[Depressed in MO]

Hello everyone. Thank you in advance to everyone who reads and shares their opinion on this. I am looking for some support (or even if you disagree) on a punishment that I gave to my daughter for disobeying me. Here is what happened:

I was on my way home from work yesterday (she had the day off school due to Spring Break)-and she calls me from my babysitter's cell phone and asks me if she can go to her friend's house that lives down the street (just to clairify-my daughter's friend's house, not the babysitter's friend's house). I tell her she can go for a little while but she must get a ride home in the latter part of the evening. She says OK and we hang up.

The babysitter comes back to my house after dropping my daughter off (she had other children and is a nanny at my house) and is ranting about how she dropped her off at a different house other than the one down the street where her friend actually lives. I was livid! She told my daughter to call me and ask me if she could go somewhere with her friend. My daughter called and asked me if she could go to her friend's house! My daughter then turned around and told the babysitter that I said I didn't mind if I let her go somewhere with her friend (other than her friend's house) . So, she lied to me and she lied to the babysitter. My daughter ended up going to her friend's step dad's friend's house-someone who I don't even know and have never met. I haven't even met her friend's step dad. I've heard about him, but never have spoken to the man. She knew I would not let her go and that's why she didn't tell me where she was really going. She tried to pull a fast one on me.
Needless to say, I turned around with the babysitter, kids and all, and went right back to the house where she had dropped my daughter off. I picked her back up-she argued-I tried to explain to her that she is not the boss and she does not lie to me about who she is with or where she is going. I told her if she wanted to be able to go out and do things with her friends, she has to be 100% honest with me in order for me to trust her. She broke my trust and it broke my heart. I then grounded her for a week and told her no friends can come over, and she could not go to any of her friend's house. I also told her she could not use her cell phone.
Was I being too harsh? Not harsh enough? Opinions please. She cried her eyes out last night and all this morning-which broke my heart-but I stayed strong. I appreciate opinions and don't mind constructive criticism as I'm a young parent and could use some guidance.

Thank you.

[JudyKayTee]

You did the right thing - you have to do something that gets her attention. Sometimes it's "the talk;" other times it's depriving her of something.

I would read some of the stories about missing kids to her.

The lying would really upset me!

[J_9]

You absolutely did the right thing! Lying is unacceptable behavior. She needs to learn that now rather than later.

Now, as a double check system, when you give her permission to go to a friend's house, talk to the nanny as well and let her know what you approved of.

[Depressed in MO]

Thanks ladies! I forgot to mention that my daughter is only 12 years old. She is extremely bright, but also extremely mature for her age and she seems to be portraying behavior that I wouldn't normally expect out of a 12 year old. I did actually give her some stories about how kids become missing like that. She may have met these people while at her friend's house but that does not mean that she actually KNOWS these people. I tried to explain to her that you don't KNOW people after meeting them once or twice for a few minutes. Now my test comes-I got to stick with the punishment.

[JudyKayTee]

My rule was not unless I met the parents and unless I talked to the parents about that specific plan.

My neighbor's child came home Saturday night with brushburns I would not have believed. She is also 12. She and her friend went to a local park - strictly forbidden by my friend but allowed by the mother of the child she was visiting - and rode on some guy's dirtbike (also strictly forbidden). She is high honor roll and school smart, street stupid.

He tipped it and she was injured.

My BIG RULE was "don't lie to me. Not now, not ever. You lie once I'll never again believe you."

Kids have no sense of what can happen to them.

[Depressed in MO]

My rule was not unless I met the parents and unless I talked to the parents about that specific plan.

My neighbor's child came home Saturday night with brushburns I would not have believed. She is also 12. She and her friend went to a local park - strictly forbidden by my friend but allowed by the mother of the child she was visiting - and rode on some guy's dirtbike (also strictly forbidden). She is high honor roll and school smart, street stupid.

He tipped it and she was injured.

My BIG RULE was "don't lie to me. Not now, not ever. You lie once I'll never again believe you."

Kids have no sense of what can happen to them.

I know. I know this girl's mother, I should have called her to confirm it. . One thing I cannot stand is a sneaky person. I am not one that can be lied to I always find out the truth eventually. I did go over with my babysitter that from now on, when my daughter wants to ask me if she can do something, then she (the babysitter) needs to confirm it. I just can't believe she doesn't see the wrong in what she did (my daughter). I know I have to be her mother, I can't always be her friend, but she acts like she totally hates me sometimes. If she does not get her way, it's an argument. She is slowly going to become out of control if I do not take the upper hand right now and that scares me. All I can think is -Oh Lord-what next?

[Wondergirl]

I also agree with your punishment and hope you can follow through with it. My only concern is that your daughter will become defiant and, as a result, sneakier.

I have only sons, so maybe someone with daughters could address that.

[Wondergirl]

I just can't believe she doesn't see the wrong in what she did (my daughter).

Kids also believe they are immortal, and that horror story about somebody else will never happen to them.

[EmoPrincess]

As a kid, I even agree with punishing her. At that age, my parents were always checking up me. I think that the suggestions expressed already are grand ideas.

[justcurious55]

Wondergirl makes a good point. I think you did the right think and I think you should follow through with the punishment, but make sure she has opportunities to earn your trust back.

It sounds like you are on the right track and don't have her on too short of a leash for her age right now. Just make sure you stay on the right track. When kids feel like they're being babied too much and that they can't talk to their parent, it can definitely lead to sneakiness. Keep talking to her and making sure she knows she can always tell you the truth.

[Depressed in MO]

Kids also believe they are immortal, and that horror story about somebody else will never happen to them.

Exactly-I know! She always argues "MOM! I'm smarter than that, I won't ever do that stuff (on discussions we have re: drugs, sex, etc.). But then she does things like this-I think this is only the beginning of what I'm about to endure. Not that I don't love my daughter or think the best of her, she just needs to understand that it's about her safety and that I love her. And no matter how much I tell her that, she thinks nothing will ever happen to her. A lot of her friend's parents let her friends do a lot more than I let my daughter do (go to the mall by themselves, go to an amusement park, the local wal-mart, the movies) by themselves. I won't let her go unless there is a parent present and I do have to talk to the parent. She thinks I'm over-protective-which maybe I am, but she still gets a lot of freedom. She gets to have friends come over, slumber parties, she is only 12 years old, but the girl looks like she is about 14-15 years old. Scary stuff...

[justcurious55]

I never believed my mom either when she told me I couldn't walk places with my friends because she didn't trust other people. I had to learn on my own from other people. I believed her when I started paying to the news and all the missing children stories, when I would watch all those 48 hour mysteries and cold case files, or took self defense classes where they really focused on what easy targets women can be for predators. Maybe its time for her to take a self defense class. It sounds like she might need to hear everything you're saying from someone else to really get it.

[Wondergirl]

I won't let her go unless there is a parent present and I do have to talk to the parent.

That was always my rule too.

You can tell her it's not HER you're worried about as much as the other people she'll be with (like the dirtbike driver?). Just like when I drive my car. I know I'm a terrific driver, but then there are all those other drivers on the road with me...

[Wondergirl]

make sure she has opportunities to earn your trust back.

Maybe that's a good way to forestall future defiance and sneakiness -- tell her she's going to have to suffer for a few days, but then tell her how much you love her, so you will be thinking of ways she can regain your trust in order to shorten her prison time. Maybe she can even make suggestions for this. It'll give her something to think about.

[Depressed in MO]

Maybe that's a good way to forestall future defiance and sneakiness -- tell her she's going to have to suffer for a few days, but then tell her how much you love her, so you will be thinking of ways she can regain your trust in order to shorten her prison time. Maybe she can even make suggestions for this. It'll give her something to think about.

Well I grounded her for a week with NO Cell phone activity and NO friend activity-which of course is torturous for her. So I think in a few days I'll let her use the cell phone to have contact with the outside world, but no friends can come over and she cannot go over to a friend's house for the remainder of the week (including the weekend).
I'm doing the best I can. There are other problems too, which I don't know if I should start another thread or not, but I have her in counseling right now too, so the fact that she pulled this stunt after all we have been through really just makes me feel betrayed.

[hheath541]

I wouldn't give her the cell phone back. If you have a house phone, let her talk to her friends that way, but limit the amount of time she can use it. If you start caving on one part of her punishment, she may think she can push the rest of the limits. At least for right now, you need to stand by the letter of the punishment.

[Wondergirl]

if you start caving on one part of her punishment, she may think she can push the rest of the limits.

I didn't say Mom should cave in. Since the daughter isn't a bad kid, use her good brain and desire to behave by getting her to invest in her own rehab in various ways. If she's part of the solution, maybe that will make her think twice and a little deeper next time when she's presented with choices.

[justcurious55]

If you're going to give it back, I'd make her work real hard to earn it back early. Me and my cousins never cared if we got grounded early in the week. We knew by the weekend we'd be off the hook and get to go out. We only worried when we got in trouble on a Friday or Saturday. Those days were harder to get out of trouble. But we still knew that at least half the time we'd still get out of being grounded. It just turned into empty threats and we knew it.

[Depressed in MO]

if you're going to give it back, i'd make her work real hard to earn it back early. me and my cousins never cared if we got grounded early in the week. we knew by the weekend we'd be off the hook and get to go out. we only worried when we got in trouble on a friday or saturday. those days were harder to get out of trouble. but we still knew that at least half the time we'd still get out of being grounded. it just turned into empty threats and we knew it.

This is exactly what she does to me! I grounded her through the weekend as well-she will not be free by then. But she probably thinks she will. I have to stand my ground with her or else she will never take me seriously.

[J_9]

I have to stand my ground with her or else she will never take me seriously.

Yes Ma'am you do! You need to stick with the initial punishment or she will know what buttons to push if there is a next time.

Mo, you know me by now and you know that I don't sugar coat, even with my own children. If she cries, sorry, she did something wrong and is now facing the consequences. If she doesn't want to get in trouble she needs to be honest with you at all times. She needs to know that next time she gets caught, the consequences will be worse.

You did exactly what I would have done. Now, keep with the punishment, but don't keep bringing up what happened.

You love her, but you don't like what she did. She needs to know that.