[lostmom2one]

One week ago my 18 year old son moved out. He and I had an argument over school because he is failing the last semester of his senior year. He was supposed to stay after school to work with the tutor that we hired, but he lied to me and went out with his buddies instead. When I called him out on the lie, he was furious with me. He called one of his friends, who we do not know very well and he just recently met, and left with him. He called the next day to say that he would not be coming home, his friends father is letting him live there. I am devastated, I miss him so much. I didn't see this coming. We haven't even had a chance to talk about the argument. I am so torn, on one hand I want to beg him to come home. But I know if I guilt him into coming home or beg him, I'm afraid that he will do this again the next time he doesn't get his way. I want him to come home when he is ready to come home. My husband keeps telling me that we have to let him figure this out on his own. I trust my husband judgement, he is a great father. My son still texts us occasionally, so I am grateful for that. I'm just so torn and don't know what to do. It feels like a part of me is missing. I tell him I love him every day in texting and he does respond with the same, that he loves me too. I just don't understand why he left. He just keeps saying that he needs to figure some things out. Anyone who has been through this, I would really appreciate some advice. I don't want to push him away, I want him to know that this is always his home and that we love him - and at the same time I do not want to smother him.

[SONOMAMA29]

Dear lostmom, I remember leaving home when I was 19 to live with my BF. My parents were very upset, I was rebelling. I wanted to do what I wanted and at the time I thought it was the right thing. My parents called me once a week and ALWAYS let me know that I can come home whenever I wanted to or needed to. I eventually did. He will come home. Continue to text him, maybe ask him if you can meet him and have dinner with him sometime next week. Don't force him to do anything. I hope I was so what helpful. Goodluck

[Fr_Chuck]

He is out, let him go, if he finds he needs you, then be there, but be sure it is under your rules. Don't let him guilt you into giving in to his way.

If you are paying any of his bills ( cell phone, car and other things ) stop,

[lostmom2one]

Sonomama29 - thank you so much for the advice. We were thinking about inviting him out to dinner this weekend. I am going to give it a try. All he can say is no, right? Thank you so much for your response, it is very encouraging.

Fr_Chuck - We are not giving into guilt and we refuse to play games with him. He knows that if he comes home the rules are still the same. Our basic principles and beliefs are not going to change. He does still have his cell phone, but it is restricted to where it can only call me or his dad. I need to make sure he has access to us. His truck is still at home. I guess that's what bothers me the most. He wanted away from us so bad that he left knowing we would not let him take the truck that was still in our name and on our insurance. He is depending on everyone else for a ride.

I pray that the Lord keeps him safe, out of harms way, and helps him made good decisions. I pray he comes home soon.

[Gemini54]

Your husband has the best advice - let him figure it out.

All children at some stage make a break for freedom - this is his break for freedom and his chance to figure out who he is separate from you.

Worrying won't change anything (except make YOU more anxious). He's safe, he's in contact with you - let him fly.

[SONOMAMA29]

Let me know how the dinner goes, good luck, keep it the conversation light, don't even SPEAK of his coming home, just make it a nice enjoyable time don't even bring anything about your home up. Talk about the weather ( I don't know where you live) and make it very easy conversation. Good luck

[Jake2008]

It doesn't sound like you had any serious trouble before this argument. He's' in his last semester, and not doing well, and not willing to sit with a tutor to get his diploma.

There are some things I would do because I don't get the impression this is so much a rebellion at age 18. There must be something else going on with him.

The first thing I would do is contact the father where he is staying. Tell him that you are grateful that he has a safe place to stay, and you would appreciate him keeping in touch, and you will call now and again to see how he's doing.

Then I would cut off as was suggested, any support from you and your husband. He is old enough at age 18, time to learn a hard lesson about being totally responsible for himself. Cut off the cell phone. Change the locks on the house so he doesn't have access to clean clothes, showers, internet access, the fridge. Make sure he doesn't have access to a car.

Text him to let him know what you have done and that the phone will be cancelled. Tell him as well that he will have to get a job to support himself. No money period.

Then I would say, when he eventually responds by phoning you from a land phone, that you and your husband and him will meet to talk at a mutually agreeable place- say a coffee shop, park, etc.

At that point, provide him with the rules, expectations, and boundaries. Not negotiable.

He goes to summer school. He gets his phone back. He gets a part time job to pay for gas, he can drive the car again. There will be a reasonable curfew. He'll be doing his own laundry, and other chores like cutting the grass.

If you give in now, when you have this opportunity to turn his thinking around, and force him to face real life, he will learn. He'll be a better son, person, and he will also learn life isn't free and he needs to step up and contribute.

I hope you have the courage to take a stand with him, and not sit at home waiting for his call to come home without any consequences and expectations when he does.

[wingsofchange]

My son moved out right after his 18th birthday and he still had the last year of high school to go. He dropped out 4 days later. It's hard being mom and then things like this happen. But we are not to hold onto them, the tighter we hold the more weak our grip will be. I had to come to terms with the thought.
:"let him be" he needs to be left alone so he can figure things out. This will be growth for him NOT you. Things happen for a reason, I was devastated as well and it's been a rough week for me, mine just left on the 24 of this September and I have NOT heard from him.. either by phone or coming by and I don't know where he lives.. so be it. Your no longer the parent the 24/7 of being the parent is gone , your now the advisor and it's a tough role to play.
He needs this time to spread his wings and also to become a man. If you make things easy or let him slip back he will not learn.. He made the choice and sometimes the hardest thing to do is watch them fall or let them make mistakes.. I feel your pain and your heart, my tears have fallen on and off this week and I'm filled with raw emotion, but this too shall pass and everything has a season, start thinking of what you can do in your life now for once instead of catering to him.. and trust me.. I know.. Is my son coming back? I don't know.. do I want him back yes, but not the way it was, like your son mine was lying about everything.. it takes time.. let the boy figure out things for himself- it's the best thing you can do for him..
Wishing you the best. And remember LEAVE him alone..
May god bless.~
Nicole

[hoppecimo]

My oldest son moved out when he was 18. He waited until two weeks after he graduated and suddenly announced he was moving to Arizona to be with his biological brother ( my son was adopted at 11). He decided to not go to college after all but to try something new and exciting. He moved there on a whim and I didn't hear from him for probably two months. After that the emails and phone calls would stream in. In time he proved himself to be a capable young man. He got married a few years later, bought a house, has a full time job and a part time business he loves. I was torn up when he moved. I worried constantly about him. As a single dad I was torn between wanting him to prove himself and not wanting him to fail. In the end he made me proud. Not once did I ever make him feel that he couldn't come home if needed or that he couldn't ask for help.

My youngest is almost 17. I have had guardianship and custody of him since he was 13. I am not his biological dad, but the only father he has ever known. He's almost17 now and just moved out of my house into his moms. He left because I am really strict about not having him drinking, doing drugs, being out all night, or bringing underage girls home for sex. His mom is my opposite. She's a recreational drug user, drinks frequently and encourages him to sew his wild oats. When I took him in and spent all the money on legal issues for custody I knew he would eventually rebel and there could be heartache involved. I chose to take the risk and am happy I did. I helped him get clean and sober, and helped with all his legal bills ( A DUI at the age or 13 plus several truancy, curfew and drug charges from before my custody ) and got life going for him. He now has a girlfriend that is kind of wild, who has money, a sports car and likes to party. She's pulling him to sneak out at night, to start drinking and to move in with his mother so he has more freedom. He feels he is ready to be a man and feels he can control his drinking and dug use. I am doing the same thing with him as I did my oldest. I told him that he's welcome home when he's willing to get straightened out. I told him I didn't think it was the right choice, but since he his mom (and the state ) agreed to let him go back to her if he wanted, that there wasn't much I could do. I will do my own thing while he makes mistakes that he will hopefully learn and grow from. I can only love him, let him know it, and give him advice from time to time. Kids are painful reminders sometimes of what we must have been to our parents. We still love them and hope as they get older they will appreciate your wisdom, kindness and unconditional love.

You are going through a lot right now. I agree with other posts though. Give him his space for a bit. Go out to eat with him once in a while, keep in touch with him after everything calms down a bit. Don't smother him too much and keep things light and simple until he's ready to talk. My oldest to this day still calls and emails asking for help, suggestions and sometimes just simple prayers. The best thing you can do it to fill your life with other things that bring you joy as well until he comes around. You will not feel bitter or jaded when he comes back into the family routine. He may never move back in, or be as close as before, but the love will be there. That's ultimately all we can hope for when he have children.

I have four kids total. All adopted. Two never went through this crazy rebellious phase in life ( they are 19 year old twins ). The youngest and oldest are the only two who jumped and ran. One has proved to be able to think ahead, use all his resources, not burned his bridges and done his best. The other one just moved out a short bit ago and time will tell.

May God bless you and your son.
Stevan

[Samanthazepeda]

My names samantha I just graduated high school I'm 17 I turn 18 On the 24th of August. And Now I'm starting college on the 27th of this month (fall) I have an older sister who graduated LATE, because she had a kid at 18 she's 19 now were only a year apart, she drinks whenever she gets the chance, and could just really give two s about her life.
Tell me If I'm in the wrong PLEASE:
My dad has given my sister 6 cars, just today gave her 600 dollars to pay her bills and whatever the extra money is for I don't know. ME: I work as much as I can to get as much MONEY as I can so I can buy the things I need. For god sake I'm going off my mom's income (she lives off her security which is only about 100 Bucks a month, if that) to get a PELL GRANT for my college. Now If my dad has all this money to give to my older sister who's really doing not with her life, can't he help me because I actually want to be successful and not depend on anybody like my sister.

I've came to the conclusion that I can't live with my dad anymore I should live with my mom so ONE: I'm not cheating the government and then get screwed over in the end and TWO: because My mom has messed up in the passed, but no matter what she's given me all the love I've ever needed. For only minutes I'd get to visit her being little but when I did I never wanted to leave.
My mom has always been there for me mentally and physically when she had the chance. Do you think it's a good idea to just go live with my mom and leave my dad? But unexpected? Because if I tell my dad he might hold me hostage or something and I don't have a decent car to get up to Price its about 2 hours away. I have a hand-me-down car that was my sisters and its leaking antifreeze, and its just really ty. So I've saved Up about $500 I was thinking to just pack some bags and take a greyhound or a bus up to price AND THEN tell him I left so he really has no choice but to accept it. I am just really depressed and alone in this house and irritated with how things have been going I'm fed up you could say. Do you think it's a good idea?

[lglbgl32]

Samantha, why don't you live in a dorm? If you qualify for a pell grant you may qualify for enough for living expenses in a dorm or in a shared apartment with other students. It sounds like you are jealous of your sister and you are looking for some one on one attention from your mom. You really could benefit from talking to a counselor who can help you figure out your future before you jump from a frying pan into a fire. The best thing for you to do is make a list, where are you the safest? Where will you be the most comfortable? If you leave will you have what you need where you go in order to continue school? To continue working? Don't make any decisions that will make your life harder, its unnecessary.

[JudyKayTee]

Samantha, why dont you live in a dorm? If you qualify for a pell grant you may qualify for enough for living expenses in a dorm or in a shared apartment with other students. It sounds like you are jealous of your sister and you are looking for some one on one attention from your mom. You really could benefit from talking to a counselor who can help you figure out your future before you jump from a frying pan into a fire. The best thing for you to do is make a list, where are you the safest? Where will you be the most comfortable? If you leave will you have what you need where you go in order to continue school? To continue working? Dont make any decisions that will make your life harder, its unnecessary.

Yes, the resentment is loud and clear.

I absolutely agree - someone else's eyes would be most helpful here.

I trust you aren't relying on how you believe your mother is living her life now and have hard facts/evidence.

You need to talk to your father, if you can, discuss the arrangement with your mother, make a wise decision.