[Gabo]

Thank you Tkdgal. Your letter is very mature. I wish it would be my daughter writing. She is also your age. In a few weeks she will be 17 but she is not ready yet to accept responsibility for her being a difficult teeneager. You say "don't be to harsh on her". I think I'm not harsh. I'm being a mother. Two weeks ago she was late for school again. I said that if she does it again she is not alloud to use the phone that day. In return I heard; "I don't like you, I hate you, You are not my mother, you are my biological mother, I live in jail, I hate you and your husband. He is nobody to me, and you are my guardian only!"
Next day she asked me as is if nothing happened, for 20$ for her friend's birthday. I let her go for the party but I didn't give her money. I also asked her to return at midnight the latest. She came at 1:30. After midnight she phoned that she doesn't have a ride and she goes to a friend for a sleepover. I asked her to come home because we didn't discuss any sleepovers prior to her leaving. So, she came but at 1:30 A M. I was really upset. She did that already twice before. Next morning my husband told her to fix things with her mom or we can't live like that. Her answer was "I'm out of here!" While I was at work she left and I culdn't find her for a few days. Through her school I got to know that she lives with her friend and her family. Finally she called asking me to call her school because she was ill and missed a day. I explain her that if she has chosen a new family which is better than me, she should ask them to take care of her problems.
Next time she called me wishing me "happy birthday". I was awaiting for this phone call. God knows how I'm suffering not having her in my house. Again as if nothing happened "happy birthday mom, you see I didn't forget". That is all. Right now she is for winter holiday in her dad's house for a week. What next? After March break? I live in terrible stress thinking about what she does, wher she is, is she safe? I can't count on her father talking to her. He told me that he pays me 300$ a month (last few months, we have been divorced since 8 years ago) and she is under my care that is why he doesn't take any responsibility.
It is terribly sad. I put so much effort in her health, education, sports, dancing, piano, birthdays for her and her friends. No mentioning clothes, trips, going out etc. All by myselve. That was my baby. When she turned 13 it is getting worse day by day. My health is falling apart, I can't sleep and I have constant pain in the back of may head. How your own child can turn against you so much? Some children wish to have any mother and they don't have. Believe me I was much more than "any" mother to her. I also have a son 25 years old. I have never had any problems of this nature with him. He is on his own right now. Finished university, successful, respectable man. We have really good relationship.
Sometimes I feel I need exorcist for my daughter.
Maybe some mother are tough chicks but I'm on my last legs.

Mommy 102808.Thank you for your letter also.
bsaah thanks for your response but I sat with my teen already so many times. Telling her what she needs to realize is futile job. Her answer is "you are so lame".

Girls be good to your moms. Life is very short. Don't loose this precious time and tell your moms "I love you" as often as possible from the bottom of your hearts. I miss my daugter so much.
Thank you all.

[polizzibean]

You ask why does my daughter hate me so much. Well from your letter I deduce that your husband (on whom you depend) goes into rages every other week or so. This is the cycle of verbal abuse your daughter has grown up in. She sees him ,although he is the one you depend on ,get away with this abusive and hateful behaviour. Your daughter is acting like the example she has to draw from- including the fact she is a teenager it becomes unbearable. Have you ever heard of "the cycle of violence" ?

Phase 1: Tension Building Phase

• the abuser may :Pick fights
• Act jealous & possessive
• Criticize, threaten
• Drink, use drugs
• Be moody, unpredictable
• Be crazy

the reciever may :

• Feel like she’s walking on eggshells
• Try to reason with the batterer
• Try to calm the batterer
• Try to appease the batterer
• Keep silent, try to keep children quiet
• Feel afraid or anxious

Phase 2: Crisis Phase Verbal Abuse
The abuser may;
[LIST][*]Sexual Assault [*]Physical Abuse [*]Increase control over money [*]Restrain partner [*]Destroy property, phone [*]Emotionally Assault
The receiver may;
[/

• LIST] Experience fear, shock
• Protects self & children
• Use self-defense
• Call for help
• Try to flee, leave
• Pray for it to stop
• Do what is necessary to survive

Phase 3: Calmer Phase Ask for forgiveness

• abuser may;
• Promise it won’t happen again
• Stop drinking, using drugs
• Go to counseling
• Be affectionate
• Initiate intimacy
• Minimize or deny abuse

Receiver may;

• Forgive
• Return home
• Arrange for counseling
• Feel hopeful
• Feel manipulated
• Blame self
• Minimize or deny abuse

My experience has been that this cycle happens every 2-3 weeks,that one becomes so engrained in it it feels odd if it doesn't happen. Yes I was the receiver, I can recognise your daughters behaviour in relation to some of my children.Dont focus on your need for her love.She isn't capable now- probably won't be for years. Nothing you can do "except getting out and going to counseling" will help you feel any peace in your heart and mind. It took my daughter 10 years and marriage to finally forgive me for allowing the abuse to go on for the first 12 years of our lifes. If you find yourself saying : Im in the process of leaving,bet never actually go,but I need this man for help,he never hits us, he is just moody, or any other kind of excuse or explanation that says your family isn't one of a cycle of violence, this is just more proof that your are.Get out now. Get your head clear.
There's a hero inside of you, let her out!

[Leiiru]

Ok, I'm 13 and I feel so bad for you! I couldn't imagine putting my mom through something like this. But, I still may be able to provide some advice. She may, for one reason or another, feel that you "don't know her well enough" or "are treating her like she's a little kid". When you touch her cheek and you say it "makes her skin crawl" it's most definitely because she doesn't like the whole "touchy feely" thing, and it makes her feel like she's being treated like a baby. It's really just cause she's trying to grow more independent, and this really does happen a lot where a child chooses one parent as the favorite and acts as if they hate the other. It would have been better if you disciplined her from the start, but it's never too late to start. Good luck

[jaimie02]

I feel so sorry for you. I can not imagine treating my mother with such disrespect. However, I have witnessed such behavior from my cousins.

Just remember that in a year or less she can legally move out, and if she hates you so much she will. And life will be much easier for you I'm sure.

She will learn about the hardships of life on her own, the hard way. And I'm sure one day she will realize her mistakes and be truly sorry. Hopefully she will mature one day.

All I know is that she probably takes your kindness for granted.

I do know though, that it won't be much longer before it gets better.

She will go off on a rampage and move out eventually. I know that's not going to be easy either, but in the long run it will make things better.

I pray for you and good luck with your daughter and husband.

[Letitbeover]

Just curious. How are things now. I so wish I had seen this post earlier but I guess at that time I was going through the same thing as you. My ex worked my children against me in such a way that they were doing things like continuous cursing, breaking down doors to bug me and laughing. He supported their behaviour and was definitely not a parent. Funny enough just two months prior to our separation our children were asking me to kick him out and call the police on him. Well, this behaviour did not go away anytime soon (a couple of years). He discussed all court proceedings and bad mouthed me all the time where as I continued to be the best parent I could be and told them it wasn't their concern about what was going on between their father and I, not to worry and that we both loved them. I even had to continuously take the risk of rejection and hate to be a mother. With the help of counseling, I was reassured of my actions and how to tolerate their behaviour. One very important thing that stayed in my mind, that the cousellor told me is that our children knew I would always love them, whereas, they didn't know if their father would, which resulted in me receiving the reaction of their frustrations. I also very much later learned they didn't want to live with me because "dad" said I wouldn't be able to afford them. Children are very smart and very nieve at the same time. Things are told to them and they also form their own opinion out of nowhere. I'm very happy to say our children and I have an awesome relationship now (took a couple of years) but unfortunately it's not the greatest with their dad. My daughter once asked me during a period she was living with me "why don't you ever say anything bad about dad, he always says bad things about you". I said "now what good is that going to do. He is your father and always will be and I want you to have a good relationship with him". I did mean those words and still do, however, I don't know how. We went through an extremely bitter divorce. No matter what I did to try and settle things with him, he was so vexatious. And to think we broke up because he had an affair. I guess everyone handles things in their own way.
Enough of my story. I hope it might help someone out there who is going through the same thing we did.
And I hope you see this. I would like to know how you and your children are! God Bless!

[Olbeem]

Firstly, obviously it is very hard to admit something big that YOU might have done wrong, but I'm guessing there probably is something. If you're husband is really that bad, then maybe when your children are older they will realise that he wasn't a very good father, but at the moment they care for him and love him. DO NOT try to turn them against him, or try to understand what makes them nicer to him than to you, it will just make everything worse. About your daughter, she's probably not having an easy time at school and so takes it out on somebody she trusts will always love her and never reject her. She may feel that in other parts of her life she is rejected, and takes it out on you when she gets home. She is confused in how to act towards you, but thinks that it is 'ok' to manipulate you into getting what she wants. You have to understand that your daughter is unconfident about you and your husbands marriage etc, and blames it on you. Before you can get anything right with your daughter, you have to try to talk to your husband about his temper, and how you can try to manage bringing up your kids. You need to ask him what he would like YOU to do in a situation when you need money for something but he refuses to give it to you. You need to discuss how to manage your relationship so that your daughter doesn't have to worry about it herself. You are a mother, and have brought up your daughter for 17 years and know her well. You need to ask yourself what went wrong and come up with a solution to undo it. You may, at the moment see her as very selfish, but this is because she doesn't know what else she is 'supposed to do'. Don't blame the problems on anyone else, you have to all work as a team to sort it out. Online answers won't solve the problem, but I really hope that it will help.:)

[N0help4u]

Another almost three year old post.

[SoloTruth]

Sometimes children want more than what you can give them. You can give them all and they still can find something even wrong with the all you have given them. Material things are creature comfort. Spiritual things comes from the soul. You can reach your daughter through spiritual prayer. Love her, forgive her and pray for her. You must be the change you wish to see in your daughter

[Fr_Chuck]

Closed