[adro_is_hurting]

Hi everyone. This is my first post on this site, but I think people on this site will be able to help me. It's a long story, but I will try to include as many important parts as possible. Sorry in advance for the long post!

So me and this girl have been going out for a little more than 3 yrs. When we first met she was 16 and I was 19 (almost 20). She was a junior in high school, I was a sophomore in college. (Yea a little young). I met her through a mutual friend who was going to my college and went to her high school. She comes from a privileged family, her dad is a lawyer and her mom works for apple. I come from a poor household, my family could not provide me with a lot of nice things. She has everything, I have nothing. When we first met she was quiet, really shy, anti-social, no self confidence, and she always thought she was ugly and fat. On top of that, she had a bad drug problem with meth. I was having my own drug problems also at that time. When we first got together, it was all about the drugs. But then I realized the direction my life was going towards and wanted to change my life. I sobered up and refocused on school. She drew inspiration from this, and we helped each other get off drugs, refocused on school, and reconnect with our families. She has always given me credit for saving her, but she saved me as well. She was my hero, and I was her hero. I always saw the potential in her, I knew she could always be a better person. As our relationship grew, so did she. She became more social, trusting, full of confidence, out going, and now she even thinks she beautiful. We really grew up and blossomed while together, and it was beautiful. We fell in love really fast.

Our relationship was so good for a long time. We grew up with each other and were crazy for each other. We always wanted to see each other, hang out, kiss, make love, everything together. We had little problems, but nothing major. She thought I was amazing. I was her first everything. First major boyfriend, major relationship, first sex partner, everything. She wasn't my first anything. I never did her wrong, always gave her my all. Of course we didn’t see eye to eye on everything, but we always made it work. In the beginning, she worked part time (like 18 hours a week) and went to school. I was working part time (about 22 hours a week) and going to college, but we still had time for each other. We were deep in love.

Her first year of college changed our relationship a little bit. She went to a school a little farther away from me and moved into the dorms over there, but it was OK because I worked five minutes away from her mom's house. I would see her for a little bit after work or on my lunch whenever she was home. Then my hours went up at work. I accepted a position where I was working about 35 hours a week, and still going to college full time. This strained our relationship a little bit, but we made it work. We were still deep in love.

Then came the summer. In July of 2009 she went to study abroad in Mexico for a month. Our communication was very limited, maybe 2 or 3 emails a week, and it drove me crazy. I wasn't use to that, and it took me a little while to get use to it. When she came back, I noticed something was a little different. She wasn't trying to see me as much, but it was only a little bit. She started to do her own thing a little bit more, but I was OK with that. I’m not the type of guy who won't let her do anything, I give her all the freedom in the world. I knew it part of her growing up, and I respected that. My only rule is to stay true to me. We were still really good and really in love.

So then in January of this year (2010), she went to study abroad again for another month. Our communication was again limited, and again I hated it. I missed her so bad and just wanted her back. I started to feel as if she was leaving me in the rear view mirror. When she came back we talked about it and she said she would work on it. She then became really close with her new dorm mates at school. The girls she lives with are party girls. All they do is party, go out, get wasted. She started hanging around campus more and coming home less. We started to see each other less and less. It got down to a point where we would see each other once a week or once every 2 weeks. And we would not talk a lot, barely any communications. A lot of it was our schedules. When I start school in the morning she’s still sleeping, when I’m out of school she’s in class or at work, when she’s out of class or work I’m at work, when I get off work she’s busy doing something. This really strained our relationship, barely any communication. It got to a point where we would send each other like 3-4 texts a day. I would voice my displeasure of this, but she always seemed cool with our situation. We talked about this and she said she would try to change her attitude and not make me feel left behind. It would get a little better, but not much. I thought we would get through it, I thought we were still in love.

We were arguing more and more now. Little things would turn into big arguments. The few times we would see each other, we wouldn’t be as happy as we use to be. I felt a disconnect growing between us. And I didn’t do anything about it, I would just brush it off. That’s where I am at fault, by not addressing the problem when it first came up. Also, I would be angry that she wouldn’t be getting at me, or taking hella long to respond to me. So then I would do the same with her, and now looking back this aided the distance between us grow. Our 3 year anniversary was march 4th and my birthday was march 15th. We spent the whole two days with each other, and we couldn’t even be 100% happy with each other, but we still had lots of fun with one another. I felt really unappreciated and felt like she was taking me for granted. I began to have doubts on whether I wanted to stay in the relationship or not. But I kept trying to fix the problems and make it work. It was very one sided and I began to grow tired of this. I got tired of her wanting to party and hang out with friends rather than hang out with me. I felt our love starting to disappear.

Then came march 31st. I finally got the courage to ask her if she felt a disconnect between us. She said yes, I asked her why and she said she didn’t know. She asked me why and I said I felt it was because she was falling out of love with me. She said she didn’t feel the same love for me as she use to. She said she’s a completely different person now than she was when we first met. I asked how do we fix this, and she said she needs a break. She says she needs a break to truly appreciate everything I offer and everything I do for her. She says she doesn’t know why she takes me for granted. And that the break will make her miss me a lot more. She says she needs to hit rock bottom to realize it. (This is true about her, she’s really hard headed. You can tell her all you want but she won't listen until something bad happens, then she’ll learn.) Of course I didn’t want the break and suggested doing other things. Like blocking out everything when we hang out and to truly enjoy the time together we have, even if its not that much. She said she really really the break and thought it was the only way to save us. She said on the break, she will focus on the stuff I use to do and focus on missing it. So I gave it to her. I let her know everything she was risking like losing me, her not wanting to come back, or 1 of us finding someone else. She says she’s not looking for someone else, but I told her when we got together we weren’t looking for each other, it just happened. She was willing to risk it. She said she would come back to me. She kept saying how she was confident she would come back to me. That people don’t realize what they have till its gone, that distance makes the heart grow fonder. Her rules for the break: no hooking up of any kind with other people, no physical interaction, and limited communication. She wanted 2 months, I said I might not be around in two months. She says she’s sure in like a month she’ll miss me so much and come back to me. We went on break march 31st, on Easter she called me twice and I didn’t answer her calls. I wanted NC to really make her miss me, I want to be out of the picture. She hasn’t tried to communicate with me since then. Its been 11 days since we last talked.

I’m going crazy without her. I always think of her and I hella miss her. I love her a lot still and can't get her out of my mind. Everything reminds me of her, reminds me of us. I’m more inattentive in school, and unfocused at work. I know I wrote a lot, but its because I’m so confused. I hella want her to come back to me, but at the same time I don’t know if me and her can work now. I deserve better don’t I? I feel like she ran away from me when we could have just worked it out like adults. I feel like she’s shelving me until she decides she wants me again. But I really want to give me and her a second chance, because I don’t just want to throw away 3 years of hard work and love. I’m the type of person who gives their all to whatever they’re doing. I hate leaving something or a situation where I know I didn’t give it my all to fix it. That’s why I want to give her a second chance, I hate quitting because all you think of for the rest of your life is “what if,” and that what if feeling sucks.

The first few days were torture. I thought about her once every like 2 minutes. Cried a lot. I had dreams about her and I saw a little reminder of her everywhere I go. Its still hella hard to cope, but its getting a little better. I don’t cry as much anymore, but I still think about her a lot. And a lot of what ifs. I try to say that since I’m her 1st relationship, she doesn’t know how these things work. She thinks that whenever she gets with someone, it’ll always be as good as me and her were. She has never been done dirty, never been done wrong. She can't appreciate the good, because she’s never felt the bad. So a part of me still believes that our relationship can be saved.

So what do I do? I have many questions. Like how long do I give her, the full 2 months? Should I start to move on and act like we’re broken up? When people ask if I have a girlfriend, what should I say? Is our relationship really over and I’m just not accepting it yet? How do I get her off my mind? Should I take her back if she wants to come back, will she come back at all? I know NC is the way to go, but its really hard. I’m really close to her family, especially her little sister. I consider her little sister one of my closest friends. She always giving me updates, and she says my gf/ex (whatever she is) is really confused on whether she wants to stay in a relationship with me, she doesn’t know if she wants to be with someone right now. Her little sister told me this son day 7 of the break. I knew that was the real reason for the break. I feel like she’s lying to me, like she wants to break up with me but doesn’t have the guts to do it, so she’s letting me go softly. Any advice and help would be greatly appreciated. Sorry for the long post, but I had to vent right now.

[roxypox]

I'm sorry to say this, but for some people asking for a break is kind of like a copout... NOTE: Not for everyone but for some.. so this might not be the case. But I feel, from your post that you shouldn't be all that surprised if it is the case

Some people who ask for a break feel like it's a softer way to break up with someone, for some a way to let the other person down "easy" and for others a way to let go, but still hold on to that person.

Seeing as she was only 16 when the two of you got together and like you said, you grew up together and you were her first (well everything when it comes to relationships) it might be that she is basically changing... she is experienceing new things and her life is changing.

Personally if I were in your shoes (out of experience I guess, both my own and people around me) I would try to go on with my life... but I wonder, as I read your post, what is your life like without her... you know friends, social life etc. because your post describes a life with her and how its been between the two of you..

Hope this was of some help!
Roxy

[talaniman]

She said she's a completely different person now than she was when we first met. I asked how do we fix this, and she said she needs a break. She says she needs a break to truly appreciate everything I offer and everything I do for her

She was so young, and screwed up when you met, (you both were) but you both have helped each other a lot, and grown better for it. Yes its hard to cut those kinds of bonds, and attachments, and it won't happen over night, but it was inevitable that would happen, as it happens to us all as we grow, and change, and gain life lessons that change us.

The odds were against you, as the years from 15/16 to early twenties is drastic, and profound, and I am sure you can appreciate that her freedom to explore the world, and herself, was bound to happen.

Sorry for your situation, but I think you should appreciate what you had, as being good, but explore who you are without her.

As great as the pain is now, it will eventually fade with the proper healing, and you will see with a clear heart, and head, that your life will have many other options, and opportunities, to be happy with yourself, and the life you build without her in it.

Good luck to you, and read the stickies at the beginning of this forum, for some good insights and instruction from others here who have had to do the same thing you have, so you will know you are hardly alone with your pain, because we all have had to deal with it. And that sucks for sure, and doing No Contact is the pits.

There is a link in my signature.

[Kitkat22]

Spend some time finding out who you are! You'll do great... Good Luck.. :)

[vanheart]

Learn from this one.

And don't forget.

Don't repeat. This won't be the last lesson.

Live in the moments. Enjoy.

[adro_is_hurting]

Thank all you guys for the great advice. This is one of the hardest if not the hardest thing Ive ever had to do in my life. We are on day 12 of NC and its so hard. I feel like I'm on the verge of texting her, how can I stop the urge to communicate? Do I post here for other questions or do I start a new thread?

Merged and edited

She wanted 2 months, but says it could shorter (or longer) and that she will come back and try to work this out. But then why would she leave? I feel like she is just giving me false hope, letting me go gently.

The whole time I knew it was because she was deciding whether she wanted to be in a relationship anymore. I still talk to her little sister (shes one of my closest friends, and wants us back together) to vent and she gives me updates from time to time.

How can I stop the urge to get at her? Should I just accept the fact that she's gone and its over? Should I stop talking to her little sister? How can I stop hurting, stop the crying? Ive heard stories about the break making couples stronger, can this really happen? I hate to feel as if Ive thrown away over 3 yrs of hard work and love, this makes me want to give her another chance. Even if I know I should just walk away and let us die... Any help would be greatly appreciated.

[Kitkat22]

Thank all you guys for the great advice. This is one of the hardest if not the hardest thing Ive ever had to do in my life. We are on day 12 of NC and its so hard. I feel like im on the verge of texting her, how can i stop the urge to communicate? Do i post here for other questions or do i start a new thread?

If it's a question about the same subject you post here. If it's about another subject go to the appropriate site.:) Don't you break the NC promise. Be strong!

[amicon]

Its tough,but do it for yourself and your own healing process.
It does get easier.

Just keep adding to this thread when you need to.

Good luck.

[Kitkat22]

Its tough,but do it for yourself and your own healing process.
It does get easier.

Just keep adding to this thread when you need to.

Good luck.

Stay Strong Sweetie! :)

[talaniman]

I feel like I'm on the verge of texting her, how can I stop the urge to communicate?

For the first time in your adult life, you are facing the all very new CHALLENGE of building a life that you enjoy without HER, or HER FAMILY in it.

You're right, it's a difficult challenge, but that's all it is, is a hard challenge, that can be over come with thought, and PLANNING.

It think it starts with a positive plan to cope with your own feelings.

Have you read the stickies yet?

[Kitkat22]

Merged and edited



She wanted 2 months, but says it could shorter (or longer) and that she will come back and try to work this out. But then why would she leave? i feel like she is just giving me false hope, letting me go gently.

The whole time i knew it was because she was deciding whether or not she wanted to be in a relationship anymore. I still talk to her little sister (shes one of my closest friends, and wants us back together) to vent and she gives me updates from time to time.

How can I stop the urge to get at her? Should I just accept the fact that shes gone and its over? Should i stop talking to her little sister? How can i stop hurting, stop the crying? Ive heard stories about the break making couples stronger, can this really happen? I hate to feel as if Ive thrown away over 3 yrs of hard work and love, this makes me want to give her another chance. Even if I know I should just walk away and let us die.... Any help would be greatly appreciated.

She's gone.. Get over it. Life doesn't always turn out the way you want!
Stop being a carpet and stop wallowing. It's over... Sorry buddy that's all I can say.

[adro_is_hurting]

Oops, I wish I would have read the answers before I put a new thread up, my bad but Im new to this so Im sorry. Yes it is a very hard challenge. My whole life revolved her. I basically left the majority of my old friends because they were bad influences on me. I've made some new friends, but most of my free time was with her. This is why its so hard, I have to change my whole life. I guess my real question is, should I just get at her and tell her I can't wait around no more and its over, or do I give her more time?

[Kitkat22]

oops, I wish i would have read the answers before I put a new thread up, my bad but Im new to this so Im sorry. Yes it is a very hard challenge. My whole life revolved her. I basically left the majority of my old friends becasue they were bad influences on me. I've made some new friends, but most of my free time was with her. This is why its so hard, I have to change my whole life. I guess my real question is, should I just get at her and tell her I can't wait around no more and its over, or do i give her more time?

Don't tell her anything! You owe her nothing! She doesn't care about where you are or how you feel. If you have to change your whole life do it! Sweetie don't make this woman your whole reason for existing. Write it off as a learning experience and get on with living!:)

[adro_is_hurting]

She's gone.. Get over it. Life doesn't always turn out the way you want!
Stop being a carpet and stop wallowing. It's over...Sorry buddy that's all I can say.

My bad if it feels like I'm wallowing, but the pain of the break is still fresh. This was my first true love and I am the type of person who wears their heart on their sleeve kitkat. I give everything I do 100%. Whether its homework, helping my little sister learn to add, being at work, in a relationship, or helping a friend. I now know that this isn't always the best, as people take advantage of you and step on you. Since we haven't "offically" broken up, should I just call and end it?

[talaniman]

Hi Adro, your last new thread was merged with your older one so as not confuse others as we recommend keeping the story in one place so all the facts and updates can be viewed together. Please review the changes made, and feedback is more than welcome, and questions also.

[emopunk7]

You know, I can relate to you. I know the pain, all too well, unfortunately. Pain is a tough emotion to feel. Sometimes it is tough to move onto unfamiliar territory. You know how it was with her and for the most part, you enjoyed it and loved it. Her missing, will push you to new territory, a place where you fear will be worse and alone. We try to grab onto what is most familiar to us so that we don't have to change. We hold on no matter how much pain it causes us because at least we know that pain which is also familiar and moving to new territory may have pain far worse. Being okay before her was natural, but after being with her and then seeing her leave, now makes you feel more alone than ever and that is normal. You have to take a risk and even if it is little by little, you have to go towards new territory. You have to realize that you have to try something to stop feeling this way and that maybe the two of you were brought into each others' lives for a purpose and now that it is fulfilled, it had to end. By the signs you were getting was fate's way of warning you that the purpose has ended and it's time to go.

You will be okay, but you have to continue taking care of yourself. How many people have exs and then come here saying they fell in love and have new problems? This is now your ex and you will have other girlfriends. Just relax and stay busy doing things you enjoy. Make a list and tackle them daily. If I'm doing it and I know it's very hard, so can you! Hang in the buddy.

[adro_is_hurting]

Don't tell her anything! You owe her nothing! She doesn't care about where you are or how you feel. If you have to change your whole life do it! Sweetie don't make this woman your whole reason for existing. Write it off as a learning experience and get on with living!:)

So I should just not talk to her all at anymore? The thing I'm scared of the most is that the last memory I have of seeing her is making passionate and beautiful love together. The last thing we told each other when we went on the break was I love you. Walking away from that is extremely difficult. Its like pulling the plug on a loved on who is on life support, after you had a fun time with them the night before. You know as soon as its done, they die.

[Kitkat22]

My bad if it feels like im wallowing, but the pain of the break is still fresh. This was my first true love and I am the type of person who wears their heart on their sleeve kitkat. I give everything I do 100%. Whether its homework, helping my little sister learn to add, being at work, in a relationship, or helping a friend. I now know that this isnt always the best, as people take advantage of you and step on you. Since we havent "offically" broken up, should i just call and end it?

You are a nice, nice young man and I hate to see nice people being used.

There are probably a hundred girls out there who would love to go out with you.

Break up with her and start slowly seeing other girls. Sometimes women don't know what they have till it's gone and call me Kit.:)

[amicon]

I think you go 100%no contact,including updates on her life from family and her friends.

I know it sucks,and you're hurting,but honestly,why take a break-if the relationship is solid,any misunderstandings and problems are worked out within the relationship,you don't go on breaks.

[adro_is_hurting]

You know, I can relate to you. I know the pain, all too well, unfortunately. Pain is a tough emotion to feel. Sometimes it is tough to move onto unfamiliar territory. You know how it was with her and for the most part, you enjoyed it and loved it. Her missing, will push you to new territory, a place where you fear will be worse and alone. We try to grab onto what is most familiar to us so that we don't have to change. We hold on no matter how much pain it causes us because at least we know that pain which is also familiar and moving to new territory may have pain far worse. Being okay before her was natural, but after being with her and then seeing her leave, now makes you feel more alone than ever and that is normal. You have to take a risk and even if it is little by little, you have to go towards new territory. You have to realize that you have to try something to stop feeling this way and that maybe the two of you were brought into each others' lives for a purpose and now that it is fulfilled, it had to end. By the signs you were getting was fate's way of warning you that the purpose has ended and it's time to go.

You will be okay, but you have to continue taking care of yourself. How many people have exs and then come here saying they fell in love and have new problems? This is now your ex and you will have other girlfriends. Just relax and stay busy doing things you enjoy. Make a list and tackle them daily. If I'm doing it and I know it's very hard, so can you! Hang in the buddy.

Wow man u hit everything right on the head. I can't imagine my life without her, and to hear you call her my ex is heart wrenching. I always felt like me and her were always meant to be. A part of me feels like I owe her my life, because I feel like she saved me from drugs and the street. We saved each other and it really made me feel as if we'd be together forever. I never thought of this the way you put it, that the signs were fate's way of saying our purposed was fulfilled. It makes sense, painful sense, but sense nonetheless. At the same time, I wish I had never met her. Then I wouldn't have to feel this bad.