[emailrusty]

This is a long story... I will try and cut it down to details.

I met a girl (A) when I was 16 and she was 17, at a camp, for one day. I remember the first time I saw her, the first song we heard, EVERYTHING about that one day that we spent together. We hit it off immediately and proceeded to talk on the phone every night for about 8 months. (she lived 3 hours away and I wasn't allowed to drive that far) Regardless, we slowly stopped talking because we had become preoccupied with finding schools and all that end-of-high-school-era stuff.

I started dating another girl and ended up being with her for five years. In those five years I learned a lot about what I do and don't want in a relationship. And with that came the subconscious creation of a "qualification" list. I had decided that I wasn't going to actively pursue any female, (and I'm not the one-night-stand type of guy)... anyway, I thought there was no possible way I was going to find someone who met these qualifications.

On Saturday, April 3rd (2010) A called me. We hadn't spoken in 6 years and she still had my number memorized, luckily it hadn't changed. She lives two hours from where I currently live and I have driven up there every weekend. We have so much in common and she is a blast to be around. Additionally, she is the epitome of my "list"... BUT... She has a child...

Having said that, I like to think of myself as very mature for my age (22) because I have an almost incomprehensible ability for rational/logical thought, and I also continuously think about how every decision I make will play out in the future.

... This is one situation that I have never thought out, I had always said I would not date anyone with a child. BUT I love to be around her, and her son likes me (he's almost 4). ALSO, I do not date anyone that I couldn't see myself with long term.

I have already read through many articles today about dating someone with kids.

So, whoever reads this, what's your take on the situation?

[ChihuahuaMomma]

She is no longer A, now she's A plus one. If you can't accept this, it's time to move on. I've been with my boyfriend for two years now and he has a 10 year old daughter. I love her to death. You must, though, take into account the father's role/relationship and not step on toes. But there is nothing wrong with dating someone with a child. If things work out you'll eventually forget that you aren't that child's parent. I have. But her mother is no way involved in her life, so I really am her mother. Obviously, there are things to think about... It's not that big a deal to date someone with a child. I said the same thing to myself before I started dating my boyfriend.

[hheath541]

The biggest thing about dating someone who already has a kid is to remember that you are now part of that kid's life. If you break up with his mother, you are also breaking up with him. If you're not in it for the long haul, it's not fair to get close to the child.

If you ARE in it for the long haul, then you'll have to balance your time. You'll need to spend time with him, while still finding a way to have spend time with just your girlfriend. She's a woman AND a mother, and you'll have to find a balance between the two.

[talaniman]

I would enjoy it without worrying a lot about long term expectations, or trying to be put above her child. If you can do that, and not get carried away by intense feelings, then I see no reason not to enjoy the experience.

I will be honest here also, as dating is for fun getting to know (or re-know in your case) someone without high expectations of having a future, just because no matter how well you think you know a person, there is much more yet to find out. That takes time, and you can't force it.

That's why you go slow, and pay attention, and never put your needs above her child's, because that MUST be her top priority. So be understanding about kids.

Always remember that where there is a child, there may also be an ex, who is still a parent.

[Gemini54]

One of the things that struck me about your post was how many rules you're made for yourself, how many things you WON'T do, and how you believe that you can plan or map out your life - and, you're only 22.

Guess what? That list of qualifications is already looking dated. Yep.
You don't know as much as you thought. This situation is one you didn't put on your list.

Guess what? Sometimes we can't know who might be a long term relationship, or what the outcomes of being with someone that has a child might be.

Guess what? You might have to take a risk and find out. You might have a list of qualifications, but there are never any certainties.

[ChihuahuaMomma]

You've gotten some fantastic advice here from some really knowledgeable people.

I just want to elaborate on what Gemini said. Everyone has a list for their perfect life, perfect mate, perfect job. When I was 18, I thought I was going to be an eye doctor, meet a man in college and get married and have a baby two years into my career. I'm 24 right now, I never had the time or money to go to college for too long, I'm a caregiver for Developmentally Disabled people, I'm engaged to the man of my dreams (who has a ten year old daughter) and we're getting married next summer. And then planning for a child. Life NEVER turns out like the lists you make when you're a kid.

[Jake2008]

I agree with all of the advice you've been given here so far.

So much to think about, including the father of the child, and his family.

But, if you choose to stay, you are getting a package deal. They go together in a special kind of way that can only allow another person under certain circumstances.

Paramount here (and I applaud you for thinking of the child at all), is the well being and stability of the child.

Four year olds are so much fun, and very agreeable and sweet. Who couldn't love a 4 year old child and all the joy they bring.

Much will depend upon the custody arrangements with her ex, and if he is active in the child's life, there will likely be conflict along the way, simply because children cause conflict, and play one parent off against the other etc. What I'm saying is that her relationship with him, will directly impact on your relationship with her son.

I don't think love knows any bounds personally. I don't know when it comes to kids that you could love this little guy anymore than if he were your own. But don't kid yourself, go slow and think of everything, and be prepared to compromise.

Perhaps this girl, 'A', is back in your life for a reason, and could this be it?

[dontknownuthin]

I think this is really a very personal decision and has to do with the kind of life and dating experiences you want. My father always taught me never to date anyone who I wouldn't potentially marry. Is this a girl you could see yourself marrying one day potentially? Could you see yourself raising another man's child, and perhaps dealing with him being involved in your family life to some degree as a co-parent of the child? Can you give up some time with this girl and take things slowly so that you can arrange to see her when her child is not around (like visiting the dad) - it's best not to get too attached to the child until you feel confident you're sticking around for the mom.

What are her expectations? Is she looking for someone to step in and be the daddy, and is she looking to be taken care of financially? It's not that it's bad if she is, just be honest with each other about it - some guys would want to do that, some really wouldn't.

I'd make a list of all your concerns, and your thoughts about those concerns and take your time considering whether you want to pursue this or not. Take care!