[sher83]

Hi!

I had not idea of putting my question here. But I read some answers and now I am going to do it.

Here it goes, I am a male, 27. I've always imagined a perfect life, (how much I got it is another question) and so I've imagined perfect love. And I had kind of 'feeling' I will get it, right from my teen age. I always thought I will get the love I am imagining, and many things in me got affected by it. Specifically, if inspired me a lot. I was such a purist that I wanted to remain (for the lack of a better word) 'untouched' until I get my love, so I stayed away from relationships, or maybe it was my shyness, I don't know.

But time went on, and nothing 'happened'. Now need, and desperation, is increasing, I am losing faith. Was it all my own feeling? Ain't I ever going to get it? I trust, and understand my destiny. So I think waiting may get me a perfect soulmate.

Where I live, mostly parents arrange marriages, though children have right to say yes or no, but parents are involved. Marriages where children choose their partner are also there, and my parents are free so that won't be the issue. Plus, you have somewhat free environment when you are young, for friendship and all. But I haven't been doing it much. Whenever it happened, it happened oddly.

The question is, what to do now? It seems stupid, but for some time I denied my parents to look for my marriage, so as to give my 'future love' time to come. I always thought I wasn't ready, I wasn't good enough. Getting to meet my life partner late is in my destiny! (Hope you are not laughing)

Now comes another twist. A girl loves me. She's my student (see, again some oddity). She used to mail me and then we used to chat. Once she told me her password for no reason and I read some 'draft' mails she didn't sent me. Before in past she had told me that she's writing things but not telling me, and I think this made me curious. Now she got to know that I had read those drafts. She got hurt. I've lost much of self-esteem. I never make mistakes like this, I never betray people. But this just happened.

I don't want to break her heart. But I don't love her. I don't like her that much too. But still I am attracted to her. There's very good understanding between us, we are like best friends. But she doesn't fit in the picture I've always had. Her and mine overall 'level' (hate writing this way) don't match. But living whole life knowing that I've got this life by crushing someone's heart seems impossible. And making a compromise for whole life seems strange too. Though this gives a quick solution to my desperation. I am entirely confused.

Any suggestions, analysis, scolding, welcomed. And sorry for so long post.

[Cat1864]

First, on the subject of the girl. If she is a student and you are her teacher/instructor, then it would not be a good idea to have a relationship with her. Many young girls/women develop crushes on their teachers mainly because the teacher is there and not really available. Unfortunately, it can seem like the love of a lifetime to them while they are going through it. You aren't responsible for anything other than inadvertently encouraging her fantasy. Be honest about people in positions of authority should not have relationships with those they have authority over. Then distance yourself from being in personal contact with her.

Next, you have to be open to looking to find a mate or partner. It sounds like you have been stumbling around with a blindfold on waiting for the right person to take you by the hand and remove it. Life and love doesn't work out well that way. Do you do any dating at all? Do you trust your parents' judgment when it comes to choosing women to introduce you to as possibilities? Would you be willing to meet some women and see if any of them are what you have been waiting for? Keep in mind that love doesn't happen immediately. It usually takes time and getting to know someone as a person instead of a concept before you really know what you feel. Don't try to compare them to a fantasy. Get to know them as the individuals they are.

Third, you have to be open to love before it can find you. Dreams are wonderful things and can give you ideas, however, in Reality, you have to do some work to find the person who fits well with you.

[talaniman]

A girl loves me. She's my student (see, again some oddity).

Not odd at all but crossing the lines of good behavior with an impressionable young female is unacceptable.

As for your fantasy about love, and romance, we all have those, and nothing wrong with that... as long as you deal in reality, when it comes to people, places, and things.

For instance if you had a happy social life that you enjoyed, then you wouldn't have time to be worried about crushing the feelings of a student, you let get to close.

I think you loosen up, and enjoy what you have worked for while you wait for that soul mate to appear. I wouldn't be looking frankly, as there has to be many options, and opportunities for love, romance, and friendship, right under your nose, so waiting for someone with a neon sign on her forehead is not practical, because you never know about anything unless you pay attention, and take a deeper look.

Talaniman Rule - Date them all, short, fat, skinny, or tall. 18- 80, blind cripple or crazy.

[sher83]

First, on the subject of the girl. If she is a student and you are her teacher/instructor, then it would not be a good idea to have a relationship with her....

I think I should clarify one thing here. She is a student, but she's is of my age. Plus, it's different than regular schooling as she's pursuing a professional training program on Web Design, in my own institute.

You are right about student-teacher relationship. During her initial mails, I thought of her as a special, little more sensitive student only, as subject of her discussion used to be academics, methods etc. only.

But I think maybe my desperation made me allow her in, penetrate the lines I had defined myself and followed during three years of my career.

You all other advices are perfect. I've figured out some of them myself. But love happens to some people, doesn't it? Then why not me? Or this means I am misinterpreting my dream/desire as a foresight or something. But this thought has rooted so deep, I hope I'll be able to understand.

And parents only suggest and arrange, its children who decide, meetings, dates etc. are there.

[sher83]

Not odd at all but crossing the lines of good behavior with an impressionable young female is unacceptable.

As I said in another answer, she is a student, but she's is of my age. Plus, it's different than regular schooling as she's pursuing a professional training program on Web Design, in my own institute. And I do maintain student/teacher relationship but this is the only exception.

Again, your answer matches with Cat1864's and it is as practical and true. But I still don't think I am able to let go of stuff. My entire attitude has become weak, this is affecting my professional work, sometimes I so much want to be in a relationship that I feel I am losing a lot.

You are right, if only I had a normal social life, things would have been different.

But does this mean, that crushing someone's feelings is okay? Because if she comes to me and tells she loves me, I don't know what will I do. I won't be able to deny to her.

[I wish]

Regardless of whether she's your student or not, you've already said that she's not exactly your type. So there's no reason to force yourself to pursue something further, since you make it sound like it's going to end anyway. If it doesn't flow naturally, then don't push it.

As for your personal problem, I strongly suggest that you loosen up. You're being too hard on yourself. You can't expect to be the perfect person and find a perfect match.

We all have faults. The important part is to find someone whom you accept their faults and that do yours. Relationships aren't perfect stories, they take hard work.

If you keep walking around with a checklist surveying every girl you meet, you're not going to enjoy life very much. Let her heart do the talking, not the checklist.

[hungtoronto]

But does this mean, that crushing someone's feelings is okay? Because if she comes to me and tells she loves me, I don't know what will I do. I won't be able to deny to her.

I think you are afraid that your desperation will lead you to go out with her and end up hurting her.

If that's what you are afraid of then I suggest you cut contact with her. Or try to minimize contact with her if you can.

What everyone is suggesting is that you loosen up but I know never been in a relationship and afraid that you can't end the relationship if it doesn't work out. Or afraid you get hurt or hurt the other.

Samuel Butler once said, It is better to have loved and lost than never to have lost at all.

But time went on, and nothing 'happened'. Now need, and desperation, is increasing, I am losing faith. Was it all my own feeling? Ain't I ever gonna get it? I trust, and understand my destiny. So I think waiting may get me a perfect soulmate.

Sitting at home and wait will not get you your perfect soul mate. You got to get out there and go on dates. Don't be afraid. Like Tal said, "Date them all, short, fat, skinny, or tall. 18- 80, blind cripple or crazy." and don't afraid that you screw up the first few tries.

[Cat1864]

But I think maybe my desperation made me allow her in, penetrate the lines I had defined myself and followed during three years of my career.

You all other advices are perfect. I've figured out some of them myself. But love happens to some people, doesn't it? Then why not me? Or this means I am misinterpreting my dream/desire as a foresight or something. But this thought has rooted so deep, I hope I'll be able to understand.

And parents only suggest and arrange, its children who decide, meetings, dates etc. are there.

One thing I will say again, you are not responsible for her feelings. If she gets hurt because she fell in love with someone who doesn't share how she feels, then she will need to work through the pain and learn to heal.

As much as you are afraid of hurting her, I think you are afraid of being hurt. Unfortunately, we take the chance of being hurt when we allow ourselves to care.

One thing about dreams that often gets overlooked by the dreamer is it takes work to make them come true. Someone can dream about becoming a web designer, but if he/she does nothing to learn web design then he/she won't ever realize that dream. As has been said, to realize the dream of finding a 'soulmate', you have to do the work of meeting women and getting to know them and yourself.

As you try dating, you will learn what you really want in a partner (someone who will work with you to make the dream closer to reality).
You might find that your dream has changed some as you date different people.

Is there someone you would like to get to know better even if she isn't what you currently think of as a 'soulmate'? Someone you could ask out as a friend. Maybe just to get coffee or lunch. Maybe with a group of friends.

[sher83]

A recent chat with the girl (she was still hurt by me reading her not sent draft mails to me) she kept on asking what I read in them, so I had to tell her that I've read that your emotions to me are more than mere friendship. She tried to explain that is true, but she always knew she can't and so she don't expect anything more from me.

She said I've been avoiding certain talk, and my behavior with her kept on changing. Which is true, as sometimes I used to be free with her, sometime I restricted too much. Because I was scared she will get into me too much. But I never tried a straight talk with her. This increased my confusion and doubt, which finally ended up in me sniffing into her personal drafts.

She said she never shown me her feelings to me because she knew I would not understand. So I think sometimes she said certain things that I interpreted as signs of love to me. She says her feelings are like love and care, but they are beyond commitment of marriage. She does not expect any such thing from me.

So finally, I was able to ask her and clarify what I should've been able to do long ago. But I simply could not do it. I kept running from it, which made me and her confused, doubtful and hurt. One question I have is do you people think she's lying or hiding, though it doesn't matter, but does it look like she may have certain feelings but she is hiding them?

I've learnt a lot from this entire issue. And for my own problem, advices of all you people has helped out a lot. The talk with her today has lightened me up and now I've deicded to remove the entire idea of relationship from my mind, concentrate in my work, and then be open to anyone who may come in my life.

I've realized that destiny plays its role, but its me who is responsible for my life, my attitude and my happiness.

Thank you very much to you all.

[Jake2008]

You have to grow up and smell the coffee here.

If the only serious relationship you've ever had is a non-relationship with a student, it is time to put the dreams of a perfect, made in heaven love connection in a file cabinet somewhere, and start working on yourself.

You have had many years being in this comfortable wait and see game, living on hope and promise that some girl will ride into your life on a white horse and whisk you away off into the sunset on a golden beach with bluebirds singing and whales jumping up and down in the ocean.

*slap! Slap!*... it isn't going to happen.

What this alternate reality has created for you is a safe place to hide from the world. In that exclusive world, you don't need to go through the work of socializing, communicating, doing things outside your comfort zone, and learning about yourself, and others (particularly women) in the process. Without growing up essentially, you have avoided all the disappointments and pitfalls of live, which at this point in time, should have prepared you know better what you want in a partner, and how to nurture a relationship with one.

Get out there! Life is passing you by! Join some clubs, volunteer, learn to dance, join a bike club. Get a dog and go to a dog park, learn how to invest your time in opportunities that will open up a world full of people, maybe even one that rides a white horse!

You have to start somewhere. Let the student go. I can see where you would be flattered with the attention, and attentive to her feelings, but seriously- if there is no attraction, focus that energy on getting to the sporting store, buy some sneakers and go jogging.

Life is so very precious, and we have such a short time at getting it right, many of us never do. But, you have to try.

Start living, from today- get off your butt, shut off the computer, and get out there!

[sher83]

After reading everyone's views here, I feel very guilty about my relationship with the student. Adding to this the guilt of temptation to read her personal drafts.
Is it very odd and bad? (Pl. remember that she's like a trainee, and of my age)

I agree to the common view that I should open up and be free.
Specifically thanks to Jake2008 for nearly putting things so clearly.

When I started doing it, it felt very good. Like now I am open to entie world, rather than being constantly focused on my dream love. I felt very good, it affected my overall attitude and enthusiasm. I felt everything is going to be different now.

But soon, I was feeling I was not like this. Like I was missing something. The thought of imaginary 'her' is rooted so deep that it makes me believe that it must be true. It is in there for so long, from the beginning, it is like a foresight. I cannot leave it entirely.

I analyzed that no one here has told me to leave the thought entirely. But I should be open to the world. Love can come in any form. And I should be there to greet it. Somehow I am supposed to blend these two thoughts.

I am trying it, but the powerful wind of freeness I had found is now gone. I feel that everything is again as it was. I think now I will wait, keeping everything in my mind, and with time whatever is true will come out of me.

[Jake2008]

It is good that you are spending time thinking about what you want out of this life, and a big high-five to you for that. But, don't stop.

We all have our ideal fantasy about the 'one and only', or the 'soul mate' etc. but the truth is, we all compromise. We change and grow, needs and wants alter to fit a more realistic expectation of a partner.

Your dream may never come true, but, you may find true love and more happiness than you've ever known, and a partner who has qualities that match or exceed your own. After 33, almost 34 years with my husband, we still laugh at something everyday, and I never take him for granted. But, he has had his dink moments over the years too.

Keep on the path of thinking realistic goals, mutual compatibility, and that special place in your heart where love can grow with another person.

Maybe the plus side of the student, is that she has been an unwitting catalyst for change, in you.