[FloridaFisher]

You're right, Tal.. I was stuck in the moment, and I still stand by it being stupid not taking the opportunity.

I know the communications aren't open because she's brick walling me when I try to talk to her, she doesn't respond to messages, she won't stay on the phone more then a few minutes. I don't know what else to do to get her to talk to me, man.

I do plan on showing her. I'm pulling extra hours at work and making phone calls when I'm off all while taking care of my kid, being up 48 hours with 6 hours a sleep every few days. I'm trying to show her, but she doesn't get it takes time.

I want to go to school, unfortunately I have no one I trust fully to watch him and until my mother comes down I cannot go to school or find another job. If I go to court and tell them that I have him babysat by a stranger or non-family member most of the time he's here and she says her mom watches him while she works and school, I'm going to only get visitations. I'm terrified to do anything man. I'm literally trapped and out of options other then my current job for the next few months.

I know I stooped low, but I did deserve some sort of answer.. When I tried and tried to talk to her or get an answer she would get mad at me. When I asked what was wrong I was given a short summary that pretty much said she was tired of it. OF WHAT? How do you repair that vehicle when you don't know where the problem lies? Sure, it lies in the vehicle somewhere, but I can change thousands of pieces and parts on it before nailing it.

I'm giving her the space, and I plan to work my butt off to show these two that I meant what I said about doing anything for them. And if I can't get it no matter how hard I try.. I'll do what I have to. I am the provider- I am the protector of this family! I will work, school, move, win, lose, die, kill, steal, manipulate, stoop, lose pride, burn bridges, and build networks to ensure my family the best, Tal. When all else fails I have to move onto the next thing until I've fixed it.

Yes, she's lost her confidence and pride in and for me. I plan to re-establish that. She's lost the ability to feel secure enough to tell me things and talk to me. I will accept my hurt feelings to open the door of communication between us.

She's hurt, Tal. I did that. I don't know what to do to fix these things. She also mentioned stuff I said in the heat of the moment when she finally walked on me a lot too much. I meant none of it. It was just a way of trying to hurt her back. Is that something I can just tell her?

Other then fix the problems she mentioned, what else do I do? I can fix the money, the vehicle, the house, and work on my personal idiotic antics and stupidity, but what do I do about her other then space? Do I need to talk to her about non-relationship things so she can slowly feel it's OK to open up to me?

I can't open up communications if she's pissed when I talk about the relationship.

Thanks, Tal... I need to be punched really. I'm just running out of any sanity left. A friend ordered a pizza for me because he knew I hadn't left the house and all I had was baby food when he came over. I just don't know about things anymore man. Without this I'd be empty of confidence.

How do I sell her on the idea of me changing when she's not around to see it?

[the_original]

You're right, Tal.. I was stuck in the moment, and I still stand by it being stupid not taking the opportunity.

I know the communications aren't open because she's brick walling me when I try to talk to her, she doesn't respond to messages, she won't stay on the phone more then a few minutes. I don't know what else to do to get her to talk to me, man.

I do plan on showing her. I'm pulling extra hours at work and making phone calls when I'm off all while taking care of my kid, being up 48 hours with 6 hours a sleep every few days. I'm trying to show her, but she doesn't get it takes time.

I want to go to school, unfortunately I have no one I trust fully to watch him and until my mother comes down I cannot go to school or find another job. If I go to court and tell them that I have him babysat by a stranger or non-family member most of the time he's here and she says her mom watches him while she works and school, I'm going to only get visitations. I'm terrified to do anything man. I'm literally trapped and out of options other then my current job for the next few months.

I know I stooped low, but I did deserve some sort of answer.. When I tried and tried to talk to her or get an answer she would get mad at me. When I asked what was wrong I was given a short summary that pretty much said she was tired of it. OF WHAT? How do you repair that vehicle when you don't know where the problem lies? Sure, it lies in the vehicle somewhere, but I can change thousands of pieces and parts on it before nailing it.

I'm giving her the space, and I plan to work my butt off to show these two that I meant what I said about doing anything for them. And if I can't get it no matter how hard I try.. I'll do what I have to. I am the provider- I am the protector of this family! I will work, school, move, win, lose, die, kill, steal, manipulate, stoop, lose pride, burn bridges, and build networks to ensure my family the best, Tal. When all else fails I have to move onto the next thing until I've fixed it.

Yes, she's lost her confidence and pride in and for me. I plan to re-establish that. She's lost the ability to feel secure enough to tell me things and talk to me. I will accept my hurt feelings to open the door of communication between us.

She's hurt, Tal. I did that. I don't know what to do to fix these things. She also mentioned stuff I said in the heat of the moment when she finally walked on me a lot too much. I meant none of it. It was just a way of trying to hurt her back. Is that something I can just tell her?

Other then fix the problems she mentioned, what else do I do? I can fix the money, the vehicle, the house, and work on my personal idiotic antics and stupidity, but what do I do about her other then space? Do I need to talk to her about non-relationship things so she can slowly feel it's ok to open up to me?

I can't open up communications if she's pissed when I talk about the relationship.

Thanks, Tal... I need to be punched really. I'm just running out of any sanity left. A friend ordered a pizza for me because he knew I hadn't left the house and all I had was baby food when he came over. I just don't know about things anymore man. Without this I'd be empty of confidence.

How do I sell her on the idea of me changing when she's not around to see it?

I'm not tal but I feel the need to comment anyway...

You need to see through the fact that this change shouldn't be about her man! You need to change for yourself, and make your own life better and be happy with you and your son. And trust me dude, it's a small world. If your out there doing things, making connections and most of all being happy, she, and a lot of other females will take notice. The news will spread... but do it for yourself right now man. When you feel that change in you, and you know your happy, and IF you still want her back-I would say that's when you pursue. She may not see the changes at first, but I guarantee she hears about them, and maybe that piques her curiousity, maybe not. But I cannot stress enough, that right now you just need to do what you said, let go, stick to NC, and improve your situation.

Don't talk about anything with her right now except custody. Don't try and open up any friend zone lines of communication... she has made it clear she's not up for conversation right now, so just respect that.

It's nice to hear that your working long hours, but sleep is important. Sleep and eating are two very important things for you right now. Without enough of either, your mood will be crappy all the time and the feelings of depression will be much harder to get rid of.

The conversation happened, its in the past, you have your answers. Now stick to your plan, and to as little contact as possible, for your own sanity please!

[talaniman]

Get on this computer and Google online degrees and research the subject. Waiting for months to do something for yourself is ridicules. Start now getting confidence in yourself through actions, and a little work. And get some freakin' food in your house why don'tcha!!

I realize your great at ranting and venting, but at some point, its about doing and accomplishing. Baby steps gets you started. So take a baby step, and use the computer for something other than b1tching about a female who is sick of your sh1t.

Tell me what you find. I am going to show you how to "fix your car", without tearing the whole thing to pieces.

[FloridaFisher]

Working on finding a career. I have been looking this whole time just not really hard core. I don't know what I want to do with my life.

She's hell bent on dating because apparently if "he makes mistakes then I should be able to make a mistake".. later stating "i don't think it's a mistake".. Yeah.. She's just having fun hoeing it up. It's pretty sad that she feels she needs all of that attention. Mine was a real mistake.. stupid but accidental.. She's going out of her way to make one.. Slowly losing attraction towards her already.

Even if she grew up down the line, I'm not sure I could take her back after sidelining me to sleep around. She obviously never gave a damn about me. Hurts to know that that which I love with half my heart doesn't give a damn about me anymore. Pretty sure I could drop off the face of the planet or die in a horrible accident and she wouldn't flinch.

I still say she's confused. She's talking about dating, yet she does nothing but talk on the internet to a gay guy and bunch of h*rny game geeks. She doesn't have the first clue about dating as an adult. I guess that's my fault really. Unfortunately.

I'm going to keep building as if she were to return.. It keeps me confident. I'm mainly building for my son now, he's very much worth it!

I just want to know that one day when I wake up I'll have that special someone to share my mornings with who actually loves me. I fear being lied to again. I invested my all into her and got punched in the heart for it. This is just going to cause me serious trust and insecurity issues later. If the woman I love and want to marry hates me, then what kind of life do I have to look forward to?

I've apparently lived a lie (still don't believe she knows what she's talking about) for the past almost 2 years. How do you recover from that, seriously? To wake up one day and find out that all that you love is gone or half gone.. That all the "i love yous" and kisses and making love meant nothing. This makes me tear up just typing it. The always and forevers, the writing each other fun and loving notes, the walks and memories you thought were special. It's all gone.

I was right, people are still trying to talk her out of it.. daily.. The guys on her stupid internet chat crap. I guess if she's weak enough in feelings for me to be talked out of it then I don't know if there was anything (which contradicts everything).

I'm trying to take this newly given info into thought, but I'm trying to not over analyze her actual words. I've been analyzing my feelings of emptiness and aloneness. Not sure where I stand right now.

Yeah, I'm a great complainer and b*tcher. Don't know why I've turned into this crappy pity party guy. I used to shrug stuff like this off and continue my day.

I finally got my insurance quote and can happily say that everything will be handled on my end come Sunday or Monday. I hope everything's good on the other end. I have to get the details worked out with this friend of a friend guy lol.

Can you really earn a REAL degree online? I've been looking at the local tech schools and community colleges.. Not too much to go by. I'm confused by a lot of this crap lol.. I suppose if I can't get past the website I'm not going to fair well in the class lol.. Still not the slightest clue what I'm allowed to do and what I want to do.

Eating a little better now and although I've been up 24 hours already I've slept a little better. I just want out of this life with all of these fake a$$ memories we had. That's a good part of my motivation. However, life's ability to make ever crap situation crappier has left me stranded for months lol.

Studying for my GED.. So boring lol..

[talaniman]

Get that GED, and get some VOCATIONAL training, and at least have a skill to get a good job with. Baby steps work wonders.

[FloridaFisher]

I'll do my best to kick my own a$$ time to time and put myself back in check.

Trying to get her out of my head is an entirely different thing. I can barely get through a song/show without her popping in my head to ensure I keep hurting. I check every day to see if she's written me or called. Never happens. I see she's really done with me and it hurts how quick it happened. I know she had it in her head before, but to me it appears fresh and out of no where and quick. I just want the haunting to quit on my end. Can't believe how stupid I am in still loving this girl.

[talaniman]

The problem is you have enough on your own plate without her.

You started by saying that your past was biting you in the butt, and it is, but that GED is what can make the changes you want, at least that is a first step you focus on. Not getting your baby momma back. I will be honest guy, you better focus, and give this 100% and tell your heart to shut the "F" up, as your son would have little chance with an unemployable father.

You have ranted on her for long enough, and fail to see how important those changes you can make are. I have counseled many who are in your shoes, and I find the ones that WANT to make something of themselves, are the ones that do.

Granted it's a slow process, and its damn hard, so how bad do you want it for yourself. For now That's your priority, not getting her back. Not anticipating she will change her mind

Not hoping for a family again

Not trying to get in her head

Not figuring new ways to con her feelings.

Doing the real deal, and contrary to popular belief 2/3 weeks tops is what it takes to pass a GED test. So how ready are you??

[FloridaFisher]

All but the math I can ace. I test well.. college scores out of the 8th grade.

I've come to see what you mean! I'm finally on the downward part of the hill.

I've lost respect and feelings for her since all of this and when I spoke to her before and she said hurtful things.. I was surprised when I opened my eyes and I was still alive and my heart still beat.

I've never cared about myself much- still don't. The job, the car, the place, the repairs, the money, etc.. They mean nothing to me. I can get by on so little.. I've moved with a duffel bag of clothes many times in a 5 minute decision when I was single. This is all for HIM. My SON. Nothing else matters. This was for my family, but I've come to realize he IS my family.

I've got my quote, I'm working on this vehicle as we speak. I have high hopes for my future. I was doing way too much planning when I had nothing to plan with. I'm starting with the basic. Work. Then food and so forth. Then insurance, vehicle, gas. Then saving money. Then this GED. Then I start looking for a certification. I like the way welding or mechanics sound. Not for a career, but to make more money and to have something slightly more stable in the mean time.

I've had it all wrong, but I had to wait this time out to clear my head.

When I spoke to her not only did I lose some feelings and respect, but again I saw I was OK and could laugh at the situation even. I also was flirting with an old girl friend of mine (not that kind of girlfriend) and I felt this sudden release of tension. I felt a bit more clear headed and it was just that quick. It's that I saw there's more then one girl in the world and if I lose my ex forever.. it's OK still.. I'm proud of myself for not calling her or confronting her. VERY. I still hurt and still love the girl, but I can be OK without her.

It's all about attention with her, and it's sad that she craves attention so bad that she gets it from people who call her "fat" and "ugly". She clearly has her own self worthiness issues and immaturity she needs to overcome on her own. I can't be a part of that and I can't save her from herself. That's her department.

I hadn't been in the sun so long it hurt a little yesterday.. lol.. I got out of the house and spent the day with my son just shopping and cruising around. I loved it. His little smile and his little hugs and kisses (I'm not gay and mushy.. I promise.. ) just make me laugh at the worst of times.

He had this old cell we gave him the other day and tried to be daddy LOL. He held it to his head and was walking around talking in it and then time to time he did his fake laugh and smile then continued talking. Rofl! Mind you he's only almost a year and a half. Smart kid! Then I gave him a bath the other day and couldn't find him shortly there after. I FREAKED out and searched and searched only to hear banging on the wall. I was like " is that?". He stole the WHOLE big jar of peanut butter, got the lid off, and was hiding in the pantry eating it. Lmao. I had to stop my emo moment to just die laughing. Then I had to bathe him again : /

I'm doing so much better now though. I just have better things to do. My son needs a dad and his big buddy back. I need to get the HELL out of this place. Lol.

My cards and even most of her were always mine to play. I've realized this now! And, the most satisfying part is knowing I can play these cards, but showing the self restraint and letting her dig her own holes and deal with them. Also, I can now play my cards and get my act together whenever I so choose in anyway I choose. I love it.

I really want to say thanks to all those who've watched me punch myself in the scrote over and over and still kept giving me advice. I would have given up on my stubborn a$$ lol. We need to hold a AMHD party. Seriously. Lol.. and AMHD should be a physical location.. Need a business store front lol. Come in, get emo, get slapped, get better, fall on your face like a tool, get picked back up and slapped again, and then get over it and on with your life. That's the motto. Lol..

I'll be spending more and more time taking my baby steps back into the world. Less time talking about it. Yeah right.. who am I kidding? If I'm not ranting and venting, I'm bragging and rambling. : p

[the_original]

Bragging and rambling is much better than venting at this stage... and now you do have some stuff to brag about. Congratulations! See how good it feels when you just say "f it" and get on with your life?

"I still love the girl, but ill be ok without her"-this is what I would call the turning point. You have realized that yes it hurts and yes you love her, but life will go on regardless. Im glad you have learned you can be OK without her... and your right, let her dig her own holes. Haha I should be taking advice from you now, I have had some severe screw ups lately.

It sounds like your doing all the right things, congratulations. It will just get a bit easier and easier everyday now!

[talaniman]

What, a post about something other than her??

Keep it going guy, that's all you have to do.

[FloridaFisher]

On lunch break.

Kind of going dumb. I've been thinking about her today. Also about how she said her step dad told her I was feeling up girls when I was with her (TOTAL LIE). I'm going to ask her next time she calls exactly what I did that's that unforgivable. All BS aside. If her actions are based on that then this may be salvageable.

We'll find out when she calls tonight to speak with our son..

Kill her with kindness..

[talaniman]

There you go again, plotting, and planning, how to get your way!!

[FloridaFisher]

Told her what I had to say.. and cleared my name.

Really not expecting anything of it.. I'm going to get on with my life for my son, but I'll probably fight for her for a while more.

I'm in a better state of mind to handle this stuff now. I can speak calmly, honestly, rationally, and not breakdown after wards. I'm very much relieved by that fact.

I'm not sure what exactly to do, but I can start a day at a time. Eventually I'll be somewhere, and maybe.. just maybe.. she'll see that I'm honest in what I say about how I'm straightening up my life. It'll always be better with her here, but I can manage without.

I'm just kind of blah more then hurt anymore. The only things that hurt me anymore are these three thoughts I have in my head that reoccur throughout the day. I even have mental videos/images of it. The first one being that one day I'll go to drop off my son and he'll run into the arms of another man. The second is the thought of how many great memories I have missed or that didn't happen because I wasn't there for them before that much. The third is that we'll never have those moments again.

She's not dating she says.. Really not sure what to think here. Not sure my emotions on that one. I guess one day we'll find out.

I'm kind of pissed about her not trying harder to see her son that she's not seen in a month and a half or even call him. She only called tonight because I asked her if she wanted to talk to him tonight and possibly me after. I don't know what kind of mother she's trying to be doing those things.

I'm not going to look into the career thing just yet until I have my life settled down a little bit first..

I'm glad to have such great friends and family in my life and on the net (you guys).. Not sure sometimes if I would be OK without you.. You've helped me push myself into seeing that I'll be OK no matter what.

Just taking it one day at a time.

[FloridaFisher]

Nah, I just didn't want there to be any false reasons to not try.. and specially something that slandered me like that. I've never cheated in my life.. It's just not in me. I will refuse to let some po-dunk hillbilly who drinks and smokes weed and blows his money to slander me. I'd rip that dude to pieces if I didn't have custody to worry about. That's beyond messed up. I don't get why someone would do that to me or anyone. I don't go around messing with other people. I helped him save his relationship. I don't deserve that.

I don't want my way if it's false, Tal. I just don't want the reason we're apart to be false either. She's not close enough to see if I've made changes, so I just caught her up on how we were doing and what we've been up to. She did the same. That's it.

[talaniman]

Just checking, as sometimes we get so caught up in our own situation we make small inconsequential things bigger than they should be (slander by a relative of hers), and that makes the thinking stink even more.

Focus on the things you can control(you) and leave the stuff you can't control(everyone else) alone.

Anger, and frustration make bad decisions, and distracts us from important things we should be paying attention to.

[FloridaFisher]

Trying not to be angry, just sick of all this BS. I didn't do anything that's unforgivable. I'm just not sure what to think anymore. I'm not totally happy, so I'm not going to fake it.

After the call I found myself feeling a bit empty. I'm not sure exactly why. Nothing bad was said and she spoke to me in a normal manner for once. I didn't expect her to say anything or do anything.

So odd though.. While we're becoming who we once were again, I seem to be really attracted to her like I was when we first met.

I'm keeping the no contact thing because I don't want to be in love with someone who doesn't know if they want to love me. I don't believe I broke NC when I cleared those things up. We had to talk over our son anyhow. Plus, I felt I handled our conversation well without blasting into "i love you!"s.

Tal, I know I'm asking you something you have no clue about personally, but in your opinion based on what you know, why these things?
-Why does she tell me to move on then bring it up later when I make a move in that direction?
-Why did she say she wanted to date if she's been single this whole time?

I know it's analyzing things etc. But, I'm really curious and intrigued by the fact that she's acting against everything she's said for no obvious reason. Makes me wonder if I'm being tested or what.

How does one get over insecurities? I had some prior just due to life in general, but I don't want to be insecure about any future relationships (her or otherwise) because that'll just make them all collapse. I want to be a stronger man for all of this, but I'm feeling it may make me weaker in that sense. I'm fixing all the mistakes I can think of that I've made while making more in my head.

Feels good to be caught up on the work and money I was behind on. I really had dug a hole the past 5 weeks. Can't really job hunt until I get my mother down to babysit. I have been asking around to people I know about welding and mechanics. So far everything I find seems to be total crap and a waste of time. I want something good paying, stable, but that allows me enough time to see my kid every day and spend the weekends with him. Any ideas?

My son.. is a BABE magnet! Lol.. I have this thing where I'll see a cute cashier or something and I'll whisper " say hi " and he waves rofl. They come rushing over saying "awww, look how cute!".. "yup.. that's mine!" I reply.. They always seem to laugh. Good ice-breaking skills he has plus it lets me know who likes kids. Lol.. 5 girls in one 4 hour day out he lured in with his smile and waves and talking.. He's a natural flirt all by himself. I'm proud! Unfortunately, he also stops every old couple we come across. Lol..

Other then work and goofing off with my son I feel a void in my life. Even flirting and having fun doesn't fill it. I'm not sure how to take care of this or if it'll ever be filled or not matter. I have a field day with my son, flirt a little, work, get out of the house, etc.. And it's still just kind of there to bring me down. Something's missing : /

[talaniman]

You just seem to let her confuse you and go through so much emotional turmoil trying to get answers to show you a road map to get her back, and you try to hard and get caught up in battles you don't have to fight. A complete waste of time.

You can't just throw something up that looks good on paper and say this is change. Change takes time and work, and a lot of both, and tons of patients.

You don't get exes back by trying to show them change. Often that pushes them further away. If you backed off from that goal, and let her make a decision without your influence, good or bad, you will be in a better position to make positive adjustments for yourself, and present a whole different attitude to your outlook.

People always think they have to work hard to keep what they had, when its much more effective to walk your path and wait for them to keep up with you because they want to.

That's always the problem when we focus on holding tight, and trying to fix every mistake, so we are attractive to the ex, when in reality the way you were when you met was more attractive to them, than now.

You have completely failed to see that you can't fix a couple with just one partner working hard, as it takes two, and it must be entirely voluntary. She must be willing on her own, to work with you for more than the sake of her son, and you have to be willing to let her make a decision about that herself as you do what you have to.

All your energy is on the fixing, and NONE, on the growing, knowing , and understanding that your path should not even involve her participation at all and act on that fact.

Then those small details from her won't confuse you. Then those confusion won't affect your thinking, and actions. Then those thought won't distract you. Then you will get a freaking math tutor, or put in whatever time it takes to be proficient enough to get a GED, so you can take the next step of stability, a good paying job, or a positive, productive career path, then your insecurity will be replaced with confidence, through accomplishment. Then you will be more attractive to others because your attitude has changed from challenged to a happier outlook, because your no longer confused.

Then you would have made changes we all can see. Then you won't care what your ex is thinking and doing, because your busy walking down your own path and will be a good example and mentor for your son. Whether the ex is there to help or not.

Nah, I just didn't want there to be any false reasons to not try.

If you spent as much time working on your math skills as you do worrying about the lies and opinions of a dopey hill billy, you would probably have accomplished your most important goal, getting your GED. How distracting, and wasteful to give him such importance in your life. What others say, no matter what it is, is irrrelevant, when weighed against what you should be, and could be doing.

[FloridaFisher]

Yeah.. Well.. F*** it..

Just done chatting with her.. she's in denial and living in a fake reality and it's really really pissing me off.. She said yesterday she would try to work things out if I proved I wasn't lying about changing. Today she lies and says she doesn't have those feelings. Yeah then why ask ffs, idiot?

I love her and still will for a while, but dude if she's going down the hoe trailer trash path then I'm bouncing.. It hurts a lot already, but she says she doesn't want to get married or love anyone for a good 5-10 years.. Like she really has that kind of power. Man I wish a d*ke would punch her in the face and snap her out of it. EVERYONE but her sees how much she loved and cared. That doesn't stop in a day. Sorry.

Well, it's time to move on and figure out what to do with my life. Can't believe this sh** sometimes. Really. Just. Can't.

She's so messed up in the head lately.. There's only two routes now for her life. She h**s around for a couple years and realizes it's not what she wants and gets back into serious dating. Or, she becomes a complete trailer trash h** and ruins her life and my sons. This could be dangerous for them both.

If she plans to have instability in his life like that should I tell her to skip coming down for the contract for custody and tell her to wait for court? If I get full custody I can move where I have family and job opportunities.

So...

I may get a raise in the near future.. and I am finally almost caught up completely.

Sorry at this random letter.. 3 am and I'm tired as hell

[FloridaFisher]

VENTING.. Sorry..

Breaking down while I write this.. for many reasons..

I understand her needing to grow up, but now she's claiming we never existed as a happy loving couple even though just days prior she said we were the greatest feeling ever. It hurts to hear her deny it.. really bad.

I can handle not being together right now.. It's not being the old couple loving and caring for each other to the end that we always wanted that hurts. It's the fact she's made herself believe we were nothing special.

Everyone else sees it and she used to. I don't get why she denies it. I don't understand what's happened since she went to live with her mom. I just know I hurt so bad by all of this.

I don't get how we loved so hard for 2 and a half years.. only for her to deny it. Is this a phase or what? I have albums after albums of our memories and that show how happy we were and how much was cared for one another. I have a son that's living proof we were willing to not care about others' thoughts and have the son we both always wanted together with each other.

I feel so insane and alone and confused. I don't know who's the messed up one anymore. My life has just fallen apart. My past 2 and a half years has been made to appear like it never existed.

She said just two days ago she would want to try things if I showed her a change. Now what the hell happened in 2 days other then my busting my a$$ for the past 5 weeks trying to show her. I lost weeks of sleep, a significant amount of body weight for my current size, my mind, friends, and family all in the name of trying to give make our lives happier again.

I'm going to push on.. I'm afraid of what life has in store for me next, though. I'm afraid to care about anyone else again. Afraid to continue living thinking it's all a lie. She's done a number on my life and soul.

Loving one minute.. evil and spiteful the next. There's not even a reason.

I'm smoking again.. I'm up all night again.. I can't think straight at work to get anything done right. I messed up the same thing twice in 5 minutes at work yesterday right in front of my boss.

I really ponder my existence anymore. Why in a day my life can be ripped from me that easily? Why does the girl who loved me and cared about me and tried for me deny these feelings and denies us the chance to ever try again?

Gtg to work.. other then my son I'm not really sure why. Honestly. Sincerely. No clue.

[the_original]

Im in the same boat as you my man... 3 months later I still ask myself those questions sometime. I was told the last 3 years were a waste of time, pointless, she didn't feel anything towards me (24 hours after telling me she loved me and would never leave).

Bottom line is there is no answer to this man. I don't even think she knows what's going on in her head. All we can do is write it off and forget it as much as it hurts. You say she wants to take the "trailer park ho" route, let her. She made her bed, she can sleep in it. I know EXACTLY how you feel my man. I cleaned my ex up from hard drugs and all that junk, a few weeks ago she's back hanging with the same group of girls who are KNOWN in this town for giving "oral" for whatever drug they need. I hope she hasn't become this, but one can only assume. So the question we pose to ourselves, is why waste any more time and devotion on a person who clearly does not deserve it? It hurts, will hurt for a while, but you have to let your disgust with her take top priority for a bit. Yea she's your sons mother and unfortunately you have to deal with her for life in some way or another, but dude use her actions as a means to just be disgusted with her, and realize you deserve a woman who doesn't pull this kind of crap. Haha dude I wish I could fed ex you a magic pill or something to make this go away, but it doesn't. It gets easier though, and eventually the disgust/anger grows to outweigh wanting her back.