[roxypox]

The thing is... she tried to call my brother and ended up sending him a text telling him were and when this would take place. My aunt (dads sister) called her and asked her to put it of. She called the funeral home and asked them to put it of.

But she did tell my brother so I we were "technicly" not left out. But she knew that I wouldn't be home until yesterday... so why not put it of until I was home? Why not call us before making the arrangements and letting us take part?

He had talked to her about his wishes when my grandfather died in 2007. But not since then. From what she told us.

We weren't a big part of their lives. Not by choice I might add. I was the only one who had conntact with him these past few years. Several times over the past few years he called me and told me that he missed all of us and was genuinly sad that life turned out the way it had. He also asked my advice on how he could regain and maintain better conntact with my siblings. My siblings did see him though on two occations in 2008 and I haven't seen him in person since we saw him christmas 2008.

I don't know. I'm just tired. Things have been complicated for the past 15 years and even more so in the past 10. My mom made it difficult to. For him, for us. I feel that the contact he and I established in 2003 was the start of a better road for us and I wish I knew him better. I know my sister who is 5 years younger than me has had an even more difficult time with this.

I'm sad, I'm tired, I'm angry and I'm sick of this insomnia riding me. I'm going back into therapy next week though. Which will be good for me I think.

JudY: a baloon is a nice idea!

Kit: I talked to my fam and we're going to have a private seremoni. For us.

My brother is taking me to the grave site to day though. I'm thinking pale pink roses... they smell good, they have nice delicate color, and are a mix between white (peace) and red (love) so yeah. I'm pretty settled on that.

And Judy, it prob would have been painful for me. To have been there. But now I feel this sense of rejection. Like my pain doesn't matter. Only the pain of the others. Like my pain is non existent. Like I wasn't my dads kid. Like I'm not sad, heart broken and confused. It feels like a slap in the face.

When he died they didn't call us at first... my brother found out through a friend (who is friends with our step sis) the whole situastion is f-ed up!

[shannongilmour]

Yu have every right to feel what you do, and it is horrible the way that you've all been treated in this.

I have had it said to me "Death changes you." and I saw the negative change in others, but I also felt the positive change in myself and others as well.

As hurt as you are, try not to let your dad's death and the events around it change you into someone you do not like. You should not excuse the negative behavior that was done to you and those you care about, but in time, please learn to forgive... forgiveness isn't so much for the other person as it is for you.

A person tried to take your closure away by not telling you. The message behind this is quite clear in that mistakes are made with people who are left in control to deal with funerals and planning, the realm of thinking this person was in, was clearly a flight and fight response and a bit of panic and perhaps a bit of an authority telling everyone'this is my husband' and you know what? In the light of eternity it doesn't matter. You can hold your head up high, and know that your dad would have been proud of you how you handled the situation and he would not want you to worry about this small stuff. I know it seem monumental to your heart but I think your dad would want you- you to concentrate on the message behind his words when you last spoke to him. He would want you to look upon your memory and remember and know without a shadow of a doubt that in his own way your dad was trying to tell you that he loves you fiercely. We make choices and at the time they seem ideal, but there is nothing that can cause us to stop loving our children, no matter the situation, or who comes into our lives.
You were precious to your dad, and this is what your heart needs to cling onto right now, because the hurt and struggle of trying to make sense of all these actions of this tragedy will never make sense. Hang onto the memory for your heart's lifeline and know regardless of what others may think, want you to believe, or have shown through their actions. Your dad loved you and love all his children. That can never be taken from you. You were loved, were wanted and even through this slap in the face, you can hold your head high and rise above this to live your life in integrity to show yourself that your dad valued you because of who you are!

[Kitkat22]

The thing is... she tried to call my brother and ended up sending him a text telling him were and when this would take place. My aunt (dads sister) called her and asked her to put it of. She called the funeral home and asked them to put it of.

But she did tell my brother so I we were "technicly" not left out. But she knew that I wouldn't be home until yesterday... so why not put it of until I was home? Why not call us before making the arrangements and letting us take part?

He had talked to her about his wishes when my grandfather died in 2007. But not since then. From what she told us.

We weren't a big part of their lives. Not by choice I might add. I was the only one who had conntact with him these past few years. Several times over the past few years he called me and told me that he missed all of us and was genuinly sad that life turned out the way it had. He also asked my advice on how he could regain and maintain better conntact with my siblings. My siblings did see him though on two occations in 2008 and I haven't seen him in person since we saw him christmas 2008.

I don't know. I'm just tired. Things have been complicated for the past 15 years and even more so in the past 10. My mom made it difficult to. For him, for us. I feel that the contact he and I established in 2003 was the start of a better road for us and I wish I knew him better. I know my sister who is 5 years younger than me has had an even more difficult time with this.

I'm sad, I'm tired, I'm angry and I'm sick of this insomnia riding me. I'm going back into therapy next week though. Which will be good for me I think.

JudY: a baloon is a nice idea!

Kit: I talked to my fam and we're gonna have a private seremoni. For us.

My brother is taking me to the grave site to day though. I'm thinking pale pink roses... they smell good, they have nice delicate color, and are a mix between white (peace) and red (love) so yeah. I'm pretty settled on that.

and Judy, it prob would have been painful for me. to have been there. But now I feel this sense of rejection. Like my pain doesn't matter. Only the pain of the others. Like my pain is non existent. Like I wasn't my dads kid. Like I'm not sad, heart broken and confused. It feels like a slap in the face.

When he died they didn't call us at first... my brother found out through a friend (who is friends with our step sis) the whole situastion is f-ed up!

I'm so sorry Roxy... I wish I could take away some of your pain and anger. I just heard the song "Dance With My Father Again", last night and even though he's been gone for eight years I still cry. I think this ceremony will help. God bless you Sweetie.Remember this you are not alone... I'm sure there were reasons your dad thought he had to do this.
No one knows... I do know this, no matter how you lose a parent.. it tears your heart out of your chest. You are strong.. I can tell that by the way you have written your feelings.

Don't you ever forget, you were his child and he loved you. Don't forget that ever! Sometimes this world is just too hard for some people and they think suicide is the only way out. If they only knew the pain they leave behind. I really don't think your Dad was in the right frame of mind to know how badly he would hurt you and your family by his actions.
You are strong and you will get through this and it will get easier... I promise you. When my dad passed away from multiple health problems, I had come home to rest after spending nearly every waking moment at the hospital and finally after he had been there nearly twenty-one days.. I left the hospital to come home and rest.. I chose that night to do that.

I was in bed and the phone rang and my husband came in the bedroom and said, "he's gone". I could not and even now cannot believe I left and he died after I had come home.
All my brothers and sisters were with him except me and I remember kissing his forehead and his hands and saying, "I love you Daddy, see you in the morning".

I know I will see him again soon, when it's time for me to leave this world and he'll be healthy and no longer crippled and he'll be in heaven and it will be wonderful. But every now and then I think.. "if I had been laying in that hospital so sick, he would have never left me". There is a reason for all the things that happen, good or bad and someday we'll
Know why. Hugs and prayers to you... Kit

[MTassie]

Wow, this is really hard. You have 42 answers so why I'm doing this? My dad took his life on April 13, 2008, and I remember everything as though I am still in that very moment. Because my dad was a donor, he was kept alive with machines for an extra day, I don't need to describe to you the confusion and false hope we all felt. October 19, 2008 seven months later my own children's dad took his life, and his little brother (my kid's favorite Uncle at the time) took his on November 17, 2005. I don't see this pain ever subsiding, only growing deeper and darker for my children and myself. Ive never felt this kind of pain, my dad was my best friend, and now my poor kids.
Some days the fog lifts and I know things will never be the same, its not that the pain will leave you, it's that somehow with time it somehow becomes manageable. The hurt remains, but you become stronger (at times even callus) and learn to walk with your head up and know how to stop the tears. Now at least you'll know, nothing else can hurt you...

[alexander223]

On 13 of spetember my father comitide suicide by his pistolet. I was sleeping in my room. He killed himself when I was sleeping what do I have to do I am depressed

[KellehKat]

I'm sorry this answer is so late..
My father committed suicide May 17th, 2007. We lived alone, because my parents had joint custody. When I came home one day, there was a rope over the bathroom door. He hung himself and I was 11 years old when I found him. I came to live with my mom after that. I still have breakdowns and cry. Its not getting much better yet. I just realized recently.. I don't even remember his voice. I still blame myself even..

[JudyKayTee]

Ths post literally breaks my heart. A very dear friend of mine committed suicide and her children are still haunted by it.

You know it's not your fault. It really isn't. For whatever reason he simply felt he could not go on.

As far as blaming yourself, unfortunately, there's a certain survivor's guilt, guilt that you are here and he is gone. I have been told it's part of the grieving process.

I was widowed following my husband's long illness and I still get twinges of that same "Why didn't I/couldn't I do something to save him" feeling.

Do you talk to someone, a professional, maybe someone who just listen to you, understand? I found group to be no help but one on one helped me, even if it was "only" a friend who cared and understood.

And, again, I'm so very sorry.

[loveart]

My name is Olya... live in Berlin. I don't know how to start... My father committed suicide when I was 5. They divorced when I was 10 months. My mom only told me when I was 16 and it was quite a shock. I mean I always thought that when a person dies it's kind of normal but with suicide it's different I've never had somebody who actually did it. I'm 24 now and I can say that the pain is gone but I still don't understand the reason and that makes me really depressed. Sometimes I have dreams and I talk to him and ask how he can recognize me because I was so small. I don't remember him at all (he started another family and had a son (my halfbrother)but he had good relationship with my mom, send postcards for my birthdays and no problems with alimony he even gave me my mother's name)... I just don't understand how he could! Because he had 2 children he was a loving and caring father!As far as I can judge by my stepbrother's memories.
I never thought about suicide or read anything before but some days ago I had this vivid dream where I talked to him and I decided to read about it and to hear other people. I know that I should get used to live without him but these thoughts they make me so sad (I'm going to marry in some time and I always wanted my father took me to the church or to tell him that I graduated and found a good job... )And sometimes I want to capture that moment when he came to visit me but I can't:((
I don't think this is the right place to write but I see that guys here understand the way that I feel. And maybe somebody has a clue how NOT to center on this thought. I just needed to share my story. I thank you all for reading.

[roxypox]

Love hart: have you considered therapy? It might be good for you to talk to a professional about your feelings surrounding your fathers suicide. It seems that you might benefit from having a professional to talk to about the feelings you have. I'm sorry that I can't be more helpful than this... I honestly ddon'tknow how you can prossess the feelings you are experienceing.

[loveart]

Thank you roxypox for your advice I guess I'll consider this option. It's just nice to have a response:)

[roxypox]

I'm glad you found it helpful. A therapist might be able to help you to process what has happened and your feelings... and even shed some new light. Best of luck hon!

[Krazy0510]

My dad committed suicide in may leaving me(17) and my little brother(2) behind he also hung himself and his girlfriend found him although a lot of people think she is the reason he did it but I don't like her she already has a new boyfriend since fall and I wonder why he did it I was going to call him the night before but I thought it was too late so that day I got home from my 5k race and my mom told me to sit down she said it was about my dad I was like so what him and Melanie got into a fight happenes all the time she shook her head no I was like what is he dead and she shook her head yes I just fell it felt like someone put a knife thro my heart a punch in the face and it made me mad he did the day before mothers day and he left me his baby girl who he says he loved all the time but yet he left me he left my little brother who won't even remember him I'm going to have to tell him how great his dad was how funny his dad was but what if he starts asking did daddy love me did he do it because of me... That's what losses me off the most and ever since me and my moms relationship has gone down because I can't talk to her like I talked to my dada and she is making me see a consuler which I don't want to do but my dad was truly my best friend he might have not been the best influence but he was the best person to talk to now I often turn to guys or weed which sucks but I don't know it makes me feel better and when I get in trouble she cries because my dad took care of that kind of stuff I loved him so much and my mom didn't understand why he never did anythng for me but its because he actually listened to me and I could talk to him I can't talk to my mom like I could with him :( and this year the day after prom is the one year mark which is also mothers day I don't know I just he could have talked to me about this instead of doing this I love him and always will even though he is gone I know he is watching his baby girl :)