[wizzlet]

I have been with my boyfriend for about a year and a half and we're both in our late twenties. We have a very loyal, loving and affectionate relationship, but like any relationship we have problems and there comes a time when they bubble over and everything needs to be re-evaluated. I am mainly concerned about whether I am fighting a losing battle.

We talked on the phone for two months before he'd be moving back to the city where we're both from and currently live. When we first started dating he was 'staying' with a mutual friend that lived near me, but spending every night at my house, not working, drinking heavily and partying. It felt so great to be with him and let myself fall in love amidst the chaos of my work life, despite the caution I would have proceeded with otherwise given all the warning signs. After about two months I told him I was ending it because of this terrible behavior. Without skipping a beat, a job suddenly appeared for him quickly followed by improvements to his appearance, then gifts, better sex and (yay!) money for rent every month.

He has since been 100% awesome and a great person, boyfriend, friend, lover, etc... but he still battled(s) with his drinking problem. I asked him to move out about 6 months ago after a few alcohol-related incidents. There was no argument. We didn't break up over it and he got a place of his own and has seemed happier and more independent than ever and is totally thriving. However, recently there's been a noticeable disinterest in sex from him, now only happening once a week or once every two weeks. I am still pretty hot for him, so it's a bummer.

I'm realizing that over time, I exist as an entirely separate entity than the rest of his life. He will spend up to 4 nights a week at my house wanting to cuddle and snuggle, but never invite me to his house on the nights that he wants to go stay there. I have been to the place once, and I invited myself.

We got into an argument today (we don't argue much, and never angrily) after I said something that triggered him to virtually outpour all of this pent up resentment he has apparently been bottling up. He accused me of being disinterested in everything he says and does, unsupportive and not encouraging, angry and condescending when I speak to him, and saying I was like talking to a wall when speaks to me, adding that we have nothing in common and that spending time with me is utterly boring so we never do anything together but go out to the occasional dinner, then topped it off with insulting the nicknames we call each other. Oh, and that I'm a workaholic. (HE WAS NOT DRUNK OR HUNGOVER DURING THIS AND I VERY RARELY SEE HIM UNDER THE INFLUENCE)

I'm pretty hurt needless to say, and asked him to explain what had possibly led him to basically think I was a piece of . He apologized for blowing up at me and said things have changed with him but he didn't mean what he said. I asked him if he'd met someone else that he thinks will make him happier and he thoroughly denies it. I hope that's the truth but people always lie about cheating in particular as if finding out the hard way is somehow better?

I'm not confused about any of it, but I realize there are two possible options for the future of our relationship after we talk. One, is that it's time to breakup, which will hurt, but I'm not about to hang on to a guy that doesn't want to be in a relationship with me, especially if he thinks all of those terrible things after everything. Option two, is that we work on our relationship and use all of these negatives to make what we have stronger by expressing what's bothering us instead of dropping a hate bomb every now and then.

Either way, I am still unsure I even know what I want to do about it. I might let him make the decision since he's feeling so empowered; just so I can have a little more time to gage and validate where all these accusations are actually coming from.

So, does anyone have any sound advice to offer or a different take on the situation?

Regarding his drinking: He stopped for a while and was going to meetings, but couldn't admit to powerlessness. Although the habit is virtually a fraction of what it used to be, he is still inherently alcoholic and the disease remains a progressive one from the onset of the first drink.

He was not drunk when we had this argument and I suspect the last time he was drunk was this past weekend. I fully understand the implications of dating an alcoholic and if that was the sole reason for me to leave... we would have been done long ago. I do not foster or enable his addiction and I also do not use ultimatums between me and alcohol - that is a lose/lose situation. I lose if he chooses alcohol and I lose if he quits drinking for me. He must surrender substance for himself and himself alone. (A 12 step rule of thumb). I draw boundaries where the symptoms and learned behavior of alcoholism begin to affect and interfere with my life. He could navigate those boundaries blind-folded if he had to, so to speak.

We met up and talked tonight and he was apologetic for being so extreme in what he said, but it got my attention enough for him to express wanting to work more on 'spicing up' our relationship (yes, he actually said that). I let him know that there are numerous other ways to let me know he thinks I'm falling short on my job than to tear apart our relationship in a few sentences. Hopefully it's noted.

Simply put, I am not the type of person that wastes time, especially with men; as I have better learned from painful experience. Abandoning someone for falling short of perfect is also bad practice, since I am far from perfect and also have apocalyptic meltdowns like clockwork... coincidentally, about once a month. Funny how that works, right?

However if he continues to revert into himself about his feelings on our relationship or doesn't do his part with trying to spark us up again as per his suggestion; I'll know he said what he had to in order to prolong our relationship until he grows a pair big enough to break it off. In that case, the ceremony will be mine to have.

Thanks for all your suggestions.

[Kitkat22]

Leave.. and spend sometime away from him. Drinking heavily is going to cause more problems.

How often does he drink?

[jaffeyjoeblaze]

To keep a long story short... didnt like a lot of things about my x girlfriend... kept it all inside... drank and would have arguments and let it all out each time saying stupid stuff and then regretting it and saying sorry the next day...

THIS WENT ON FOR 3 YRS! Not to say there were other major problems in the relationship...

Do you and him a favor and end it now... you both will be happy... trust me Im happy and my ex is happy and that's my advice...

[JoeCanada76]

I would say he truly did mean all those things. You might be hurt but sometimes the truth hurts and sounds like that is the way he feels.

Some people bottle everything up and end up exploding. That happens. Some people are not good at sharing their feelings.

If you truly want to continue, I would suggest counseling for you both.

Also sounds like drinking is a concern too and I think he needs help for that as well, as it can trigger out bursts as well.

Communications have not been there, if there is any chance of any of this to work out the communication needs to be open on both sides and a mediator (counselor) is needed in this case.

If he is unwilling to see one then you see one on your own to find out how to approach this situation and also how to deal with somebody that has an addiction.

[Kitkat22]

Drinking brings out the worst in some people and mixed with jealousy and other women, it's a recipe for disaster. Think and put your priorities first. Don't waste anymore of your time.

[Karta666]

Hi,

It's likely that there was some truth in his outburst. If it was free-flowing and came out all at once, he would have to be a very experienced lier to make it up on the fly - besides he was probably trying to tell you how he felt - but in completely the wrong way, unfortunately for you. :(

Was he drunk at the time when this outburst came about?

He will know that what he said has hurt you, this is probably why he has said he didn't mean it. When he says that, it's possible that he means he didn't want to tell you his feelings in such a way that he knew they would hurt you - even if he believes his opinions to be true.

If he was drunk at the time, or recently drunk, or even suffering from withdrawal, this could have altered his normal behaivour and caused the outburst in the way it came out, only you can know that from his normal behaviour.

Going forward, how do you now feel about his opinions? Can you see any truth in them? Also, ask yourself what YOU want, and donlt let the decision rest solely with him... If it is the same as what he wants, then as you say, try and take your experience from this fight and turn it into a lesson - the anti-hate-bomb lesson. If what he has said to you have changed how your perspective on your relationship, then spend a little time and re-evaluate it and go from there. And obviously, if one of you wants out, then it is best to end it.

All the best for you two, I still see lots of hope for you yet - but if you decide to stay together, then I would urge you strongly to ask him to PERMANENTLY sort his drinking, or that WILL cause you problems with him down the line. If he can't deal with his drinking issue, then I'm afraid I would agree with others here and say that you are wasting your time...

But I hope not.

[Kitkat22]

I think you are a strong woman who has already made up your mind about the situation. Don't be his carpet. Leave and get away from him. Drinking or hungover or whatever he has no right to treat you that way.:):)

[wizzlet]

Regarding his drinking: He stopped for a while and was going to meetings, but couldn't admit to powerlessness. Although the habit is virtually a fraction of what it used to be, he is still inherently alcoholic and the disease remains a progressive one from the onset of the first drink.

He was not drunk when we had this argument and I suspect the last time he was drunk was this past weekend. I fully understand the implications of dating an alcoholic and if that was the sole reason for me to leave... we would have been done long ago. I do not foster or enable his addiction and I also do not use ultimatums between me and alcohol - that is a lose/lose situation. I lose if he chooses alcohol and I lose if he quits drinking for me. He must surrender substance for himself and himself alone. (A 12 step rule of thumb). I draw boundaries where of the symptoms and learned behavior of alcoholism begin to affect and interfere with my life. He could navigate those boundaries blind-folded if he had to, so to speak.

We met up and talked tonight and he was apologetic for being so extreme in what he said, but it got my attention enough for him to express wanting to work more on 'spicing up' our relationship (yes, he actually said that). I let him know that there are numerous other ways to let me know he thinks I'm falling short on my job than to tear apart our relationship in a few sentences. Hopefully it's noted.

Simply put, I am not the type of person that wastes time, especially with men; as I have better learned from painful experience. Abandoning someone for falling short of perfect is also bad practice, since I am far from perfect and also have apocalyptic meltdowns like clockwork... coincidentally, about once a month. Funny how that works, right?

However if he continues to revert into himself about his feelings on our relationship or doesn't do his part with trying to spark us up again as per his suggestion; I'll know he said what he had to in order to prolong our relationship until he grows a pair big enough to break it off. In that case, the ceremony will be mine to have.

Thanks for all your suggestions.

[JoeCanada76]

You know what Wizzlet,

The best thing that I heard out of your whole post.

Is that you TWO COMMUNICATED. Communication is the key to working through issues and problems in a relationship.

It sounds like that is what you are doing. I honestly do not think anybody suggested that you leave the relationship??

Anyway, it is good to here and happy that you looked at our suggestions and that your trying to make it work.

Best of luck.

Joe

[Lucky098]

Well, you know what they say! Drunk people tell the truth. He wasn't afraid of your reaction while he told you what was on his chest while drunk, which is why he did it.

Feeling remorse the next day is completely natural for alcoholics. That doesn't necessarily mean he truly is sorry. He's saying that, because somewhere in his brain, he doesn't want to lose you.

You seem like a smart person. Do you really want to waste your life with someone who feels reget towards you? Feels as if you're not enabling him to do better?

Relationships are a two way street. He apparently feels like he's on a one way dirt path.

I think to make the both of you happy, I think you should end this relationship. He's not good for you. He doesn't love you the way you love him. He either doesn't understand how you show affection, or you're not showing him enough. He may be the type of guy that always wants to hold hands and kiss.

This could really go either way. The decision is yours. Good luck

[Jake2008]

He has another girlfriend all right, it's called booze.

While he continuously fights to stay sober, he is battling a foe that he cannot defeat on his own. 12 step programs, or other types of counselling are a must.

Not only would counselling address the alcohol problem, it would address the behaviour that goes along with the alcohol problem.

You can't fight this 'other woman' and win. Even during sober times, without some major commitment to change his life, it is only a matter of time before he drowns himself in a bottle again.

You might do well to research a little on the relationship problems associated with alcohol to give you some idea just how much this plays into the relationship.

[amicon]

He has a serious problem with alcohol and that needs sorting out,as he really can't commit to a relationship until he has.

He has to want to do this,nobody can force him to go to meetings.

It seems the two of you are on different pages.

I would step away and let him sort out his own problems.

[JoeCanada76]

The suggestion was to get counseling. For both of you.

Hope you decide to do that.

[Kitkat22]

The suggestion was to get counseling. For both of you.

Hope you decide to do that.

Please take this advice!

[wizzlet]

I already see a therapist for stress reduction (job-related), and do pretty well with it.

I am going to give him a few weeks to see some turn around action. This is the first real time he's been the one to implement the change, and I don't want to force therapy down his throat. Everyone knows it's like taking a dog to the vet for shots.

[Kitkat22]

I already see a therapist for stress reduction (job-related), and do pretty well with it.

I am going to give him a few weeks to see some turn around action. This is the first real time he's been the one to implement the change, and I don't want to force therapy down his throat. Everyone knows it's like taking a dog to the vet for shots.

Good luck sweetie.. you are in my prayers... Blessings:)