I don't know how to help him

goottastic · May 2, 2010, 06:37 PM

I've become very close friends with a guy named, Kyle. I met him online so we haven't ever met each other (though I have seen pictures, heard his voice, and been on a webcam with him so I KNOW he's not a "rapist"). We have a really strong friendship and I know I can tell him anything, but recently there's one subject Kyle hates talking about: my boyfriend. Every time I bring him up Kyle gets jealous, sad, and sometimes even angry. Last night, Kyle told me that he can't deal with his own emotions because he loves me, but then he hates himself for having feelings for me because I only want to be his friend. There was a time, before I started dating my boyfriend, that I had feelings for Kyle but I didn't want to do anything about it because I only knew him online and he doesn't live near me. I want to help Kyle because he's been there so many times for me, but how can I help him when I'm the root of his problems? I only see him as a friend and I love my boyfriend, but what am I supposed to do? Kyle's always depressed now and always seems to be moody and agitated. Every time I try to help him we always end up fighting, another thing he blames himself for.

alesha8781 · May 2, 2010, 06:51 PM

It sounds like this guy is trying to make you feel guilty by blaming himself. Be careful here, although you have talked with him and such does not mean that he is not dangerous. You can not truly know someone you meet over the internet and always need to be careful. Even if he were a friend of yours that lived near you, it would be difficult to have a trusting relationship with your boyfriend because your boyfriend is going to worry that this man will steal you away. I would tell him that you are sorry, but you do not see him that way. If he wishes to continue being friends online, he can't get angry or fight with you about your boyfriend. Also, he can't talk about being in love with you. If this continues, and you want to stay with your current boyfriend, I would cut ties with Kyle.

Really though, from the sounds of it, he is trying to manipulate you.

goottastic · May 2, 2010, 07:10 PM

That's what most of my friends have been saying, but I just can't believe he would try to manipulate me :/ He's always been so kind to me and he's never even had a girlfriend before so sometimes I think he just doesn't know how to handle situations like this. But every time he brings it up I just want to tell him to shut up (which would be a really terrible thing to do) and to go away.

Cat1864 · May 2, 2010, 07:22 PM

By trying to help him, you aren't. In a way you are giving him false hope that you on some level share his feelings. If you continue to feed into his delusions, he will (if he hasn't already) do his best to cause problems between you and your boyfriend in hopes that you will turn to him.

Quite frankly, the best thing you can do is back away. Give him space and time to accept what you have tried to tell him. Let him deal with his emotions and get help where he lives for his problems. Don't accept anymore of the drama he is trying to cause. You don't need it. No one does. He won't stop it as long as it gets him what he wants-your attention.

alesha8781 · May 2, 2010, 07:24 PM

Yes, but if her continues to say these things to you, your relationship will suffer. If other people think he is trying to manipulate you, he probably is. Tell him there is ZERO chance of the two of you being together in that way. If he starts a fight about this, stop talking to him and assume he is dangerous.

DrBill100 · May 2, 2010, 07:34 PM

If you take the word "manipulate" out of the post I believe Alesha has given you the right advice. "Persuade" might be easier to accept. It's better to bring it to a resolution for both your benefit as well as his. Not easy though...

Gemini54 · May 3, 2010, 01:55 AM

Part of the problem is that you're playing into his drama by responding to it.

You either back off and don't have contact with him, or simply tell him that his friendship with you is at risk if he brings up the topic of your BF again.

The best way you can help him is by being clear and setting boundaries around what you'll accept from him in terms of his behavior.

It's the best gift you can give him.