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JoeCanada76 · Apr 17, 2010, 07:35 AM

Emopunk7 disagrees: There are feelings involved. It can be done but it will be difficult.

jmjoseph · Apr 17, 2010, 08:13 AM

Gonenuts, I'm sorry for you being in this position. Before my wife and I got married, we both agreed that infidelty was a deal breaker. No excuses, no "reasons" accepted. That's basically what most people do when they get married. They make an agreement to be faithful, and respect each other's feelings.

She said "it wasn't about you..." Well, it was about YOU, and the lack of respect and love for YOU. She cheated because she wanted to.

You have every right to be angry and hurt.

Her not showing remorse makes matters even worse.

You sound like a good man, and a loving, very involved father. That's our job isn't it?

I cannot give you any advice concerning divorce. All I can do is say that if this happened to me, and she did it more than once, and planned on doing it again, I would have a yard sale with my wife's things selling cheaper than dirt. "Leather jacket? How about a nickle?" If my wife wanted to act like a wh*re, then I would send her to the streets where she belongs. And give her the nickel for my "tab".

Please get into counseling before this kills you from the inside out.

May God bless you and your children. (Your wife is on her own.)

jmjoseph · Apr 17, 2010, 08:17 AM

SONOMAMA29 disagrees : your not the one who cheated and bragged about it.. let everyone know

Sonomama29: please READ the site rules. "Disagrees" is for factually incorrect information only. You just gave the OP a red mark on his profile. If you are going to USE this site, then the least you can do is read the rules, and show some respect to it's members.

graduate2life · Apr 17, 2010, 12:55 PM

Originally Posted by nonny

Try a small forgiveness exercise!!!!

Step 1: Sit alone in your room - close your eyes and imagine the person that you want to forgive standing or sitting infront of you - smiling (this is the difficult part)

Step 2: Mentally state to the person " I give you love, I give you peace, I forgive you" - Say this about 10 times.

Step 3: Repeat the above process about 3 times a day

I guarantee that the person himself/herself will come back and apologise to you and you wont care one way or another.

Now how does this work? Where did you get this exercise from? Except calm the person himself, forgiveness cannot act in any other way. Also, its not so easy and fast to forgive someone!

Still, I would like to urge Gonenuts to try this, he might feel better actively forgiving someone like this (if he succeeds).

Kitkat22 · Apr 17, 2010, 01:02 PM

Originally Posted by graduate2life

Now how does this work? Where did you get this exercise from? Except calm the person himself, forgiveness cannot act in anyother way. Also, its not so easy and fast to forgive someone!!

I would like to urge Gonenuts to try this, he might feel better actively forgiving someone like this (if he succeeds).

Either learn to forgive or it will never work. She needs to ask forgiveness and if it works... great! You will never forget and theat's what bothers me. Can you sleep with this woman and not have those images in your head? Good Luck:)

graduate2life · Apr 17, 2010, 03:30 PM

Jesushelper1976 disagrees : balancer.

I do not mind any amount of balancers. But please provide me the reason for your "diagreements"!

jmjoseph · Apr 17, 2010, 04:13 PM

graduate2life disagrees : this is too harsh. Women also get confused like plent of men do. gonenuts should focus on helping her see she is being so unfair to him. I do not recommend acting out this sort of animosity.

graduate2life, how about "graduating" to the site rules and instructions. "Disagrees" are for factually incorrect information. And while your at it, re-read my post. I did not recommend anything "harsh". I said if it was MY wife.

I was wondering when I would get a reddie from someone who didn't have the time to read the rules here. Pity actually. Most of the reddies I see are from people like you.

You take up for this insensitive cheater. But do it in the proper manner.

Kitkat22 · Apr 17, 2010, 05:22 PM

Originally Posted by jmjoseph

graduate2life disagrees : this is too harsh. women also get confused like plent of men do. gonenuts should focus on helping her see she is being so unfair to him. I do not recommend acting out this sort of animosity.

graduate2life, how about "graduating" to the site rules and instructions. "Disagrees" are for factually incorrect information. And while your at it, re-read my post. I did not recommend anything "harsh". I said if it was MY wife.

I was wondering when I would get a reddie from someone who didn't have the time to read the rules here. Pity actually. Most of the reddies I see are from people like you.

You go ahead and take up for this insensitive cheater. But do it in the proper manner.

Graduate2life Sit in your chair and smile and talk to yourself as much as you want! It's going to take more than that to fixt his guys marriage.:rolleyes:

jmjoseph · Apr 17, 2010, 08:01 PM

Originally Posted by graduate2life

Jesushelper1976 disagrees : balancer.

I do not mind any amount of balancers. But please provide me the reason for your "diagreements"!

Look who's talking.

Kitkat22 · Apr 17, 2010, 08:22 PM

Originally Posted by jmjoseph

Look who's talking.

Sometimes I wonder about people!:rolleyes: As jm said read the rules.

Gemini54 · Apr 17, 2010, 08:24 PM

Gonenuts, sorry that this discussion has been somewhat hijacked.

I do think that there is a consensus among the posters through - you need to look after YOURSELF and get help for yourself before you can make an objective, informed decision.

However, it may be that you can never be truly objective - she is your wife after all - and I do understand that sometimes we can love people and still want to be with them despite the pain they have caused us.

All I can say to you is that if you decide to stay, do it genuinely, out of LOVE. Love for yourself as well as for your wife. Don't do it out of fear, or obligation or necessity. Do it because you ARE prepared to forgive and put aside yourself pity. Remember, self pity erodes love because when you feel sorry for yourself it's hard for others not to feel this way about you as well.

Please seriously consider taking some action so that you can feel positively about yourself and so that you can take back some control of yourself in this situation. Only then will you be able to see your way more clearly and make the best decision for yourself.

Please let us know how you're going.

jo_dy · Apr 18, 2010, 04:22 AM

Hi gonenuts

I have read through every single thread and really feel for you.

Firstly don't ever feel she is the best you can get after she's done what she has, every woman is looking for a good man like you, you will have no problem meeting someone new when your ready to so get that idea and feeling out of your head to start with.

Now I have been cheated on also and all I can say to you, having been there is that these feeings in your stomach that make you want to be sick and cry all at the same time don't go away while your with them, it will slowly but surely eat away at you, NOT HER, she did the damage, she is not hurt so she has nothing to get over, only you do and I have to say from experience its almost impossible to do. You will forever wonder IF she is or will or could do it again and unfortunately for people like us is that she probably will :(

I get the feeling from your posts that you are not ready to leave... yet. Threatening to do it in the hope of getting the reaction or pleas and something to make you feel better won't work, if your going to do it just do it, the more you mull over it you will talk yourself out of it and find sooooooooo many excuses not to go. But its excuses is what they are and you know that deep down.

I feel so bad for you and how your feeling at the moment but what I had to say to myself was that you can stay and live with these bad feelings and hurt OR leave and slowly but surely the hurt will get better because it will, it may not seem like it but it will, I promise BUT you have to know that staying it will not!

Be brave and strong and do what's best for you x

gonenuts · Apr 19, 2010, 03:36 PM

Thank you all again for all of your thoughts and posts. They really do help.

My wife does say and act as if she is sorry... but it took time to get there... It took her time to realize how much it damaged me... and damaged her. But in that time, so much was damaged for me... so much was said.. so much was lost... It is hard for me to just dismiss all that...

You are correct, that the affair is with me in the bedroom even under the best of times. I am still amazed at how often it is on my mind. And how bitter it has made me sometimes. We drove by an outdoor wedding the other day and my 5y old asked "what's that" and before I could think in my head I said to myself... "oh that is a ceremony where two people lie to each other"... I did not say that to my child, but that is what popped into my head.

I do see a therapist on my own. She too sees the need for me to build myself back up... I see it too... But it is hard to build myself back up with the memories so fresh in my mind. Sometimes it is hard for me to look at my wife when she comes home.

Part of my problem is isolation... I am self employed, and alone all while my kids are at school... That is a lot of time to stew in my own self pitty. I can say that my attitude has improved quite a bit over the last week... but is it a roller coaster ride.

I agree with the poster that said that I am not ready to leave the marriage. I am not. I do love my wive. I still remember with affection the first time I laid eyes on her some 21 year ago. I do think I am staying out of love. I am just having a hard time reconciling my feelings. I hope in time that it will be better... all the therapists (the one we saw together, and the one I am seeing) say that it is very possible to stay together and even have a stronger marriage... I hold hope...

I think part of my insecurity lies frankly in my lack of experience with other women... my wife has said that she wish she could give me that perspective that she had gained from the affair... She said that sex is just sex.. That it was no different with him as it is with me... My response to that I said is that I feel sorry for you then... It drive me nuts that she can make that statement.

I don't have any ideal that every time we have sex that it is some groundswelling emotional experience... but at its core it is making love.. at least for me...

In fact I think she was surprised at herself... she thought that she could just have a purely sexual experience and not have it impact her emotionally... but after their second night together she became attached to him and did keep in touch...

Kitkat22 · Apr 19, 2010, 04:33 PM

Originally Posted by gonenuts

Thank you all again for all of your thoughts and posts. They really do help.

My wife does say and act as if she is sorry... but it took time to get there.... It took her time to realize how much it damaged me... and damaged her. But in that time, so much was damaged for me... so much was said.. so much was lost.... It is hard for me to just dismiss all that....

You are correct, that the affair is with me in the bedroom even under the best of times. I am still amazed at how often it is on my mind. And how bitter it has made me sometimes. We drove by an outdoor wedding the other day and my 5y old asked "what's that" and before I could think in my head I said to myself .... "oh that is a ceremony where two people lie to each other"..... I did not say that to my child, but that is what popped into my head.

I do see a therapist on my own. She too sees the need for me to build myself back up.... I see it too... But it is hard to build myself back up with the memories so fresh in my mind. Sometimes it is hard for me to look at my wife when she comes home.

Part of my problem is isolation... I am self employed, and alone all while my kids are at school.... That is a lot of time to stew in my own self pitty. I can say that my attitude has improved quite a bit over the last week... but is it a roller coaster ride.

I agree with the poster that said that I am not ready to leave the marriage. I am not. I do love my wive. I still remember with affection the first time I laid eyes on her some 21 year ago. I do think I am staying out of love. I am just having a hard time reconciling my feelings. I hope in time that it will be better... all the therapists (the one we saw together, and the one I am seeing) say that it is very possible to stay together and even have a stronger marriage... I hold hope....

I think part of my insecurity lies frankly in my lack of experience with other women... my wife has said that she wish she could give me that perspective that she had gained from the affair..... She said that sex is just sex.. That it was no different with him as it is with me... My response to that I said is that I feel sorry for you then... It drive me nuts that she can make that statement.

I don't have any ideal that every time we have sex that it is some groundswelling emotional experience.... but at its core it is making love.. at least for me....

In fact I think she was surprised at herself.... she thought that she could just have a purely sexual experience and not have it impact her emotionally... but after their second night together she became attached to him and did keep in touch...

I'm sorry the only thing she shared was an STD. I'm sorry if that hurts you. Just do what your heart tells you to do.:)

graduate2life · Apr 20, 2010, 04:35 AM

Originally Posted by gonenuts

Thank you all again for all of your thoughts and posts. They really do help.

My thoughts in that case... :)

I feel you are displaying or have displayed a lot of compassion even being in this difficult situation. I find it remarkable. You have not forgotten last 21 years even when anyone in your situation would totally let their mind succumb to rage. The comapssion you have displayed indicates you have the courage and strength to deal with this in the long run.

However, your wife doesn't know the extent of what you have gone through, I am pretty sure. It is hard to know anything as much as the "Experience" of it makes you know it. Is it unfair? Yes. But it will remain like that and you might have to accept it. Because she will never know what she did fully until unless you become "her" /act like her/ or leave her / and vice versa. So don't base your hopes of reconciling your feelings on her behaviour I would say. It has to come from you. That strength is within you.

Kitkat22 · Apr 20, 2010, 05:40 AM

It's up to you. Good luck

Girl-with-Story · Apr 22, 2010, 12:41 PM

This situation is not black and white and I find that a lot of the posts in this thread suggest that it is. I hope you take the advice given on here lightly. I personally think that considering all the information you have shared, you can overcome this, and I've given you my advice on where to start in an earlier post.

She does not seem like a mean spirited woman, she seems like a woman who made a mistake and may have handled it poorly at times, but her intentions in my opinion are not terrible. Her honestly may have hurt you but I actually read somewhere that in situations like these, brutal honestly is less hurtful than witholding information. And sometimes, from what you post, I get the impression that she tries to make you feel better but goes about it in a way that backfires and you feel more hurt.

I agree with people who say that she may do it again. But no one can predict the future. Hell, no one can guarantee that you won't be in her shoes one day...

Infidelity is wrong. But no one is perfect. We're human. We make mistakes. All of us.

Kitkat22 · Apr 22, 2010, 01:10 PM

Originally Posted by Girl-with-Story

This situation is not black and white and I find that a lot of the posts in this thread suggest that it is. I hope you take the advice given on here lightly. I personally think that considering all the information you have shared, you can overcome this, and I've given you my advice on where to start in an earlier post.

She does not seem like a mean spirited woman, she seems like a woman who made a mistake and may have handled it poorly at times, but her intentions in my opinion are not terrible. Her honestly may have hurt you but I actually read somewhere that in situations like these, brutal honestly is less hurtful than witholding information. And sometimes, from what you post, I get the impression that she tries to make you feel better but goes about it in a way that backfires and you feel more hurt.

I agree with people who say that she may do it again. But no one can predict the future. Hell, no one can guarantee that you won't be in her shoes one day...

Infidelity is wrong. But no one is perfect. We're human. We make mistakes. All of us.

It was more than infidelity!! She gave him an STD! Told him how great sex was with the other guy! Gonenuts it's your decision
But please take all this into consideration.

SONOMAMA29 · Apr 23, 2010, 11:51 AM

Read all the recent threads, again, I think your going to stay with her and it will be horriblw for you because like you said anything and everything will trigger this feeling inside you. Passing a church and seeing a marriage? I really feel for you. If you are planning to salvage this "marriage" maybe what you and your wife need to do is go away together, no kids, just you and her, see if you can be intimate with her, see if you really can make it a strong marriage again, but don't pro-long this, your kids are feeling that something is going on. Do I think you should be with her? HELL NO but, don't just stay with her for the sake of your kids, you have to find your pride and dignity again, your not making yourself happy and that is what is most important. And the happiness of your kids. Your wife deffinatly made herself happy and now she has the memories to look back on. NOT YOU.

Kitkat22 · Apr 23, 2010, 11:59 AM

I hope you get what you want gonenuts. It's hard to just stop loving someone. Trust is gone and you'll never get those pictures out of your mind
I really wish I had a magic wand that could take your pain and hurting away.
I truly pray there is someway you can get over this hurt.

I believe there is nothing as agonizing as being betrayed by the person who has been your whole world. If there is any possibility at all that you can trust her again and she can prove you can trust her.. try. Seek counseling from a minister or a good Christian counselor... I hope things work out. God Bless