the professionals I was referring to are called sex workers in some places.

Ultimately, wait until she's ready. Hopefully that will be after you're both over eighteen so that there won't be legal ramifications. Waiting will also give your relationship time to mature into a real lifelong love.

Again, let me commend you on a very mature approach to a very common problem. I don't think I handled it that well when I was seventeen.

Caligula · May 9, 2010, 12:04 PM

Originally Posted by Catsmine

Ultimately, wait until she's ready. Hopefully that will be after you're both over eighteen so that there won't be legal ramifications. Waiting will also give your relationship time to mature into a real lifelong love.

Okay then, that's exactly what I'm going to do and I actually feel really good about this decision.

But this doesn't mean I can fully erase from my mind the though of some day I finally get to become more intimate with her.

My question is: How can I soften this lust of mine? Thinking about the fact that I'm not going to get any kind of sexual experiences anytime soon, kind of makes me unhappy. Should a 17 year old be able to not want/think sex at all?

Jake2008 · May 9, 2010, 12:46 PM

Think about this as your needs and wants, vs her needs and wants.

Because you can see where it would be appropriate to have your sexual needs satisfied with her, and you settle for a blowjob instead of intercourse, it does not lessen the fact that she is not ready for any sexual contact.

The blowjob might seem a reasonable alternative to 'actual sex', to you, but it still falls into the category of moving to the sexual level in a relationship.

Your relationship is, what it is. You are ready to move into the area of sex, and she is not.

You can talk to her all you like about it, but putting that kind of pressure on a 16 year old girl is entering dangerous territory.

Respect her wishes and realize the relationship is going to be non-sexual, or move on.

Catsmine · May 9, 2010, 02:01 PM

Originally Posted by Caligula

Should a 17 year old be able to not want/think sex at all?

The possibility exists that you can find a clean sex worker, if you've got a couple yards to throw away.

Most teenage boys stick with rosy palm and her 5 sisters.

Caligula · May 10, 2010, 06:00 AM

Oooh you mean that kind of sex workers... xD Well I'm definitely not going to look for one of them, its not really my thing. As for rosy palm and her sisters, well, its not the same, and I feel kind of cheaty when doing it thinking about other women than my girlfriend, I even talked to her about that and she said its totally fine still...

No big deal, this thread really helped me how to realize that I was being really blind to be honest. From now on I'm going to focus on making her happy and maintaining our relationship happy rather than thinking about sex all the time. I think it's the best thing to do.

Cat1864 · May 10, 2010, 06:25 AM

I am glad that you are asking questions instead of just acting on impulse. I wish more teens your age did. Might be fewer problems.

It sounds like you have a great relationship with your girlfriend. I hope it continues to thrive and grow as both of you do. :)

Lucky098 · May 10, 2010, 07:28 AM

At 16 and 17, sex should be the last thing you need to be worrying about.

If she doesn't feel comfortable having sex with you, or being sexual with you in anyway, then you need to deal with it. You've only been together for 7 months. I realize that that is an eternity in your mind, but it is just 7 months. Some couples wait longer before entering that journey.

She could be religious. If she is, you need to respect that. In fact, you should respect her wishes regardless if it's a religious matter. She's not ready to have sex, she doesn't want to be sexual with you... Deal with it and move on. If you feel like you need to do the dirty with someone, then find a girl who is willing.

Forcing someone into something as serious as having sex is only going to make her hate it. Sex is something that happens naturally, out of love. Not just because you're a virgin and your buddy isn't.

She loves you. Her love may not be strong enough towards you to make her want to give you her body, but she does love you.

Why on Earth do you think she's more attracted to the movie stars then you? Hollywood stars spend money on themselves to become easy on the eye for a reason. That has nothing to do with you. You saying that sounds like you have major self confidence issues. Now, if she has a huge crush on the Senior quarterback from the high school football team, then you may have something to worry about. You don't need to lose sleep over Orlando Bloom. They'll never EVER meet... and if they do, more then likely it'll just be for an autograph.

Sex is a big deal. I know a lot of people are doing it... and its lame to be a virgin in high school.. but sex is a big deal that needs to be thought over more carefully. I want to say you need to always be prepared, but if your girlfriend sees you carry around condoms, she's going to get the wrong impression.

Just take life slow. Having sex just means you're growing up and becoming a REPSONSIBLE adult... I'll say it again.. RESPONSIBLE. Meaning, don't have sex with ANYONE unless you use protection. I'd hate to see you with a baby at 18 years of age.

Take life slow. You're only young once. Why rush things? Live in the moment. And when/if you and your girlfriend decide to share that intimacy with each other, it'll be a lot more then just losing your virginity in high school.

Caligula · May 10, 2010, 12:19 PM

I'll confess, I admit that I was kind of frustrated while knowing about all these friends of mine who have girlfriends for lesser time time than me and they already done all kinds of dirty things with them, I thought to myself, "Why can't the same happen to me?"

Lucky098, no she's not religious at all but now I understand that it is way better to wait until she's ready, rather than putting pressure on her or finding someone else willing to do it.
This way, when the time comes, it will be much much more special for both of us. And I am actually happy with this decision. :)

As for the movie star crushes, all of that came when she said she got no pleasure for me when she kissed me, she only did it for love, and once, she told me she would do anything for a view of one of her celebrities shirtless when so far has not showed any kind of interest of wanting the same with me... I'm still kind of hurt with that and its something ill need to think further but I guess there's not really anything I can do about it rather than stop being so superficial and focus on the important thing - love.

Catsmine · May 10, 2010, 12:46 PM

Originally Posted by Caligula

As for the movie star crushes, all of that came when she said she got no pleasure for me when she kissed me, she only did it for love, and once, she told me she would do anything for a view of one of her celebrities shirtless when so far has not showed any kind of interest of wanting the same with me.

Caligula, my wife of 25 years repeatedly says the only two men she'd leave me for are Patrick Stewart and Sean Connery. Go figure - I don't have a Scots accent.

Lucky, at 17 an American male is stereotyped as thinking of sex, sports, sex, cars, sex, school, sex, and, oh yeah... SEX. Stereotypes exist because they have some truth in them. Young Mr. Caligula here is one of the few exceptions that prove the rule.