Check out some similar questions!

friend4u178 · May 2, 2010, 11:50 PM

When you break up with someone and they continually badger you and don't respect the fact that they don't want to be with you , your just pushing them away further , this is exactly what's happened to you.

I suggest just leave him alone and when you do cross paths be cordial and polite. That way he'll see that you don't want attention from him and will gradually become more comfortable around you.

Gemini54 · May 3, 2010, 01:03 AM

I think that trying to change what he thinks of you at this stage is madness. It's like trying to convince the doctor in the insane asylum that you're not mad - if he thinks you are, you haven't got a chance.

His attitude may not be anything at all to do with you - he may have just decided that it's easier to think of you as hateful and to make fun of you, as his way of dealing with the fact that you still liked him.

Best way to convince him you're not weird and clingy? Stop having any contact with him. It's not doing you any good at all. He's not a nice person.

amicon · May 3, 2010, 07:08 AM

This is the ex from your other post?

Ignore his comments and ideas,if he wants to behave like a five year old,let him.

Stop talking to him,and about him,and stop listening to gossip.

yellowjello · May 3, 2010, 09:14 AM

I know, I know explaining things would make me seem more clingy. But I wasn't trying to be clingy all this time! I was just trying to be friends. I just wish I could explain myself to him! I'm so scared that if I don't, he is going to continue having the wrong idea about things..

It hurts so much that he thinks this. It's worse than the breakup itself. I don't care whether we're broken up or together, all I care about is how he thinks of me. I'm not asking for him back. I want to move on and see other people and go on with my life. It just hurts so much that it has to end like this. We had something special and I don't want it to be remembered so negatively. I wanted us to move on and always look back at what we had fondly, and cherish it. Because it will always mean something to me. And it hurts so much that he thinks of me like this because now it will never be like that for him!

I feel so miserable I can't even get out of bed.

I wish · May 3, 2010, 09:45 AM

Harshness warning

Here's the situation:

You're staying friends with him in hopes that he will change his mind and get back together with you.

He's avoiding you because he knows that you want to get back together, so he doesn't want to give you false hope by keeping in touch.

You hope that he will eventually change his mind. But if you don't talk to him, how can he change his mind?

He's probably hoping that by avoiding you, you will stop wanting to get back with him.

What's wrong with this picture?

You can't force him to get back with you. Furthermore, it's clear that he has no intentions of getting back with, i.e. the reason why he's avoiding you. The sooner you can accept reality, the sooner you will stop suffering.

Whether you want to get back with him or not, you should be focusing on healing from your pains, without him in your life. Learn to be happy with yourself. You can't let him define your happiness. Unfortunately, that's an unattractive quality as well.

Pick yourself up. Have some self-esteem. Gain some confidence. Do things to better yourself.

talaniman · May 3, 2010, 10:11 AM

The very fact that you put so much importance on how he feels than in what you should be doing tells us all you have a hidden agenda other than friends.

You are into something that's really none of your business any more, his thoughts and feelings, and not even under your control.

Back off that kind of thinking and get up off your pity pot and do what you know you should be doing. In your own words,

I want to move on and see other people and go on with my life.

There is nothing stopping you, but your own self pity. Let it go.

yellowjello · May 3, 2010, 10:25 AM

Tal,
That's not the situation. It isn't about me trying to be friends and him avoiding me. I'm not trying to be friends with him. I'm not even trying to start talking to him again. I don't want him back in my life or anything. I'm fine with us not talking. It's just his opinion of me that hurts. I just don't want him to think of me like that.

Originally Posted by talaniman

The very fact that you put so much importance on how he feels than in what you should be doing tells us all you have a hidden agenda other than friends.

I'm not trying to be friends anymore..

the_original · May 3, 2010, 10:29 AM

You can't help what he thinks of you, and at this stage in the game don't let it bother you. Its irrelevant. Like amicon said, if he wants to act like a 5 year old let him. I know it may hurt to know that someone you once cared for may not have the highest opinion of you, but there is nothing you can do to change peoples feelings. Rise above. You know you're a good person... who cares what an "ex" thinks.

talaniman · May 3, 2010, 10:32 AM

Originally Posted by yellowjello

tal,
That's not the situation. It isn't about me trying to be friends and him avoiding me. I'm not trying to be friends with him. I'm not even trying to start talking to him again. I don't want him back in my life or anything. I'm fine with us not talking. It's just his opinion of me that hurts. I just dont want him to think of me like that.

I'm not trying to be friends anymore..

If all that's true, then forget it. He will have to learn the truth for himself because you can't control his opinions of you, ONLY YOUR OWN ACTIONS.

Cat1864 · May 3, 2010, 10:33 AM

Originally Posted by yellowjello

I know, I know explaining things would make me seem more clingy. But I wasn't trying to be clingy all this time! I was just trying to be friends. I just wish I could explain myself to him! I'm so scared that if I don't, he is going to continue having the wrong idea about things..

It hurts so much that he thinks this. It's worse than the breakup itself. I don't care whether we're broken up or together, all I care about is how he thinks of me. I'm not asking for him back. I want to move on and see other people and go on with my life. It just hurts so much that it has to end like this. We had something special and I don't want it to be remembered so negatively. I wanted us to move on and always look back at what we had fondly, and cherish it. Because it will always mean something to me. And it hurts so much that he thinks of me like this because now it will never be like that for him!

I feel so miserable I can't even get out of bed.

Harshness warning

Everything that you have posted saying you don't want to get back together with him, you just want to be friends, you just want him to remember you kindly, etc. all point to you lying to yourself about your motives.

The above post is one huge rationalization for why you should be in touch with him even after he has made it plain that he doesn't want to have anything to do with you.

It should not matter to you what he thinks of you. His opinions are not your self-image. He isn't the one looking back at you in your mirror. YOU are. Time to take some responsibility for him thinking you are clingy and crazy. You have been. You have been doing everything in your power to make certain that you hold on to some piece of him even if it is his memories of you. Do you understand how disturbing that sounds?

Dry the tears. Get out of bed. Get your life in order before you have nothing left to get in order (no, it will not be his fault if your life continues to spiral downward). Meet new people, make new friends, enjoy new experiences, focus on the future not the past.

I wish · May 3, 2010, 10:42 AM

I can sympathize because I've felt the same way. Unfortunately, we can't force them to listen. We can't force them to change their minds about us. We can't force them to forgive us. You can't control their thoughts and feelings.

So why not focus on the things that you can control? What you can do is learn from your mistakes. Learn from the past. Don't make the same mistakes again. Forgive yourself.

Forgiving yourself is the easier said than done part. It's going to take time. Taking a proactive approach will also help, for example, by passing on what you've learned to others.

Gemini54 · May 3, 2010, 04:15 PM

That's not the situation. It isn't about me trying to be friends and him avoiding me. I'm not trying to be friends with him. I'm not even trying to start talking to him again. I don't want him back in my life or anything. I'm fine with us not talking. It's just his opinion of me that hurts. I just don't want him to think of me like that.

Look, I think that in the end you're being really obsessive about this.

You can't change the way another person thinks. Sure you can weep, wail and wish things were different. You can stay in bed and hide under the doona. You can think and rethink all the things that you should have done or shouldn't have done to make things different.

But what will it change? Zilcho. Nada. Nothing.

What you're doing, in fact, in the privacy of your own home, is becoming what he says you are - clinging to his memory, crazy and slightly deluded.

I can understand that you feel grief and I can understand, really understand, that you wish things had gone differently.

But they didn't. You can't unscramble the egg - it is the way that it is. You need to accept that this is how things are - it didn't end well, you won't have warm memories and he behaved meanly in the end.

Try to forgive him, and more importantly forgive yourself.

Sometimes life doesn't go the way we wish, or the way we planned, or the way we want - it's just out of our control and the best thing to do - for our own peace of mind - is to accept.

The only person you can control is yourself - start by making a real effort to stop obsessing about this situation and accepting that you can't change it by worrying.

yellowjello · May 3, 2010, 07:40 PM

It's getting worse. He never thought I was crazy until the recent events. But now that he thinks of me that way, in retrospect, he is judging me as being crazy the entire time. He isn't separating it. He isn't thinking "she was fine the entire time, only recently did she start acting crazy". He's letting his present opinion of me change his perception on past events! He's letting whatever happened NOW affect his opinion on how I was BEFORE! Now not only is his memory of me ruined, but his memory of what we once had is getting ruined too!

Yeah I know I should accept that the memories are ruined. It is just very difficult to do so. Losing this is harder than losing the relationship. I always thought even if we lose the relationship, we'll always have the memories (thats something that will be with us for the rest of our lives). So even if the relationship was gone, it's okay because the memories are still left. But if the memories are gone too, there's nothing left. They were something I was going to keep with me for life. So it feels like I lost a part of my life. I'm in love with those experiences I had with him. They're very very precious to me. Now it feels like that precious experience is being degraded, blasphemed, burnt from existence. It's tragic its like burning my child.

You know how when someone dies, they say you never really lost them because a part of them lives on with you in your memories?
That's how I felt about the relationship. Even though it died, it will live on in our hearts/memories. But now.. even that's gone.

Is it really true? I know I cannot control his mind, but I had hope that this negative opinion may not need to be permanent. I had some hope that there's a chance it could be salvaged. Some hope that there's something I could do, not to control his mind, but just to help his opinion of me. Is it really true that it is impossible, and he will think of me this way forever?

friend4u178 · May 3, 2010, 07:52 PM

You have to stop thinking and overanalyzing what he's thinking , it's totally out of your control and the more you let it overtake your feelings the more you'll freak out about it. People have given you good advice about how to move on from this , now it's your turn to do something about it. Otherwise you'll just get stuck and feel like cr*p until you do.

Your memories are yours and whatever you may believe NO ONE can take them away , so keep them , cherish them and don't worry about what anyone else has to say about it.

talaniman · May 3, 2010, 08:21 PM

Oh stop please, that's not how memories work! Chances are he will get to see your better happier side through the way you conduct yourself, or through friends and remember the good times, but it just turned south. That's the way we humans work, we remember it all, the good and the bad, someday, maybe not now, and for sure he will have nothing but bad memories if you stay in your room and whine about how this ended. Get over it, and put your head up and have a life that you enjoy after this dust settles.

Maybe you screwed it up at the end, but it doesn't have to be forever. Only as long as you feel sorry for yourself. Heck there will be other guys, at other times, and you can make so many more good memories to have, and he certainly will too.

That's how life works. As we keep living, other things will happen, some good, some bad. So save some of that heartache and let go of the drama, so you can see that your young life is just starting.

Gemini54 · May 3, 2010, 11:32 PM

The thing is, you're reacting to what you perceive his memory of your relationship to be, which is then affecting your memory of the relationship.

YOU know you had some happy times, YOU know that you loved each other - these are the memories you should be focusing on, not obsessing about what his memories are or will be.

You say that you understand you can't change the way he thinks, so why do you keep trying to change his opinion of you and why do you keep worrying about whether than opinion is permanent or not?

All these things are out of your control. Memories are just thoughts. You are not your thoughts. Make a conscious effort to change your thoughts, to remember what YOU want from the relationship, and let him go. `

I wish · May 4, 2010, 06:31 AM

You're both still in the early stages of the break up. So it's easy to feel so emotional and negative. Give it time. It will get easier for both of you.

Again, you can't control his thoughts. But you can control your own. It's very tiring to stay negative about another person. Both of you will ease up on your thoughts as time goes on. Be patient.