[rgirl]

Dear All,
Since last 6 years I've worked together with a guy. We don't like each other much and in the past have never missed a chance to show each other down. Tired of this animosity we both mutually agreed to try to be cordial with each other if not entirely friendly.

All this went on fine for a month, but a few days ago when I made a casual call trying to inquire about his health and so on... he laughed(seriously, I mean totally laughed out loud) over a matter that is very close to my heart. He made fun of something I believed in and lived by. I hung up on him...

2 hours later I got a text from him saying 'I'm sorry I laughed'!!

He tried to call the next day but I didn't answer it. Then he never called again.

I never wanted to be friends with this guy. But his behavior has really hurt me.

Now the question is that I don't feel like communicating with him again, and we'll be coming face to face in a meeting on Sunday. If he tries to talk to me with others present, how appropriate is it to ignore him entirely?

[ebaines]

As hard as it is, you must work at acting in a professional manner whenever in a work situation. So no - don't ignore him - as that just serves to hinder the group in its work. So be professional - take care to always work with him in a cordial way, ESPECIALLY in public.

[ja77]

I agree with the post above.

This is a co-worker and you don't need to be friends just be professional when dealing with them. If they makes small talk with you then its fine to make small talk back, it does not mean that you need to be best friends and share your life stories with each other.

I used to work with a person that pushed all the wrong buttons with me and they used to ofend me and make me get upset and angry. One day I woke up and thought I am not going to allow this other person to control the way I feel, and I started to talk to them when I needed to and treat them as a co-worker not as a friend. We still work together to this day, I know they don't like me as much I as do not like them but in the work place we act professional and get on with the job that needs doing.

[Catsmine]

One can be civil without being friendly. A frosty tone of voice and perfect manners, including addressing the person with the proper honorific in a scornful tone of voice, is the traditional method of dealing with an individual one finds distasteful.

[ebaines]

One can be civil without being friendly.

Agree.

A frosty tone of voice and perfect manners, including addressing the person with the proper honorific in a scornful tone of voice, is the traditional method of dealing with an individual one finds distasteful.

I disagree. Being scornful is not being civil. This approach is perhaps OK for some social situations (among high school kids perhaps). But in a work situation you need to be able to work effectively with all colleagues in a professional manner - and certainly not scornfully. Acting like this does several bad things to hurt the efficiency of the team - it makes others uncomfortable, it forces your colleagues to have to choose sides, it burns bridges (who knows, that other person may be your boss or customer some day), and it makes you appear immature and unable to control your emotions in a business enviroinment - not a good way to get ahead. And it doesn't work as intended - the other person (and many of your colleagues, and probably your boss) simply conclude that you're being a jerk. I have personally had to reprimand a subordinate who was behaving this way towards a colleague of his - his open disdain was like throwing hand grenades into team meetings. It doesn't matter whether he had a right to be miffed - it detracted from the team and so I shut it down.

[Homegirl 50]

You don't have to be best friends but when you are in a business setting, at least act professional and mature. Behaving otherwise does nothing but make you look bad.

This type of behavior is not only rude but childish. The person apologised, you accept the apology and move on.

[Catsmine]

This approach is perhaps OK for some social situations (among highschool kids perhaps). But in a work situation you need to be able to work effectively with all colleagues in a professional manner - and certainly not scornfully. Acting like this does several bad things to hurt the efficiency of the team - it makes others uncomfortable, it forces your colleagues to have to choose sides, it burns bridges (who knows, that other person may be your boss or customer some day), and it makes you appear immature and unable to control your emotions in a business enviroinment - not a good way to get ahead. And it doesn't work as intended - the other person (and many of your colleagues, and probably your boss) simply conclude that you're being a jerk. I have personally had to reprimand a subordinate who was behaving this way towards a colleague of his - his open disdain was like throwing hand grenades into team meetings. It doesn't matter whether he had a right to be miffed - it detracted from the team and so I shut it down.

Obviously your subordinate was unable to distinguish between disdainful and cold. Some people deserve no more than please and thank you. Mind you, no one deserves less.

[ebaines]

Obviously your subordinate was unable to distinguish between disdainful and cold. Some people deserve no more than please and thank you. Mind you, no one deserves less.

As long as his behavior doesn't negatively impact the efficiency of the team, I'm OK with it. Cold but professional would be OK. "Scornful" or "disdainful" is not.

[Catsmine]

As long as his behavior doesn't negatively impact the efficiency of the team, I'm OK with it. Cold but professional would be OK. "Scornful" or "disdainful" is not.

Then please forgive a poor choice of words in my original answer. I'll keep "frosty," however.

[dontknownuthin]

I'd say accept his apology and let it go. Focus on how you want to act, not whether the other person deserves you at your best. If you want to be a snippy, cold, derisive person then go with it. But know that particularly in a work setting, people do notice how you treat others and are particularly watchful of how you treat people they are aware you do not like.

You aren't there to make friends, and aren't there to make distasteful people into your friends. Treat him as you would any other person you know professionally and simply don't have a personal relationship with him. If there's an office gathering for his birthday, eat a piece of cake and go back to your desk. But don't feel it's your place to acknowledge the death in his family, his new haircut or his upcoming marriage - stay out of the really personal stuff.

If he offends you in a manner that is related to business (steals an account, embarrasses you in front of a client, misses a key deadline),deal with those things from a strictly business perspective and leave the personal stuff out of it.

I do not agree with ignoring him, giving him a cold shoulder, talking behind his back or otherwise doing anything at all to express your distaste for him. You do not have to acknowledge his apology but you can certainly drop it.

And grow a thicker skin - if you don't like someone to start with, don't give them the power to hurt your feelings. Who cares whether someone we don't like shares our passions and causes?

[Clough]

Hi, jb723!

Just a few words from me...

When faced with dealing with difficult people, I like to put the "ball in their court", so to speak. Even though I know that they are the ones with the problem and causing the problem, I tell them that I'm having a challenge (or, problem) and was wondering if they wouldn't mind helping me to solve it? That being, that they're the only one who can help me with it.

Doing that makes them feel big and important, because they will think that they are the one who can help me to solve my problem.

In all ways, it's better to work to build rather than to destroy...

Thanks!

[rgirl]

And grow a thicker skin - if you don't like someone to start with, don't give them the power to hurt your feelings. Who cares whether someone we don't like shares our passions and causes?

I like this point. I guess I shouldn't give people I don't like the right to make me feel bad or anything...

But I guess I need to clear a thing here with all. I am sorry I should have been a li'l more specific. I don't exactly do a professional job with this guy. A group of people just gather on week ends or other holidays for some sort of community work and also help around with certain jobs in the church we belong to...

Its not necessary for me to initiate the talk is it?

[dontknownuthin]

I think the stakes are just as high for you and how you're perceived in a volunteer or church situation as in a paid office situation. You still need to act like the person you want to be, and if he's inappropriate I'd ignore as much as you can. If it's too extreme, you can simply say, "Dave that's inappropriate", and since you don't have a job at stake, you can feel pretty comfortable going to someone in leadership such as your pastor and saying, "I need your help - Dave has been inappropriate - this is the specific situation - could you step in?"

Sometimes volunteers need to be fired, too.

Take care!

[rgirl]

Sometimes volunteers need to be fired, too.

I don't want him fired, its just that whether you like a person or not shouldn't there always be a certain level of respect for a fellow human being?

Now that he doesn't to respect me why should I try and be cordial...

[Homegirl 50]

I like this point. I guess I shouldn't give people I don't like the right to make me feel bad or anything....

But I guess I need to clear a thing here with all. I am sorry I should have been a lil more specific. I don't exactly do a professional job with this guy. A group of people just gather on week ends or other holidays for some sort of community work and also help around with certain jobs in the church we belong to....

Its not necessary for me to initiate the talk is it?

How would it look in the Lord's house to be rude and ignoring someone?
The guy apologised, get over it!
What you are asking about doing is childish. If he speaks speak back. You don't have to initiate or hold a conversation but why make other people uncomfortable as you ignore this guy if he speaks to you? What if someone ask you what the deal is, are you prepared to bring another person into your drama?
Life is too short to hold grudges and be rude. Speak back if he speaks to you and then go about your business.

[Homegirl 50]

I don't want him fired, its just that whether you like a person or not shouldn't there always be a certain level of respect for a fellow human being?

Now that he doesn't to respect me why should I try and be cordial....

What did he do that he does not respect you?
He said something you did not like and then apologised, so what is the problem? If he did not respect you he would not have seen fit to apologise. So perhaps you can show a little "respect" and speak if he speaks to you.
Just because someone holds a different opinion from you, does not mean they are disrespecting you.
How old are you?

[rgirl]

I'm 22. And this is not the first time we've had difference of opinion. I don't won't him to have the same likes and dislikes as I have, but laughing at some one isn't very nice, is it?

I've never mocked his ideas or opinions ever, even when I never agreed upon most of them.

The reason I want to ignore him is, I'm sure he'll bring out this topic and I'd rather have it buried then start a discussion about why I was hurt and so on...

[rgirl]

How would it look in the Lord's house to be rude and ignoring someone?
The guy apologised, get over it!
What you are asking about doing is childish. If he speaks speak back. You don't have to initiate or hold a conversation but why make other people uncomfortable as you ignore this guy if he speaks to you? What if someone ask you what the deal is, are you prepared to bring another person into your drama?
Life is too short to hold grudges and be rude. Speak back if he speaks to you and then go about your business.

The last thing I want is to be rude to anyone...

Here's what happened...

I said, "Any one who loves Jesus would be a part this whole loving family...."
And he starts laughing...
I still can't figure out what's so funny about it...

[Homegirl 50]

The last thing I want is to be rude to anyone....

Here's what happened...

I said, "Any one who loves Jesus would be a part this whole loving family...."
and he starts laughing....
I still can't figure out whats so funny about it...

And for that you are not speaking to him? He apologized didn't he?
Not everyone is going to share your faith, but you cannot get angry with people over that. You do what Jesus would do and he would not be rude.
If he speaks to you speak back. You be the "Jesus" you want others to love. You don't hold gridges, that is wrong.

[Catsmine]

I said, "Any one who loves Jesus would be a part this whole loving family...."
and he starts laughing....
I still can't figure out whats so funny about it...

This has little to do with the etiquette of the situation. Perhaps you're wearing your faith on your sleeve a bit much, perhaps his tone sounded mocking.

If you do not wish to deal with this individual, civility still calls for you to answer direct face-to-face queries. Using the proper honorific (Mister, Doctor, Professor, Sir) each time you address him should be quite sufficient in that setting to convey your feelings without rudeness.