[Newguy2009]

So I was surfin the web today, on a dating site ,and came across this one persons profile that really threw me for a loop. In the about me section she states this:

"For my own professional reasons I can not provide a photo until I have spoken with you. To tell you about me, I am in a committed relationship,but he allows me to be intimate with others. I love life, love to have fun and enjoy others who know how to appreciate the world around them.
I prefer non smokers and clean educated people.It's also a preference that my encounters be recorded for my fiance'. Any questions, feel free to ask."


I said that she was a sick person and needed professional help. Was I wrong I mean how can you say that you are in a committed relationship when you have sex with other men in the presence of your fiancé,

Anyway this was the responsce she gave me...


"You pathetic ugly man..lol Who and What are you to judge me and my fiance and our lifestyle? It is obvious that you have a poor grasp on the life that you lead to point the finger at me you cowaring piece of fecal matter. How dare you condescend to me like I am beneath you, you over bearing pig. I am very much an adult;therefore I require no guidance from you. Do you have any idea how many emails I receive a day for men begging to **** me and wanting my future husband to watch? Apparently you have no clue and no clue in knowing what my relationship consists of. Do yourself a favor and go **** yourself because no one has the interest in ****ing you - you worthless ***hole!"

My question is, do relationships like this ever work out? Where a husband allows his wife to have sex with other guys and says that's a commitment? Wheres the logic? I was blown away, I mean I know there are swingers and all but I just don't understand how you can say you are committed iff you are banging everyone else in site while your "so called partner" watches or videotapes.l

Well just thought I would post this. Im not even sure it's a question, maybe it should go under the humor section, LOL.

[Gemini54]

I was more horrified by her response to you rather than what she wants to do with the endorsement of her fiancée! I mean really, if she's so secure in this relationship and what she does, why bother to reply with such vitriol?

Anyway, that doesn't answer your question.

Who can know if relationships like this work out ? - sometimes they do, sometimes they don't. Human sexuality is endlessly diverse and inventive - and people interpret 'commitment' in all sorts of ways... my attitude is, if it works for them, then it's not up to me to judge.

Just because some of us may choose not to behave like this doesn't make it wrong for others - I mean, they are consenting adults and they choose to explore their sexuality in this way.

Perhaps next time you might withhold your opinion and simply view it as part of the rich tapestry of life - telling her she was sick and needed professional help was just, in the end, a judgment.

It might not be your version of commitment, but clearly it's theirs! (Even though that may seem odd and deluded to you.)

[Synnen]

I was more horrified by HIS response, frankly.

What made you think you had the right to --rudely, I might add--comment on a situation that is not your own? You deserved her response--she was most DEFINITELY not asking for your commentary on her situation.

What happens between consenting adults is THEIR business.

I do know SEVERAL couples that have open marriages and it works just fine. Aside from the social taboo against it--how can you say that someone is not committed because of their lifestyle? If her husband is okay with it, and she's okay with it, and the guys she has sex with are okay with it---where's the problem?

The thing with open marriages is this: It requires an extreme amount of trust. You have to trust that your partner is being honest with you about EVERY aspect of not only YOUR relationship, but about any relations that happen with OTHER people.

Most people are too insecure to trust that much, frankly.

[Catsmine]

Newguy, you asked if you were wrong in (I'm assuming) calling her relationship sick. Very very much so. Do you send out judgemental e-mails to gay/lesbian dating site advertisers? How about the BDSM community? Are BBW lovers unhealthy? What about Cougars?

Your other question was about the longevity of open relationships. If I recall correctly, the 2006 Playboy poll said that they are more stable than monogamous relationships, statistically speaking. I think that may be a function of only the more stable partners responding, but I distrust statistics of any kind.

[Cat1864]

At least she is open and honest about what she wants and expects. They are consenting adults playing with consenting adults. Too many people go on those sites without the knowledge or acceptance of their partners. Just read the relationship boards here.

If I ever placed an add like hers (okay, everyone stop laughing, you need to breathe) and got a response like yours telling me that I am sick and need professional help, my response would make hers look tame. IF you are going to continue looking at dating sites, do so with an open mind. The internet is full of people who see relationships in a variety of ways. Commitment is between the people involved.

What works in my relationship might not work in any relationship you enter into. What works for you and anyone you are with might not work for me.

[hollylovesbrandon]

Those who pass judgement will be judged. It is none of your business. You do your thing and she does hers. You should not have posted anything because it's none of your business. Either accept it as a reality of the world or just go jump off a bridge. Because if you judge that much and you really are that closed minded to what is going on in the world around you then that's exactly what you need to do, jump off a bridge. A really tall one, I might add.

[slapshot_oi]

My question is, do relationships like this ever work out? where a husband allows his wife to have sex with other guys and says thats a commitment? wheres the logic?

Lol, well, she obviously wears the pants in the relationship.

I met a swinger couple, husband and wife, at a bar. I'll leave the story at that, but they seemed happy and they've been at it for a couple years, so, I guess they do sometimes work out. I should add they both had kids with previous marriages, so they already did the monogamy thing.

Open relationships can be risky business because there's always a whacko out there who'll end up falling in love with her and will do whatever he has to, to come between her and her fiancée.

[smoothy]

Jeese Lousie...

She has a bit of a chip on her shoulder doesn't she.

Personally... I wouldn't have answered her in the first place, I'm sure a judgemental email set her off,. but damn... she sounds like a real pleasant sort of lady... NOT!

Be glad you aren't the poor SOB that has to come home to THAT temper every night.

And her having that sort of attitude really doesn't have anything to do with the Swinger or "OPEN" lifestyle at all. I'll bet she has a "LOT" of friends... and I'm being sarcastic there.

[Newguy2009]

Dang, I guess I made a lot of people angry on here. It was just a question. Do relationships like this work?

No its not my buissness what other people do in the privacy of their homes and maybe I should have kept my opinion to myself but I was looking at it from more of a religious point of view. You know, adultry?

Im not judjemental of gays/lesbians either. Like I said what you do with your life is not for me to judge but believing in God, I do think its wrong but that's my opinion

[Cat1864]

Dang, I guess I made a lot of people angry on here. It was just a question. do relationships like this work?

No its not my buissness what other people do in the privacy of their homes and maybe I should have kept my opinion to myself but I was looking at it from more of a religious point of view. you know, adultry?

Since they aren't married, adultery isn't really the correct term. Fornication would be the proper term. Either way it is their lifestyle that may or may not extend into their marriage should it actually occur.

This couple, having to assume that her ad is the truth, have found something that works for them. There may be reasons he has no issues with her seeing other people. This could be their way of coping with a situation that she isn't advertising. He could have health problems that limit what he can do sexually. He could be spending months in a place separate from her and she may give him the same leeway he gives her. It doesn't mean that they aren't committed to each other in every other way or that they don't love each other with all of their hearts.

You may have touched on a very sore point for her/them. Telling her that she is sick and needs professional help may have hit hard on why they have the relationship they have.

Quite frankly, if you really want to look at dating sites, you might want to stick with those that share the same values and ideals as you do. Just be prepared to hold your fingers/tongue when you see an ad that appears to be against your beliefs.

[smoothy]

Wanted to clarify a point I was making...

While you might have hit a raw nerve commenting to her ( and was likely not the best thing to have done).and she sounds like someone who walks around LOOKING for anything to take offense to... it didn't justify her responding the way she answered either. After all, she put the ad up and could get answers from any and all readers. She should show the maturity to expect some she won't like.

Things have a way of coming around... and if she ever contracts Herpes or worse... I'm sure it will be someone else's fault and not her own. I could read that into her answer... I've known far too many "know-it-alls" in my life... and she sounds just like them.

[Synnen]

If you were looking at the question from a religious point of view, the question should have been on the religion boards, really.

I'm not Christian. I don't believe in the Bible, and don't feel the need to follow all of its rules. Maybe the couple in your example are ALSO not Christian?

I did answer your question: Those that go into open relationships with the right mindset, rules, and trust can make their relationship work regardless. Those who do it JUST to please their partner, or do it because they're dissatisfied with their current relationship are doomed to fail.

And I'm sorry if I came off as angry with you--but what you did was at the HEIGHT of poor etiquette. There was absolutely ZERO reason for you to contact her and pass your judgement.

Even if they ARE a Christian couple--Doesn't the Bible say that GOD shall pass judgement, not man? Wouldn't the better response have been to not contact her, but to pray for her?

[hollylovesbrandon]

Not everyone is religious. You should not have based an opinion on a religious viewpoint either. You should have shut up and just left it alone. Because you think it's wrong doesn't mean it's wrong for everyone. I, like Synnen, don't follow the rules of the bible and personally think it's all just a bunch of mumbo jumbo. But, I also think that what makes this world as good (or as bad) as it is is the diversity in the people who live in it. Without diversity... we'd all be you... or her... and no one wants that.

[Catsmine]

Im not judjemental of gays/lesbians either. like I said what you do with your life is not for me to judge but believing in God, I do think its wrong but thats my opinion

Did you consider checking for personals in your Church's newsletter? Many churches share a newsletter with affiliated congregations in the area. I'm looking for a way for you to find dates without running into people you have trouble with.

You could also attend fundraisers at other churches to meet people. Blessings on your faith, I express mine differently.