[mommy55]

Hi I am a 35yr old divorced mother with four boys aging 17-10 and This guy that I am in a relationship with he is 37yrs old with two beautiful little girls 10 and 6yrs old. And he is a widow and his wife passed on Feb. 2007 and we've been in a relationship for a year. So my problem is that still to this day he often talks about his wife and all there memories they had, We've been on vacation together and he talks about his wife and what they did when they were there, We go out to eat and he talks about his wife and what table they sat at and at times he plays around with me and ask me to go sit at there very same table and I refuse to do it. I have told him if he was ready to move on and he replies yes that he loves me and can't live without me. And he has promised me that we would start making our own memories but he forgets and he keeps bringing up his past about his wife. One time we went out to the pool and the lady at the front desk name was Veronica and he told her with a smile, "Oh I love your name" and here he goes again saying that was my wife's name we all start with the letter "V". He told me his wife always told him he wanted for him to move on. Now here's another thing his wife was born with a disease called sickle cell so he was aware that he was going to loose her one day. And another thing his wife passed away at home and he never got a priest to go bless the house. Now the weird thing we hear frequent noises at the house especially around the holidays and his girls birthday. At times he and I could be liying down on the bed and her obituary will fall from the wall and land on top of him. And at times when we try to spend time together alone something always happens and if he try's to come see me he always looses his keys he can't find them. So my question is, Is he ready to move on or am I just being selfish.

[asking]

He is not ready to move on. I'm so sorry you are suffering this way.

I don't know why he has her obituary out at all, let alone floating around the room loose and falling off walls. I don't see this guy moving on anytime soon. You could try counseling, but I'm a bit pessimistic based on what you have said.

It's not only about whether he has got over her, which he apparently has not. It's also that he doesn't care enough about your feelings to zip it. I don't think he's really even trying. I would break off with him and find someone who can focus on you. You sound like a nice person. You deserve better.

[mommy55]

He is not ready to move on. I'm so sorry you are suffering this way.

I don't know why he has her obituary out at all, let alone floating around the room loose and falling off walls. I don't see this guy moving on anytime soon. You could try counseling, but I'm a bit pessimistic based on what you have said.

It's not only about whether he has got over her, which he apparently has not. It's also that he doesn't care enough about your feelings to zip it. I don't think he's really even trying. I would break off with him and find someone who can focus on you. You sound like a nice person. You deserve better.

Thank you for your response, but yea his little girls put there mom's obituary up on the wall. And he said when she passed away he had gone threw counseling. Now other people have told me to tell him that he needs to go to the cemetery to go talk to her and tell her that his fine and his going to do his best to take care of there daughters and that he's met someone and he"s happy and he wants her to rest in peace. But I don't think he likes that idea. My guess would be the part in telling her he met someone else.

[Gemini54]

I don't think that he wants to commit to a new relationship. He just wants to be with someone where he can talk about his dead wife.

Sorry, but he doesn't even seem to be making an effort, and I suspect you'll tire of having her ghost as a constant presence in your lives.

If he can't let go, then perhaps you need to. Is it really worth investing your time in playing second fiddle to a person that's been dead for 3 years?

You'll never be able to compete with her glorified image...

[mommy55]

I don't think that he wants to commit to a new relationship. He just wants to be with someone where he can talk about his dead wife.

Sorry, but he doesn't even seem to be making an effort, and I suspect you'll tire of having her ghost as a constant presence in your lives.

If he can't let go, then perhaps you need to. Is it really worth investing your time in playing second fiddle to a person that's been dead for 3 years?

You'll never be able to compete with her glorified image....

Honestly, I don't know what drives me back to him. And I've told me if he would ever stop calling me or stops looking for me. I know I wouldn't have anything to do with him anymore.

[Jake2008]

It is no different than any other relationship. He is not only grieving the loss of the relatiionship, he's greiving the physical loss of his wife.

In some ways, he keeps her very much alive, as you've experienced already.

Plus, I think he's rather insensitive and boorish. It is rude for him to allow himself to frequently talk her while with you, and keep bringing up situations and history. He is treating you with very little respect.

If he can't see this, and continues to treat you this way, then he needs to be on his own to live his life with a shadow.

He can after all, control his thoughts and emotions. He can attend counselling or grief therapy, or visit the funeral home for advice on how to deal with the loss of his wife. If he can't control his thoughts and continues to live with his wife, he should seek psychiatric help.

Either way, you are the other woman here.

That he has made a choice to stay stuck in this never-ending place, gives your relationship with him little to build a new foundation on.

I do believe that the odd things that happen in the house, are likely happening because she too is communicating to him. What she is likely saying is, please let me go, and get on with your life.

I hope you find a way to see that while he is still very much married to his wife, he has opportunity to change and work through the grieving process.

If he chooses not to, I would assume that he prefers his relationsihp with his wife, over you, and you have your answer.

[talaniman]

While I think its okay that two lonely people enjoy each others company, I don't think you have gotten to the level that the communications is even that forth coming or honest. I also see more dependence than actual caring, as you both may be comfortable having someone, but you have not reached that awareness off each other on a more personal level. At least he hasn't and maybe he is not motivated to yet.

That's where the honest communications come in, and its only been a year, but I would say that now would be the time to talk, and find ways to be considerate, so you can enjoy the really getting to know each other process. There is a big lack of honest communications from you both.

[asking]

I agree with Jake that your guy is inconsiderate of you. Boorish and rude? You bet! He may want to keep you (calling you a lot), but that doesn't mean you have to want him. Just because someone is a widower does not make them a catch.

I personally do not believe in supernatural things such as ghosts and I think if you are hearing noises, they are whatever they are, knocking pipes or the house creaking when it warms up or cools off. Houses make all kinds of noises, which you may notice more if you are all home.

But the important thing is that he could make an effort to consider your feelings, and he does not. It's almost like he wants to make you feel like you are second fiddle. And I would not rule out a certain manipulativeness here. The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that if you stay with him he will make you unhappy. And if you are unhappy, your four children will be unhappy. Time to move on, take a breather from dating and focus on the kids for a little while.

[Devorameira]

Your concerns are really valid. It sounds like he's really struggling with the loss of his wife and the transition into a new relationship with you. You must feel as if there are 3 of you (him, you, and her)!

I'd suggest you be open with him about your concerns. Let him know that it makes you uncomfortable when he constantly brings her up. Also, when he talks about her right in front of you as if she's still living, that makes you uncomfortable.

Ask him if there is anything you can do to help him with this transition. You want to be sensitive to what seems to be a struggle for him.

On the other hand, I think it's important for you to decide where your boundaries are. If the two of you have talked openly and you've done what you feel you can do and he's still struggling, is that OK with you?

I'm not telling you to end the relationship immediately, but you do need to know what your limits are so that you aren't waiting for him indefinitely.

[mommy55]

It is no different than any other relationship. He is not only grieving the loss of the relatiionship, he's greiving the physical loss of his wife.

In some ways, he keeps her very much alive, as you've experienced already.

Plus, I think he's rather insensitive and boorish. It is rude for him to allow himself to frequently talk her while with you, and keep bringing up situations and history. He is treating you with very little respect.

If he can't see this, and continues to treat you this way, then he needs to be on his own to live his life with a shadow.

He can afterall, control his thoughts and emotions. He can attend counselling or grief therapy, or visit the funeral home for advice on how to deal with the loss of his wife. If he can't control his thoughts and continues to live with his wife, he should seek psychiatric help.

Either way, you are the other woman here.

That he has made a choice to stay stuck in this never-ending place, gives your relationship with him little to build a new foundation on.

I do belive that the odd things that happen in the house, are likely happening because she too is communicating to him. What she is likely saying is, please let me go, and get on with your life.

I hope you find a way to see that while he is still very much married to his wife, he has opportunity to change and work through the grieving process.

If he chooses not to, I would assume that he prefers his relationsihp with his wife, over you, and you have your answer.

Thank you for opening my eyes I would ask him if all he wanted was a friendship that I would accept it but no he tells me he wants a relationship but to go slow.

[mommy55]

Your concerns are really valid. It sounds like he's really struggling with the loss of his wife and the transition into a new relationship with you. You must feel as if there are 3 of you (him, you, and her)!

I'd suggest you be open with him about your concerns. Let him know that it makes you uncomfortable when he constantly brings her up. Also, when he talks about her right in front of you as if she's still living, that makes you uncomfortable.

Ask him if there is anything you can do to help him with this transition. You want to be sensitive to what seems to be a struggle for him.

On the other hand, I think it's important for you to decide where your boundaries are. If the two of you have talked openly and you've done what you feel you can do and he's still struggling, is that ok with you?

I'm not telling you to end the relationship immediately, but you do need to know what your limits are so that you aren't waiting for him indefinitely.

That is very true because it is exactly how I feel. That's why at my end of the question I asked if I was being selfish. Because I hate competing with someone who isn't here. And he knows that it bothers me about his constant talks about his wife and Im not here trying to make him look bad because he has try to give up but he doesn't know why he does it and at times he calls me by her name he doesn't mean to but it slips out. So he tells me not to worry about anything just to know that he loves me because I'm the one with the pulse but I think that I'm the one with the feelings but he doesn't say anything he'll just change the subject.

[Wondergirl]

I'm going to give you an idea from a different angle. Why not take the time to celebrate her life with him? Like someone else said, he hasn't finished the grieving process and hasn't let her go yet. How 'bout if you help him through that process? You both will be better off for it, if you really care about him and his daughters and want to keep the relationship going.

Here's what you can do: Suggest that all of you go to a nursery and pick out a pretty, young tree -- maybe a magnolia or an ornamental fruit tree. When did she die? Maybe it could be a tree that will be pretty in the spring or one that will have pretty foliage in the fall or an evergreen tree that will be especially pretty during the winter months. Does he own a house? If so, all of you get together and have a family ceremony to plant the tree in the yard. If he doesn't own a house, maybe ask at the village hall offices if a tree in her honor could be planted on village property somewhere, say in a park or next to the senior center.

There are other things you can do too to help resolve his grief. He and his daughters could write a small book about her and draw pictures, you could type up what they write, and the four of you and even your own kids too could put together a front and back cover for the book. That way it will be a special blended family project in honor of a wonderful woman who gave life to two beautiful girls and make the man in your life very happy. After all, you are there now to carry on that pleasure.

There are other things you can do too. Just let me know if you need another idea or two. The main thing is to help him get through his grief by honoring his deceased wife and the mother of his daughters. I see only positives resulting from an effort like this.

[mommy55]

I'm going to give you an idea from a different angle. Why not take the time to celebrate her life with him? Like someone else said, he hasn't finished the grieving process and hasn't let her go yet. How 'bout if you help him through that process? You both will be better off for it, if you really care about him and his daughters and want to keep the relationship going.

Here's what you can do: Suggest that all of you go to a nursery and pick out a pretty, young tree -- maybe a magnolia or an ornamental fruit tree. When did she die? Maybe it could be a tree that will be pretty in the spring or one that will have pretty foliage in the fall or an evergreen tree that will be especially pretty during the winter months. Does he own a house? If so, all of you get together and have a family ceremony to plant the tree in the yard. If he doesn't own a house, maybe ask at the village hall offices if a tree in her honor could be planted on village property somewhere, say in a park or next to the senior center.

There are other things you can do too to help resolve his grief. He and his daughters could write a small book about her and draw pictures, you could type up what they write, and the four of you and even your own kids too could put together a front and back cover for the book. That way it will be a special blended family project in honor of a wonderful woman who gave life to two beautiful girls and make the man in your life very happy. After all, you are there now to carry on that pleasure.

There are other things you can do too. Just let me know if you need another idea or two. The main thing is to help him get through his grief by honoring his deceased wife and the mother of his daughters. I see only positives resulting from an effort like this.

Well this past christmas 2009 I decorated the X-mas tree in honor of her. I put pictures of her and her girls on the tree and when I asked him for some pictures and he started crying, because he started remembering her as if it was just yesterday. He says its going to be hard to forget her cause when he looks at his girls he see's an image of her in them.

[Fr_Chuck]

He needs to start moving on, the news paper of her death goes into the scrap book for the kids. Many photos goes away , kids keep some in their room

You don't go to some of the same places, find new places that will be new to you and him.

[asking]

I agree that he needs to move on, but it doesn't sound like he's even trying. He likes where he is. What does that say about him?

I dated a man who wanted me to wear his dead wife's clothes. I was out of there fast...

[Wondergirl]

Well this past christmas 2009 I decorated the X-mas tree in honor of her. I put pictures of her and her girls on the tree and when I asked him for some pictures and he started crying, because he started remembering her as if it was just yesterday. He says its going to be hard to forget her cause when he looks at his girls he see's an image of her in them.

Good for you! Then you have tried that route, but apparently he really can't move forward.

When I was in college, I cleaned house for a widower who had closed off the master bedroom after his wife died seven years earlier. He slept in one of the smaller bedrooms. The sheets and bedspread in the master bedroom were the same ones she had put on the bed, her clothes were still in the closet and in the chest of drawers, and there were strands of her hair in her hairbrush. He sobbed as he showed me all this and begged me not to desecrate that room. He kept the drapes pulled day and night and regularly spent time in the room crying for his deceased wife.

You don't want to become entangled in something like that.

[Fr_Chuck]

When I meet Toni (heavens about 11 years now) I was told by a very smart man ( my dad * love you dad RIP) that you don't bring anything from a past wife into the home with a new wife.

Except for my tools and church supplies, it all went and I got all new, she never sat on my past wife's couch, never laid on her bed. And never ate on her dishes.

** OHHHHH wear her clothes that makes me shudder.

[Jake2008]

I think that it is very important that he realizes just how much of his life he is living in the past, and how he is allowing the past to cloud the present and the future.

I'm also wondering if this is perhaps some sort of defensive mechanism, in that while he keeps you at arm's length, he does not have to face or cope with the reality that you too, may leave him. Investing in loving someone may be something he does not wish to do.

If he does understand how you feel when he talks about her all the time, and shares these thoughts openly with you, and he understands that it simply makes you uncomfortable (it would me too, you have the patience of a saint), then he needs to start talking to her, and leaving you out of the conversations.

How is to buy him a notebook of some type and a special pen. Tell him that when he is feeling overwhelmed with memories of her, to write the thoughts out in a book. I would say that it is time he stopped expecting you to just accept him and his memories any old time he feels like bringing them up, and making you feel so unimportant.

Tell him that you want a relationship with him, only him, without his deceased wife affecting your relationship together. Ask him to understand that you are not telling him not to stop thinking about her, only that you would like him to remember and reflect and
Write about her, in private.

The purpose would be to give him the space he needs to deal with his ongoing feelings about her, and write out his thoughts, feelings, things that remind him of her, etc. but at the same time show you due respect for your relationship- just the two of you.

While he allows himself to live this way, your relationship may never change, or change enough that he could completely let her go. I still recommend counselling for him, and I would also recommend couples counselling to get to the bottom of what I see as a lack of commitment from him to you.

[asking]

I agree with you, Fr. Chuck, that a new partner deserves a fresh start as much as possible. I admire your determination to do that. Pretty nice!

[mommy55]

He needs to start moving on, the news paper of her death goes into the scrap book for the kids. Many photos goes away , kids keep some in their room

you don't go to some of the same places, find new places that will be new to you and him.

We have been to some restaurants and there new and when we got there, well it was my first time and he told me they were bearly building that whole plaza when his wife was still alive and that she didn't get to try them. I feel as if he just has to bring her up.