[Jake80]

Do not care I would rather my child hurt me then hurt others

[hheath541]

Do not care i would rather my child hurt me then hurt others

While I can't argue with that, I don't think this is a situation where a 'breakthrough' moment is going to change everything. It honestly sounds like a chemical imbalance that will need to be medicated.

[Jake80]

I think he needs to cry and he needs to cry so much that he is afraid to do so. That will at least be a starting point.

[Jake80]

I would love for my children to cry. I do not want them to ever but I would like to know their pain.

[LearningAsIGo]

I've read through everything since my last post and I stand by my suggestion to leave him various notes, etc. reminding him that you love him. At that age, boys without the troubles he has will often reject physical love (hugs) from parents. If that's the case, continue to try or at least leave other messages of love... even text him once in a while! Believe me, every little bit helps.

Now that I read more of your story, I can relate better. My brother and I were rejected by our parents. My brother took to the depressed/withdrawn route - I was the depressed/angry one. Because I didn't have one caring parent (like he luckily has you) I found love and acceptance through other relatives - particularly and aunt and older cousins who forced hugs and treated me like a respected, loved individual. Does your son have anyone that can step in like this and help you? Do not take this personally, but because you are his parent, and have other children, he may also be faced with guilt (believe it or not) that he's too much for you to handle. He's in a self-pity sort of state facing this terrible rejection - that doesn't mean some part of him isn't aware of his actions or how they affect you and his siblings. Often, that will create a vicious cycle that might even make him angrier -- all along, he doesn't know of any other outlets for his anger, fear, sadness, and disappointment. Its really unfortunate---this is an important age for a boy and his father---to be rejected, his heart is obviously broken. I'm so sorry for him and the rest of you who want to help him so badly {{hugs}}

Continue to persist with your affections toward him - write him an honest note and explain that you love him and want to make him feel better--then ask him what might help. (Maybe even art class can help him express himself more constructively?) Even if he ignores you or shows more anger, eventually it will sink in. It may be a long while from now, but he will sit back one day and appreciate you for it. Just now, its hard for him to see.

Good luck to you

[Jake80]

Love hurts, if it did not it would not be worthwhile. Through love you learn to feel the pain of others. When feeling their pain you learn to help them. When loving them you help them to love. It is hard and it can be a long road but it is worth it.

[tickle]

I can't imagine living through this type of situation, although I know a lot of moms do because there have been other threads here similar.

I know, I just had to say it. My son is the best around. I know he will never let me down in anything.

Tick

[clairuk]

He really is not always that bad, we do have some really good days. When I started this thread we had just had a massive row because he didn't want to do his job, and I felt incredibly low as I always do after things get bad.

So far he has never tried hitting me and I hope he never does. He is a very big lad for his age, and already bigger than me. There's no way I could defend myself against him. As hheath514 said he could make some really harmful claims if I did.

I have made him an appointment to see our doctor for the end of the week so hopefully that will be the beginning of helping my son be the happy teenager he should be.

[hheath541]

I'm glad you're getting things underway. Just remember, don't let anyone tell you your son doesn't need help or try to push you off to the side.

[Jake80]

Clair no matter how much it hurts don't give up on him. I wish I could remember fighting with my parents or annoying them but that's in another life for me. I have 2 sons who I adore but teenage years have yet to come for me.

[tickle]

I have my fingers crossed because I know in the UK these procedures do not carry along the way they do on this continent. I know it is hard to understand, but old values and social networks, pecking orders are still in place .

tick

[clairuk]

I won't give up on him. I'm so much more focused than I was a few days ago. I know its going to be a long time before there is any sign of improvement but I know if I keep trying hard to get the help he really needs there is a brighter future for him and my whole family.

[tickle]

i won't give up on him. i'm so much more focused than i was a few days ago. i know its going to be a long time before there is any sign of improvement but i know if i keep trying hard to get the help he really needs there is a brighter future for him and my whole family.

I hope so to, clair, but don't forget, we have our own specific problems here and a lot gets hidden away and never dealt with, but you have the benefit of socialized medicine so you can seek out the proper organizations to deal with this. I know its hard once you have a phone number and find that that leads you another way and there will be a lot of roadblocks, but have you considered help on the continent as well. Perhaps some of those leads may take you there.

Keep in touch with us and I sincerely know that you contacting us gave you a kick start to a better life for everyone in your family and most important, you as the catalyst in all of this. Moms are great !

Tick

[clairuk]

Sorry if this is a bit jumbled, I'm not very good at writing. I have 4 children, 3 of them are reasonably well behaved. My eldest son is 14 and a big lad for his age. He is a very angry teenager which I know is normal. The problem is that he is both verbally and physical abusive to my whole family including his 6yr old sister and 4yr old brother. He beats up his small 12 yr old brother daily and when I try to stop him he turns on me. He smashes things up when he can't get his own way and as a result has cause thousands of pounds worth of damage. I have been to social services for help but they won't do anything, just keep telling me its my job to keep my children safe. It has come to a point where I feel my son needs to move out of the family home so that my other children can lead a normal childhood instead of living in fear. I have begged social services to find him a foster carer but they won't help. I really don't know what 2 do please help

[jenniepepsi]

You parent him.

You make it absolutely unacceptable. Take ALL his stuff away, and he doesn't get it back until he can behave. Take him to see a psychiatrist and see what is going on. Anger can be normal for a teen but not to this degree, something is going on and you need to find out what.

LAY DOWN THE LAW and ENFORCE IT.

And at 14 I absolutetely would call the police the next time he gets physical with a family member. Let him see the ADULT consequences of his ACTIONS.

[redhed35]

THREADS MERGED.

At 14 he's a kid,no matter what size he is, and it sounds very much like he needs help,as do you.

Wheres his father in all this?

Have you spoken to the school?

Has he ever received any counselling? Or anger management?

Before you go enforcing the law on him you need to find out WHY he's behaving this way?

If you can say the country you live in ill try and find some links for you to check out for help.

As hard as family life is right now YOU need to step it up as the parent not opt out.

Edit; I just read your other thread, how did the doctors appointment go?

[clairuk]

I'm in the uk, his father sent him an email about a year ago telling him he never wanted to see him again. He attends a school for children that can manage main stream school. He has been seen by doctors and psychiatrist and we tried family therapy but it was decide it wasn't save to continue(not sure what they meant by that). I have called the police but they don't do anything. I really can't think of anything else to try

[redhed35]

Time to up the anty.

Need Support?

About us - Care for the Family

BBC - Health: Relationships and Family support contacts

I have found a few contact numbers in the links above, most are nationwide in the uk,there all registered and the advice and support is free.

Give it a go, have a look through the numbers, if you need a more numbers, just post and ill see what I can find.

[Jake2008]

I will comment on your post, today's date, March 2nd.

I'm sure that there must have been some involvement with his school. It would be unusual for his violent behaviour to be only in the domain of his own home, with his own family. While I realize he is in a regular school, what, if anything have school teachers recommended. Have they recommended he be tested for learning disabilities along the way?

The police, doctors, psychiatrist, and family therapy have not worked. What do you expect of the Doctor you are seeing this week, that hasn't already been done.

The family therapist likely discontinued therapy with the family because of hostility, and/or, all members not participating for whatever reason. Did you ask her what her reason of 'not continuing for safety reasons' meant?

Why has his father dialed out completely. What reason does he give- is he also not able to control his son, or, is does he criticize you for his son being out of control, or is he left out of the picture in some way?

At this stage of the game, with everything else not working, I can't see anything short of a full psychological assessment, and testing of your son. Has this ever been recommended? It shouldn't be an option for him to get this type of help, just as it wouldn't be an option for him not to see a Doctor with a heart condition.

From what you have said so far, please ask your Doctor to have him assessed properly. We can here in Canada, ask formally through a judge, for an order, allowing a child (or any loved one for that matter), to be given a 24 hour minimum assessment in a secure psychiatric unit. I have done this myself. Please check this out where you are; I know we have similar universal Health Care coverage. There are also voluntary assessments done for children, in appropriate psychiatric facilities, but, I am not sure if where you are allows for that option. And it may not work anyway if he is not cooperating.

It just seems to me that seeing a Family Doctor as 'the beginning' of helping your son is putting the cart before the horse. At this stage of the game, with all avenues exhausted from what you've said, please at least give your Doctor the information you have given here, and insist on some sort of formal evaluation.

[clairuk]

Thank you redhed35, some of them sites look really good, and I will be getting in touch tomorrow.

Jake2008, I made my first post about my situation back in April last year, and you gave the same great advice, as you do now, I did see a lawyer about having a full assessment on him, but like everything else I have tried I hit another brick wall and told there was nothing they could do. In the uk I can't just apply to the courts a lawyer has to do it.

He doesn't go to a regular school, he attends a school for children that can't handle a regular school. He has attended that school of about 18mths now. After a rocky start he seems to have settled in well and behaves most of the time with few outbursts.

I think his father stopped seeing him because he found his behaver difficult. His father won't speak to me so I have never been able to get to the bottom if. Having said that I find his behaver difficult but I will never reject him