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HeatherT2870 · Dec 4, 2006, 11:00 PM

After not hearing from my ex for 11 years... suddenly he says that he has rights and wants visitation. We divorced 12 years ago, and I was awarded sole custody, and also filed for child support. He has never paid a dime, the phone number that I had for him was disconnected and the only people that I had contact info for in his family refused to help us to find him. Suddenly he has resurfaced after finding our sixteen year old child on the internet. My child hasn't seen him in 14 years and he is demanding that he should have UNSUPERVISED :mad: visits. We divorced due to his drinking and some physical/sexual abuse issues. Is there any way that he can NOW force me to allow him visitation? What do you suggest. I am terrified that he has resurfaced.

mnaznguy · Dec 5, 2006, 01:39 AM

Originally Posted by HeatherT2870

After not hearing from my ex for 11 years...suddenly he says that he has rights and wants visitation. We divorced 12 years ago, and I was awarded sole custody, and also filed for child support. He has never paid a dime, the phone number that I had for him was disconnected and the only people that I had contact info for in his family refused to help us to find him. Suddenly he has resurfaced after finding our sixteen year old child on the internet. My child hasn't seen him in 14 years and he is demanding that he should have UNSUPERVISED :mad: visits. We divorced due to his drinking and some physical/sexual abuse issues. Is there any way that he can NOW force me to allow him visitation?? What do you suggest. I am terrified that he has resurfaced.

Obsolutely not. He can try to take you to court again, but the courts have already awarded you sole custody. I would take to either an officer (about harressment and filing charges) or a lawyer/judge. I really wouldn't worry about him getting any custody, he might get some kind of visitation, but I'd doubt that too. The only thing might be that your child is getting close the age of an adult and then he might have the choice to do as he wishes.

KISSROMEO2 · Dec 5, 2006, 06:12 AM

I'm assuming the biological father's name is on the child's birth certificate? If not, he has no rights either way. But I think you should deny him visitation until you can get a custody agreement, etc, with him through your local courthouse. I would not let my child anywhere near the parent who has denied and refused to see her. It seems awfully fishy that a disappearing father has magically resurfaced for visitation??

excon · Dec 5, 2006, 07:57 AM

Hello Heather:

Yeah, he's an a**hole. But, you picked him.

14 years is a long time... But, his rights as a parent don't go away with time. He has rights. He can enforce them. Unless he is proven totally worthless, the court will side with him.

Remember how much the divorce cost?? Get ready to spend twice that amount this time. Or, you can let your child visit his dad. What's he going to do, kidnap him?? Nahh.

Of course, you can take him to court for child support. But, you always could have done that. Why didn't you?

excon

ScottGem · Dec 5, 2006, 08:16 AM

I'm afraid your first two responses didn't read your original post well enough. According to what you said you were awarded sole custody in the divorce. It is unlikely that a court will overturn that. But, also according to you, he isn't asking for that, just for visitation rights. A court is likely to grant that unless there are abuse issues, which you say there are.

You also indicate that you made attempts to contact him for child support but his family blocked you.

So, where does that leave you? Your ex can demand anything he wants, but since you were given sole custody, you have control. Even if the divorce agreement provided for visitation, I think you are within your rights to withhold them on the grounds that a) he hasn't fulfilled his child support obligation and b) he has made no attempt to exercise his rights for 11 years.

So his next step is to take you to court to either enforce any visitation rights or establish them. When you go to court you bring up the fact that he is 11 years in arrears on child support and you expect him to pay up. You might even tell him, that if he does take you to court for visitation, you will press for the back child support. That may forestall him taking you to court. If he does pursue visitation and does pay up the support arrears, then you need to show proof of the abuse to forestall unsupervised visits. However, at 16, I think your child is old enough to take care of him/herself. If you can't block the visits, you can make sure the visits are always in public places (malls, parks, etc).

So the bottom line is let him "demand" anything he wants. You don't have to give in to those demands unless a court orders you to. You might even consider getting an order of protection against him. The only way he can get visitation is by getting a court to agree. And I doubt if he can do that without paying the arrears of child support.

BIM · Dec 5, 2006, 08:44 AM

Well I have been where you are and still going through it.

Our laws say that if the father has not made contact either with visitation and child support for over 6 months that is abondonment and he has lost all of his rights. Now by what you have said he hasn't paid nor seen your child for 14 years, he has no rights. Now he may want to take you back to court, but I highly doubt he will go through with it.

Also, your child is 16, they can now choose whether they even want to see their father. So your ex can threaten all he wants but if the child doesn't want to see him there is nothing he can do about that.

You need to stay strong and stand your ground, do not give in to this sperm donor.

Yes, as others have said---you made your choice to marry him blah, blah---but he has also made his for the past 14 years.

ScottGem · Dec 5, 2006, 08:49 AM

Originally Posted by BIM

Our laws say that if the father has not made contact either with visitation and child support for over 6 months that is abondonment and he has lost all of his rights..

Can you be specific about what laws you refer to? Where, statutes etc. I'm not sure that a father ever fully gives up their rights unless they specficially sign them away.

Originally Posted by BIM

Also, your child is 16, they can now choose whether or not they even want to see their father. So your ex can threaten all he wants but if the child doesn't want to see him there is nothing he can do about that.

You need to stay strong and stand your ground, do not give in to this sperm donor.

Yes, the child should be consulted and involved in any decisions made on this.

As I said, standing ones ground is the position that should be taken. Make him take the issue to court.

BIM · Dec 5, 2006, 09:23 AM

Originally Posted by ScottGem

Can you be specific about what laws you refer to? Where, statutes etc.? I'm not sure that a father ever fully gives up their rights unless they specficially sign them away.

I do not know the statute, but this is what I was told by my attorney. :confused:

ScottGem · Dec 5, 2006, 10:27 AM

This may be law in your state or locality, but I don't think its universal. It may not even be law, but precedent. One of the things that makes me feel that way is the short term. Six months seems way too short a time to consider as abandonment.

priscilla2007 · Dec 5, 2006, 06:25 PM

Originally Posted by HeatherT2870

After not hearing from my ex for 11 years...suddenly he says that he has rights and wants visitation. We divorced 12 years ago, and I was awarded sole custody, and also filed for child support. He has never paid a dime, the phone number that I had for him was disconnected and the only people that I had contact info for in his family refused to help us to find him. Suddenly he has resurfaced after finding our sixteen year old child on the internet. My child hasn't seen him in 14 years and he is demanding that he should have UNSUPERVISED :mad: visits. We divorced due to his drinking and some physical/sexual abuse issues. Is there any way that he can NOW force me to allow him visitation?? What do you suggest. I am terrified that he has resurfaced.

No you shouldn't allow him visitation now he wants to come around you did everything right on your behalf I don't understand these men.

ScottGem · Dec 5, 2006, 07:53 PM

Originally Posted by priscilla2007

no u shouldnt allow him visitation now he wants to come around you did everything right on your behalf i dont understand these men.

I agree that she shouldn't allow him visitation, but she might not have the choice if the court orders it.

jrussole · Dec 27, 2006, 02:58 PM

Heather, I doubt your deadbeat will suddenly grow a backbone to enforce his rights to see his child. Also, have you asked your child what his wishes are? He may want to meet him, even just once. He may even punch the scum for abandoning him. Or embrace him. But usually, the spineless people in this world do not suddenly grow one. Some do. Some have epiphanies and realize the importance of emotionally and financially supporting their children. And find themselves in regret. But most don't simply grow a spine one day. Your child is old enough to tell you what his wishes are. I am sure he has probably thought a great deal about the topic. I would respect and honor those wishes in spite of your own. But still protect your child and request supervision of visitation. Whether court ordered or not. He is still a spineless deadbeat scum. And needs to prove himself worthy of access. I am sure you will get your questions answered just by asking your child what is best for him. And proceed accordingly. It may prove to be healing to your child. That the deadbeat really does care, for example. Or it may give the deadbeat an epiphany of what he's been missing out on? Bring him to tears for being a deadbeat spineless scum all of those years! And then again, maybe not. Either way, it is your child that will now or someday be faced with this decision to either accept him for what and who he is or not. But again, if he never had a spine, I doubt he will grow one. Especially, if his pockets are threatened to be emptied.

s_cianci · Dec 29, 2006, 11:06 AM

He can go to court a file to have an order of visitation issued. What he'll actually get is a different issue and ultimately up to the judge. If he does take you to court be sure to share all of your concerns with the judge. Since your daughter is 16 her feelings will be given a lot of weight. Also, since it's been 11 years since you've last seen or heard from him, he may try to convince the judge that he's changed (regarding the abuse issues that split you up.)

jrussole · Dec 31, 2006, 06:07 AM

s_cianci! Very Excellent advice! I wished to give you a greenie! But can't! So I wanted to rep you!

He'll probably not even go as far as court! So don't worry tonight! Once an intimidator, usually always an intimidator. People don't usually change that much! Enjoy the New Year in spite of him!