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loss of child due to separation
Ok guys, I'm a Dad.
had a baby about a year and a half ago... Here mum was with another guy we don't know who the father was. So I stepped aside knowing that the other guy felt threatoned by me, and that he hated me. To protect the child I felt I had to step away and trust my child's mother to do what was right... She did kind of keep me in the loop but did a pi$$ poor job of it as we had to sneek around behind dip S**t's back. So I bit my lip again and let that go... She had the baby, but I didn't hear about it till a couple weeks later when her sister texted me from a different city to ask me if I knew what was going on. As the mother was in the hospital, loss of a lot of blood. She lived... (I am greateful for that... ) So 8 months after the baby was born, there was a day we met so she could give me my coat but only for a hour or so, she and I got backtogether, the day fater her ex left her, or she left him what ever. She wove a dream for me to fall into... she told me she wanted to get married, buy a house, have more children and so forth. I lived at her place for 2.5 months. I played Daddy to the baby, she called me, "Daddy" said I was more of a father than the other guy. He was a busive to her and baby. He would pick baby up and yell at her, ignore her when she cried and so on. He ignored th emum too, she had surgary was faint at best and he'd leave her to the child so he could play video games, or go drink with his friends, even cheat on her. He wouldn't let her put insurance on her car, leave the house, have friends over, etc... Any who I was the "better" father though every one thought he was the father of the child. So she told me to leave, I did, but first the other guy had requested a Paternaty test, so he wouldn't have to pay child support. I paid half of it. Turns out she was my baby after all. So I paid again for my paternaty test, onlymine was more so it would hold up in courts. My child's name was my last name at last. She spent 50% of her time with me after I managed to buy all that I needed to have her at my home. So for a few months she stayed with me 50% of the time. Then her mother decided to move to another city, to which she told me we'd keep things as they are, 50/50. WE'd drive and meet half way... Bull S**T all of it. I ended up trying to talk her into staying for the 2 years I needed for school before we moved, then she started moving the move date giving me less and less time with my baby, so I took her to court. Of course I lost. I wasn't apart of my child's life, why would it be important now... How can a parent be anything to their child if in order to protect it form the world around it from being more vengful and angery, the parent has to leave and never be there. The other parent becomes the child's only constant! How dumb are we who believe that a parent who is no less capable, other than money wise, than the other should not be given the chance to be there for their child. Does the child not deserve to see them? 50/50? If the parent is not harmful ot the child, abusive, neglective... then again these things are all baised upon one's own "PERSONAL" beliefs... There is no justice, there is no freedom, there are no rights, save those we are give by those around us. Make no mistake, we are prisoners of our own making... Consumerism, the jugernaught of the capitalist world. What does all this mean, my ex left to "better" her self and my daughter, she needs 6 years of schooling, I need 2! What the F**K? Do the math it don't take a genious to see that I will be ready to give our child what she needs sooner rather than later, and we were not going to go broke if she had stayed, though she said in court she couldn't afford to stay she herself showed me a bank statement showing she had been saving ot move, she had $1000. I only needed 2 years, then I agreed to move. Now, I can't see my child for 3 years except when my ex comes to court, but she can't afford that either. SO now it's on me to put my child's life at financial risk so I can see her, as I will not win, I've asked several sources, lawyers and such, the ansewr they give, "You are pretty much a sperm doner." - Lawyer. I work with these people, so I got what I needed to hear. The judge granted full custody to my ex, 50/50 guardian ship, but she can ignore what I say as she has the power to veto. I'm bipolar, but have been relatively good, meaning no out bursts, no major disfuntionalism for a long time until my child was taken from me... Like a "NORMAL"person I of course fell apart... But I never let that interfere with letters I send, videos I make, not even with being in court. I am taking this far better than any one else I've seen in court, and I see it all the time every week, as I am a court worker... It brings me great pain to see other ssuffer, but don't even let that get to me at work. My medications have changed due to my deep anger/depression and even manic episodes.. I spend a lot of time crying, or just feeling dead... In the day I go to work, parenting group, counseling, doctor, talk t people (pretend all is well), play guitar, key board, harmonica, video games (not often though), go for walks out side, and what ever. At night, I can't sleep, I take sleeping pills, but they don't work... I just run the same pain over and over in my head... My ex has a step mother that is a phorensic social worker, she knows a lot about mental health, but doesn't really seem to understand it, at lest not from where I sit... I understand I may have a biased opinion, but. I have had my child for 50% of the time for 3 months why say I was and unfit parent then and not after, like way after. Her step mother siad, that I was messed up, manic (I was in fact depressed.), not to be trusted with my child. She knew me for a short period of what 3 days, not even consecutive. I hardly said two words to her... She was using nothing more than a conjectured opinion, personal perspective and calling it professional. Due to this the judge said my ex has the right to decline me access to my child any time I try to see her... (Now I understand, I may seem off my rocker here, but how would you behave if you felt like your child had been taken from you, kidnapped? What if Family was your most important value, and some one took that from you, and more importantly your child! It's not me who pays, and yet I do, It's my child. I am having a bit of a manic episode, but I'm so tired I just don't know what else to do but ask, What can I do? I can't afford to see my child, I have outstanding debt to pay for trying to give her a home at my home... so what do I do?) I'm becoming cold and when some one has an issue I don't care any more, where I used to be there for any one and every one. Now, I only have emptyness and anger. I've done the religion thing, and I tell them, "there are many ways to reach the number two in an equation, and all of them are "right"." PLease, any one that has anything that can help, I need it. Thanks for listening to my half rant, half sulking... sorry it's so jumpy, and disorganised. I'm very tired. Thanks. |
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Child custody court really can and does feel like a 'kidnapping' and they are very unfair in many many cases. At this point all I think you can do is do everything you can to prove yourself. If you get your daughter for any visits leave her with memories of good times. Every chance you get let her know it was not at all your decision to not be a part of her life. Would you be able to move near her? If you live close you might have a better chance at that court looking at the picture a bit differently. Do you have a counselor or a pyschologist that can give you a good reference for court? Also keep track of all the times you try to communicate in any way with your daughter, visits, phone calls, whether you were allowed or they denied you so that you can show that you are making attempts on your part. |
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 Originally Posted by Nestorian
I agree that the court system can seem unfair and biased, but if you want legal advice, then you need to give us the full story. A judge typically will grant joint legal custody to both parties; there is something more going on that you are not being allowed to see your child for three years. Were you not granted any visitation rights? If not, again - there is something more to your story that you're not disclosing. A judge will not allow one parent to keep the child(ren) from the other parent unless there is reasonable grounds. |
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This8384, Your reasoning may seem sound in that I have left out things, but you make it sound as though I intended for that. I assure you, I have not. I suggest that a less accusing and judgemental approch may be more welcomed by people such as myself and in such situations. Please reread and pay closer attention to what I've said. Allow me to highlight the points you seem to have missed. (And I'm sorry if I seem aggressive but I did not sleep last night.) "Now, I can't see my child for 3 years except when my ex comes to court, but she can't afford that either. SO now it's on me to put my child's life at financial risk so I can see her, as I will not win... " - nestorian. The high lighted part is implying that niether she nor I can afford to travel from one city to the next. then i express my feelings of confution and frustration for my having to force my ex to come to my city for court, just so i can see my child, as I know I can not stop what has happened. I have access, right to see my child, but i can not due to finacial hardship. Had she stayed, things would have been stable enough for this, but since she left, i am now paying child support $160 (no i'm not complaining, my ex offered to suspend that so i can get a computer so I can talk to her via skype/MSN. This was not to be nice, reasonable, it was only to show her willingness to reason and be reasonable. She will do anything to keep things as they are. She has expressed this to me before, but I know that wont mean jack in a court room so why say it. Her expression was she'd rather die than come back. If that makes sense.) I would have got extra money from the government, as I live on income assistence, to help pay for my child. Now I can't get taht to pay my credit card down form the thousands I had spent to make my home Baby ready, the car I bought was bigger, safer, for her, and the paternaty tests. So i can't afford to see my baby, unless I claim bankrupcy and loose my credit cards, to whitch I've been relying on very heavely since... I make 1500 amonth, thats more than the minumum wage full time workers get, but i still can't afford to do it. So i focus on school, in the hopes that i may be better finacially equiped to see her. But even then, even if I move to where she lives, my ex had expressed several time very passionately that she probably wont stay and I will end up moving there and having to see her leave again. I can't be anthing but a small fragment of my childs life, thus leaving her one opption for some one to go to, one person to relate to, one person to feel safe and loved by... My relationship may or may not be good, it's up to me/ then it's up to my child, but I can't know that she sees the videos i send, the letters I worte, the text messages i send, "Tell (MY CHILD'S NAME) that I love and miss her every day." All I know is this hurts to no end... So it doesn't matter that I have the right to anything, because not only can I not afford it, but even if I could, my ex could decline me the access, and i know if she had other plans she would... Not becsue she hates me or wants me to suffer or loose my child but because she wants to do what ever she wants with out any one else to interfear, especially with her Dating. She has a long history of abusive relationships and i am terrifided of how many "friends" she has handling my child. She can sleep with whom ever she chooses, but not if it puts my child at risk, as my ex is very trusting in that area... and I worry. Thats all, I also want my ex to be happy. She deserves that, but not at the expence of our childs happiness. Like I said, i lost my child. I lost the case, and there for my child was taken. I don't feel so bad for me as i do for my baby, will she wonder who I am, were I am, or will her mother let us be close... I don't think she wants' me near my child as she has said, "I don't want to share any responsibility for your child." For me I understand that to mean, she wants to be the sole connection in my child's life so she will be an important part of her life, where as no one else can replace her... That's not healthy, I just want us to be 50/50 as that is best for the child. Proving that is hard though, as few care to spend any real time to listen and hear what I am saying, rather than assume that it's one way or another... Bipolar of course played a role in my losing my child... "I'm bipolar, but have been relatively good, meaning no out bursts, no major disfuntionalism for a long time until my child was taken from me... Like a "NORMAL"person i ofcourse fell apart... But I never let that interfere with letters I send, videos i make, not even with being in court. I am taking this far better than any one else i've seen in court, and I see it all the time every week, as i am a court worker..." Pertaining to your idea, yeah, I may be bipolar, but again, I see people in and out of that court house every week, and I take it much better than most of them, there are very, and I mean very few who can walk out with out crying, yelling, cussing, making threats, and so on. I did that and keep working there too! I may bit*h about it here, but come on. Seriously, you'll judge me on that? Dude, people feel emotion and deal with it in different ways, this is just my way of venting... Again, How would you take losing your child? I can not see nor talk to her, haven't in months now... how would you react? "(Now I understand, I may seem off my rocker here, but how would you behave if you felt like your child had been taken from you, kidnapped? What if Family was your most important value, and some one took that from you, and more importantly your child! It's not me who pays, and yet i do, It's my child. I am having a bit of a manic episode, but I'm so tired i just dont' know what else to do but ask, What can I do? i can't afford to see my child, I have outstanding debt to pay for trying to give her a home at my home... so what do I do?)" Further more,I gave a letter from "my Doctor", whom has worked with me for years on this, that expressed my efforts to get better, manage the bipolar, and that I still took my meds. Then her step mother using a professional opinion on a personal matter. That is not reasonable nor is it professional. "My ex has a step mother that is a phorensic social worker, she knows a lot about mental health, but doesn't really seem to understand it, at lest not from where i sit... I understand i may have a biased opinion, but. I have had my child for 50% of the time for 3 months why say I was and unfit parent then and not after, like way after. Her step mother siad, that i was messed up, manic (I was infact depressed.), not to be trusted with my child. She knew me for a short period of what 3 days, not even consecutive. i hardly said two words to her... She was using nothing more than a conjectured opinion, personal perspective and calling it professional. Due to this the judge said my ex has the right to decline me access to my child any time I try to see her..." She doesn't know the medical specifics to be saying much of anything, she is only using second hand news and very very limited expereince with me, to back up her conjectured opinion. I admit she was right about the phone call, I was manic. however my child was not with me. I took responible action and made sure she was cared for, so can you tell me i'm a poor example of a good parent? that i am irreasponsible? If so, then there is no reason for any one with any depression, mania, anger issues, disorders, illnesses, borken limbs, viruses, etc to have thier child. Thats what i did, i had a slight situation, and i delt with it like a responsible person. During our phone call, I had mentioned that, "I will not let my child simply drif out of my life. Like optimus Prime says in Transformers 2, "Fine, I'll take you all one." the reason I said this is due to her telling me that I will find another girl, and have kids of "my Own" and I will forget about (CHILD's NAME). So I reminded her, I'm not going to just give up, she is my child. I like to use quotes like OP's so I did, but I didn't swear at her, nor yell, just talked... Though I was manic, I managed it rather well given the circumstances. I am, Nestorain with bipolar, not the bipolar Nestorain guy. I am still mad as ever, but as you can see I'm paying careful attention to it now, and managing it, though I'm still venting a bit due to that's something I come here for. Also I find I'm most open and honest while venting. I hold not anomosity toward you, and I'm not angery with you, a little annoyed at how you siad what you siad, but eh, it happens. Maybe you are really nice I don't know how your day went, or if you are just as tired as me! But just so you know, what you said seemed a little rude and heartless. From my point of course. I don't want legal advice, I put this under children and asked, "loss of child due to seperation", and at the end of my story, "but I'm so tired i just dont' know what else to do but ask, What can I do? i can't afford to see my child, I have outstanding debt to pay for trying to give her a home at my home... so what do I do?)" and "where I used to be there for any one and every one. Now, I only have emptyness and anger." and "PLease, any one that has anything that can help, I need it." So what am I asking? Im asking for advice, not legal, but moral. What things have others gone through that may help me survive this, if you've ever lost some one you loved, then tell me how you survived it. I want to find a way to manage not my bipolar, but my grief! Anger, denyal, fear,pain, suffering,aggonay,anxiety, confution,frustration,saddness,barganing,emptyness - torment, sorrow, etc... Please tell me what would you do.. Thank you for taking the time to read through my message, I appologise if I seem off again or mistook your questions in any way. Again ii'm tired as I have not slept yet. Thank you. |
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Originally Posted by Nestorian
Morally, I would not accept that someone "can't afford" for me to be a part of my child's life. That sounds like a cop-out on both of your part. I'm not trying to attack you, but trying to be honest. You cannot say that your child is your everything, yet make minimal efforts to see her - that's not how it works. If her mother is truly that poor that she cannot afford to meet you, even if only once a month, then the child would be better off being adopted by a family who can meet her financial needs in addition to her emotional ones. To me, it sounds as if the both of you are very troubled people and the person I feel worst for in this situation is the child. Going back all the way to the beginning, you state that you were sneaking around with the mother behind someone else's back. That certainly is not grounds for a stable relationship of any sort, and saddens me that an innocent child has now been dragged into something like this. You had a choice - she did not. |
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The legal advice is to Court and prove whatever you need to prove - that you are stable, that the mother is unstable, whatever it takes. As far as what anyone cares or thinks or how anyone would handle this - that's for a discussion thread. The legal system is certainly not always fair. Go to Court and make it fair. Your mental health will probably be brought into this mix by the mother so I would be prepared for that with documentation and whatever else the Court requires - https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/mental...ml#post2340992 |
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I have gotten too far away from what I am looking for. All I want was some suggestions on how to cope, manage, deal with the lose of my child. As that is surely how it feels.
the legal system is useless pointless and I've wroked in it for well over a year now and felt thusly since I realised it's lack of competence. There is no wining in court! Ever. Not for my sistuation as I will not make my ex look bad just so I will look good. I want my child to be raised in a better world than that. So it's up to me to up hold my values/ honor/love/compation and self respect. Any way, the point being, a women I recently met online, told me this... "it's ok to fail your children, because weather you like it or not, they need something to focus thier time and energy on. It's our basic need to survive that they are going to try to achieve this by. So no matter what you do, no matter how 'Good or wonderful' thier life is, you will always fall short at some point. That doesn't have to be a bad thing, as they will then have the 'OPPORTUNITY' to progress and make thier own decissions about life, and how they want to live it. So let them go, stay in your child's life as much as you can, and don't forget who you are to her; HER FATHER!" She went on to explain that one must have their own life before they can help with another's life. So pretty much take care of myself and keep working as long as it takes to be there for my child. I may not see her inperson, but that's what happened, no use beating yourself up over things that have happened in the past. You can't change them so focuse on what you can do here and now... She was a very nice person, smart, and yet her life was out of control as well... Don't put your faith in something that doesn't exsist. It's called, "the persute of happiness" for a reason. You are free to try for it, but that's not to say you will find/reach it... thanks for your help any way. |
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Originally Posted by Nestorian
I still don't understand how you "lost" your child - you have visitation rights which you choose not to exercise. That is no one's fault but your own. Clearly, the courts did not feel it was in the child's best interests for you to be around very often. Considering your mental health, I would be hard-pressed to disagree with them. No, court is not "useless" - it may not always be fair and balanced, but it certainly is not useless. Were it not for court, the mother could take the child and do anything she pleases; she could move away, change her name, etc. and you'd never be able to see your child again. While your situation is sad, I cannot feel sympathy for someone who willfully chooses not to exercise his visitation rights to his own child. You can rant and rave all you'd like about how you think court is so fair and wrong but the bottom line is that YOU are choosing not to be a part of her life - that is not the courts' doing. As for this statement: Originally Posted by Nestorian
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All right, now I'm getting a little irritated by this whole thing. In the very beginning of this thread, you stated that you "stepped aside" to let the other guy be the father. Yet back in November, you said that she left you for him: https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...an-412901.html Time to close. Nothing adds up. |
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Hello Nestorian,
Your post is most interesting, because it is about as funny as it could be. I like that, a discussion about creation verses evolution in a relaxed yet with monkey play on the side. (lol) Now to your qestions: 1ST, What does the bible mean by "created in his own image"? My Reply: “God proceeded to create the man in his image, in God's image he created him; male and female he created them.” (Gen. 1:27) Bing made in God's image does not mean we were made to look like God, but that within each of us God has given us the ability to exercise His qualities. We being his children, we can reflect God's righteous qualities. For recall that we are urged to “become imitators of God, as beloved children.” (Eph. 5:1) In fact, sometimes a child is so much like their father that they are called “a chip off the old block.” And so it should be with us and our heavenly father. Something else to ask ourselves, “Why is there some who are kind and loving and others who are wicked and violent? Could it be because some chose not to imitate God and reflect their heavenly father's qualities? Your Question: 2ND, Is the bible more of a book of Myths, fables and stories that are meant to inspire the "word of GOD"?? NOt a book of fact. My Reply: There are many reasons to believe that the Bible is inspired by God: A) The Bible itself says it is from God, mankind's Creator 2 Tim. 3:16, 17: “All Scripture is inspired of God and beneficial for teaching, for reproving, for setting things straight, for disciplining in righteousness, that the man of God may be fully competent, completely equipped for every good work.” Rev. 1:1: “A revelation by Jesus Christ, which God gave him, to show his slaves the things that must shortly take place.” 2 Sam. 23:1, 2: “The utterance of David the son of Jesse.. . The spirit of Jehovah it was that spoke by me, and his word was upon my tongue.” Isa. 22:15: “This is what the Sovereign Lord, Jehovah of armies, has said.” B) Bible prophecy explains the meaning of world conditions. No one would deny we are living in terrible times. The Bible long ago told the events that would take place and why, and what the results would be. (2 Timothy 3:1-5) 3 But know this, that in the last days critical times hard to deal with will be here. 2 For men will be lovers of themselves, lovers of money, self-assuming, haughty, blasphemers, disobedient to parents, unthankful, disloyal, 3 having no natural affection, not open to any agreement, slanderers, without self-control, fierce, without love of goodness, 4 betrayers, headstrong, puffed up [with pride], lovers of pleasures rather than lovers of God, 5 having a form of godly devotion but proving false to its power; and from these turn away. (Luke 21:25-31) 25 “Also, there will be signs in sun and moon and stars, and on the earth anguish of nations, not knowing the way out because of the roaring of the sea and [its] agitation, 26 while men become faint out of fear and expectation of the things coming upon the inhabited earth; for the powers of the heavens will be shaken. 27 And then they will see the Son of man coming in a cloud with power and great glory. 28 But as these things start to occur, raise yourselves erect and lift your heads up, because YOUR deliverance is getting near.” 29 With that he spoke an illustration to them: “Note the fig tree and all the other trees: 30 When they are already in the bud, by observing it YOU know for yourselves that now the summer is near. 31 In this way YOU also, when YOU see these things occurring, know that the kingdom of God is near. Te Bible tells us what we must do in order to survive the impending world destruction, with the opportunity to gain eternal life under righteous conditions here on earth. (Zephaniah 2:3) 3 seek Jehovah, all YOU meek ones of the earth, who have practiced His own judicial decision. Seek righteousness, seek meekness. Probably YOU may be concealed in the day of Jehovah's anger. (John 17:3) 3 This means everlasting life, their taking in knowledge of you, the only true God, and of the one whom you sent forth, Jesus Christ. (Psalm 37:11) 11 But the meek ones themselves will possess the earth, And they will indeed find their exquisite delight in the abundance of peace. (Luke 11:28) 28 But he said: “No, rather, Happy are those hearing the word of God and keeping it!” Your question 3rd I would aregue that our race has bin evolving since it was upone the earth, however, it seems that our physique is perfected, while our mentality is changing. Yes, I believe that the people that lived in the days of Jessus, were less intelegant, not because they couldn't be more so, but because there wasn't as many resources to use to gain knowledge as fast and largly as we do today. My Reply Maybe the knowledge via means of technology and other is a bit too fast. The system now is so fast paced people do not stop and thin or meditate on what they learn. Are people today more intelligent then in Jesus' day? Not really, today they are so fast paced, they may have more knowledge then those in Jesus' day, yet they don't stop to think about the knowledge they have gained in order to apply it so as to benefit themselves. Too much of a good thing can harm it holder. Peace. Hope12 PS. I needed to answer thiS o=ld postand didn't know any other way. |
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