[clairuk]

We do eat healthy most of the time, but not all the time. He spends all of his pocket money on sweets. Its definitely worth looking into. He doesn't take vitamins, again worth looking into, thanks

[jmjoseph]

Clairuk, no matter what he does or doesn't do, don't give up on him. He is not evil, he is sick. This is your child. I am sure that you are frustrated. But you should never say that you "hate" your own child. Look at the title of this thread. For that you should be ashamed. I know you probably meant his behavior, but... still.

And "textspeak" is not allowed here. It messes up the translation program. "2,2,2,2,2,2,2,2,......"

But I do wish you peace and understanding.

Jake2008 is very knowledgeable, and has some very sound advice. It's a starting point. You should look into it.

God bless you and your family.

[tickle]

Hi jm, we have already allowed clair's textspeak; you are the only one who has mentioned this. I could have metioned this too, but just didn't want to because she was so upset with her situation. She was in a hurry, found our site, and just went for it to explain fast, how she felt.

I am sure she is now relaxed knowing we are here for her and her son.

You have to read through the WHOLE thread to see what went before. I am guilty of that sometimes and come in at the end not knowinfg what went before in a long thread like this.

[jmjoseph]

hi jm, we have already allowed clair's textspeak; you are the only one who has mentioned this. I could have metioned this too, but just didnt want to because she was so upset with her situation. She was in a hurry, found our site, and just went for it to explain fast, how she felt.

I am sure she is now relaxed knowing we are here for her and her son.

You have to read through the WHOLE thread to see what went before. I am guilty of that sometimes and come in at the end not knowinfg what went before in a long thread like this.

Thanks, Tick for the "excuse". But I did read the whole thread.

[tickle]

Thanks, Tick for the "excuse". But I did read the whole thread.

Yes, I know you are always quite proper and I hope I didn't offend you in any way. I am 'quite proper' in my way too.

Tick

[ohsohappy]

he would never be able 2 pay for the things he has destroyed with his pocket money. he has smashed a laptop up, my back gate n my car(it was that badly damaged it had 2 be scrapped) then theres all the little things he has wrecked, he must owe me about £5000 by now,

just been reading someone's post about being scared of her brother and it made me realise i have never asked my other children how its affecting them. thats something i think i need 2 do.

dont have big brother here or court order therapy, but will look it 2 it n see if i can find something like it.

im so grateful for all the advice, i hope everyone that has read this knows i dont hate my son, hes my life. i have a lot 2 think about
thank you

Pretty sure that post was mine.

[hheath541]

he would never be able 2 pay for the things he has destroyed with his pocket money. he has smashed a laptop up, my back gate n my car(it was that badly damaged it had 2 be scrapped) then theres all the little things he has wrecked, he must owe me about £5000 by now,

just been reading someone's post about being scared of her brother and it made me realise i have never asked my other children how its affecting them. thats something i think i need 2 do.

dont have big brother here or court order therapy, but will look it 2 it n see if i can find something like it.

im so grateful for all the advice, i hope everyone that has read this knows i dont hate my son, hes my life. i have a lot 2 think about
thank you

Yes, please do. Getting them into counseling wouldn't be a bad idea. It's a form of abuse and domestic violence that is usually overlooked and often goes untreated.

I grew up afraid of my brother. I'm still a little afraid of him. He still yells and screams and, even though it's been years since he's hit me, there's still a large part of me that thinks that he's going to hit me when he's mad around me, even if it's not directed at me.

One of the worst feelings in the world, is to never feel safe when you're at home. I spent most of my life walking on eggshells. I did my best to never say or do anything that would make him mad. I hid in my room, or in a closet, when he was mad. I remember being about 9 years old and hiding behind the couch and writing up a 'will' because I honestly thought he was going to kill me.

I have no idea how your other kids feel. I can only guess from the little you've said. I'm guessing that him hitting them and beating on them is a fairly common occurrence (meaning, it happens at least a few times a month), and you said he put his brother in the hospital.

Do they avoid him? visible react when he's angry? Get quiet when he's around? Try not to be in the same room with him?

If any of those questions are a yes, then they're definitely afraid of him. You need to show them that you DO love them and care about their safety. Stand up for them when he gets violent. Never even hint that they are in the wrong for making him angry, if his reaction is irrational. Do your best to spend time with them one on one and listen to them talk and ask them how they're doing. Don't immediately discount anything they say against your teenager just because there's no obvious proof.

I'm not saying you do any of those things. I just know that it's an easy pattern to slip into without noticing. You're a single mother trying to raise a problem child. It's easy to put the others on a backburner because they don't require as much focus and worry. It's also easy to look for the simplest way to end a conflict, and slight the other children in the process. It's not intentional, but it's not something they will likely forget, and will have a hard time forgiving when they're old enough to understand.

Like I said, looking into getting them therapy would be a good idea. If nothing else, it will give them someone else to talk to. Someone who can help them figure out exactly what they're feeling so they can deal with the feelings. It's also possible that hearing what things are like from your other kids will make someone take a closer look at your teenager so he can get the help he needs.

[tickle]

Pretty sure that post was mine.

Yes, it was yours:

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/other-...er-442522.html

[Jake2008]

Clair,

He doesn't think there is anything wrong with him, he thinks everything is wrong with the rest of the family. The point is, he won't talk, you have only his behaviour to go on in explaining what he's doing to himself, and others.

When you are looking into the mental health issues, find a competent person- it isn't easy. I think you are in the UK and have universal health care, as we have here in Canada. Lie if you have to. Tell them he is suicidal, and threatening others in the house. Say what you need to say in order for him to be assessed, without his permission. That was my whole point of saying that I had to have my daughter charged after a bone-breaking assault on me, in order to have a court assessment. At the time, that was the only way I could have her remanded to a mental health hospital.

Having backup by a formal assessment by Social Services, provides a written start to the situation in your home, and how it affects everybody. Make detailed notes as to all the incidents, behaviours, impressions, everything you can detail, and have her attach that to her report. Get a copy of the report and visit your Doctor, and ask for assistance in a referral to a Psychiatrist familiar with teenage mental health issues, and beg if you have to, for an in-patient referral to last at least 30 days.

In my case, it took a severe beating before I came up with a plan to get her into a hospital, and she needed to be escorted by police to a secure setting.

If you try the social worker/family doctor/psychiatrist route, you may avoid what will most certainly be physical escalation against family members.

Make it your goal to come up fighting, and don't let anybody stop you. Question everything, and if they say they don't think he needs anything but discipline, ask them to explain that within the understanding of what information you have given them. They won't like being questioned, but this is your son. Shake them up, make demands.

I hope you find the strength to see this through. I'm certainly not one to judge you, or your son, or your family. I'm only speaking through experience, and I may very well be over the top here, but I see so many familiar elements of mental illness. You are a wonderful loving mother like I am, but you are not a psychiatrist.

[Jake2008]

Hheath has a very good point about addressing the needs of the other children and the needs of you and your husband.

That to me is also a sign that your son has so taken over the stability of everybody, to the point where only his needs are being addressed.

Also excon's advice about diet is good. Even a holistic practitioner will do a proper diet assessment, and that might be an easier thing for your son to do; less intimidating than seeing a doctor.

[Alty]

I didn't read all the posts so please forgive if I repeat something.

Has anyone mentioned the fact that this kid is 13? I've never been a 13 year old boy, but I remember being a 13 year old girl and boy oh boy, it wasn't a piece of cake.

I do think there's more going on then just being a teenager with hormones shooting out left right and center, but still, that may be a part of it.

This young man needs help. The rejection of his dad, the fact that his body and mind are in conflict because of his age, it's a recipe for disaster, and the dish is cooked.

I know that the OP has stated that he won't talk to anyone, but find the right therapist and he may.

Maybe even try setting him up with an account here, then you can monitor. Maybe talking to strangers he doesn't have to face will do the trick. It can't hurt. The people on this site and their expertise is amazing. Worth a try.

I really hope it all works out. I know you don't hate him, but I can understand being at the end of your rope with his behavior. No quick fix, but I don't think he's broken beyond repair.

Good luck.

[hheath541]

I know people have said it before, but it bears repeating.

DON'T give up on him. Kids can tell, even if you think you're hiding it well.

By the time my brother was 13, our mom had basically given up. She still loved him. She stilled cared what happened to him. She was still bothered by his behavior. She just gave up trying to discipline him.

There ended up being two sets of rules. One for me, and one for him. I was expected to follow mine to the letter, but nothing ever happened when he didn't follow his. She stopped even attempting to ground him or send him to his room. She would get upset when he was out late, but he never actually got in trouble for it. When he would pick a fight, it was easier for her to just send me to my room, since he never listened to her anyway. She just stopped trying to correct his behavior, because she knew he wouldn't listen.

When he was 14, he was arrested for the first time. He had been breaking into cars and stealing things. He ended up with several misdemeanors and a few felonies against him (the felonies were for a gun he found in one of the cars. They charged him separately for stealing, possessing, and selling a firearm). He spent a little more than a year in juvenile lock up. When he got out, he had to repeat his 9th grade year, because he'd missed it while in jail.

By the end of the first semester, he had a GPA of 0. he hadn't done any homework, had refused to take tests (or just handed them in blank), and had skipped so many days that there just weren't any grades to calculate. He would leave for school, and be gone for days at a time. My mom would call the police and say he was missing at least once a week. They would find him a couple days later. A few days after that, he'd disappear again. As soon as he turned 16, he convinced his probation officer and our mother to sign the papers to let him drop out of high school.

He was in and out of juvie more times than I bothered to count for the couple years after that. Most of the times were for violating his probation. A few times were for new charges. He stole a pair of boots from a store. He stole money and dealer's license plates (which counts as a felony) from the car lot our grandpa worked for (our grandpa managed to convince the owner not to file charges on the license plates, but he did have to work off the money he stole after he got back out of lock up). He gave me a black eye. He was caught in the company of other convicted criminals. He was found with alcohol. He got high on the way to a scheduled drug test and then had a screaming fit in the middle of the court house when he failed it.

After he turned 18, he didn't change much. He stole from somewhere again, and ended up in the county jail that time. His only complaint was that they didn't have cable and he didn't have any junk food to eat. He's been in and out of the county jail a few times, now.

Our mom still doesn't do anything about his behavior. He was supposed to fix something on her car, but stole the money she gave him to buy the part, and she didn't even confront him about it. He broke into her apartment on more than one occasion to steal food. He borrows her car all the time and leaves her with no way to work. Sometimes, he borrows it while she at work and leaves her no way to get home. He'll disappear for days with her car and refuse to answer her calls, then return it with no gas or tell her there's something wrong with it, now. She never yells at him, or stops letting him walk all over her.

I think, if she'd had the resources and ability to find him help, things would've turned out quite differently. They just weren't available to us where we were. There wasn't money to put him in therapy, and there were no programs that would help.

Hopefully, you'll be able to find the help your son needs.

I only tell you about my brother, because I don't want your son to turn out like him. The way he acted tore my family apart. We still aren't close, because I can't forgive him the way he treated me or her for not stopping him.

It's obvious you love your son. It's also obvious that he's out of control and you're lost. Take jake's advice. Do WHATEVER you can to get him the help he needs. Find a way to get him admitted to a mental health facility for evaluation. Lie. Tell the truth. Tell them that you fear for the lives of your other children. Just find a way to get him the therapy, and probably the medication, that he needs.

While he under observation, take the opportunity to spend some quality time with your other children. Do something fun. Spend a day at a park. Just be there for them and let them know that you're willing and able to listen, and that you love them. Then, find a good therapist they can talk to. Find a therapist for yourself, too. Start family therapy, if possible. You all need someone to talk to.

[faurealex]

Hi, my heart goes out to you and your family. Your son sounds a lot like my brother used to be when he was missing a father figure. He would even complain that the dog was female... anyhow, maybe what you could do is find a BIG BROTHER association, so he could have an authoritative male figure to look up to without feeling like he is being told what to do. Plus it might reassure him that someone would actually take the time to want to know him just for him. Personnaly I think he has abandonment issues do to his dad and an enormous lack of selfesteem. As for you, I can only speak of my experience with my mom, boy do we love and respect them as we become adults and understand a bit more about life. Imade my mom go through hell and back between my adolescent and diabetes crisis and I can honestly tell you SHE IS MY TRUE HERO!! Just know that he loves you, its himself I think he does not love simply because his father won't love him. So logically for a child he thinks he is not worth it. One of my nieces, at a very young age, 4 years old, started acting out violently, I manage to get her to talk and what I learned was that when she knew she had to leave a place or person she was happy with(even for a short while) she would get angry and say terrible things just to make it easier to leave. Just be pqtient and try a big brother approach, nice and gentle with lots of understanding.

[asking]

I think you should think hard about what is making him so angry. Yes, there have to be limits of some kind. But as you've already found, he's too big and strong for you to control physically. It has to be at an emotional level. I think Jake makes some great points. She's been through this. But make it clear to him that you still have his back and he is still your son, even though you are so frustrated with him. Be honest about your feelings, but not brutal. You can still help him.

[clairuk]

All the advice I have received has been great, I will never give up on my son, I will keep trying to help him for as long as it takes.
There is a side to my son that is amazing, when he is like this I love to be around him and do things with him, chat with him, he is full of love. I think I find it hard to remember that when he is angry.

[hheath541]

all the advice i have received has been great, i will never give up on my son, i will keep trying to help him for as long as it takes.
there is a side to my son that is amazing, when he is like this i love to be around him and do things with him, chat with him, he is full of love. i think i find it hard to remember that when he is angry.

Has he been tested for bipolar disorder?

[Jake80]

Fight him, I really mean it fight him get him so angry that it scares you. Punches what ever it takes fight him. Just do not lose, he will exhaust himself before you do. When he as finally finish just hug him, as only a mother could and you will hear the sorries coming from him. He hurts, it sounds like he hurts so much that he as to hurt others. You have to get it out of him and it will not be easy. If you had a broken arm you would still want to hug your child no matter how much it hurt.

[hheath541]

Fight him, i really mean it fight him get him so angry that it scares you. Punches what ever it takes fight him. Just do not lose, he will exhaust himself before you do. When he as finally finish just hug him, as only a mother could and you will hear the sorries coming from him. He hurts, it sounds like he hurts so much that he as to hurt others. You have to get it out of him and it will not be easy. If you had a broken arm you would still want to hug your child no matter how much it hurt.

Getting into a physical altercation with her son is NOT a good idea. All he would have to do is cry child abuse and SHE would end up being the one in trouble.

[Jake80]

Sorry I meant that her son gets so angry that he loses it. Verbally and physically. He releases all of his anger. I didn't mean she should hit him. Wrong wording on my part

[hheath541]

It doesn't matter if she hits him, or not. All it would take is him claiming that she did. If he breaks anything in the fight or hurts himself, even if it's just from punching a wall, it will only lend credence to his story.