[Dingo475]

Thanks Synnen. I've tried before, but she's just said, I quote, "it's not that I don't want to do things and have fun with you, I'm just incredibly awkward in social situations". I'll give it another shot.

Jesushelper, I appreciate you trying to offer advice but you never really listened to anything I had to say. What do you think 6 months of talking to each other is if not getting to know each other? I've friends who I've known for a few years and I already feel that she's closer to me than any of them have been. Most days, we talk for several hours a day. Getting to know each other is not the issue; having normal dates like a normal couple would, is.

[JoeCanada76]

I listened to you all right. Did you listen to me?

I was in long distance relationship longer then you and you know what the only way to get to know somebody BETTER IS actually by being with each other. FACT.

As said before, talking, computer connection and etc IS NOT DATING.

Yes, getting to know each other is a MAJOR ISSUE. If you known each other well enough you would know what is going on with her, but you do not.

That is why you are here asking questions.

Having normal dates is what helps to get to know each other. Being out together and spending more quality time together is what will help. The only way for that to truly happen is for one of you to come closer and make a move and get to know each other BETTER.

[Dingo475]

Okay. Thanks. I'm sorry if I came across as rude before. I can imagine that spending quality time doing something together makes you get to know someone better, I think I just took issue with the way you made it sound like we were virtual strangers who just happened to meet up once in a while.

Thanks for your advice, everyone.

[simoneaugie]

She makes sense to me. Both kissing and going out, she's afraid she will fail and be seen as unworthy. She is worried that more will be expected if she gives an inch. Just going for a walk with you doesn't put her into intimidating situations with others around. Kissing you just before you leave eliminates dealing with that type of intimacy throughout your entire visit.

Most people love to go out with friends to a restaurant or the mall. Some of us find such activities exhausting and frightening. If she says she feels weird, she feels weird.

The person who likes to go out, kiss frequently and meet strangers probably finds this girl puzzling. In fact, they'll tell you to make her go out.

If you're going to force her to do something she says makes her feel weird, like going out; then how different is that from tying her up and stimulating her clitoris until she orgasms?

[Dingo475]

You're right. She is slightly socially awkward, as am I. Which is what makes this a little difficult. I've given it a mull over and I've moved past the sexual parts of what's bothering me; I think it honestly does have its roots in not doing many things together. We cook together, we read our favourite books and poems to each other, we watch TV, we play scrabble and chess, we have sex, and we cuddle.

I've tried reassuring her that there's no way that she can fail in my eyes, but I'm just at a loss for what to do. I think I'm going to try talking to her about it the next time I see her, and if that doesn't work, just give her some space and see where she wants to take this relationship.

Also, I don't care that hse doesn't want to go to the restaurant or the mall with friends. I don't either, with my friends, because after a few hours I feel exhausted, mentally. THe thing is, we're both, to each other, the first person whose company doesn't exhaust us. I just want to make the most of that and have memories together of us going out and doing things, rather than being in her house for 5 days.

[jcptoots]

Dingo,
Honey, you are so young and I'd like to give a little advice. You are crazy about this girl and you sound so sweet so I'm pretty sure you are over thinking things. I'm a 39 yr old mom, married to my high school sweetheart. I hesitate to give you advice because you are only a bit older than my oldest child but here goes.
Part of you troubles may be because you come from a very different background than she does. For example, my husband comes from a family where his parents were very open with their affections and joked with each other about sex (in a somewhat tasteful manner.) My family was quite different and my parents dodged the sex talk, always. I, being the youngest of three girls saw my three older sisters have children at 16, 18 and 19. None planned. I was determained that I wouldn't do the same. I had very good parents but they just were not open. Sex seemed mysterious and rather sinful.
I dated my husband through high school and had a long distance relationship with him while he attended college, four hours away. There was no sex because I didn't want to get pregnant too! Goodness knows he tried. Anyway, I'm getting to the point! The first time we had sex was when he was a senior in college. We had become engaged a few months prior and it seemed like the right time. While I was visiting we went for it. After 5 years of anticipation he was so nervous and I was waiting for this fabulous, exciting, earth shattering experience. It was great for him but it stunk for me. Was this what it was all about? It didn't last long and I couldn't understand why he felt super and I was left wondering what the fuss was about. There must be something wrong with me. I was feeling pretty guilty by the time I got back home to my parents and were sure that they, along with everyone else, knew I had done IT. Of course they didn't. After we did a few more times it was still the same. One day while watching TV I saw a talk show about sex. Can't remember which one. Anyway there was an expert who did a demonstration. She crossed her left hand in front of her body and placed it, palm up, under her right elbow (extending the right arm as if you were showing your muscles, hand above elbow.) She brought her right arm down hard into her left hand (hope that makes sense) doing this several times up and down. That is what it feels like to women, especially when dealing with inexperience. Everything excited him. Women take a lot more effort. It was nearly 2 years of marriage before I knew what it should feel like. Wow! It does take practice but it also takes communication. Men don't know what they are doing until someone trains them. Find out what she likes, even if she doesn't know what that is herself. She may feel that something is wrong with her because she doesn't enjoy it like you do. It's not your fault, it's just the way it works. Females are almost always much harder to please.
As far as going out, she may feel like everyone around the two of you will know what you've been doing (wink, wink.) Especially if she is so shy. Make sure she knows that sex isn't why you like her. Be patient and don't pressure. Let us know how you are doing!

[Dingo475]

Thanks a lot! Yeah, I'm going to try and take things slowly and reassure her that this is all only because I feel really strongly about her. I've had a lot of free time recently and just had a look around forums and certain websites and friends' experiences I've just appreciated how different people are when it comes to sex and how they feel about it. I really shouldn't be an idiot and somehow chastise my girlfriend for it. I'm sure it'll be fine with patience.

I want to help her as much as I can to feel less unusual about it. There are so many resources on the web to help women not feel alone or sexually unusual, like that Cherry TV site that I mentioned, and I want to tell her about them but I'm worried she'll think I'm being overbearing and strange.

[JoeCanada76]

Tv, internet or whatever else.

I think it should be you two together discovering things naturally. Every girl and guy are different and it is about exploring each other. The more time you have together physically the more you will learn about each other and it will eventually come naturally.

As the above poster said it took a good two years of being together to get to a certain point of knowing each other sexually..

[CravenMorhead]

I try! She always just insists that she feels odd about it. The most we've done is go for coffee and go for walks. I've mentioned that she'll be able to visit me in the summer, and I live in a much bigger city and we're planning to do a lot of things together.

For some reason, she just doesn't really like a lot of the people she knows, doesn't like the city where she lives, and so doesn't feel like spending a lot of time doing something.

I'm more than happy to go on real dates and have fun. I just wish she was too.

I really, really hate to ask this question. Have you sat down and contemplated your relationship while asking yourself the question: Is she the right person for me?

I think you should ask yourself that before you invest more time into this. The answer could do either way, but only you can answer it.

[Dingo475]

Ha. No, I have. I've almost always decided that she is. I think we both have busy lives, and come summer, I'll be able to know for sure.

It's just that there has been no-one I've met that I can spend so much time with as comfortably as I can with her, but I know I'm only young and that life is, well, life. But as far as right now, yes, I think she's great.

I think part of the sexual issue may be to do with my own self esteem. Throughout my life, I've been rejected for someone else, romantically, sexually, pretty much in every sense. I think I'm just a little, albeit irrationally, worried that she'll eventually break up with me as a result of not being great in bed, and waltz into someone else's arms who just happens to be amazing in the sack. And I know that's something I need to talk to her about, so I will.

Thanks again, everyone. I would be curious to hear more from simone though.

[JudyKayTee]

I have a problem with OP being rude, then apologizing for being rude and then being rude again - and only wanting to hear what he wants to hear.

I'm a female; I dated a lot of guys; there's a reason she won't go out in public with you.

I don't know what it is.

[Dingo475]

Sorry if I came across that way. Fair enough. I know there is a reason, but knowing her as I do, it really is unlikely to be because she's ashamed to be seen with me, if that's what you were implying. But advice is advice, and I will take it on board and ask her about it.

[JudyKayTee]

I'm not saying ashamed - I'm just saying there's a reason.

Whatever that reason may be -

[Dingo475]

Well, I don't know if this will shed that much light on it, but it seems to explain it pretty well:

We had a long talk about it one night. She gets judged, a lot, like most people. The people she knows at her high school judge her as vapid for superficial reasons, and she generally just doesn't find that the effort she puts into socialising with people pays off with much enjoyment. So she kind of.. half-floats through social situations, with most people she knows not really knowing what she's like as a person.

She's just maintained that it would feel strange for her to be as open with me in public as she is with me in private, because she's so used to sheltering herself and what she's really like when she's around in her city (I exaggerate when I say city, it's really a glorified town).

And it's true. The one time we had coffee, surrounded by people, she wasn't very talkative. It was a lot easier when we sat by the river in the town, when there weren't many people to bother us. So I guess it's just the fact that most things that you "do" outside is usually surrounded by people which makes her feel awkward. So I'll try and think of things to do that don't put us in that position.

[jcptoots]

Maybe she is just so insecure that she doesn't like going out... period. She sounds very shy and may be afraid of someone teasing her about having a boyfriend, no matter who he is. Especially if she has grown up with these kids. It can take a long time to get over hurt feelings and kids can be very cruel. I still cringe when I think about running into some of the people I knew in high school. Yikes!

[JudyKayTee]

Okay - I got the part where you are both 18. She's in high school. I don't know about you.

Where are you having sex? She has her own apartment?

Confused -

[Dingo475]

Her house, at the weekends, when her mother visits her boyfriend.

[JudyKayTee]

Let's see - long distance relationship, both virgins, she is reluctant to have sex (or whatever the problem is), when you do have sex it's in her mother's house while her mother is at her boyfriend's house. Whether you are using adequate birth control is anyone's guess.

She doesn't want to be seen in public with you.

I see all sorts of red flags here from the sneaking around aspect and her not wanting to have to answer questions to fears of pregnancy to trust issues with her mother.

Does her mother even know about you?

I think I'm going to join Jesushelper on another thread.

[Dingo475]

Who said she was a virgin? She's not. She's been comfortable with sex in the past. Something's been off recently. We are always protected; she's on the pill and I use extra safe condoms, which you'd have noticed if you read everything I'd posted.

She's not sneaking around; her mother has met me and gets along very well with me. Surely it's understandable that having sex while her mother is in the house is a little awkward? Fears of pregnancy? Trust issues? Please stop jumping to conclusions.

Well, gee, it's nice to be judged. Anyway, thanks for all the advice, everyone.

[CravenMorhead]

She doesn't want to be seen in public with you.

It seems that, if I understand right, she doesn't like going out into public because she will be judged. Why? Who knows. Apparently it happens a lot.

Long distance relationships can work, but seldom do. They've never worked for me, or most people I know. Usually the distance is too great and better more emotionally available options tend to appear. Not saying this is what is going to happen.

Second of all, we are all judged every day of our lives. We walk into our jobs, or to the store, or anywhere in public and we will be judged. Fact of life. If that is the reason that she doesn't want to go out in public with you then is she seeking any help to get over this issue? Does she want to get over this issue?

Also, your relationship seems to be based on hiding. Hiding from society. Hiding from her family. Hiding from your family? Hiding from friends. Step back and look at this from our vantage point. Something is hinky here.

Lastly. She needs to get a better handle on how her body works. If she wants to enjoy sex then she needs to figure out how to enjoy sex. It is something that sucks at first but gets better. Trust me, losing my cherry consisted of sticking it in, having the thought "OMG I am having teh sexss" and then spooging. It took time and attention to connect with my lover.

Give it time, explore. Try some mutual masturbation, try some toys, try to demystify the entire act and connect as lovers.

And for the love of all that is holy, use birth control. You can ignore everything that is said here but this. Before you zap her, wrap your zapper.