[lola64]

Hi,
My Dad passed away in January after a long illness. Mom and he were married for over 43 years. I have never experienced grief the way I have over the last few years during the illness. I don't know the 'etiquette', I am trying to get through it the best way I can: feel it when I need to, function when I can. My mom is, understandably, feeling this in a completely different way than I: I know it's a sad but natural feeling to lose a parent.. but, to lose a partner is crushing. There has been a long history of conflict between she and I: but we worked together the past 3 years as dad's main caregivers, sharing a common goal. Now, that we are both in 'different' grieving processes, I am having a very difficult time in 'being there for her', 'comforting her'... I feel like I was there the whole time and now I need to be alone.. but she needs someone! She isolates herself and doesn't have many close friends that she reaches out to.. my brothers aren't much good and she tries to lean on me. I'm just not strong enough.. I want to be there for her, but I'm finding it so hard to be, I don't have much 'give' left.. as terrible and selfish as that sounds!
Any suggestions? What am I going through here? Why am I acting so selfishly and how can I break out of it?
Thanks..

[JudyKayTee]

First, you aren't being selfish. There is no right way or wrong way to grieve. I lost my husband and my grief and that of his daughters, my stepchildren, was very different.

I, like you, for a very long time wanted to be alone with my grief and my memories.

How much support does your mother need? Have you tried talking to her, telling her that you are also grieving and need some time to yourself? Perhaps she would get some comfort out of a support group, although she seems to be a loner. Support groups did not "work" for me but I met other widows who received a lot of benefit from a group.

You have to take care of yourself first and foremost.

I wish you luck-