[SteveO82]

Scott, thanks for your reply. Another question, what will happen if the Mom and I can't agree with each other for a parenting plan during mediation? I'm willing to make her the visiting parent for moving out of state while giving her so much time with the kid. I also believe I shouldn't be responsible for transportation and the costs therein. I really, really believe the mom wants the child to only hurt me. Our kid is really close to me and attached to me and that pisses the mom off very much. I want our kid to have both of us in our lives and I'm willing to give the mom so much more than she expects if I can be the one in control of health/medical decisions, religion, education, etc.

[cdad]

For one thing don't spend too much time dwelling on the past and concentrate on the here and now. Telling us you have relatives the could write statements shows that you weren't prepared for a fight. You should have already had that if it was important. Another thing is you mentioned still being married?? " (ps me and the mom are still married) ".

You could be responsible for the child she had with the boyfriend. Being married could make you the legal father of the child. Yet another piece you have on your plate.

Start by making out a parenting plan. Don't assume she is going to agree to anything. Your up against a wall now because there is a sibling involved and courts don't like to keep siblings from each other. Your fight just got tougher. Make sure your prepared to answer any questions that may come out. Mediation isn't about rehashing the past its about the child and the child's future. Focus focus focus. And the next time you head to court go in loaded for bear and make sure all your I's are dotted and your T's are crossed. Have everything ready.

Thanks for coming back and keeping us updated.

[SteveO82]

For one thing dont spend too much time dwelling on the past and concentrate on the here and now. Telling us you have relatives the could write statements shows that you werent prepared for a fight. You should have already had that if it was important. Another thing is you mentioned still being married??? " (ps me and the mom are still married) ".

You could be responsible for the child she had with the boyfriend. Being married could make you the legal father of the child. Yet another piece you have on your plate.

Start by making out a parenting plan. Don't assume she is going to agree to anything. Your up against a wall now because there is a sibling involved and courts dont like to keep siblings from eachother. Your fight just got tougher. Make sure your prepared to answer any questions that may come out. Mediation isnt about rehashing the past its about the child and the childs future. Focus focus focus. And the next time you head to court go in loaded for bear and make sure all your I's are dotted and your T's are crossed. Have everything ready.

Thanks for coming back and keeping us updated.

Hey califdad, thanks for your reply too. I owed it to the forum and you guys for helping out by updating the thread.

The mom stated in her affidavit that she has another child, with another man in another state. That was brought up to the judge's attention and apparently it didn't matter because there was no comment on that. I could be the legal father but that other child is over a year old so I'm not sure if I'm legally attached to that other kid or not. I understand my son has a sibling but I fail to realize where I'm up against a wall? I didn't get involved in an affair and impregnate another woman and if I did, I'm sure I would probably be made out to be a horrible parent for doing that.

So I will come up with a scheduled parenting plan that's fair for the mom but I do want to be residential custodian from here on out. Would it be wise to bring this scheduled parenting plan of mine and issue it to the mediator? I don't want the mom to be allowed to continuously move our child from one place to the next and to different jurisdictions either. Do you think I could possibly convince the mom to move back to her home state, my home state, and our kid's home state to make things easier for our son and for ourselves? I mean, after all, she did split up with her boyfriend right now. Let's say she does move back, does she have to notify her attorney/my attorney or the court?

If in fact I am the legal father of this other child, do I not have rights to him versus her boyfriend? I'm sure if I fought that, I would lose because I have not once supported this other child and he has lived with her and her boyfriend in another state for 2 years so that state obviously would have jurisdiction over this other child.

Thanks again.

[cdad]

Hey califdad, thanks for your reply too. I owed it to the forum and you guys for helping out by updating the thread.

The mom stated in her affidavit that she has another child, with another man in another state. That was brought up to the judge's attention and apparently it didn't matter because there was no comment on that. I could be the legal father but that other child is over a year old so I'm not sure if I'm legally attached to that other kid or not. I understand my son has a sibling but I fail to realize where I'm up against a wall? I didn't get involved in an affair and impregnate another woman and if I did, I'm sure I would probably be made out to be a horrible parent for doing that.

So I will come up with a scheduled parenting plan that's fair for the mom but I do want to be residential custodian from here on out. Would it be wise to bring this scheduled parenting plan of mine and issue it to the mediator? I don't want the mom to be allowed to continuously move our child from one place to the next and to different jurisdictions either. Do you think I could possibly convince the mom to move back to her home state, my home state, and our kid's home state to make things easier for our son and for ourselves? I mean, after all, she did split up with her boyfriend right now. Let's say she does move back, does she have to notify her attorney/my attorney or the court?

If in fact I am the legal father of this other child, do I not have rights to him versus her boyfriend? I'm sure if I fought that, I would lose because I have not once supported this other child and he has lived with her and her boyfriend in another state for 2 years so that state obviously would have jurisdiction over this other child.

Thanks again.

One step at a time. Going to see a mediator IS the point of developing a parenting plan. Its through mediation that its going to happen and if it fails the mediator may be allowed to make recommendations as to a plan and that is what the judge will go with. That is why you need to have it already made out and in your head line for line so you know where you stand going into it. As far as convincing the mother to do anything.. forget about it. That is not the purpose of mediation and its something you shouldn't discuss with her at this time. The reason being is it could be harassment on your part. At least in the courts eyes. So focus on the child and that's it at this time. No complaining about the past etc. Keep questions to her open ended so it leaves her room to express and for you to find out what's going on. Use words like I think or I believe and have ways ob backing it up. No yelling or screaming or making faces etc. When its your turn to speak, Speak. When your turn to listen listen intently.
When it comes to being the legal father of the child it makes no difference the bio father isn't you. What's important to the law is that there is a legal father. So at some point your going to have to deal with that issue. Like after the custody is settled. The reason being is the longer you wait the more you could be on the hook for. And that is why your against the wall at this time. Splitting of siblings isn't something the courts want to do if it can be avoided. That's why your walking a tight rope until your hearing.

[SteveO82]

Califdad, I think it makes a difference that mom and I shared 50/50 custody of our son before and it worked well. Since we are still married, I don't see how her becoming pregnant with another man is a good thing in the eyes of court. Sure, my son has a sibling but I'm not going for sole custody of my kid. I want to be fair and make sure both the mom and our kid have a steady relationship but I don't want to be held responsible for transportation because I didn't move out of state. Why should I be held liable for that? That confuses me to no end. I'm still going to come up with a parenting plan to make me residential custodian and make the mom the visiting parent because when our kid turns kindergarten age next year, no parenting plan will work unless one of us is residential custodian and because she took him out of his home state where jurisdiction is being held for our child, I think I should be awarded residential custodian... Just because she's called the visiting parent doesn't mean she won't get time with our child and I believe the mom will have a hard time seeing that.. I'll give her time and want her involved in our child's life as much as possible. Will this subject even be talked about during mediation? What can I expect from the mediator are there any general questions or things they do at the start? I mean, I can see all the angles both sides can take when it comes to our child, the distance, time spent with the parent's, etc. I hope the mediator does not shaft either of us and favor one parent over the other (I know it's said that mediators shouldn't do this or that they don't to it but, it does happen.) I really want to push for residential custody when it's mediation time because our kid is one year from kindergarten. I want to present my parenting plan. Keep in mind, the mom lives out of state 125 miles away.

I want to be able to be the primary residential parent/custodian. I don't know if the mediator will consider that or not but that's what I want.

Here's my proposed standard parenting plan:

Standard Visitation Schedule
a. Schedule. The husband shall be the primary custodian and shall maintain the primary residence for the children, and the wife shall be the secondary custodian and shall maintain the secondary residence for the children.

The secondary custodian's custodial periods (Mom) shall be as follows:

The first and third weekends of each month from 6 p.m. on Friday until 6 p.m. the following Sunday. The first weekend shall begin on the first Friday of each month at 6 p.m.;
Each Christmas Day from 3 p.m. until 3 p.m. on the following New Year's Day;
Thirty-one days during the summer (to be taken between June 10 and August 15) to be selected by the non-custodial parent, but upon written notice to the custodial parent at least 30 days in advance of such visitation.
During the odd years, spring break vacation from 9 a.m. Saturday until the following Friday at 6 p.m.;
During the even years, Thanksgiving vacation from Wednesday at 6 p.m. until Sunday 6 p.m.;
Every other birthday of the child from 6 p.m. on said date until 8 a.m. the following morning;
Every Father/Mother's Day from 9 a.m. until 6 p.m. of the same day;
On the birthday of the mother/father from 3 p.m. on said date until 8 p.m. of the same day;
Any other reasonable times and places upon which the parties can agree; and
Each party shall keep the other informed on a current basis as to the primary residence, address and telephone number where the children reside or visit.
b. Activities of the minor children. Both the husband and wife desire to be involved in the various activities of their minor children. These include academic religious, civic (such as Scouts or other civic-related organizations or community projects), cultural (such as music, theater, and the like), athletic, purchase of clothing, and medical and dental activities of the children. The husband and wife agree to cooperate with the other in adjusting their schedules to assure that the children are delivered to and returned from any such activity. It is further agreed and understood that both parties will notify one another of all conferences, programs, or events relating to such activities in such a way that both parties will have an opportunity to participate in such activities of the children.

Should the husband and wife be unable to agree on any aspect of the academic, religious, civic, cultural, athletic, or medical and dental activities of the children, the following party is hereby designated as having the primary authority and responsibility regarding involvement in said activity (Me, the Father.)

As for travel, the court/judge obviously think both of us should be held responsible. I feel I got shafted on that subject and feel like there's nothing I can do but a.) meet the kid's mom halfway or b.) deal with it. When it's time for our kid to go to schooling full-time next year, any other parenting plan will NOT work. That's a fact that both of our attorneys have pointed out.

Also, should I modify my proposed parenting plan as a temporary plan (i.e. instead of weekends, do weeks for the mom; until schooling begins next year? Then alter the scheduled parenting plan for the mom to pick up the child on weekends during the school year?)

What do you think of this?

[cdad]

Califdad, i think it makes a difference that mom and I shared 50/50 custody of our son before and it worked well. Since we are still married, I don't see how her becoming pregnant with another man is a good thing in the eyes of court. Sure, my son has a sibling but I'm not going for sole custody of my kid. I want to be fair and make sure both the mom and our kid have a steady relationship but I don't want to be held responsible for transportation because I didn't move out of state. Why should I be held liable for that?? That confuses me to no end. I'm still going to come up with a parenting plan to make me residential custodian and make the mom the visiting parent because when our kid turns kindergarten age next year, no parenting plan will work unless one of us is residential custodian and because she took him out of his home state where jurisdiction is being held for our child, I think I should be awarded residential custodian... Just because she's called the visiting parent doesn't mean she won't get time with our child and I believe the mom will have a hard time seeing that.. I'll give her time and want her involved in our child's life as much as possible. Will this subject even be talked about during mediation? What can I expect from the mediator are there any general questions or things they do at the start? I mean, I can see all the angles both sides can take when it comes to our child, the distance, time spent with the parent's, etc. I hope the mediator does not shaft either of us and favor one parent over the other (i know it's said that mediators shouldn't do this or that they don't to it but, it does happen.) I really want to push for residential custody when it's mediation time because our kid is one year from kindergarten. I want to present my parenting plan. Keep in mind, the mom lives out of state 125 miles away.

I want to be able to be the primary residential parent/custodian. I don't know if the mediator will consider that or not but that's what I want.

Here's my proposed standard parenting plan:

Standard Visitation Schedule
a. Schedule. The husband shall be the primary custodian and shall maintain the primary residence for the children, and the wife shall be the secondary custodian and shall maintain the secondary residence for the children.

The secondary custodian’s custodial periods (Mom) shall be as follows:

The first and third weekends of each month from 6 p.m. on Friday until 6 p.m. the following Sunday. The first weekend shall begin on the first Friday of each month at 6 p.m.;
Each Christmas Day from 3 p.m. until 3 p.m. on the following New Year’s Day;
Thirty-one days during the summer (to be taken between June 10 and August 15) to be selected by the non-custodial parent, but upon written notice to the custodial parent at least 30 days in advance of such visitation.
During the odd years, spring break vacation from 9 a.m. Saturday until the following Friday at 6 p.m.;
During the even years, Thanksgiving vacation from Wednesday at 6 p.m. until Sunday 6 p.m.;
Every other birthday of the child from 6 p.m. on said date until 8 a.m. the following morning;
Every Father/Mother’s Day from 9 a.m. until 6 p.m. of the same day;
On the birthday of the mother/father from 3 p.m. on said date until 8 p.m. of the same day;
Any other reasonable times and places upon which the parties can agree; and
Each party shall keep the other informed on a current basis as to the primary residence, address and telephone number where the children reside or visit.
b. Activities of the minor children. Both the husband and wife desire to be involved in the various activities of their minor children. These include academic religious, civic (such as Scouts or other civic-related organizations or community projects), cultural (such as music, theater, and the like), athletic, purchase of clothing, and medical and dental activities of the children. The husband and wife agree to cooperate with the other in adjusting their schedules to assure that the children are delivered to and returned from any such activity. It is further agreed and understood that both parties will notify one another of all conferences, programs, or events relating to such activities in such a way that both parties will have an opportunity to participate in such activities of the children.

Should the husband and wife be unable to agree on any aspect of the academic, religious, civic, cultural, athletic, or medical and dental activities of the children, the following party is hereby designated as having the primary authority and responsibility regarding involvement in said activity (Me, the Father.)

As for travel, the court/judge obviously think both of us should be held responsible. I feel I got shafted on that subject and feel like there's nothing I can do but a.) meet the kid's mom halfway or b.) deal with it. When it's time for our kid to go to schooling full-time next year, any other parenting plan will NOT work. That's a fact that both of our attorneys have pointed out.

Also, should I modify my proposed parenting plan as a temporary plan (i.e. instead of weekends, do weeks for the mom; until schooling begins next year? then alter the scheduled parenting plan for the mom to pick up the child on weekends during the school year?)

What do you think of this?

Keeping in mind the mother and you are 125 miles apart you have to be careful on the strictness of times. For most working persons it may be unreasonable for the child to be picked up by 6 if they have to work a full day and then drive 125 miles. You need to remain flexable on that point and also make sure you are open to it. Its better for you to use the words custodial and non custodial rather then husband and wife. Also as far as activities are concerned lets face it with that distance keeping anything on track just isn't in reality. Also expect resistance from her on a major level because if she is the non custodial parent then she will most likely end up paying child support. Something she absolutlely wants to avoid.

The main concerns are the here and now and keeping it real. You may be asked questions like "how would you handle that?". You need to have solid answers. If there is something that the both of you can't agree on then see if binding arbitration is offered in your area to clear things up or mediation. Try not to sound like a bully as far as my way or the highway. You just need to keep your goals in mind. Do research on your school and have it in your head. Go to it and interview to find out class sizes etc. That way when asked your prepared to answer with confidence. Don't sweat too much of the small stuff and be prepared for what your willing to settle with. If you're the custodial parent then work from that angle. Also be prepared to answer food color and friends of your child in case it crops up. Be prepared. Have babysitter information handy and be ready with it if needed. Also try to get a job BEFORE your next court appearance.

[SteveO82]

So, if I do fill out a parenting plan (I have the forms from my attorney), should I list in it that I seek residential custody and should I prepare that PRIOR to mediation?

P.S. what exactly is binding arbitration? What exactly would I need an arbitrator for? I believe it is offered in my state... Could you clear that up for me and is it the same or is that opposite of a mediator? Would I use the arbitrator about the dispute over the distance/his future education and the fact that a joint custody parenting plan with her being out of state won't work once school begins for our child?

Thanks so much!

[cdad]

Im not sure on the exact workings of mediation in your area. But if you are suppose to fill it out beforehand then by all means do so. When I went through it it was from the head. But you had a goal and the paper was for the specifics. This may be in expectation of what your desires are. You don't have to prove yourself on here and quite frankly Id rather you didn't because you could be discovered by the opposing party and then they have a line in to your thinking process.

Im just throwing out ideas for you to consider that can help you get your point across and to sound resolute in your caus. That is why you need all the information and to be totally prepared as you move forward through this. It will not only show your concern for your child but also show you can handle things. Doctors names and records should be in your head when you go into this. Cover all your bases and try not to get nervous or upset. Nothing is as it seems until it is in writing. Just be prepared.

[SteveO82]

Im not sure on the exact workings of mediation in your area. But if you are suppose to fill it out beforehand then by all means do so. When I went through it it was from the head. But you had a goal and the paper was for the specifics. This may be in expectation of what your desires are. You dont have to prove yourself on here and quite frankly Id rather you didnt because you could be discovered by the opposing party and then they have a line in to your thinking process.

Im just throwing out ideas for you to consider that can help you get your point across and to sound resolute in your caus. That is why you need all the information and to be totally prepared as you move forward through this. It will not only show your concern for your child but also show you can handle things. Doctors names and records should be in your head when you go into this. Cover all your bases and try not to get nervous or upset. Nothing is as it seems until it is in writing. Just be prepared.

Thanks califdad, I appreciate the ideas. They do help. I think the difference between mediator/arbitrator is pretty much an arbitrator can make a final decision, mediator's can't. I learned an arbitrator is kind of like a judge/jury for both the parents while they present the facts to the dispute. Now, I don't know if I should go that route and quite frankly, I think the chances the ex will go for it are quite slim unless it is ordered by the court. I think coming up with a temporary parenting plan might be the best way to go and then have it altered once the child begins school and state my reasons (which I removed from my previous post so the thread isn't too revealing.)

Well, mediation is supposed to begin soon so I might come back with an update then!

Also one last question. I have thought about requesting a GAL if neither of us can agree on a parenting plan/schedule. Would both parents have to agree to it or would I just have to request that to the judge to approve and/or appoint a GAL?

[cdad]

The arbitration was for settling future disputes not for this current custody battle your going through. It reads better then just proclaiming you make the decision. I think you get my drift on that.

[SteveO82]

The arbitration was for settling future disputes not for this current custody battle your going through. It reads better then just proclaiming you make the decision. I think you get my drift on that.

Ok I got it now. I'm assuming in order to go for arbitration or get an arbitrator I would have to go through my attorney to request one? I mean that's really the main dispute here is the child's age, next year will be kindergarten, the distance/mileage between, one state has jurisdiction (mine) while the other does not.

The decision should be relatively simple here while I give the other parent as much time as possible to be with the child. That's pretty much where I stand at the moment. The other parent argues that the child is going to start preschool soon but was completely unknown to me and was never brought to my attention either. IMO it's kindergarten and beyond where the real education will begin and become a problem with the distance and any proposed scheduled parenting plan will become a problem without a primary residential custodian, you know what I mean?

Does the mediator even discuss custody titles such as residential, primary, etc? I'm totally assuming yes but don't want to be surprised so that's why I ask here...

Thank you.

[cdad]

No. Its for after the dust settles. Like you both are making a decision for the child and you can't seem to agree. Is it baseball of karate? Those sort of things. Or for deciding a babysitter for the child. Its for those times when you wanted absolute authority in your parenting plan. But you need to make the effort first and the arbitration is your last line so it can end without court or lawyers.

To answer your other question on the mediator yes that is what you will be discussing. Custodial and non custodial positions. As far as legal custody goes its shared 50/50. Its just the physical your worried about and the wording for it would be the custodial one.

[SteveO82]

So had my first mediation appt. the mediator stated that our court system generally won't like the idea of joint custody because of the distance and transporting the child in and out of state. The mother wants sole physical custody... I'm willing to do both joint physical and joint legal (so we both decide on health care, etc.) with me being the residential parent (primary residence for the child) and for educational purposes so he goes to school here since the school system is much much larger here so more schools to choose from (there's only like 4 or 5 elementary schools in the mother's state) and I will also give the mom ample visitation time (basically a lot of holidays, more than half the summer, days off from school, snow days, spring break , the ability to pick him up if he's in day care if she has a day off from work, etc.) will it make me look bad for wanting mom to be involved? I know she is stubborn and wants sole custody of our child and with me seeing him every other weekend which is not what I want... so I do not see mediation working out. Our mediator wants to solve this within 3 sessions. I see our case being litigated... your guys' thoughts? Should I just go for sole physical or stick to my plan? And how will the mom moving out of state look to the mediator since she created the distance and then kept the child from me for more than 3 months? Also, I've been unemployed for 3 years and have done nothing but take care of our child each day I've been with him.. so to be technical, I've spent a lot more time with our child than his mother but still continue looking for employment... thanks.

[cdad]

Just be sure to get your points across and that is really all you can do. Your willingness to involve the mother is fine just don't overdo it. You also need to mention somehow in the conversations that you were primary caretaker of the child before she left. Above all stick to your guns and if it goes to the judge accept whatever happens without a fuss. If it doesn't work out there is always more chances to change it later.

[SteveO82]

Sounds like a plan but what exactly would be the difference with sole physical vs. joint physical (with me being residential custodian)? Or is being the residential custodian the same thing as having sole custody? It is true I have been the primary caretaker of our child since birth and for the past 3 years have been like a Mr. Mom to our child. I can go on and on about what I've done but no need to put that here.

If mediation does not work out since it is required by law before the case can become litigated, approx how long will it take before it actually goes to court/trial? Will the fact that the mom is already paying child support become any kind of factor? What about parental alienation? Child calling me by first name telling me he hates me and doesn't like me when I pick him up? Family members seeing the child terribly dirty, and I mean as if he hadn't been cleaned in a few days... really disgusting ears, dirty socks with holes with food stains, dirty shirt/pants, and smelt bad. He has always looked extremely dirty when picking him up.

[cdad]

Sole custody usually indicates low or no visitation for the NCP. Joint implies some kind of sharing or split. Lets say 80/20 etc. Joint legal custody would be both parties share equally in making decisions for the child like medical and babysitters or schools.
Depending how your state defines it usually most cases are 50/50 joint legal custody and then some kind of split on physical custody. Which seems to be the direction your wanting to go in.

[SteveO82]

yeah I believe it's best for both parents to be involved but a 50/50 shared plan might not work because of the distance... so am I in the right for wanting joint physical with me being residential parent for school, etc and giving the mom visitation on weekends, spring break, snow days, days off from school, any day off she has from work to spend time with him, also summer visitation? I'm just cautious because of the mediator saying joint won't be looked on favorably because of the distance so I don't want to settle on something that's not fair for our child since she has really no reason for sole custody other than she says our child needs "stability, structure, continuity" but I argue and say shacking up with a random guy and moving to his hometown isn't exactly the stability and structure our child needs and that it wasn't in his best interest for her to move with him and make time with me and our child difficult then she kept him from me for months until the court butted in...

[SteveO82]

This is long and for the experts here, I ask you guys to please read carefully -- So, here's an update: We finally have our first mediation session very soon. I recently just found a full-time job. I love it. The hours are great 6:45 AM to 3:30 PM Monday through Friday. So if my son was in school right now, my school down the street offers morning day care starting at 5:30 AM and he can be picked up by his uncle or grandpa after school or he can stay in the after school day care until I pick him up from work. Right now, the weeks that I have our son, he is with both his uncle and grandpa at my home. His grandpa gets off Monday morning and is off work Monday night, Tuesday night. The grandpa watches our son when he gets home from work in the morning from 6:00 AM to about 9:00 AM then the uncle watches him at home until I come home from work. This has gone great so far.

Our son will not be going to elementary school until next fall when he is 5 years old. The mom and I have been doing week to week sharing of the child via court order. I have picked up my son nearly 3 hours away every other week by myself, the mom has someone else drive for her. She has still for 4 years never picked up our boy by herself. This last week, I took pictures and wrote down in a journal because our son had bad sun burns on his back, and has cuts/gashes on his mid section, legs, bruises, and a new scar on his forehead. I've been writing down what I have been doing with him each day. I've also documented that our son asks me the same question again and again, "Are you the real daddy?" I am fully convinced that his mother is brain washing our child. She has a history of boyfriends and forcing our son to call them his Daddy when I have been actively involved in our son's life since his birth and have seen him on an equal basis with the Mom. The mom moved out of state without telling anyone. Her attorney sent out interrogatories to me to fill out. His mom got the same from my attorney. My attorney wants depositions from about 7 family members. Each family member at one point or another during the past 2 years that the mom says she has lived in this other state -- these family members went with me to pick up our son BUT never did we go out of state. It was in my home state at a specific address while the mom was secretly living elsewhere. The mom and her attorney do not realize that I have a wonderful job. My hours are more favorable to our son than the mom who works a 2-10 PM rotating schedule and leaves our son with her boyfriend. Our son has said that his Mom's boyfriend (won't say his name) he says he spanks him with his belt. Now, I don't approve of that and am going to bring it up in mediation. I am also going to bring up that it is wrong to force our son to call someone else Daddy while our son is constantly asking me, "Are you the real Daddy?" It has to end.

Now it is down to mediation. I have paid all my fee's. The mediator has sent the paperwork from an intake interview 5 or 6 times by e-mail because she is doing a long distance type of intake interview since she cannot be here physically. She has still not responded. Our session is coming soon and they have yet to hear back from her.

I spoke to the mediator, and said instead of filling out paperwork on what I want, I'd rather speak about it in person during mediation.

Basically, I would like for us to continue week to week until the child has to go to school next fall. There are about 12 times the amount of elementary schools in my state versus this other state the mom lives in. The school system is far superior compared to this other state. The mom has a history of instability, moving without notice. She has moved 3 times in the past 4 years while I have maintained our son in the same living area his whole life. The mom performed a kidnapping situation along with her boyfriend and retained our son for a period of 5 months without letting me see him and with little phone contact.

I am going to bring that up in mediation and ask that mandatory phone contact be made for both parents. I am also going to ask that both parents share a portion of the holidays during reasonable hours. And next summer, since the mom lives so far away, instead of doing week to week, I 'm thinking every two weeks would be better instead of doing the whole one parent gets him for the whole summer or half the summer. I don't care what anyone says, a child cannot go that long without one parent.

When the child does start school, I am keeping the door open. The mom can pick him up during a day off and spend time with him when she is in my home town. Considering the fact that all his family members on her side live in my home state. If the mom is unable to pick him up but is getting off work early or is anticipating the next day off, I would let an immediate family member of hers be allowed to pick him up for the night but return him at a reasonable hour but not take him out of state. So the child would be returned no later than 8 PM.

I would also be OK with the mom picking the child up from snow days and spending time with him. I would like for his winter breaks to be split between us both. The mom can have the child during spring break each year, mother's day, but major holidays will be split.

In the end, I think joint-legal custody will be good, along with joint-physical custody with me being the residential parent. So, it won't be 50/50 but the Mom will still be able to see him as much as possible.

The mom however wants sole physical and sole legal custody. This is where I have a problem with that. Before finding this new job, I spent the past 4 years taking care of our son 24/7 two weeks out of each month emotionally and physically. I changed diapers, cooked breakfast, lunch, dinner. Read books to him, potty trained him (the mom helped but it was me who really encouraged our son to do it and he started doing it full-time when he was at my home.) The mom has a history of not watching our son real well. He has fallen down stairs multiple times and has sustained cuts, marks, scrapes, bruises. Though I have not gone after the mom through CPS or the authorities, I felt it was best to speak to her personally about my concerns. The mom continues to refuse to acknowledge my concerns and also continues to undermine me as a parent. She has a history of trying to phase me out but unsuccessful at that.

I would like for our child to have stability, continuity, structure which he has gotten with me during the past 4 years. Every person I have ever been around with our son has said the same thing. He's a wonderful kid and behaves unbelievably. This is because I teach him not to be angry, not to fight, to be polite with people, to say thank you all the time, to say please, your welcome. He behaves real well with me. But each time he is with his mom, that's when his mindset changes. His attitude goes off the charts, he's out of control. He says things like: Shut up. I hate you. Leave me alone. Your not my Daddy. I'm not yours!

This breaks my heart and I feel like I either need to request to have a psychological evaluation on our son. Maybe even on the mom and myself. I am convinced the mom is brain washing our boy in a negative way because when she retained him in another state, he was calling me by my first name every time. Also, every time he is at my home he's saying he doesn't want to leave. And I encourage him that he lives with his mother too and he still says he wants to stay. When his mom arrives to pick him up, he gets upset about it and isn't too thrilled to leave. I continue to try to encourage him that he lives with both his mom and dad.

Things are different when I pick him up. He runs out her door for me hugs me with a huge smile, says he's ready to go. He puts his shoes on and wants to go. It's obvious he is emotionally attached to me. The mom wants to change that maybe because she feels my relationship with our son is strong (which it is) and that she feels like she wants more control. That's not what's best for a 4 year old. I do not shower our son with gifts like she does, I do not brain wash him. I tell him both his mommy and daddy love him the same. I do not use our son against his mother. I never have. I have never met a random woman and forced him to call her mommy nor would I shack up with her in another state.

So, what do you guys think of this whole thing now?

[cdad]

Quite frankly I find your last update disturbing. You really need to try to settle things. And in this case you should be asking for full custody and stop with the game playing. She's not with you anymore so get over it. If any man would have hit my child with a belt Id be the one in jail and they would have been buried. That's child abuse plain and simple. You say your finding evidence of it and yet your doing nothing about it? That too is neglegence. If the mom can't handle the child in a proper manner then you need to step up to the plate. Stop being so soft. Its your sons life we are talking about. Also ask for restraining orders. If you go in there with this attitude there is no telling what is going to happen but it will be looked at as acceptable. And if your child is being abused the courts may take him away from both of you. Is that what you really want? If not you need to put up a good fight and that's for your child. A 3 hour trip in one direction is a very long ride. 50/50 doesn't work in that situation. You need to do something proactive or your going to lose your child. Im not suggesting killing anyone either. But what your describing is abuse. Plain and simple.

[JudyKayTee]

I am new to this and, quite frankly, don't have the time to read through all of it - partially because Califdad knows his stuff and doesn't need me to follow him around, agreeing with him.

BUT I will agree with him now - your child is possibly being physically abused and you are concerned with everything BUT that abuse.

I'd worry less about custody and more about the safety of my child. At this moment I find both parents (one of them being you) to be neglectful.

What are you waiting for? How bad does the abuse have to be (now it's bruises and PERMANENT scars) before you make your move?