[yellowjello]

Threads merged

Me and my ex had a very special relationship. We were eachothers' first loves and we cared about each other a lot. We had something special and meaningful. It was amazing.

Then, because of distance, we grew apart. He broke up with me because he didn't feel the same anymore.

Now, distance isn't an issue anymore. And I think we can go back to how we were before. But he is over me and isn't interested.

But even though I don't feel the same anymore either, when I think of him and being with him, I think of how things used to be. Because I want to get that back and truly believe it is possible. That's why, when it comes to letting go and moving on, it hurts because I feel like I'm letting go of that special thing we had. And I don't want to because we had something special and I don't want to lose it.

But I'm scared that when he thinks of me, and being with me, he is just thinking of how things are NOW and not how they were before. Because maybe he thinks that things can never go back to how they were before. So he wants to let go and move on, because to him, he is only letting go of what we have NOW (which isn't that special or anything) so he wants to let it go since it isn't even good. And to him, he is only losing what we have NOW.

But I don't want him to think that way, because we CAN get back what we had before. I don't want him to just think about now, I want him to think about before too because it can come back. And if we move on, we are losing that too. And I know it was very special to him too and he wouldn't want to lose it.

[Wondergirl]

I'm sure your relationship will be a fond memory for both of you throughout your lives. You can't make someone love you again, so please stop torturing yourself and move on. You said it yourself: "he is over me and isn't interested."

[amicon]

Maybe you had something special,but he broke up with you,moved on and now he doesn't want to know.

You need to listen to what his actions and words are telling you.

You can't force him to feel something he doesn't.

You need to heal properly from the breakup by letting this go.

[yellowjello]

I'm not trying to force him to fall in love with me again. I'm just saying its possible for him to... if he gives it a chance.

[Wondergirl]

I'm just saying its possible for him to...if he gives it a chance.

Maybe it's not. I could never re-fall in love with ex-boyfriends again once I had moved on. Everything had changed.

[Cat1864]

I'm not trying to force him to fall in love with me again. I'm just saying its possible for him to...if he gives it a chance.

How old are you? How long were you with him before distance became an issue? Does he have another girlfriend now?

I am wondering if you are forcing yourself to stay in love with him instead of accepting what is past is past. You seem to be holding on to 'what was' as though if you let it go there won't be a 'what will be'.

You aren't the same person you were 'in the past', neither is he. You have both grown in different ways over the course of time. The fit can never be the same again. He seems to understand.

You need to look forward, not back. You will miss so much life and possibilities if you only concentrate on the past. You could be over-looking the person who would be perfect for you right now. Someone who will work with you to build a future. Give the future the chance you think he should give the past.

[Showme_urmove]

yellowjello I know its hard to think that your first love is now out of your life. You two had something special, But that was in the past, your living your life in the past and that's really bad for your future.

You can't make a relationship work if two parties don't feel the same. Love overcomes all, but you two are no longer in love. How can you two make your relationship last if love is not in the picture. You are trying to grab on something that's no longer their, you are in denial and won't accept the fact that you are not in love and he is no longer also. HE moved on and you need to accept it.

Your hoping for everything to get back the way it was. Its never going to happen, even if you two get back together that's not going to last, and your going to end up being hurt. Please do yourself a favor and move on. The sooner the better so you can heal and end your pain and wondering.
TAKE THIS LOST AND LEARN FROM IT.

[yellowjello]

Thank you for your responses.

Cat, I am 21, he is 20. We were together for 5 months before distance became an issue (but we lived together so we were with each other 24/7). He does not have a girlfriend now. I understand that people change, but our distant period was only for two months, so I don't think we have changed much. I agree with you that I am holding on to the past... but can't it be the present again?



Showme,
It's true that both parties need to be in love and I agree with that. I didn't mean we should get our relationship back without the love - that would be a horrible idea. I meant that even though our love has faded away, I think it can come back.

[Cat1864]

Thank you for your responses.

Cat, I am 21, he is 20. We were together for 5 months before distance became an issue (but we lived together so we were with eachother 24/7). He does not have a girlfriend now. I understand that people change, but our distant period was only for two months, so I don't think we have changed much. I agree with you that I am holding on to the past...but can't it be the present again?

How long have you known him? How long did you date before you moved in together?

[amicon]

For things to go back to the way they were,both people have to be willing to put in the effort.

He isn't.

[talaniman]

Whoa young lady. His feelings have changed, and no amount of going back to the good old days will convince him to because, he doesn't want to.

Accept that, whether you want to or not, and you can let go, and move on yourself. You just refuse to let go, but for sure you can't go back.

[yellowjello]

Threads merged
Because I don't want to.

For many other people, they know that what they had is gone for good. They know its over and will not come back. So they can walk away.

With me, I truly believe from the bottom of my heart that we can still get back what we lost. That's why it's hard to walk away. It is hard to walk away from something that is still there. Something that can still come back.

All the advice to take it off my mind and distract myself and forget about it feels plain wrong. If I can still get it back, it feels wrong to let go of it.


Cat,
We actually met after moving in together. We were roommates in a student apartment. We started dating about a month after we met.

Amicon,
Yes, I totally agree with you. I'm just scared that the only reason he isn't putting in the effort is because he thinks it isn't possible. If he KNEW it was possible, and STILL didn't want to, I'm totally okay with that. But I'm just scared that he doesn't know it's possible.


talaniman,
Yes, I know he doesn't want to. But that's the thing, I'm scared that he is under the impression that his feelings will never come back. If only he knew that his feelings COULD come back, then he can choose whether he wants them to or not. But right now I feel like he doesn't know that they can.


I'm sorry for posting twice. Just ignore this thread since it is somewhat similar to my other one.


Wait when I said ignore this thread, I meant the other one (which is now deleted). I thought I posted that there, but I guess it got posted here instead.

This thread is fine please do reply =)

[talaniman]

They were merged so no worries, but I think he has already made his decision, and you will only torture yourself by refusing to accept it as he no longer wants what you want, and you can only ruin the good memories and make a pest of yourself, and that will push him further away, NOT bring him closer.

I urge you to let this go, and give yourself time to let your emotional dust settle, so you can see for yourself, YOU are much to carried away for anything good to come of this.

[yellowjello]

talaniman,
Oh okay thanks for your reply! It is true that he has made his decision, but don't you think it matters if he doesn't know that things can go back? Maybe if he knew, his decision would be different..

[MyBrainIsMyDrug]

That's the problem though, your trying to steer him into that direction it sounds like... me and my ex-girlfriend had a "distance" for 2 years, we were together twice in the past, 3rd time she came back to me and basically did what your attempting to do, and I figured OK maybe things will work now... guess what... they didn't..

TYPICALLY if something doesn't work the first time it will never work... Letting go of the past, no matter how short or long ago it was, is very important... and also very hard.

The point is you shouldn't HAVE TO try and direct someone towards feelings or wanting to be in a relationship, they should just want that.. no convincing should be involved, how is that healthy...

[Cat1864]

talaniman,
Oh okay thanks for your reply! It is true that he has made his decision, but don't you think it matters if he doesn't know that things can go back? Maybe if he knew, his decision would be different..

You were together such a short time that I wonder if you aren't projecting your feelings onto him. For him, it may have ended up being a quick fling. What was said then may have been true to him at the time but it wasn't enough when reality set in.

You are so sure of your own feelings that you aren't allowing him to have his own. It isn't healthy in a relationship and it definitely isn't healthy in a break-up. You have to respect his right to feel the way he does and accept that maybe he didn't feel as strongly as you do.

[yellowjello]

But I'm not =( Everyone seems to think that I'm somehow trying to convince him or force him to come back. But I'm not... he can choose whether he wants to come back or not. It is his choice and I do respect his wishes. I just think he should know that it is in fact possible, before choosing. How come everyone thinks that is convincing him?

People do this in lots of situations,
"You can choose to be mad at me or not, but before you choose I think you should know what happened"
"You can choose whether you want to go to college or not, but before you choose I think you should know that it is possible to get a job without going to college"

It's just clearing up any misconceptions before they make their choice.

[Wondergirl]

he can choose whether he wants to come back or not. It is his choice and I do respect his wishes.

He doesn't know he has a choice? You're going to tell him?

[yellowjello]

No he knows he has a choice... why wouldn't he?

[Cat1864]

But I'm not =( Everyone seems to think that I'm somehow trying to convince him or force him to come back. But I'm not...he can choose whether he wants to come back or not. It is his choice and I do respect his wishes. I just think he should know that it is in fact possible, before choosing. How come everyone thinks that is convincing him?

It's just clearing up any misconceptions before they make their choice.

The problem is he has made his choice.

You aren't accepting his choice now. How many times has he 'thought about it'? Would him giving it anymore thought and still choosing to move on make a difference? How many more times do you want him to 'think about it'? At some point you have to accept that he has made a decision and move forward with your own life.