[spitfire1945]

I have a dilemma, I have an ex-girlfriend who works with me. We broke up at the end of January and she started dating someone almost 4-5 days after we broke up. She jumps up and down and tells everyone about him and gets really excited when he brings her stuff (like coffee et al) at work. Its quite annoying.

When she started dating him she pulled me aside and told me she is dating someone and its only casual, nothing serious. She even got bothered by the fact that I called her date, her 'boyfriend'. Although 2 months later she doesn't mind me acknowledging him as her boyfriend. She still knows I have a lot of feelings for her. I see her frequently at work and we talk, neutrally. In fact, she even calls me for therapy sessions and I am always more than willing to be there for her. She recently asked me that when I was free than "maybe [I] could take her for a drive in Jarvis (that's the name of my new truck)". It was her birthday recently and I gave her one of my hoodies. She likes hoodies, especially men's and she liked it. She even wore it the next day and took a picture and uploaded it on facebook but eventually took it down.

Just a few hours ago she invited me over to her house welcoming party. I told her that I may not come and she eventually got pushy and said that I am coming. It was as if she was ordering me around. I know everybody that will be at the housewarming party. She still has a boyfriend and I still very much love (and I am not tossing that word around, I promise) her. I do want her back, btw.

A few weeks ago on a Thursday night I drunk texted her and kind of got a bit frustrated. I told her that I stole her from the Australian guy she was dating at the time she met me what makes her think I can't steal her from her current boyfriend. To which she replied: 'You aren't going to "steal" me from xxxxx. I am sorry. We had a good time, but its over now. And if you make me into a cheater, the same kind of person I hate so much, it will do anything but increase your chances.' (The last line actually pissed me off but I didn't say anything). Next day (Friday night) when she is with her boyfriend out, she texts me and tell me that its ok for me to vent. I told her to not start this again because I am a little drunk to which she replied by saying that its ok to vent to her, even when I am sober. "Its OK. I understand." Yeah I am the hold it in kinda guy.

Just recently I told her that "out of respect for him I'm not going to the party. You do have to remember we were a couple and it's going to weird people out. After all everyone who knows about us is going to be there. I think we get along great, but even if you push for me being there and he says he's fine with it? It wouldn't be OK, and I'm sure he'd be uncomfortable. If I happen to be in the area, I might stop by for a few but I can't promise you anything." Her response: "I haven't told him we dated. He doesn't ask me about my past and I don't ask him about his." (and yet she went around telling everyone about how much of a crazy ex-wife her boyfriend has.)

... what?

[Alty]

She's stringing you along, leaving you as a safety net.

You have feelings for this girl and you're never going to get over them if you keep seeing her.

It's unfortunate that you work together, but that doesn't mean that you have to be "buddies".

It's time to tell her that you still have feelings for her and that in order to get over those feelings you're going to have to go to no contact. That means no more rides in your car, no more gifts, no more phone calls, nothing.

You deserve the chance to get over her and meet someone new, she's holding you back from that opportunity.

[amicon]

Altenweg is right,you need to move on and the best way you can do this is by having as little contact as possible with her.

Forget being friends and focus on you and healing from the breakup.

[QLP]

Oh dear sorry about the typo alty. But yes, I think you have it spot on.

To the OP, this girl is just not taking your feelings into account. She is keeping you around on her terms even though she has a new boyfriend. She is playing the 'let's stay friends but I'm going to make sure you still stay hooked on me' game. A real friend would know you need space to get over this and would let you have much more say on the terms of the friendship since you still have strong feelings for her.

[talaniman]

I am going to take a different angle on this. I think its unfortunate that she works with you and that in itself makes a break up harder, but you choosing to allow her to stay close on a friends level did you no good whatsoever and made a difficult situation extremely hard.

The way I see it is your only recourse is some blunt honesty so you can get enough space to heal. That's what you have to tell her that you must deal with your feelings and that means at this time you can't be just buddies, or close friends.

Its very easy to blame her, and what she is doing, for your misery, and discomfort. But its you who have unintentionally allowed it. That has to change and you have to step up for yourself and put some emotional space between you both. Busy, and unavailable, but friendly and courteous at work. Treat her like any other co worker, but without the buddies stuff.

it will do anything but increase your chances.'

She seems to think she can comeback if she wants to and you would take her(you would), but this arrogance that she just has it like that would motivate me to forget ever having her as a romantic partner ever again, no matter how good she looks, great she smells, or how sparkling the personality.

One thing that you seem to forget which is very telling is how easily, and readily she can go from one guy to another with the ease of a practiced pro. While nothing wrong with that, you better recognize she has no problem with it, and you were just another in a line of many. The new guy will find that out soon enough on his own.

For that reason only, do you separate yourself from her, and get about doing your own thing again, and let her do hers.

[sully123]

She is just dangling you around, and your allowing her to do this. She is playing you for a fool. Stop, whether you work with her or not, you don't owe her anything. Stop buying gifts for her, she is just stringing you along. Find someone who doesn't treat you that way.

[asking]

Everyone is right. You have to take responsibility for separating from her. If you could transfer or take a job somewhere else, that'd be great. If not, just cut out the friends, gifts, therapy (what is that anyway)?

I agree with Talaniman that there's nothing to be gained by vilifying her. You've allowed this as much as she has. The difference is that she has something to gain by it and, in the long run, you don't

I'm not convinced she's a bad person, as others have suggested, but just a bit selfish and short sighted. She's definitely not thinking about what's best for you or her current relationship. I agree you should not go to the party. And don't drunk text her anymore. Take her address out of your phone.

[spitfire1945]

I don't blame her. Women are unpredictable in general, they follow emotions and not logic. This is the reason behind why I haven't begged her to take me back. Einstein was divorced, twice, if world's smartest man couldn't figure out women, who the hell am I to speak.

One of my lady friends ed at her after a week after we broke up she brought her date to the dinner we were all having and started kissing and making out in front of me. In fact, my manager (who was also at the dinner) also ed at her. When confronted my ex's initial reaction was "well he needs to get over it" to them but later caved in and tried to make friendly text conversation with me. I actually apologized for my lady friend's actions because we are not together anymore and she should enjoy herself the way she wants, to which she replied: "You don't have to apologize. I know I am the bad person in all of this. Please don't apologize, this isn't you."

I am a very understanding guy and I try my best to find equilibrium between not being a carpet and being nice. But the balance is hard to maintain. I am trying my best.

PS. I barely talk to her and no I am not going to the party. But I do risk losing my friends over this as well. She doesn't have a friend's circle and all of her friends are my closest friends. It has been almost 3 months and I still find myself in a bit of a hole.

[spitfire1945]

Also, as far as resisting goes, I don't just cave in. I am not THAT stupid. When she asked me that when Jarvis was up and running properly I could take her for a ride. I replied "Maybe, you are usually trouble". I obviously didn't go, "YEAH SURE LOVE, ANYTHING FOR YOU!".

[asking]

I think your general remarks that "women are unpredictable" and "follow emotions not logic" are inappropriate here. It sounds like a put down of women generally. We are talking about you and your ex--not the billions of women you have never met. You wouldn't say "Norwegians are lazy and dramatize everything" because you think your girlfriend is lazy and she is Norwegian. That is unjustified inductive reasoning.

Humans are unpredictable and react emotionally. No race and certainly neither sex has the market cornered on logic. If you were logical, you wouldn't even have to ask what to do. :)

Finally, her behavior is in many respects perfectly rational. Why should she not have the friendship of both her current boyfriend and you if she can manage it? There's no downside for her.

The world's smartest women can't always figure out men either. I just found out the man I've been seeing for 4 months hasn't told anyone in his family that he even has a girlfriend because then they might find out he separated from his now deceased wife four years ago. THIS is logic?

[spitfire1945]

Oh no no, I don't put down women and I hate generalizing. That's very non-scientific of me.

"The world's smartest women can't always figure out men either. I just found out the man I've been seeing for 4 months hasn't told anyone in his family that he even has a girlfriend because then they might find out he separated from his now deceased wife four years ago. THIS is logic?!"

Me and my ex didn't tell our parents about each other either the entire time we dated. I am atheist (with a hindu background) and she is christian-baptist. Her parents were already making her life hell because they wanted her to date christian boys and we didn't want to escalate the situation.

[Gemini54]

Hey, you've had some great advice and what I think it really boils down to is that you need to distance yourself from your ex. (and stop that drunk texting!)

She's had no problems moving on and you have. I think she's been very inconsiderate of your feelings and if she is just blind to any feelings that you have, that makes it even worse.

Sadly, you're seeing an awful side to your ex now, a sort of mean in yiur face side of her nature.

It's difficult that you work together (another reason NOT to mix work with relationships), but it does sound as if your work mates are supportive of you.

Think about yourself, not her. You need to heal and to stop being the good guy.

Keep it cool, keep it professional and keep it at work.