[Kitcub23]

All right I am 22. I am about to gradute college and I am looking for a job as we speak. However, my issue starts eariler than this. As for background... In high school honestly I was an almost perfect kid. Good grades, obeyed curfew (with very few complaints), didn't drink, no drugs, etc. I had a very good relationship with my mom and an open one. Things began to change once I got to college. I was two hours away from home so basically on my own in charge of myself. My first issue was when I first went home. My high school curfew apperently still applied. It was hard to go from no rules to still being treated like I was 17, but I accepted it without too many problems. I got more annoyed when I was 19 and it still applied and even more when I was 20 and nothing changed. She just kept pulling the I am not really an adult etc. Finally when I got to be 21 I stopped letting the curfew thing happen. I still out of respect told her where I was going and what I was doing, but I was sick of it. She doesn't like my boyfriend, even though he has done nothing to give her a reason not to. When she is critical of him I defend him and she gets mad and says I am being hateful. She always calls me hateful now if I disagree with her or if we fight about anything. I am just hateful and my boyfriend is ruining her and my relationship. She doesn't understand that what is ruining it is her being critical of my life and not giving me the freedom I deserve. Now I am about to graduate and am looking for a job. I am going to be a teacher and finding a job isn't exactly easy in this economy so I am applying all over the state. She tells me she doesn't understand why I am looking for a job. She says that instead of that I should just student teach or sub close to home until I can find something closer. It annoys me because I am ready to begin my life. It is that time, but when I say that she just says "I don't know what you are talking about your life is already started." I tell her I mean I want my own life and she just says that I won't want it because it is hard. I am not under the assumption life isn't going to be hard, but I am going to have to face it sometime and everyone else my age is getting married, or pregnant, or finding their own places to live. Why should I be any different? Finally is the fact that I am planning on moving in with my boyfriend when I do get a job. We have been together over two years so it isn't exactly a rush. However, I am dreading telling her this. I feel like the only thing to do at this point is ignore her wishes which makes me feel horrible because she has done so much for me, but I can't also still be her little girl. Is there any way to make her calm down and see me as an adult? To understand that it is time for me to have my own life and that she needs to stop trying to make me feel guilty or nieve for wanting it? She was married, lived with her husband, and had my sister by the time she was 19! All I want is my own life.

[cdad]

Your heading in a million directions and your confused. If you read what you had written you might see why. I can understand wanting to be on your own. But that's not what your planning. Another thing is your setting yourself up for disappointment. Your putting in applications all over the state yet you say you want to settle down. What you might think of doing is make a priority list. See where you want to go and see if that fits. Its painfully obvious that your mom loves you and she is having trouble letting go of "her" girl. You really need to wait until you are settled before you start jumping ahead of yourself. You seem to have your head screwed on straight. So now isn't the time to blow it. And yes your mother is right when she says your boyfriend is ruining the relationship you have with her. That's because your moving from being her girl to a woman. Some parents have a hard time dealing with that. Be thankful that your loved. Now about that priority list. You need to figure out what is first. And the living together thing should be after getting your career started. Just a suggestion. The fights will continue and you need to be strong. But it WILL work out in the long run. She is having a much harder time then you are right now. And your approaching a milestone in your life in graduating (congrats). Just keep on the golden path and the rewards can be many and don't let poor choices on your priority list kill off your dreams. It will all work itself out.

[jcptoots]

Congrats on making it through college, you should be proud. I have a couple of different thoughts on this so here goes.
You mother is clearly having a difficult time letting go. I have a 16 year old daughter and have already cried over her leaving for college in a couple more years. My daughter was just perfect until she hit the tween age. Though she was still a great student and kind to other she started rebelling in small ways. I was shocked and wondered what happened to my baby. She was becoming a more independent thinker. You have been an easy child to raise and your mother probably doesn't know how to act since you are thinking for yourself and you no longer need her for everything.
On the other hand you are now an adult. Does your mother have a husband, other children? She can always have advice but it is not natural for her to totally run your life. I'm sure she sent you to college so you could have a successful career one day and now the time has come and she wants you to limit yourself so that she can have you near her.
When I had been married for about 4 years and had a 2 year old daughter my husband was relocated about 7 hours from home, out of state. I know his mother really hated that he was leaving, and taking her only grandchild, but she knew it was a great opportunity for her son and a big step in his career. She told him that they would miss us a lot but she understood that he had to do what was best for him and his family.
Try having an adult conversation with your mom and be sensitive. Don't argue like a child but respond to her as an adult. There is no point in arguing because you are an adult and don't need her permission.
Just keep in mind that your mother does have more life experiences and may also have some legitimate concerns.

[Kitcub23]

I have an older sister (15 years older) who is married and has a six year old. I also have a younger sister who is 19. My younger sister goes to school closer and goes home every weekend and my older sister lives in the same city as our mom so she has them plus a grandaughter and yes my dad too. Also her dad lives there so she sees him every day.

I have tried to have conversations with her, but having a mature conversation doesn't work with someone who doesn't see you as an equal. She can be condesending. And we both lose our tempers and act immature.

I know I don't need her permission, but that is where the guilt trips come in. If I do things she doesn't agree with she brings up all the things she has done for me and says she wishes I would respect her wishes. And she has done everything in the world for me so it hits home and I feel like crap for going against her.

That's why it is so hard for me. I love my mom more than anyone and I have spent my whole life trying to be good and be successful because I owe that to her after everything she has done for me. However, I am tired of trying to please other people and I want to be able to live my life for me, but I want to do it with her consent instead of having to ignore what she wants and then try to ignore the resulting guilt.

[Jake2008]

It's a bit ironic that your mother has taught you all the valuable lessons you need to be independent, yet, when the graduation from 'mommy's little girl' to full grown woman happened, she wants to go back in time.

I have a son who graduated University and has been teaching in S. Korea, going on a year and a half. It is all I can do not to cry in the phone, but I don't. What I am seeing is the result of raising him well, to be strong and independent, just like your mother did.

I so understand the wavering, and the mixed up thinking that we can have them nearby and also allow them to live their own lives.

What this will take is time. And it will also take you no longer explaining the decisions you make. Of course tell her what you plan to do, but also gently let her know that it is not up for compromise or discussion. Keep it simple, but keep her informed.

It is the same with your boyfriend. At this stage of life you should not be afraid to just tell your mother that you love him, and you plan to move together. Again, keep it simple, and don't discuss it.

This is your life.

It is a very difficult adjustment to make for your mom, and it certainly was for me, but respect works both ways. I never criticize and if he asks for my opinion he gets it, otherwise, I have to leave him to make his own way, and that includes what I see to be imminent mistakes!

She will come around and see you in a different light, and see you as independent from her. Time and patience.

Also congratulations on your graduation, and best of luck in your career.

[Wondergirl]

You're living my life at the same age, only add a minister father and be the first child of four. It's tough. Parents teach their kids to be independent, but when push comes to shove, it's very hard for parents to let their kids BE independent. I had the same problem with curfew at home after I went to college. After much negotiation, my parents allowed me to have the same hours I had in college (a Christian college, but I did have more freedom there than I did at home). When I was looking around for a job, I had the entire U.S. to check out, but ended up near my new husband's home because his mom could not let go of him. (I got married two days after graduation.)

Why not get married? You've been together for two years, and living together first is no guarantee of future marital success. If you two are married, you will work hard not only for the success of your marriage, but also for the success of your jobs and your future.