[J_9]

It might help to talk to her therapist about your concerns.

Did your ex have any influence over her? If so, this conversation might take a different direction.

[Depressed in MO]

It might help to talk to her therapist about your concerns.

Did your ex have any influence over her? If so, this conversation might take a different direction.

I have/do speak to her counselor about my concerns. She hates the ex-so I don't think her behavior is reflective of his. She is crying out for some kind of attention obviously-but not from me. Or so it seems...

[J_9]

Mo, she's being a pre teen. She's not necessarily crying out for attention, she's trying to grow her wings and fly but feels held down because of your rules. This is what teens do.

Now, if she were getting drunk and sneaking out at night and having sex, that would be attention seeking.

She's just trying to see how much she can get away with. Going to the school nurse to get out of school is so common. I deal with it quite frequently with my 8 year old. Once he learned that he has to stay in bed and cannot play with the neighbor kids, that behavior stopped.

Oh, I am glad she hates the ex. I really hoped we did not have to go down that path.

[Depressed in MO]

Mo, she's being a pre teen. She's not necessarily crying out for attention, she's trying to grow her wings and fly but feels held down because of your rules. This is what teens do.

Now, if she were getting drunk and sneaking out at night and having sex, that would be attention seeking.

She's just trying to see how much she can get away with. Going to the school nurse to get out of school is so common. I deal with it quite frequently with my 8 year old. Once he learned that he has to stay in bed and cannot play with the neighbor kids, that behavior stopped.

Oh, I am glad she hates the ex. I really hoped we did not have to go down that path.

There are other underlying issues as well-which I did not mention. About 3 months ago she started cutting herself (this is hard to type as it is very dis-heartening)-which is why I put her into counseling. She doesn't speak much to the counselor but I've been keeping on top of it. It seems to me that she is seeking out some kind of attention. She has low self esteem and seems depressed at times. I don't know if I should contact the pediatrician or just give the counseling more time.

[J_9]

How long has she been in counseling?

[hheath541]

I take it, from the little bit j has said, that you're coming out of a bad relationship fairly recently. Is it possible she's reacting to that?

How long has she been in counceling? Do you go into the sessions with her? How often does she go? How long are the sessions?

It can take a long time to trust a therapist enough to open up to them. I would give it more time.

You should also do your best to limit the number of sharp objects she can get a hold of. It'll be hard. It's amazing how many things it's possible to cut yourself with if you really think about it. Knives, razors, safety pins, scissors, needles, nails, screws, glass, nailclippers and pretty much anything else you can get an edge or point on.

[J_9]

Heath, this was a VERY bad relationship.

It's my guess that she was responding to this relationship by cutting. She can control her own pain by cutting, but she was not able to control anything else when this so-called man was in your life.

Knowing you and your relationship Mo, I really do believe that the cutting has a lot to do with this relationship you were in and what she had been exposed to while you were in this relationship.

[Wondergirl]

It's my guess that she was responding to this relationship by cutting. She can control her own pain by cutting, but she was not able to control anything else when this so-called man was in your life.

Control is what it all comes down to. Bingeing and purging, cutting, even piercings and tattoos (kids, not adults), and any kind of acting out are attempts to control at least one thing in their lives when all else (they think) is beyond their control.

[hheath541]

Does her therapist specialize in child therapy? Does she have experience dealing with those who self-harm? If not, then the therapy will likely get nowhere.

[Wondergirl]

does her therapist specialize in child therapy? does she have experience dealing with those who self-harm? if not, then the therapy will likely get nowhere.

As long as the therapist understands the minor's need for control and knows where to go from there, I don't agree that the therapist has to be versed in dealing specifically with self-harm. The counseling programs are broad enough that specifics like that wouldn't concern me as much as how well my child and the therapist "click."

[ohsohappy]

When I was 16, I cut myself for a short time. It was SO stupid. There aren't any scars because it was never deep, but I did it for control and attention. It backfired, I got less control at least, and not the kind of attention I was looking for. She wants something, she wants to express something, but she doesn't know how to tell you. I'm sure she probably feels helpless and like no matter what she does she has no control, those are some things that she DOES have control over and she will take it where she can get it.
Limit the sharp stuff around the house as much as you can. Because she will fond soemthing if she wants to, and maybe make her go to the bathroom BEFORE she eats so she doesn't use the excuse that she has to pee, then keep an eye on her. Distract her after dinner. Maybe offer to watch a movie with her, rent one for the two of you and just sit and enjoy it. That way You can spend more time together, try to bond, and you'll be keeping an eye on her health. I hope it works.

[Depressed in MO]

Well her real dad just committed suicide back in October-I know that bothers her a lot. Someone she knew at school had cut themselves-a few of her friends do it (she won't tell me who). So I really don't think that her cutting herself has anything to do with my relationship with the ex. Not to say that some of her other types of behavior isn't related-but I don't think the cutting has anything to do with my ex. I currently don't have insurance. I have been working with the school counselor who referred us to a free counselor who works specifically with children. She has seen him twice. He is only available every two weeks. So this is all new and I believe it will take time. I know she would prefer a woman counselor over a man so I am looking into that as well. I apologize it has taken me so long to get back to you all-I don't have the internet available to me at home so I can only use it Monday -Friday when I'm at work.

[justcurious55]

That almost seems scarier to me if she's just doing it because her friends are. Doing things because everyone else is, or it seems like everyone else is, just never seems to go well. I hope this counselor is able to help her. I think you're right though, I think it will take time to see results. It really does sound like you're doing everything you can to be the best mother. I hope your daughter can see that, that everything you're doing is for her best interest.

[Depressed in MO]

that almost seems scarier to me if she's just doing it because her friends are. doing things because everyone else is, or it seems like everyone else is, just never seems to go well. i hope this counselor is able to help her. i think you're right though, i think it will take time to see results. it really does sound like you're doing everything you can to be the best mother. i hope your daughter can see that, that everything you're doing is for her best interest.

Yeah. When I try to ask her why she is doing it she doesn't really give me a straight answer. But it always ends as "...well I'm not the only one who does it, some of my friends do it too!". She just says she has a lot of pressure because of her friends. She has told me some of the drama she goes through sometimes with her friends, she has a lot and is quite popular though. It's just catty tween stuff. But she takes everything to heart and carries it with her. She told me she didn't know why she cut herself and that it was stupid and she never wanted to do it again. But she ended up doing it again.
Supposedly, she told some of her friends that her ex boyfriend died of leukimia (sp?) that is why she cuts herself (her ex boyfriend did not die). Then she told them that she had cancer and was going to die and that not to ask me about it (because they didn't believe her) because I didn't know about it yet. This is absurd. Of course she denies it all, but there are some serious underlying issues that I just cannot plainly see. I know they are there, but I don't know what exactly they are.

[justcurious55]

I had a friend in middle school that also cut. We were best friends, went to school together, lived down the street, and she still managed to hid it from me for I don't even know how long. I had no idea she had ever cut until one of our other friends started to. That's when she started talking about it. She'd been in counseling for a while too. She could never really explain why she did it. She said it was almost like an addiction and even once she wanted to stop it was difficult.

[Depressed in MO]

i had a friend in middle school that also cut. we were best friends, went to school together, lived down the street, and she still managed to hid it from me for i don't even know how long. i had no idea she had ever cut until one of our other friends started to. that's when she started talking about it. she'd been in counseling for a while too. she could never really explain why she did it. she said it was almost like an addiction and even once she wanted to stop it was difficult.

I know. There has to be some kind of mentality behind it though-it can't be unexplainable. I mean-what is going through these kids' minds when they do this. I mean, I know some possibilities, but it seems as if none of those relate to my daughter. She is hiding something really well, I really am scared for her at times, but am afraid of how to approach her in fear of her ending up never coming to me at all when she needs someone the most.

[justcurious55]

I think its safe to say that everyone here knows you love your daughter and will always be there for her. But maybe she needs more reassurances.
You've probably already told her this, but just in case you haven't yet, make sure she knows that if she's ever in any trouble or needs you, that you'll be there for her. She's a little young for the drinking and driving example, but it's the only one that comes to mind. My aunt made it very clear that she did not want any of us drinking, but that if we were going to drink, we'd be in way more trouble if we drank and drove than we would be if we drank and called her to come pick us up. Maybe she's worried you'll be mad at her for whatever it is she is hiding and that she'll get in trouble. I remember I used to be much more worried about getting in trouble for something then I was for getting help for anything when I was younger.

[hheath541]

Well her real dad just committed suicide back in October-I know that bothers her alot. Someone she knew at school had cut themselves-a few of her friends do it (she won't tell me who). So I really don't think that her cutting herself has anything to do with my relationship with the ex. Not to say that some of her other types of behavior isn't related-but I don't think the cutting has anything to do with my ex. I currently don't have insurance. I have been working with the school counselor who referred us to a free counselor who works specifically with children. She has seen him twice. He is only available every two weeks. So this is all new and I believe it will take time. I know she would prefer a woman counselor over a man so I am looking into that as well. I apologize it has taken me so long to get back to you all-I don't have the internet available to me at home so I can only use it Monday -Friday when I'm at work.

She's been going through a lot, and she doesn't know how to understand and deal with it, yet. Give her time. If, after about 6-9 months, it doesn't seem like there's any progress, see about finding her additional, or different, help.

Having a male therapist, might actually be good for her. It sounds like she lacks male role models, men she can look up to and trust. Learning to trust this therapist may help heal the wounds caused by her father's death and your ex's actions.

Is there a support group in your area for children who've lost a parent to suicide? My niece goes to one. She also went to a summer camp last year for kids like that. They had group therapy along with the other activities. Her father hanged himself in January last year, a week before her tenth birthday.

If my sister hadn't already been in a relationship with a really great guy, and hadn't found that group, then it's very possible that my niece could've ended up like your daughter. As it is, talking to other kids who've gone through the same thing, has helped her a lot. She doesn't have to feel like she's alone and no one understands her.

Yeah. When I try to ask her why she is doing it she doesn't really give me a straight answer. But it always ends as "...well I'm not the only one who does it, some of my friends do it too!". She just says she has a lot of pressure because of her friends. She has told me some of the drama she goes thru sometimes with her friends, she has a lot and is quite popular though. It's just catty tween stuff. But she takes everything to heart and carries it with her. She told me she didn't know why she cut herself and that it was stupid and she never wanted to do it again. But she ended up doing it again.
Supposedly, she told some of her friends that her ex boyfriend died of leukimia (sp?) that is why she cuts herself (her ex boyfriend did not die). then she told them that she had cancer and was going to die and that not to ask me about it (because they didn't believe her) because I didn't know about it yet. This is absurd. Of course she denies it all, but there are some serious underlying issues that I just cannot plainly see. I know they are there, but I don't know what exactly they are.

She probably doesn't UNDERSTAND why she's doing it. She's on twelve. I know at that age, I didn't understand all my emotions, let alone what caused them.

She obviously wants attention and for people to feel sorry for her. My guess, is that she's more hurt and upset by her father's death and your ex's actions than she's letting on. She doesn't want to seem weak and effected by those things, so she's creating other situations for people to feel sorry for her over.

Have you tried sitting her down and explaining exactly how you would feel if she DID have cancer? What about talking about your feelings about her father's death and your ex? Sometimes, it helps to know what someone else is feeling. She may realize that she's not the only one to feel the way she does.