[clairuk]

I am at the end of my teather with my 13yr old son, he is verbaly and phisicllay abusive with every 1 in my home. If I ask him 2 do something he tells me 2 get f**ked. If I send him 2 his room he will smash things up, punch holes in doors, throws things down the stair, he hits my other three children when they won't do what he wants them 2 do(incuding my 3yr old). He has hurt my 11yr old so badly that he had 2 go 2 hospital. I have asked for help from social services, they just tell me its my responsibility 2 keep my other children safe. I have tried getting him help with a theripist and a family theripist but he won't have anything to do with them. I hate the way I feel about him and want that close relationship we once had back more than anything. I know we can't carry on like this but I don't know what 2 do

[tickle]

Seems like he has gone beyond the normal hormonal problems teens have and from the way you describe him sounds like he has mental issues. Suggest a straight jacket, no just kidding, but it seems you have used your head and tried just about everything you can think of. Perhaps you should have got the police involved when he assaulted your 11year old. And... he is assaulting your other children.

Call Family Services again, get a counsellor out there and have the riot act read to him. He needs a good heads up on this so he knows what he is doing is not acceptable. I am hoping others with more knowledge about this will chime in, so don't give up on the site, I am sure you will hear some other plausible suggestions.

What ever happened to those boot camps for troubled teens ? I still go for my suggestion of having him charged, I know that is a tough c all for a mom, but just about anything would help you right now.

Tick

[adam_89]

I was going to suggeest boot camp as well. I was never a bad kid when I was growing up but my step-mom had it in her head that I was the devil. She threatened me with boot camp all the time. Instead she just used the methods they used in bootcamp. It was hell but my dad was also abusive towards me and with some hard work and some harsh punishments I turned out OK. Just to set the records straight, I was normal then but it did make me a better person. I really suggest Bootcamp. There is one somewhere that requires you to do everything yourself. They just kind of have you in an area and have you survive for yourself. Maybe you can find that one and send him there.

[tickle]

I did a little search, read up a bit on boot camps. Apparently do not exist anymore as they were depicted a few years on reality TV. Some suggestions are military boot camps, etc. and there are fees, but definitely for troubled teens who can't control themselves in a family environment.

Here is a website to explore and I hope it will enlighten you, if no, if you Google 'boot camps for trouble teens', there is a lot of reading to do.

Tick

[excon]

i hate my son

What ever happened to those boot camps for troubled teens ?

Hello tick and clair:

No regulation. Kids died. They're done. Good riddance.

However, living in a house where your mother could utter such foul words, might be worse. Poor kid. Clair, you need some parenting skills.

excon

[tickle]

Hello tick and clair:

No regulation. Kids died. They're done. Good riddance.

However, living in a house where your mother could utter such foul words, might be worse. Poor kid. Clair, you need some parenting skills.

excon

I remember a while ago that you had the same opinion of boot camps. I agree, the way they were run was not safe enough. No consideration for the human spirit, or body, just get the kid re-invented by plain cruelty, but there are boot camps now that are better; say the military style.

As for parenting skills for Clair, I don't agree with your comment. We don't know what her parenting skills are. I have heard 'I hate that kid' a few times and its just voicing complete frustration with the situation. I have said that too to myself, like, arrrrrrrrrrgh I hate that kid ! But never mean it and never will. I will never say that out loud because I don't mean it. I am and always will be a good mother, however, I never had the troubles this lady has.

Clair is here because she has run out of patience. She has other kids which are being beat up on by this kid. He has a long way to go before he is out of that household at l3 years old.

They are in the UK by the way where there is still a lot of social barrier within the younger communities that we will never understand.

Tick

[clairuk]

Your right tickle, it is pure fustration, I love all my children more than anything, but I do hate the way he is because I know he is worth so much more. I want more than anything 2 help him and I have no idea how 2 do it.he has never heard me say I hate him, I tell him everyday how much I love him. Maybe I do need parenting skills. I am on my own with 4 children and get no support from there father, I have very little family support because they don't visit anymore bacause of how bad things are. The 3 younger childeren are great, I have soom probs with them but then they wouldn't be children if I I didn't. I worry daliy about what he will do next and how far he will go, or who's going 2 get hurt.

[LearningAsIGo]

My cousin graduated from here two years ago - perhaps there is something similar in your area. It helped him tremendously and was free of charge through a scholarship he applied for through the school itself. Michigan Youth ChalleNGe Academy | Michigan

I think that's jumping ahead a bit though.

Do you know why your son is lashing out? Has something happened or is currently happening to cause his rage? I believe knowing the root can help find a solution. Sometimes its just hormonal, other times its more.

He may push you away, but give him a hug or leave a note where he'll find it... just tell him you love him. Even if he acts poorly in response, it'll be good for him to hear - and he will absorb it - even if he doesn't show it on the outside.

Good luck - and don't give up on him. There is something he needs -its just a matter of finding out what.

[Jake2008]

I can relate Clair. I too had a troubled, violent teen, who turned on a dime.

She was not criminal, she was mentally ill. Getting the police involved, and going through the revolving doors of detention, probation etc. won't solve the problem of mental illness. 'Smartening them up' won't either. Acting out, and having a mental illness are two different, and distinct situations.

The first thing I want to say to you is don't give up. You will hear 'let him hit rock bottom', or 'throw him out' etc. and that too only puts a mentally ill person on the street where he is vunerable to all the worst society has to offer.

I had to actually have my daughter charged with assault, before I stood up in the court room and asked to address the Judge. I begged for a 30 day psychiatric evaluation. I got it.

To this day she is being treated for concurrent disorders.

Knock down doors, speak to your Doctor for a referral, go to your MP (I did), and I also did an interview with a local paper over the dire straights of these kids with nowhere to go that desperately need help.

Phone your social services again. Demand a social worker to come to your home to assess the emotional and physical damage that is happening, and insist that she do her job. The last one was a dud- trust me on that.

He needs to be contained in a safe environment, he needs to be assessed, properly diagnosed, detoxed if necessary, put on medication depending upon the diagnosis, and seen for regular followups.

Once you get your foot in the door that he won't open himself, keep it there until his needs are addressed.

If they aren't, he will end up being another statistic of a mentally ill man.

[clairuk]

I've tried 2 look into mental illness but because he won't talk 2 anyone his case just gets closed, which just re-enforce that if he throws a big enough tantrum he can get his own way, things work very differently in the uk. Do you really think that could be the problem

Its not me he is angry with its his dad, he wants his dad 2 love him, but his dad wants nothing 2 do with him because he's 2 much like hard work. I will never give up on him and I have no intention of throwing him out, he belongs with me and that's where he will stay. I just want things 2 get better 4 his sake before he ends with a criminal record.

[tickle]

Clair, my heart goes out to you. He is suffering rejection then, pretty hard to take for one so young, especially from his dad. Knowing a parent doesn't want anything to do with you must be devastating. Could you possibly find a mentoring programme in your community? Yes, I know things work so much differently in the UK, but teens have the same problem all over the world and there must be something that will work. Do hugs work with him, or does he reject you because his dad rejects him?

Ms tick

[clairuk]

I'm not sure what a mentoring program is, he's on a thing where they take him out on trips and offer an ear if he need someone 2 talk 2.
I wish I could hug him, but he won't let me, says he 2 big 4 hugs

[tickle]

im not sure what a mentoring program is, hes on a thing where they take him out on trips n offer an ear if he need some1 2 talk 2.
i wish i could hug him, but he wont let me, says he 2 big 4 hugs

Well yes, that's sort of a mentoring programme. Do you have Big Brother in the UK. That is a one on one situation between a troubled young one and a father figure type of person.

I think one of our members had a great idea about leaving the odd note for him around to find, maybe in his room, telling him how much you love him.

Tick

[hheath541]

Your son sounds a lot like my brother. I spent most of my life getting the snot beat out of me everyday at even the slightest thing. If I looked at him wrong or happened to be in his way or said something or even if I was hiding from him, he would find a reason to start hitting me. I ended up in the hospital a couple times, once for stitches and once to have a gash in my head examined. I eventually just stoppede telling my mom when he hurt me, because her only advise was to tell me to stop agrivating him.

I'm glad you are actively trying to get him help. Does the uk have court ordered therapy? That's what eventually got my brother diagnosed.

He has an anger disorder that means he simply doesn't try to control his anger. There's a similar disorder that makes it impossible to control their anger, almost like bipolar disorder. There's a medication that can be prescribed for both disorders. Unfortunately, it doesn't always work with the first one.

I can tell you this, if you don't find him help, it will likely only get worse. The fact that you are actively seeking help, says a lot. Refuse to stop until you find the help you need.

As far as him busting things up; if it's his stuff, let him, and don't replace it. If it's someone else's stuff, start charging him for each thing he breaks. If he gets an allowance, start docking the charges. If he doesn't, then start taking his stuff away until he works off the charges somehow. Don't let him go out with friends, play video games, watch TV, use the computer, or any other privileges.

[clairuk]

He would never be able 2 pay for the things he has destroyed with his pocket money. He has smashed a laptop up, my back gate and my car(it was that badly damaged it had to be scrapped) then there's all the little things he has wrecked, he must owe me about £5000 by now,

Just been reading someone's post about being scared of her brother and it made me realise I have never asked my other children how its affecting them. That's something I think I need 2 do.

Don't have big brother here or court order therapy, but will look it 2 it and see if I can find something like it.

I'm so grateful for all the advice, I hope everyone that has read this knows I don't hate my son, he's my life. I have a lot 2 think about
Thank you

[hheath541]

I didn't realize the level of damage was that high. If he's consciously destroying things that are that expensive, then the sooner you can find him help, the better. violence and destruction rarely lessen on their own.

[clairuk]

I'm defo going get the help that we need, the fact that I posted that I hate my son tells me that my family is falling apart fast and my relationship is worse than I thought. If I don't do everything I can 2 put it right now then there's going to be nothing left 2 save.

I'm so pleased I found this site

[cdad]

Here are a few links you might keep handy and it may help you gain perspective and a few resources near you.

Ref:

Mental-health services for children patchy in the UK : The Lancet

Mental Health In The UK - MHUK


If you scroll down there are links on the left for service providers that may help you.

[excon]

Hello again, clair:

It might be his diet too. Does he eat healthy food? Does he eat what he's served in school? Does your family have dinner together? I'll bet if you change his diet, you'll change his attitude.

excon

[tickle]

Hello again, clair:

It might be his diet too. Does he eat healthy food?? Does he eat what he's served in school? Does your family have dinner together? I'll bet if you change his diet, you'll change his attitude.

excon

Yes, from what clair says, it can't be raw steak. But, yes you do have a good point, maybe some vitamins along the line of ones that help his mental capabilities, or brain food. Not being facetious.

Tick