Don't know what to do

PetraIvy · Dec 5, 2006, 09:54 AM

I am married. So is the Male co-worker I am about to talk about. I have a great relationship with my husband. This Male co-worker's wife has cancer, is currently getting chemo. He claims he hasn't had sex in 3 years because she is so sick and fragile. Prior to that, things weren't the best either... he said both he and his wife were unfaithful and were going to get a divorce... then she got sick, and he felt like an for wanting to leave her, so he stuck by her to take care of her. Anyway, this brings it to me. About 4 months ago, he began to work in my department. Prior to that, we didn't know each other. Immediately he began flirting with me, and started talking about sex. I tried to avoid him and told him I was married. Over the last couple of weeks though, he has been bugging me, talking about sex all the time. I asked him if he would ever give up, knowing that I was married and would never do anything to hurt my husband. He said eventually. I told him that if situation was different (both of us were NOT married), that I would date him. I am not sure if he took that as an invitation or not, but something happened that I was NOT comfortable with. He kind of backed me into an un used room, grabbed my face and kissed me. I was shocked, stunned, and wanted to cry. I have to admit I have feelings for this man, but nothing would/could drive me to do anything to hurt my husband... I love my husband. Anyway, after he did it, he noticed the look on my face, and the fact that I avoided him for some time after... and he profusely apologized, said he didn't want to hurt me, and he would never try it again. Should I leave things at that?

Tuscany · Dec 5, 2006, 10:38 AM

Petra-
First I want to applaud you for not acting on your feelings for this other man. While that might sound funny, this day in age, it seems people act before they think and then regret their actions.
As for the situation it is clear that this man knows that you were made uncomfortable by his advances. He very well could regret putting you in that situation. I would leave it alone for now. However, if he make advances at you again, then I would put a stop to it. This includes his discussion of sex with you. It is not appropriate, nor should it be tolerated. This is a form of sexual harassment, especially now that he knows how you feel.

rol · Dec 5, 2006, 10:39 AM

Yes leave it at that!! Or get a case of moral harassment against him!! Don't let this kind of guy turn you on!!
He claims he hasn't had sex in 3 years because she is so sick and fragile. Prior to that, things weren't the best either... he said both he and his wife were unfaithful and were going to get a divorce...
That's what they all seem to say... What do you care?

Go and see what is missing in your current relationship and work on that instead of getting attracted by such creeps!!

Saintas · Dec 5, 2006, 10:51 AM

Originally Posted by PetraIvy

I told him that if situation was differnt (both of us were NOT married), that I would date him.

Be careful what you say , you give him hope and seems like you respond to the flirt .
When you have a good relation with your husband why you have feelings for this guy ?
Don't listen his crap , if you need more attention try to get from your husband .
And when you say stop to him that's must be Stop.
It is easy to spoil what you have and than you will regret . He is a cheater, he admit that to you .

And straight now, what was the real question?
Well you know what I mean

PetraIvy · Dec 5, 2006, 01:56 PM

Thank you all for your input. For a while prior to this other man transferring to my department, my husband had slacked off a bit with the romance, and wasn't giving me much attention. I have to admit I was very flattered by this man telling me how beautiful I was, what nice eyes I had... ect. I thought, OK, he is hitting on me. Then he jokingly asked me to take a trip to Las Vegas with him and tell my husband I was going on a conference. I told him I didn't think my husband and his wife would appreciate that very much... so for a while he left me alone. Then he started flirting again... for some reason I tried to get him out of my head but couldn't. I felt guilty, told myself I should not be developing feelings for another man... and hoped my husband would offer some more attention. Soon, my husband did, was telling me he loved me and how beautiful I was... ect. It was nice, almost as if he sensed I needed it and he had not been giving me much attention lately. I knew I shouldn't have told this other man that I would date him if I were single... I feel that if I had not told him that he would not have put me in such a compromising position. Honestly I feel terrible. I felt torn apart, dissheveled, uneasy after he kissed me... a feeling I do not want to replicate any time soon. It also reinforced how much I do care for my husband and his feelings.

Bluerose · Dec 5, 2006, 02:22 PM

He thinks you are playing games. Playing hard to get and it is turning him on. I think you need to be more firm. Tell this man to leave you alone or you will report him for sexual harassment. Be firm or it might be worse than grabbing a kiss in an unused room next time. You must refuse to play this game with him it is dangerous.

He reminds me of a boss I had. Be careful.

Saintas · Dec 5, 2006, 02:22 PM

So , you know the answers , question if you really believe in what have you said .
You already living in limbo , that is worted? And yes , I believe your genuinly question here was to somebody push you in a way or other and to check if your feelings was bad (you know what feelings ) and to reinforce for you one more time " how much I do care for my husband and his feelings " . You still not are sure if 100 procent true what I've quote here .
Go with your marriage, is a wining card.

BIM · Dec 5, 2006, 02:31 PM

I would leave it alone. I wouldn't talk to the man or flirt with him again. It seems he knows how you feel and I would leave it at that.

ordinaryguy · Dec 5, 2006, 03:43 PM

Yes, leave it alone for now. But absolutely STOP any kind of flirting, or even casual conversation. Make a discreet inquiry about the sexual harassment policy at your company and find out the details of how to file a complaint. This would accomplish two things. First, it would reinforce your own resolve not to tolerate this, and second, it would give you confidence as to what your rights are in case you need to confront him about it. If he starts up again with the sex talk (I'm guessing he will before too long), get deadly serious IMMEDIATELY and tell him that you will file a sexual harassment complaint if he EVER does it again, even once. Mean it, and make sure he knows that you do. Rose is right. This is not a trivial matter, and it could be dangerous, so don't trifle with it. And please, don't tell your husband. As long as you're doing what's necessary to stop it, it's a secret that's better off kept. If you're not willing to stop it, the secret won't be kept for long.