[clickaus]

My new wife looks so hot with she dresses in her short skirt and tights. She is open and friendly, she is asian and new to this country want to improve her english, always polite and worries about offending people.
I am a little insecure about my appearance as I am a little overweight. On occasions I have noticed that she takes notice if an OK looking guy walks past, it does bother me.
Because of her nature I am worried the guys who are much braver than me in approaching women will try to 'score' and my wife just thinking she is making a new friend who could help with her english. She just doesn't see the danger in this. I just see it as potential threat. We have talked about this an it usually end up with her being upset thinking that I am just a jealous guy. Perhaps I am. How do I approach this? Any help will be welcome.

[JoeCanada76]

Well stop being so insecure for one.

You always questioning her, is not good. It will just show that you are jealous and instead of staying with you. She will eventually find someone else because of the way you have acted.

You are newly married and already worried about her. She is sexy, guys will look or want to score but guess what. It is her decision on whether she does anything with anybody.

I would assume marriage means something to both of you, how long have you known her for?

Just because she looks hot does not mean anything, just because you have self esteem issues about yourself are your own issues. Stop making it hers too.

[clickaus]

Thanks
I have know her a short time really, she has a teenage daughter so I know she wouldn't do anything to jeopardise the marriage.

You are right, insecurity is my problem. I am just afraid that if she accepts an invitation for coffee from on of these, currently fictional, guys they will see at 'that was easy' but again she will see it as gaining a friend. And of course, now she knows my thinking will be hesitant in talking to me about it... but I know I can't say, you are not allowed to have friends... just not male friends. I feel sick just thinking about the 'what ifs'. Therapy right?


She made the comment after seeing photos of my family, 'Oh, your brother is more handsome than you'. When I mentioned it hurt my feelings, she said it was just a joke.

I want to talk to her more about want she thinks and how she feels about different things so I can get to be comfortable with her/my feelings, but the more I ask her questions then more it seems I am being a being paranoid by making up scenarios in my head. Therapy, I know.

[JoeCanada76]

Counseling is important. You know what do not think that your alone. We have all needed guidance and one point or another in life. What needs to be figured out is why are you so stuck on the what ifs. Friends do not equal sex. Why do you think that she will be that easy?

Do you have female friends? How does your wife feel about female friends.

Be quite honest with you I have been married for 5 years. My wife knows that I get along with women better then men. Most of my friends are women, not men. Does that mean I want to have sex with any of my women friends, or have some sort of relationship with any of my women friends. The answer is no.

You need to stop thinking of the what ifs, and start thinking about what is there with you right now. Your married, you have a step daughter and friends can be just friends.

The what ifs might never happen and if they ever did then deal with it then, but what your doing is creating a problem that does not even exist... Which will and might send your wife running else where. I know you do not want that.

Good luck with everything and get some counseling that will help you work through your issues. Hope you work past them and actually enjoy your marriage...

[vanheart]

"New wife"

I would have that you guys worked all of this out before.

But..

I would communicate with her how you feel when she acts or says those things. Make a times to do that. Don't shove stuff under the carpet.
That's a bad start. Honesty is always best.

And also take a look at yourself and your insecurities. Lots of button pushing going on.

All good relationships are built on trust. Whether it be romantic or not. Friends, family, co-workers, whoever.

Get on this one before it turns into something else.

[mineedhelp]

Be honest with her how you feel. Why did u guys get married if you didn't know anything about her? And her you? I have learned that being jealous only makes it worse. You have to be comfortable with who you are. Maybe like the others have said marriage counseling is a really good option here.

[JoeCanada76]

What everybody is missing here too, is there is defiantly a culture difference, language difference and it can become a barrier and tear things apart. It is not easy being with somebody from a different culture, different language because there will be misunderstandings and thoughts that might be different.

For me personally, even if somebody is more attractive say according to your wife. Your brother is more attractive. That does not necessarily mean it is better or that she would be more willing to be with your brother. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and everybody sees things differently but not most important aspect of a marriage or partnership. Nor should it be.

[clickaus]

Thank you, it helped to actually put the words down.
I have female friends, one of 12 years who is married and has a daughter. She seems to know me better than me. My wife has met her and her family and has asked me some questions but I don't know for sure how she feels.
As you do, I get along better with women than men, and when I was single, did I want to have sex with my friend of 12 years, you bet, but I knew that wasn't going to happen although I always hoped. Generally speaking, I have always believed that a guy will always be a friend to a woman, married or single, in the hope that somewhere down the track something will happen at some point. So that's where I get my paranoia from.
Thanks for listening and your feedback... it did help..
Had a call earlier from my wife who mentioned that her friend Kelly was free today and was meeting her at the shopping mall... she called about two hours later asking how my day was, I asked about hers and whether she catch up with Kelly... No not Kelly, Kevin [her old flatmate, who happens to live in an apartment across the road from us]. I brushed it aside, but I wasn't really happy about that. Just left me with a big knot in the stomach. Counselling may be the answer. Thank again


Thanks Vanheart and Mineedhelp
We met a short while ago, I had a good feeling about her, the right age for me and she has a daughter so I felt she was stable. I asked to marry me shortly afterwards, she said yes. Now of course we are getting to know about each others quirks. And I am discovering how insecure I am because of my appearance and because of past bad relationships. But she is beautiful and I do feel as though I am the luckiest man in the world.


I was curious the other day as I couldn't reach my wife by phone so I logged on the track her phone and found she was at the local TAFE, I called her and got through I asked where she was, she answered 'oh at the shopping mall'.. clearly she wasn't.. I mentioned that it didn't sound like a shopping mall, she replied 'oh I am not in the centre yet'
When I got home and asked how her day was, she said it was OK, and I was going the toilet at the library across the road from the shopping mall when you called. Of course I couldn't tell her that she was a liar because I saw the GPS location, but I was puzzled as to why she could say she was where she was. Why lie. I tried to be honest about my feelings but again it just came out that I was a jealous guy... sorry guys for the burden. I truly appreciate the feedback

[JoeCanada76]

Clickaus,

I am sorry to say that your story keeps getting bigger and bigger and I have just been answering based on the info you give. After I give my thoughts then all this other stuff comes out of the wood work. Hard to answer, and keep changing answers based on all this newer information.

MARRIAGE COUNSELING A MUST. Can not get any clearer then that. Going over everything is just going to make your second guessing about her even worse.

[clickaus]

Thanks again... counselling OK. It is me not her I am sure

[JoeCanada76]

Maybe it is both of you, but since your married. It would be good for you both to learn how to work together as a married couple.

[vanheart]

I understand the cultural differences.

But you knew that. Right?

"We met a short while ago, I had a good feeling about her, the right age for me and she has a daughter so I felt she was stable. I asked to marry me shortly afterwards, she said yes. Now of course we are getting to know about each others quirks."

What you said was very honest & key. To why you are with her & your expectations. What about hers?

The more you communicate with her the better.

Ask her. Make sure those reasons are not just words, but actual actions & reality. On both of your parts. And continue that way.

Both giving equally.

Maybe you both are hung up on her beauty. What's underneath?

If its cultural, work that out. Regardless, whatever culture, religion or background, treat ones as you wish to be treated.

Human level stuff.

Sounds like you rushed into this. How long did you know her before?

[clickaus]

We have know each other just a few months.
Met in Early January, went on a mini break on 26 Jan and Proposed, married March 7.
You have a good point ' What about hers?' As in why is she with me and what are her expectations. She was brutely honest with me when I asked her to 'go steady' for want of a modern vernacular, she said that I wasn't so handsome but she can see and feel that I am an honest sincere guy. Which is why I get hung up when she mentions that someone is handsome or when I notice her checking out other guys.
And yes my family and some friends suggest that I rushed into it but I was just so tired of being alone and wanting a stable relationship this lady seemed to fit the bill.

[vanheart]

I hear a lot of handsome & beautiful, but not a whole lot underneath.

Talk to her about all of this. Don't be afraid to do so.

If not, then you will be at the mercy of unjustified thoughts.

You're married. And off to an unstable start.

Sort it out w/her now. Not later.

Maybe take a REAL hard look at why you got with her, proposed, and married her.

Is she it?

[vanheart]

Im an art director and my ex was a stylist.

Believe me, there was a lot of handsome & beautiful in our lives.

Superficial. Real beauty is is within.

And recognizing that.

[emopunk7]

I'm going to have to be the one to say it. She is making you feel insecure. She is the probem in that aspect. I see nothing good coming out of this. You just met and you are married? This has red flags all over. You need counceling ASAP! This is crazy! What have you done? What are you doing? You failed to date long enough to know what you were getting into and it seems like you are paying for your mistakes. Sorry to say, but you don't know your wife at all. You went way too fast and now you're crashing and burning. I hate divorce but it seems like it's your only hope for a good life.I'm so sorry for you! Good luck man.

[Gemini54]

Um, I read you original and then your subsequent posts and my heart sank. You've only known her 3 months, she's a different nationality to you, she's really good looking, and you don't know her at all.

My alarm bells are ringing here. Did she marry you to stay in the country or to get citizenship?

I honestly apologize if I'm making an assumption or a judgment here but from what you've written I can't see that the marriage was based on love - she married you (quote) because you're an honest not a handsome guy (unquote), you married her because she's hot and now you're worried because she checks out other guys, and seemingly meets them for coffee, and goes to the TAFE not the shopping mall.

Um, I suspect you may have reason to be concerned. What is your marriage really based on?

[vanheart]

Lots of truth there.

You don't even know each other.
How do you connect, daily?

Sounds like she's an opportunist with a kid, sick of struggling &looking for some nice guy.
To love, screw, if she has to & support her.

All the while she's looking for a better sugar daddy.

Talk to her. You obviously can do that if you married her.

[talaniman]

How old are you both?

Does she work?

Did she have her own things when you met, or was she living at home with parents?

How does she support herself?

How did you meet?

What do you know of her background?

What is your background, and career?

I don't care how long, or detailed your responses are, but need the information to form an opinion.

You jumped into this, now you have to deal with it. Without establishing communications, neither of you can make this work. You have so much to learn about one another, or you will crash and burn. Yes you have personal issues, but I have many questions. Many, as there is a lot of work to be done.

[clickaus]

Thanks to you all. Everyone seems to have a valid observation.

Talaniman
Answers to your questions.
I am 55 she is 43, her daughter 17
Currently she doesn't work [too much time on her hands] as she is here on a Guardian visa whilst her daughter is studying [under 18]. She had a few things as she planned only to be here for 2 years, in China she has her own place. So I guess she has budgeted to be here for two year whilst the daughter's father support her school fees.
We met online, dating agency, as soon as we established we were an item we both cancelled our subscription.
In China she is a Medical Practitioner, big family of 2 brothers 4 sisters [she is number 3].
Up to now, she has been there for me in every way, she appears to be genuine in her intentions. Can't be sure that she married for love although she says she loves me, usually after I say so to her. Sex is good although she isn't an overly affectionate or adventurous whereas I am, in my looking for the re-assurance I guess.
I tend to over analyse all actions and non-actions looking for answers/acknowledgements to my insecurities/uncertainties etc.
I truly love this person and would be comfortable the rest of my life, in an uncomplicated life and she has said she is looking for the same I just need re-assurance that is so. Constantly.
I understand that different culture and language are at play here and maybe sometimes there is a misunderstanding because of this, I just need to be re-assured that she isn't consciensly out looking for 'a better model', in the guise of meeting new friends to improve her english.
Happy to say more if needed. Thanks everyone for your input