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chelsearose · Apr 7, 2010, 10:14 AM

Hi--
I've been following this forum for awhile, but have never posted anything. I've found what I've read in response to other people's questions/concerns helpful, so I'm going to post a concern of my own for some feedback. I recently started dating (a bit over 3 months now), a guy who in a lot of ways is truly wonderful. I'm really enjoying getting to know him, we have a lot of chemistry, and have a lot of interests/characteristics in common.
However, there is something that has been bothering me a bit... I recently learned that he cheated on his previous girlfriend of nearly 4 years. Slept with another woman once, but had been flirting/communicating with her for some time. He broke things off with her soon after he slept with her, and his girlfriend eventually found out and broke off their relationship (b/c of that and other issues that they were having). He swears that he had never cheated before that one time, and has "learned his lesson" and believes he could never hurt another woman in that way by being unfaithful / disloyal and betraying such an important trust. I believe he is being genuine, and like I mentioned we are quite early in the dating process to have any type of serious conversations about "us!" My concern is mostly about finding myself falling more and more for him, and don't want to end up being hurt when and if I fall "in love!" I've been betrayed before (not specifically by cheating), and have had trouble trusting in the past, and have hurt a lot because I have trusted. I've also had friends who have been cheated on and know how much it can break someone's heart. I guess I'm questioning if I should continue dating this man or "bolt" before I'm in it deeper... and I do keep finding myself liking him more and more and more... and guess, I'm starting to get anxious about the possibility of getting hurt. Do people really believe that once a cheater, always a cheater? Any thoughts/feeback would be appreciated.
Thank you!!

chelsearose · Apr 7, 2010, 10:15 AM

Actually, just realized that I have posted on here before about a different issue! Forgetful me... I did resolve the other issue :D

Newguy2009 · Apr 7, 2010, 10:25 AM

Originally Posted by chelsearose

I guess I'm questioning if I should continue dating this man or "bolt" before I'm in it deeper....and I do keep finding myself liking him more and more and more...and guess, I'm starting to get anxious about the possibility of getting hurt. Do people really believe that once a cheater, always a cheater? Any thoughts/feeback would be appreciated.
Thank you!!!

I don't necessarily believe that once a cheater, always a cheater. He could have really learned his lesson as he lost two women in the process and realized maybe it wasn't worth it.

My advice to you is take it slow. If you really like him, you will eventually learn to trust him. Get to know him as much as you can before you make a decision to leave.

You will not know somebody in 3 months. It takes years and if you do leave will you question your next mate? I say give him a chance until he gives you reason to doubt him

AmericanGirl01 · Apr 7, 2010, 10:29 AM

I'm going to assume this is the same guy you were talking about back in February since you said in this post you've been dating him for a little over three months? With that being said, I'm confused since you said back in February this guy was your friend and you knew that he had cheated on his girlfriend so assuming this is the same guy, this isn't some little piece of information you just figured out.

Either way, I'm not a believer in “once a cheater, always a cheater” I believe people have the ability to change. This is something that happened in his past, and if he has given you no reason to not trust him then it's absolutely not fair to hold his past (that has nothing to do with you) against him. He's told you that he's learnt his lesson and wouldn't betray another woman again, you can either choose to believe what he is telling you or not. Its as simple as that.

Just take it slow, it's only been 3 months. Trust isn't something that just happens over night.. its something that's earned.

chelsearose · Apr 7, 2010, 10:35 AM

Originally Posted by AmericanGirl01

I'm going to assume this is the same guy you were talking about back in February since you said in this post you've been dating him for a little over three months? With that being said, I'm confused since you said back in February this guy was your friend and you knew that he had cheated on his girlfriend so assuming this is the same guy, this isn't some little piece of information you just figured out.

No... I never dated the "other" guy. He's a friend of mine, I was developing feelings for and he has a girlfriend. What you read into my previous message, aren't the facts. Actually, when I posted that previous message I was already dating this other guy; just barely. So, nope... different issues. And FYI... I've kept my distance from "my friend" and my feelings have pretty much subsided. Still a good friend, but I've decided it's safer to keep my distance somewhat, since he does have a girlfriend...

Jake2008 · Apr 7, 2010, 09:08 PM

He cheated on his ex girlfriend. He didn't cheat on you.

People make mistakes, and some people learn from them, and never repeat them.

I would give him the benefit of the doubt. He has been honest about his past relationship and what it cost him. This is not something he even had to discuss with you, or he could have denied it, and you'd never have known the truth.

I wouldn't run away from a potentially great relationship because as I said, his cheating had nothing to do with you as it was in a past relationship, and two, he was honest about it.

ohsohappy · Apr 7, 2010, 09:14 PM

I agree with everyone else when I say that I don't believe in"once a cheater always a cheater" either. We are all humans and we all screw up in one way or another. We still do things that surprise us.

I think you should take it slow with him, but if he is willing to be open with you about it then I say it's okay. It's only been about 3 months, so if you didn't find out from him just yet that's okay, as long as he was planning on telling you about it at one point. He also might be ashamed of it (hence breaking it off with the other chick) because it wasn't something that he was proud of doing. I say give the guy a chance in the "not serious" zone. I think He could be genuine. He might turn out to be one of the smart ones that actually lean from their screw-ups. :)