[rattl3rdance]

I have been asking myself this question for a long time. My problems are many and I've probably made many mistakes. My husband of 20 years is verbally abusive. I am handicapped and unfortunately, I rely on his help. My two children (daughter 17, son 13) are both healthy and are doing well in school. I have tried leaving my husband but my children are so against the idea, (maybe they are embarrassed of me?), they both prefer a father around the house who every few weeks goes into a rage, than not having one at all. I am taking steps to secure my independence from him, and in the meantime, I am doing the best I can, ignoring his outbursts. My daughter, cannot stand me. I do everything for her, I drive her everywhere, I buy her way more than I can afford, I clean up after her continuously, (she does not help me with housework at all - she absolutely refuses), and she takes everything I do for granted. She often says things to my husband so that he will start fighting with me (things such as : "You know what mom said? You know what mom is planning? Do you know that mom is hiding money from you?", etc...). Her behaviour makes no sense to me at all - she will do anything to hurt me emotionally, she calmly looks at me and tells me how much she hates me, how she has no respect for me, and how the thought of my touching her (like a caress on the cheek) makes her skin crawl. When she breaks her curfew, and my husband goes ballistic, I am the one to calm him down. When her cell phone bill comes in and has over $100 dollars in extra fees added to it, I am the one who scrapes the money behind my husband's back to pay for it - and then she tells him just so he could get mad at me. Two weeks ago, her school had an optional trip to Washington for five days (including hotel, meals, etc...) Naturally, it was quite expensive - my husband felt it was out our means, but she kept begging me to go, and when I would tell her that we couldn't afford it, she would start off on how horrible I am and how much she hates me. So I fought with my husband, and he finally gave in. While she was happy to go on the trip, it only "bought" me a couple of days of niceness from her. While she was there, she bought small gifts for everyone, including something for me. Yesterday, while mouthing off her hatred of me, (triggered by something as simple as "please pick up your clothes") she confessed that the item she had given me from Washington, was something she actually bought for herself, and she wanted it back. She took it back, and said, "You know what's sad? While I was in DC, I realized you deserve nothing from me - that there is nothing I want to give you or do for you - I just hate you so much. I cannot wait until you are out of my life completely". Here I am, basically I go out of way to convince my husband to send her on the trip, go out of my way depriving myself of things I need just so I could pay for her trip, and she tells me this? She has been in and out of counseling several times, with no success as far as our relationship. She refuses to go for joint counseling with me, and ofcourse, her counselors do not tell me what she is saying to them. I am at my wits end - I do not know what to do anymore. My physical condition is worsening, and, I cannot understand what I have done to make her hate me so much. I would appreciate some support and advice. Thank you.

it seems to me that your daughter sees how your husband treats you and since you just take it from him, she thinks that it is ok to treat you like that. if i were to treat my mother that way i would have been slapped! you just need to disclipine her..take away her cell phone until she can respect you. whenever i go over on my minutes, my parents make me pay the bill. you could maybe try doing that. i'm sure your daughter really doesn't hate you though. girls dont just hate their mothers for no apperant reason. especially after all the things you do for her. she must be going through some sort of problem in her social life or something like that. so my advice to you is to just lay down the rules and let her know that you are the mother and she is the daughter, NOT VICE VERSA. i really hope this can help you. your story just tore me up inside. and my sister is kind of the same way. it is not so extreme as your case, but she thinks she is the boss. also, maybe you could spend some quality time with your daughter. just you and her. do something that she is interested and that you can tolerate. i recommend painting pottery. whenever me and my mom fight, we set time aside to do that and it really calms things down and helps us work out whatever problem we were having with each other. good luck, and again i really hope i can help you.

[addy]

You need to sit your daughter down and tell her you are tired of her crap. I know you are trying to be nice to her by giving her what she wants, but since you are being nice to her, and she is acting like a little bratty female dog, you need totake some serious control.If I were in your situation, I would not try to take care of this in a calmly matter.It is to late for that.What my mother did when I was little(like 3 or 2)she got tired of my unruly behavior(throwing fits in public, yellimng at her)she tried to be nice, but she eventually figured out that I was not going to give in.Actually, ny mothers tactics were somewhat different than the usual help .She would throw a even bigger fit than I did, and she told me that once I saw her do that, my eyes were wide and it looked like I was fixing to cry, she told me to suck it up or she would do something, like take away christmas(I would believe her) or the one thing I feared most, move away and never see any one ever again ,like my grandparents or my friends.After that I straightened up.She continued to use this strategy until I was 13.It worked.Every time I see something in the store that I like but I know it is too expensive for our budget, I don't say anything or whine about it because I know that if I whined about it, my parents love me so mch that they would probably break the bank to get it for rmy happiness.So my advice is to tell her you are tired of her crap, then see her reaction.If she justs continues this act, you nedd to tell her the truth.She is 17, not three.You tell her that the only thing from now on that you are covering the expenses for is food and electricity.Take away her cell phone, any other communication,and then(this is what really made me straighten up)You need to tell her that she needs to get off her a** get a job, show some respect(and while doing this,remember you are yelling at her)take away her door,and the only privacyis in the bathroom. I can't believe she said that thing about the present wasn't for you, when she had already gave it to you.WHat you should do is while she is at school, go into her room and take all entertainment,purses,shoes,fashion everything that she might like or love and put it into storage(like at a building)including her door.WHen she finds it is all gone, tell her first that it was really hurtful of her to be an indian giver and that is no t how your daughter is going to be like.THen, say when she asks about her stuff, that you decided that all that stuff you have bought for her, it was really for you.She will either start yelling or shutup a minute.If she continues yelling, continue to yell at her, showing her that you aren't backing down without a fight, because you said that you have been nothing buit nice to her, and that she doesn't hate you, every time she says that she hates you break or rip up something of hers.Dont replace it either, don't say your sorry, anything.If she becomes quiet, ask her how it feels to be told that. The only things you are allowed to put up in her room is a bible and a picture of her family,or a picture of you and her.So basically the routine goes like this ,yell,yell,yell.Show her that you are the boss.I am serious.Tell her you love her, and that's because you are her daughter,you would die for her.Then say, this girl in front of me is not my daighter.This her is a little bratty 3 year old.And three year olds don't have cell phones,or cars or toys.Then say sternly, you are going to stay in here, for 10 minutes.You don't leave.I will be back to talk to you.I love you.Leave for 10 minutes.Then come back and tell her about that 78% of girls who get hooked on drugs,become protitutes and murderers don't have good relationships with there mothers.It is true.Tell her that once pubertyh its, d and ms are either friends or enemys.You wan to be friends, but you are going to be a mother first.Ask her what she wants to do with her life.When she tells you, tell her that if she had a daughter who yelled at her and all that crap, what would she do? If she comes out with a remark,you desperatly need to get in touch with a counselor pronto.Don't let your husband try to stop you.You are going to need his help with this because if it is only you yelling at her, she will just go cry to daddy.If he refuses to help , you need to leave him fast.Don't let him be the reason that your daughter becomes a litle female dog.Get help GEt help.I am not a professioanl,but for your daughter sake, get help get help .

[RazorBlade Kiss]

Holy.. I've done some nasty things to my mum.. but woah.. okay send her to a group home or something.. you know? Kick her out. You don't deseve this no mom does. Hearing this makes me feel bad for what I did to my mum. Thank you for making me relize this while I'm only 13! But I think you should leave your husband for sure let the kids stay with him! You go find yourself a better guy that treats you good. I hope I helped good luck!

[punkgiirl]

I have been asking myself this question for a long time. My problems are many and I've probably made many mistakes. My husband of 20 years is verbally abusive. I am handicapped and unfortunately, I rely on his help. My two children (daughter 17, son 13) are both healthy and are doing well in school. I have tried leaving my husband but my children are so against the idea, (maybe they are embarrassed of me?), they both prefer a father around the house who every few weeks goes into a rage, than not having one at all. I am taking steps to secure my independence from him, and in the meantime, I am doing the best I can, ignoring his outbursts. My daughter, cannot stand me. I do everything for her, I drive her everywhere, I buy her way more than I can afford, I clean up after her continuously, (she does not help me with housework at all - she absolutely refuses), and she takes everything I do for granted. She often says things to my husband so that he will start fighting with me (things such as : "You know what mom said? You know what mom is planning? Do you know that mom is hiding money from you?", etc...). Her behaviour makes no sense to me at all - she will do anything to hurt me emotionally, she calmly looks at me and tells me how much she hates me, how she has no respect for me, and how the thought of my touching her (like a caress on the cheek) makes her skin crawl. When she breaks her curfew, and my husband goes ballistic, I am the one to calm him down. When her cell phone bill comes in and has over $100 dollars in extra fees added to it, I am the one who scrapes the money behind my husband's back to pay for it - and then she tells him just so he could get mad at me. Two weeks ago, her school had an optional trip to Washington for five days (including hotel, meals, etc...) Naturally, it was quite expensive - my husband felt it was out our means, but she kept begging me to go, and when I would tell her that we couldn't afford it, she would start off on how horrible I am and how much she hates me. So I fought with my husband, and he finally gave in. While she was happy to go on the trip, it only "bought" me a couple of days of niceness from her. While she was there, she bought small gifts for everyone, including something for me. Yesterday, while mouthing off her hatred of me, (triggered by something as simple as "please pick up your clothes") she confessed that the item she had given me from Washington, was something she actually bought for herself, and she wanted it back. She took it back, and said, "You know what's sad? While I was in DC, I realized you deserve nothing from me - that there is nothing I want to give you or do for you - I just hate you so much. I cannot wait until you are out of my life completely". Here I am, basically I go out of way to convince my husband to send her on the trip, go out of my way depriving myself of things I need just so I could pay for her trip, and she tells me this? She has been in and out of counseling several times, with no success as far as our relationship. She refuses to go for joint counseling with me, and ofcourse, her counselors do not tell me what she is saying to them. I am at my wits end - I do not know what to do anymore. My physical condition is worsening, and, I cannot understand what I have done to make her hate me so much. I would appreciate some support and advice. Thank you.

I'm sorry to hear that. I used to say most of the things your daughter says to you to my own mother as a quick hurt. I'm now 20 and regret saying these things as I've matured and realised how much she does for me. I love her so much. I don't think your daughter realises what the word 'hate' actually means and how she can't just go spouting it out whenever she pleases as it is very hurtful. And as for your husband! I reckon leave him and go into care, even check into a mental instituation for a while if you need a break. How about writing your daughter a letter about how hurt you are and maybe the message will get through. One day she will realise that she only gets one Mom and how precious you are. Then she will regret her treatment towards you no end.

[poopyqueenrox]

=i hate my mum so much at times its not ******* funny. I wish someone else was my mum. I am a 14 year old and I yell my hatred at my mum . Kids like me and your daughter have a reason to act the way we do. Its not necessarily about how much we hate our mums. Maybe she doesn't have a way to express her anger so she takes it out on you. Remember she doesn't just scream at you because she hates you. She just has a big problem with how to get people to understand her. Some people say I'm a perfect angel but when I'm at home I need a way to release my anger so I take it out on everyone at home, especially my mum. There's nothing wrong with your parenting skills or anything its just the way your daughter choses to behave. Most likely after she's been naughty shell go somewhere and REALLY regret what she's done. Some people can't control their behaviour around certain people. She certainly loves you WAY more than you may think.
GOOD LUCK *---*:)

[kjbascom02]

Leave your husband. She doesn't think you have the guts to do it. He is teaching her how to treat you.

[bonsall]

This is a little late to be answering this question.

But I have the same situation except with an older daughter. While I know the people who answered you mean well, I get the same answers. None of them work. You have to be in the situation to understand it.

If you choose to be firm and stand by rules, she will hate you more. I do not know what the answer is, of course, because I am still having the same problem. I probably do more of what you do except on a larger scale. Buying her everything which I cannot afford because I think it will make her happy and I guess secretly thinking she will like me for it. But like you said that only lasts a second, and then it is back to normal. She even said to me lately, I need a mother who listens to me, not buy me things. So I stopped buying her things for a little while. Nothing changed.

I know what you are going through, believe me. I keep on looking to see what I have done, and I can't come up with anything, except that I do too much. Maybe she resents me for it. She just got married the other day, and she did not speak to me the entire day. She left the wedding and never said goodbye to her father or me. Earlier in the day, she told me she would only get married if I didn't come. And then she told me she would have nothing to do with me after the wedding. And I think she is actually doing that right now. I haven't heard anything from her. A simple thank you would have meant the world to me - The wedding cost a fortune which we did not have. I could go on and on but I know you get the picture.

If you ever get the answer please let me know.

[Olivia132]

I really do wish you good luck..

You seem like a wonderful woman. I tell you, my mum wouldn't put up with that.
I didn't read your whole question but I read the answers and what your daughter does is ridiculous.

1. your daughter doesn't hate you, but I don't believe she appreciates you either- nor clearly, respects you. I don't agree with one of the answers- for her to change, you must change your behaviours.

Perhaps act less bothered by her attitudes.. she wants you to care. Do you think you are strong as a person? Perhaps that is what the underlying problem is. Children are smart- don't cry or act concerned... and she will realize her behavious doesn't much affect you anymore.

2. Don't let her get away with ANYTHING.
Don't let her act like a spoilt brat. Don't give in to her selfish and manipulating behaviour.

I think kids sometimes think that their parents shouldn't have a life, and should tend to theirs.

You have a life, and you need to have yours too..

Good luck,

Keep in touch and don't let yourself give up.
I don't know how old she is but I hope its not too late to help her. Don't let her run out of control like my mums friends daughter has.

You need to do this, for yourself, and the love you have for your daughter.

[LLAAURAAA]

Don't be nasty to her, just because she's nasty to you.
Don't give her everything because she demands it.
These things will p*ss her off even more,
I advise you, not to clean up after her, if she doesn't want to do any house work, then she can live in a pig-sty.
Why should you pay for things she wants, if you didn't apparently "deserve" even a gift.
An eye for an eye, right?
Remember, she depends on you, Whether she likes it or not!
To recover some peace between you two, I think you need to sit her down and have a very Calm Calm calm CALM talk with her, when she gets aggregated at the thought of this serious conversation or at what you say (she most probably will) be calm and don't let her get away with not having a good talk to you, Everything about how you feel and I think it would only be fair to ask her to tell you too, but having so much pride for oneself she might not tell you, believe it or not, its because she Cant. Get her to write to you, in a letter.

Also, you probably don't know what else is going on in her life, socially even though you might think you do.

Kids these days are 10000000000000x more prepared with fierce language and actions than parents; sometimes even I walk away thinking; "sh*t, i think ive gone too far!"

If she calls you something, a name, or has a Tantrum, don't even bother talking to her, because remember, she depends on you;
if worst comes to worst, she might threaten to move out, don't believe her.
she's 17 and in school... she's smarter than that and knows life would be so much harder.
if she does, she'll probably try to move in with a friend or boyfriend and that will be temporary.

I recently told my mother I hated her, but I did this because I was emotionally hurting on the inside, it wasn't even her fault! But I screamed it directly at her, repeatedly.
She didn't speak to me or look at me for about a week.
(She paid attention to my sister instead of me.)
I got so sick of it, I know I depend on her, so I made it up to her, cleaned the house sssssoooooooo much and without asking. I behaved.
She does favors for me when I ask but when I don't for her, the next favor I ask for, I don't get.
Give and take.

Sometimes she probably just feels like being a , she's in a crap mood or something else is bothering her.


Don't let her control you.
I think, your husband needs to be reminded of why you're married.
See the good in each other. Keep positive, or see a councilor.

Goodluck hope I helped!

[jenniferlabarca]

I think you should stop being so nice to her if she does not appreciate what she has. Maybe you should consider looking for an apartment 2 get away from your husband. Then go and visit your children a month later and they will realize tat they can't live with u.

[margaretr]

Hi,

We raised a lovely family. Our daughter became very difficult and manipulative at age 16. She was a very bright and intellegent girl, right from the start. However from the age of 16 she started to be really difficult disturbing the peace in the house. She eventually qualified as a doctor and had a lovely family herself whom we absolutely adore. However, one day her my husband tried to tell her of a concern he had with her daughter inappropriately grabbing him on a couple of occasions on a visit to them and the child's attitude was to my husband was"but Grandad we know each other" That started such a battle with my daughter and her husband that they have stopped the children communicating with us or sending any kind of christmas cards etc. Now my daughter writes to her brothers that her daughter has never been sexually abused or touched inappropriately etc. in other words, sheer lies, as all my husband did was to report to her the little girl's attitude towards inappropriate touching. Instead of having it looked into, they tackled all 4 of their kids telling them how mean we are to accuse their poor little daughter of 9 of such awful things, which is so absurd. Her husband has joined in, as he has done his best from the very start to cut us out of their lives. They live in Australia and for years we visited them sometimes twice a year in order to get to know our little grandchildren. One of them emailed in secret and has been stopped since. We were comfortably off growing up so we were able to give them all the best education and show them the world and loved them to pieces. Life got difficult with us when one of our sons had a tragic accident, leading to quadruplegia and further illnesses with another son but we plodded through and have devoted our lives to all of them. My daughter, a doctor herself and her husband, seems to thrive on hurting us and spreading lies about us. They all went on a world tour over Christmas and didn't bother to visit her disabled brother or even call any of them. Can anyone relate with this - I have tried everything, writing, calling, counselling but nothing seems to work. They are our only grandchildren and I know they love us very much, but they being in Australia and we in the US makes it very hard. I know we are good people and help others when needed, so I have a very clear conscience. I do break down in private so no one sees my sadness, except my husband but men seem to be able to cope better than us females. If anyone out there has a similar problem I would love to hear from them.

Margaretr

[oscarlicous]

Your daughter has no respect for you. She knows that if she trows her little tantroms then she'll get what she wants. I think, in her eyes, she sees you as a big push over. Have you tried grounding her?if you ground her from the things that she loves to do,(say going to the mall) ground her from that. I hope that this will help a little bit.
Sorry for the spelling mistakes.

[gobe]

Did you think about that she started when she was about 9 and 10 means that she wish to have a healthy mom, don't get me wrong I understood your pain but now see her pain. Not easy for her and she is a teenager. I guess is not helping that you let her manipulate you behind your husband back either. In the first place how long is you husband abusive with you? Maybe it is because he knows that you are not honest, no trust, you do things behind his back if the trust is lost the respect is lost to. If you could work together be honest each other and your daughter should know that if he says no is no if you says no is now and she can't do anything against you two and if she hurts you she hurts your husband to. If you to would work together than she would be different. But she is a very smart teen and she use both of you... So no matter if you leave your husband or not you should learn to work together, because trust me (I know from first hand) if you will live a separate life from your husband your daughter will have more space for manipulation. Firs step no matter what, work with your husband together and be strong. No liar or week person can get a respect from others. You can support your daughter better if you tell her that you love you’re her mom, and don't play the weak person because she will step on you she is a teen! Good Luck you need it.

[o NitSuA o]

Have you considered some kind of boarding school for her? You can use the possibility of sending her away from all her friends as leverage to get her what you want her to do. She may have no respect for you but what she doesn't realize is that you hold the cards in the situation, and this can give you a distinct advantage. If she calls your bluff I would suggest a loan maybe and send her away. She sounds like she needs some discipline big time!

[boogiefever]

Hi Tatiana17;
Wow, I really feel your pain and situation. My 18 year-old daughter is doing the same type of thing with me. I can't figure this out. It makes me feel better to know at least tha I'm not the only good , caring mom out there who has a daughter with this problem.

I'm at work now, so I can't type long, or I'd post what's been happening in my house, as you did. But I can tell you that it all sounds about identical to my situation. Sheesh!
It's hard, isn't it?

And it doesn't help matters when the father seems to turn a deaf ear to it all, as if the
Daughter is "just a child", and we should bruch the bad behavior off as you would with a tot. My goodness.

I'll try and write more later.

[boogiefever]

Ooh! I just read over my answer, and , lawd allmighty, the typo's!

Really, I am not illiterate! :)

That's what happens when you're typing at work, and someone walks in before
You get a chance to proof read! LOL

Sorry for all the misspellings. I'll try back later.
Boogiefever

[Gabo]

Thank you for your advice, I've attempted many times in the past to withhold privileges, but I end up giving in after a few days (I know this is wrong) because it's very difficult to continue. She yells and says horrible things and makes our home life intolerable. Sadly, I know the situation is such that she has taken total advantage of me, manipulates me, and is unbelievably mean to me. Ofcourse, with everyone else, she is a darling. Her teachers love her, she has lots of friends, a boyfriend, etc...So, obviously she KNOWS how to behave, she just chooses not to with me. Is there anyone out there who in the past treated their mother this way, and now realize just how lucky they were to have a caring mother? Is there any mother out there who went through a similar experience, and things turned out fine?

Tatiana,
I just read your letter. It is 2009. I'm curious how did you resolve this problem with your daughter. It is 3 years later.
Gabo

[Mommy102808]

I hate to say it but I used to be like your daughter, I mean I didn't get everything I wanted but just the simplest things set me off because it felt like my mom was trying to rule my life at the time. I would say stuff to her to make her mad and mean hurtful things too. But when I was alone in my room I was just cry into my pillow because I knew I loved her and never wanted anything to happen to her. Now I am 19 years old and I have a four month old daughter, I have total respect for my parents now that I am a parent myself. Your daughter loves you she is just acting out this way towards you for some kind of attention that she is not getting somewhere else. Good Luck things will change.

[bsaah]

Im going threw the samething with my parents and I'm a teenager. You daughter needs to realize that what you did for her was the right thing to do. Just sit down and talk to her

[tkdgal]

From a teenager's perspective, who went through the same thing:

I don't know why, but I actually act this way with my mother a lot. Like you said, maybe it's teenage hormones. Or maybe it's just the fact that she knows that no matter what she does, you're still going to love her.

I'm currently 16 years old, almost 17, and my parents got divorced a couple of years ago. I've always partly blamed myself for it because I treated my mom so badly before the divorce. I refused to do things around the house, I never told her I loved her, etc. and she sacrificed literally all that she had for me, just like you did.

One night, though, I remember (it was really weird) being overwhelmed with this sense of guilt, like I was a horrible person, and suddenly everything that I had done to her in the past was playing back to me now from a different perspective. I just went up to her and started crying, telling her, "I'm sorry, I'm sorry." She asked why, and I told her, "I'm sorry for the way I've been treating you." She said, "I know. But you're still my daughter." or something like that.

Moms are tough chicks. They have to go through a lot. First the pregnancy, then their child growing up, and eventually, they have to deal with them leaving. And through all of that comes the teenage hormones.

My mom also has a disability. She is legally blind, but not completely. She can still see, but not really well enough to do everything a person with normal vision can do. Since the divorce, her vision has prohibited her from getting a job, so she has relied on child support for income. She's always had that sort of dependence on my dad, even though I know she probably doesn't want to.

I've gone back and forth between living with my dad and my mom for the past couple of years. She moved away to Georgia after the divorce to be closer to family, and I stayed with my dad at first. Then, I moved in with her for 6 months, and now I'm back with my dad. And, not surprisingly, I'm moving back again, but permanently, to Georgia this summer.

I talk to her now about everything. She's like my sister, my other half. She knows me better than anyone else (except my best friend). I go to her for advice, support, encouragement, anything I need. She's a wonderful mother.

That's why I hate to look back and realize how horribly I treated her. I'm totally ashamed, and sometimes I just hate myself.


So, to the advice part... just give your daughter time. She might be doing the same thing I was. And honestly, I don't even know what I was doing. I was being a teenager. Some, I guess, are worse than others. Don't be too harsh on her, or she might rebel even more violently, but don't be too big of a pushover, either. Draw a line somewhere. You have to have a limit to what you put up with.

But just remember... she's your daughter. SHE LOVES YOU. She may not realize how much yet, but she will, I assure you, someday. And that day may be the best day of your life, when she tells you that.

I feel for you. I wish you luck for the future.