[Kitkat22]

I suggest you try focusing on yourself for a while, working on being confident and more independant of her and working on other aspects of your life (social, hobbies, children, work) and being happier independantly of her. If the relationship survives, your will be confident with yourself and will no longer act more committed to her than she is to you, if the relationship does not survive, you will. She should not be the center of your Universe (even if she hadn't cheated) she should one aspect of your life out of many other fulfilling ones.

Have you considered a trial seperation?

Once a cheater and a liar... it won't change. Don't clump all women in the category with your wife. Some of us take our vows seriously.

[gonenuts]

Just to clarify...I don't believe the relationship is not slavageable. But I do think there are other issues to work on, other than the cheating...

I was in a relalationship once with a great man. But like you, he was more committed to me than I was to him. Eventually he resolved some issues that were affecting his self esteem (personal issues including work and finances) and things eventually 'evened out' in the relationship (we were both on the same level of being 'into' one another) and it helped the relationship TREMENDOUSLY. I really felt better about him not being more dependant on me than I was on him, it felt like the relationship benefitted so much because of it. And it was actually nice for both of us to feel like I was the one who wanted more attention/validation from him sometimes instead of it being the other way around all the time.

I know this is a different issue all together, and I don't mean to belittle what your wife did, but I get the feeling that the issue of you builsing your life around her could possibly have played a part in what she did. I know people may totally dissagree with me but I don't think you should throw all the years you've been together down the toilet over this.

I do agree with you in some degree... we have actually had that discussion before... (post affair) she said that she wished I would be more aloof sometimes..

I have always been the caretaker in the relationship... that is just who I am... I am the proverbial "nice guy". I express my love via service and lovemaking is a big part of that... for me... I feel that is why I have been so threatened by the affair. Lovemaking for her is more of a physical act... I am not a weak man.. I am attractive... fit... and very defensive of what I think is right... I am honest to a falt.. but yes when it comes to my wife I play the servant role.

She has told me that she admires me for the decent man I am, the way I stick to my guns, and can and have built a successful business from nothing..

I have made my position clear since day one in our relationship that I was a one strike and your out guy when it came to cheating... when the bill clinton thing was in the news we had discussions about it, and I was much more hard lined... she said that was a big reason she hid it from me for as long as she could.

And here I am now not standing my ground... I wish it were more black and white...

I simply can't see myself with any other woman... I don't desire it at all... My wife says that a part of her still wants to be in a new relationship.. and that she thinks that is normal for anyone in any marriage... I am not sure I agree. I understand that I can appreciate a nice looking woman, and be enamered with someone... but to take the step to cross the line I don't understand.

I used to be so proud of the fact that we had only ever been with one another... In my college years I was tempted... but I never strayed... I never imagined this would happen to me... If anything I felt as if I would be the one to stray long before she would...

Now a feel a bit silly about have only ever been with her... like I have been conned... gamed in some way... I don't have any desire to be with another woman... I suspect if we part that it would take me a great deal of time... if at all..

Thank you all for helping me to work this out..

[Kitkat22]

I do agree with you in some degree... we have actually had that discussion before...(post affair) she said that she wished I would be more aloof sometimes..

I have always been the caretaker in the relationship.... that is just who i am... I am the proverbial "nice guy". I express my love via service and lovemaking is a big part of that... for me... I feel that is why I have been so threatened by the affair. Lovemaking for her is more of a physical act... I am not a weak man.. I am attractive... fit... and very defensive of what I think is right... I am honest to a falt.. but yes when it comes to my wife I play the servant role.

She has told me that she admires me for the decent man I am, the way I stick to my guns, and can and have built a successful business from nothing..

I have made my position clear since day one in our relationship that I was a one strike and your out guy when it came to cheating... when the bill clinton thing was in the news we had discussions about it, and I was much more hard lined... she said that was a big reason she hid it from me for as long as she could.

And here I am now not standing my ground... I wish it were more black and white...

I simply can't see myself with any other woman... I don't desire it at all... My wife says that a part of her still wants to be in a new relationship .. and that she thinks that is normal for anyone in any marriage... I am not sure I agree. I understand that I can appreciate a nice looking woman, and be enamered with someone... but to take the step to cross the line I don't understand.

I used to be so proud of the fact that we had only ever been with one another... In my college years I was tempted... but I never strayed... I never imagined this would happen to me... If anything I felt as if I would be the one to stray long before she would...

Now a feel a bit silly about have only ever been with her.... like I have been conned.... gamed in some way..... I don't have any desire to be with another woman... I suspect if we part that it would take me a great deal of time... if at all..

Thank you all for helping me to work this out..

She's a selfish, lying sleazeball. I hope you can live with that.:(

[Girl-with-Story]

Honestly, I think if you decided to leave, what she did would finally sink in and she would regret it more than she realizes right now. I think she knows you're not going anywhere and this is why she's not as invested in you as she should be. She is basically taking you for granted because she has the impression that no matter what, you will always want to be with her. I also think that if you did decide on a trial separation and she finally realized that there is a possibility she may lose you, she would do 180 and sincerely regret her actions and ask for forgiveness. I know it sounds childish that that's what it would take for her to wake up but again, I get the sense that she feels you are not going anywhere no matter what. That may be the message you are giving her, throughout this whole thing and most likely prior. Even if you did tell her 'one strike and you're out, etc', how you are with her, and your actions speak louder.

[gonenuts]

I have thought that as well.. I just don't want to play games.. and it would make the entire thing public..

But I do think I am ready to take that step... it would make her face it, and I think the pain of having her family find out would bring it home a bit as well... I would like to avoid that if possible though...

[Kitkat22]

I have thought that as well.. I just don't want to play games..., and it would make the entire thing public..

But I do think I am ready to take that step... it would make her face it, and i think the pain of having her family find out would bring it home a bit as well... I would like to avoid that if possible though...

Her family needs to know and if you do leave make it clear to them why!
Don't be a weak man... Stand up for yourself and know when trust is broken it can never be regained. She doesn't respect you the way you are... Leave.:confused:

[Gemini54]

Part of the problem here is that you've made all these rules for yourself:

.. "I'm a nice guy, I'm decent, I'm the caretaker, I stand my ground when it comes to infidelity, I'm loyal, I can't desire anyone else, etc "...

What you've now found, via this situation with your wife, is is that lots of these rules have been broken, or don't apply any more, so you feel immobilized, unable to make a decision or act on what you believe.

You've lost yourself because you haven't stuck to your guns and you haven't stood firm on your values.

You keep making excuses for a marriage that exists in name only and this only serves to perpetuate your confusion and anguish.

May I humbly suggest that she has your testicles in a jar, by her side of the bed? I think that it's time to 'man up' and take a realistic look at your marriage.

Your wife has purposefully cheated and lied, and to add insult to injury she admits that part of her still wants to be in a new relationhsip. She says that this is 'normal' in any marriage. Yea, right.

You are profoundly unhappy and you know deep down that the trust is shattered. She has not given you any reason to trust her again and probably only stays because you feed her narcissism by being servile.

You don't know what will happen in the future, just as you didn't know that your wife could behave in this way. So to say that you will never desire another woman or have another relationship is just absurd.

It's time to stop making these silly rules and excuses for yourself and go back to the person you once were - if you want loyalty, trust and commitment in a relationship then you're in the wrong one.

It's your choice. Stay and suffer or leave and find yourself again. No one is saying it will be easy, but you have lost your way and it's time to reclaim your manhood and reclaim your self-respect.

[JoeCanada76]

Part of the problem here is that you've made all these rules for yourself:

.. "I'm a nice guy, I'm decent, I'm the caretaker, I stand my ground when it comes to infidelity, I'm loyal, I can't desire anyone else, etc "......

What you've now found, via this situation with your wife, is is that lots of these rules have been broken, or don't apply any more, so you feel immobilized, unable to make a decision or act on what you believe.

You've lost yourself because you haven't stuck to your guns and you haven't stood firm on your values.

You keep making excuses for a marriage that exists in name only and this only serves to perpetuate your confusion and anguish.

May I humbly suggest that she has your testicles in a jar, by her side of the bed? I think that it's time to 'man up' and take a realistic look at your marriage.

Your wife has purposefully cheated and lied, and to add insult to injury she admits that part of her still wants to be in a new relationhsip. She says that this is 'normal' in any marriage. Yea, right.

You are profoundly unhappy and you know deep down that the trust is shattered. She has not given you any reason to trust her again and probably only stays because you feed her narcissism by being servile.

You don't know what will happen in the future, just as you didn't know that your wife could behave in this way. So to say that you will never desire another woman or have another relationship is just absurd.

It's time to stop making these silly rules and excuses for yourself and go back to the person you once were - if you want loyalty, trust and commitment in a relationship then you're in the wrong one.

It's your choice. Stay and suffer or leave and find yourself again. No one is saying it will be easy, but you have lost your way and it's time to reclaim your manhood and reclaim your self-respect.

That in a nutshell.

Wake UP. Smell the cheater. The user. The one that will sleep with whoever if asked. Maybe there are other diseases on there way home. HIV, HEP B, but you will find out after it is too late.

SAVE yourself and get out now. NO more excuses.

Like the above answer said, it is absurd to think you will never be attracted to any other women or never be in another relationship. That will not be the case, guaranteed.

[Kitkat22]

That in a nutshell.

Wake UP. Smell the cheater. The user. The one that will sleep with whoever if asked. Maybe there are other diseases on there way home. HIV, HEP B, but you will find out after it is too late.

SAVE yourself and get out now. NO more excuses.

Like the above answer said, it is absurd to think you will never be attracted to any other women or never be in another relationship. That will not be the case, guaranteed.

I don't understand men who hold on to a woman who has cheated and I would bet it wasn't the first time or it won't be the last. She knows you'll always be there to walk on.. Get OUT

[Rich11111]

I have thought that as well.. I just don't want to play games..., and it would make the entire thing public..

But I do think I am ready to take that step... it would make her face it, and i think the pain of having her family find out would bring it home a bit as well... I would like to avoid that if possible though...

You shouldn't tell family/friends purely to hurt her, but you shouldn't let the fear of them finding out stop you from doing what you feel you need to do to either leave her or make this work. It was her mistake and you shouldn't have to suffer in order to help her keep it a secret.

[SONOMAMA29]

gonenuts, its immature to "get back " at her by cheating. You were the supportive husband, you followed what you PROMISED to her 12 years ago on your wedding day, you were faithfull, a great father, help her further her schooling and her career, had faith in her that she loved you and would stay true to you and maintain her marriage with honesty. If it wasent going to be that guy that weekend, it would have been someone else a different weekend. She doesn't want to divorce you? Why should she? She is having her cake and eating it to. You will never get over this, yes I'm sure she knows know that it was a mistake, but were not 19? She knew it was a mistake when she was doing it. I give you credit for even being able to kiss her or have relations with her. She disrespected herself, you and her kids by sleeping with another MARRIED MAN? For her needs? You needed her to be true, you needed her to be your wife? What are you needs? Do you ever want to be in a happy relationship? With someone you will never have to doubt anymore? Is she really going to the store? Who will be there? Who is she texting all day at work? Is this how you want to live? I really feel for you. Your feeling will never change. Good luck

[hungtoronto]

Gonenuts,


I know it's wrong to cheat on someone but I can see that your wife never been with anyone but you. She doesn't have the experience that a lot of us has. Woman like that are very vulnerable. Too bad it happened to you. The fact that she tells you everything it shows that she's honest but sometime being too honest is not good as it kills you. But I think honesty is a quality.

You've been together for 12 years. How many marriage last that long nowaday? Last time I heard divorce rate is like 50%. Everyone makes mistakes, if you were with her for one or two years I say divorce her but you guys been together for a long time. I think you should try to work things out if this one time cheating is your only problem.

[Kitkat22]

Gonenuts,


I know it's wrong to cheat on someone but I can see that your wife never been with anyone but you. She doesn't have the experience that a lot of us has. Woman like that are very vulnerable. Too bad it happened to you. The fact that she tells you everything it shows that she's honest but sometime being too honest is not good as it kills you. But I think honesty is a quality.

You've been together for 12 years. How many marriage last that long nowaday? Last time I heard divorce rate is like 50%. Everyone makes mistakes, if you were with her for one or two years I say divorce her but you guys been together for a long time. I think you should try to work things out if this one time cheating is your only problem.

Trust is gone...

[gonenuts]

I told her last night that I am thinking of leaving... I just laid out how I was feeling... How I can not get over it. NO accusations. No yelling.. just laying it out.

We have always communicated well, and been respectful with each other... up until this happened we hardly ever raised our voices with each other...

For her part, it is over in her mind. She has a "heathy" outlook on it.. I feel like I am the one that is stuck..

She has told me that she is committed to our relationship. She reaffirms that often... She feels like she is doing the best she can to brings things back. She says she knows it will never be the same, but that we have a good future together.

Again, last night she told me that she is not going anywhere, and that she wants to be with me.

I just don't know if that is enough... I do not trust that she does love me...

For me as I go through this process it is as if the better I feel about US the worse the hangover or backlash. After times when I feel really connected to her, really together... eventually it hits me again what she has done... and the weight of it in light of how good I feel brings it all crashing down again... I am reminded of how broken it has become...

I believe that she is sorry, I believe that she will not do it again... but I don't think I trust it... or that I am getting what I need... I am not really sure what that is or even how to ask for it...

She is trying.. I just wonder if I am so scarred that it even matters anymore...

She is the poison and the cure... sometimes I avoid looking at her... because when I do I get a vision of her with him...

I feel crazy... I really do... The stress of it has aged us both...

Again thanks for all of the insightful comments...

[Kitkat22]

I told her last night that I am thinking of leaving.... I just laid out how I was feeling... How I can not get over it. NO accusations. no yelling.. just laying it out.

We have always communicated well, and been respectful with each other... up until this happened we hardly ever raised our voices with each other...

For her part, it is over in her mind. She has a "heathy" outlook on it.. I feel like I am the one that is stuck..

She has told me that she is committed to our relationship. She reaffirms that often... She feels like she is doing the best she can to brings things back. She says she knows it will never be the same, but that we have a good future together.

Again, last night she told me that she is not going anywhere, and that she wants to be with me.

I just don't know if that is enough... I do not trust that she does love me....

For me as I go through this process it is as if the better I feel about US the worse the hangover or backlash. After times when I feel really connected to her, really together... eventually it hits me again what she has done... and the weight of it in light of how good I feel brings it all crashing down again... I am reminded of how broken it has become...

I believe that she is sorry, I believe that she will not do it again.... but I don't think I trust it... or that I am getting what I need... I am not really sure what that is or even how to ask for it....

She is trying.. I just wonder if I am so scarred that it even matters anymore ...

She is the poison and the cure.... sometimes I avoid looking at her... because when I do I get a vision of her with him.....

I feel crazy... I really do... The stress of it has aged us both...

Again thanks for all of the insightful comments....

Talk to a minister or a counselor.. If your marriage can be saved and you want that.. You need help... you both do. Please know my prayers are with you. Blessings

[SONOMAMA29]

I believe that you will stay with her andyou will let this depression, guilt, pain and uncontrolible torture kill you. I really feel bad for you. You sound like a wonderful husband and you "wife" doesn't deserve you. Sure a minister will make you work it out no 1 wants 2 get divorced exp. When kids are involved, they see the difference in you both and they know something is up. Good luck with faking "your happy family", seriously good luck to you. I do wish you the best.

[nonny]

Try a small forgiveness exercise!!

I would like to say that the only thing that I have learnt and personally experienced is that if you want to move on in life you have to forgive those that have wronged you and further forgive yourself for the being the fool in the first place. Or if you have done the wrong, then again, self forgiveness is required.

Now, forgiveness does not mean that you go out and start associating with the person that has wronged you. Or you start to party, or invite them back into your life. Forgiveness has a simple procedure and I would urge you to try it.

Step 1: Sit alone in your room - close your eyes and imagine the person that you want to forgive standing or sitting in front of you - smiling (this is the difficult part)

Step 2: Mentally state to the person " I give you love, I give you peace, I forgive you" - Say this about 10 times.

Step 3: Repeat the above process about 3 times a day

I guarantee that the person himself/herself will come back and apologise to you and you won't care one way or another.

Warm regards,

Nonny ([email protected])

[nonny]

I would like to say that the only thing that I have learnt and personally experienced is that if you want to move on in life you have to forgive those that have wronged you and further forgive yourself for the being the fool in the first place. Or if you have done the wrong, then again, self forgiveness is required.

Now, forgiveness does not mean that you go out and start associating with the person that has wronged you. Or you start to party, or invite them back into your life. Forgiveness has a simple procedure and I would urge you to try it.

Step 1: Sit alone in your room - close your eyes and imagine the person that you want to forgive standing or sitting in front of you - smiling (this is the difficult part)

Step 2: Mentally state to the person " I give you love, I give you peace, I forgive you" - Say this about 10 times.

Step 3: Repeat the above process about 3 times a day

I guarantee that the person himself/herself will come back and apologise to you and you won't care one way or another.

Warm regards,

Nonny

[Gemini54]

I believe that she is sorry, I believe that she will not do it again... but I don't think I trust it... or that I am getting what I need... I am not really sure what that is or even how to ask for it...

She is trying.. I just wonder if I am so scarred that it even matters anymore...

She is the poison and the cure... sometimes I avoid looking at her... because when I do I get a vision of her with him...

I feel crazy... I really do... The stress of it has aged us both...

In the end you will need to make a choice. But before you make that choice you should attempt to get some perspective on the whole thing.

Are you able to speak to a counsellor on your own?

I don't think that there is an easy solution for your dilemma, pain and anguish, but I do think that you need professional help so that you can move on from this 'stuck' place that you find yourself in.

The way things are going, your marriage is going to be destroyed regardless of whether you stay or leave. So I'd suggest you need to be proactive and do something constructive about what choice you're going to make. I'd also suggest that at this point in time it's not a process you can undertake with your wife as you view her as part of the problem.

Get yourself to a counselor and start sorting through this - it has gone on for far too long and you'll go bananas if you don't take back some control.

[Kitkat22]

In the end you will need to make a choice. But before you make that choice you should attempt to get some perspective on the whole thing.

Are you able to speak to a counsellor on your own?

I don't think that there is an easy solution for your dilemma, pain and anguish, but I do think that you need professional help so that you can move on from this 'stuck' place that you find yourself in.

The way things are going, your marriage is going to be destroyed regardless of whether you stay or leave. So I'd suggest you need to be proactive and do something constructive about what choice you're going to make. I'd also suggest that at this point in time it's not a process you can undertake with your wife as you view her as part of the problem.

Get yourself to a counselor and start sorting through this - it has gone on for far too long and you'll go bananas if you don't take back some control.

This is wonderful advice and you should read it and start getting help. Gemini54 ia very right:)