[jumper86]

I dated my girlfriend for about 13 months. We spent some time getting to know each other over about 6 months before rushing into our relationship. After about 8 months of being exclusive I started acting up pretty bad.

I became really clingy and if I couldn't get her time I would make a huge fuss about it and cause arguments. Oftentimes when she was over my house we would be talking and she would tell me something about her friends or her work and because some of the people she is friends with and works with are younger there would be such a drama and even though I should have listened to her, I would get impatient and say that I was tired of listening to that rubbish. I also accused her for about a month about something which I had no facts on and heard through a rumour.

One episode which I really regret happened somewhere in the middle of that mess. I never drink. It was my birthday and some friends had taken me out and of course after a few drinks I was pretty drunk. She was unable to make it out for drinks because her she had been out of the country and her plane didn't land until later in the evening. She said she would come over to my house after I'd been with my friends and we could have some private birthday time together.

Anyway, she came over. She could obviously tell I was drunk and asked how my night was. I then shouted at her raising my voice very loudly because she was unable to make my birthday. I was completely out of order.

About a month after this she asked to take a break because she could not cope with me anymore. We took the break for two weeks and she came back. Of course I had no changed and we stayed together for another 2 months. I was still just as bad and she said she did not know what to do anymore. I stupidly told her I was not waiting around for her to make her mind up. She couldn't believe me. I was the cause of all these problems and I wouldn't wait around for her to decide. She told me it was over and to get my act together.

I left and over the course of the next week realised how I had destroyed the relationship, if you can call it that.

I started working on myself. I never contacted her over this time but she contacted me quite regular to see how I was doing. Its been around 10 or so weeks since the split and she says she wants to give things another try with me.

She came over to my house last night and we talked and talked. She didn't agree to go back out with me but just yet. She said she wants to see if my behaviour has changed first before she makes any decisions.

There was some talk of putting a rough time limit on it but I called against this. I don't want to say after a month of spending time together we'll make a decision to get back together, because if I act up again right around decision time, its going to have a bad result.

She said she won't be with me until she's seen a significant change. Its like we're going back to dating again.

I would love to have her back right now but this isn't an option for me and realistically Im not in a position to ask for that.

How can I prove that Im changing and I won't display those behaviours again?

Thanks guys.

[AmericanGirl01]

I think that if you both truly want to get back together you need to take things very slow. You need to be 100% honest with yourself (and her) about where you're at.

You've realized that you need to make some changes, that's great, no one is perfect.

I agree that you shouldn't put a time limit on it. Just take things very slowand don't jump back into anything too fast. Keep the communication and honesty wide open.

[jumper86]

I think that if you both truely want to get back together you need to take things very slow. You need to be 100% honest with yourself (and her) about where you're at.

You've realized that you need to make some changes, that's great, no one is perfect.

I agree that you shouldn't put a time limit on it. Just take things very slowand don't jump back into anything too fast. Keep the communication and honesty wide open.

I am eager to get back, she has a lot of interest but obviously doesn't want to jump back into anything. I imagine this is to protect herself from ending up in that situation again.

Ive explained where I am at and she appears to be giving me another chance. I need to make sure I do not mess it up this time. Its not very often in life you get second chances!

I shouldn't try to prove myself too much though right?

Just allow her to spend some time in my company and let my actions do the talking.

Thanks

[AmericanGirl01]

Yes, exactly, words are just words. At the end of the day your actions are going to speak A LOT louder.

Don't expect that you'll get back together or put too much stress on yourselves. Just take is very slow, keep things casual and see what happens.

[Kitkat22]

[She sounds like someone who has both feet on the ground. I think you need to appreciate what kind of person she is. You may get another chance and I hope you do.

You need to find out where your anger is coming from. She loves you, you love her but sometimes that isn't enough. Talk to a counselor.
Don't let this nice young lady slip through your hands.:)

[myagony1234]

You are so lucky your girl friend loves you, and she is so patient with you.
However, you have bad temper, uncontrollable anger, and it will destroy any relationship or anyone around you if you do not learn proper anger management.

You should be aware of your issue clearly, and do some counseling to make change effectively. Let her know you are working on your issue, and your progress. I guess she will give you one more chance, but you SHOULD NOT mess up at this time.

Where do you think your anger coming from? Let’s talk over here. We may help.

[Kitkat22]

You are so lucky your girl friend loves you, and she is so patient with you.
However, you have bad temper, uncontrollable anger, and it will destroy any relationship or anyone around you if you do not learn proper anger management.

You should be aware of your issue clearly, and do some counseling to make change effectively. Let her know you are working on your issue, and your progress. I guess she will give you one more chance, but you SHOULD NOT mess up at this time.

Where do you think your anger coming from? Let’s talk over here. We may help.

Don't mess it up if she does come back. Treat her as she needs to be treated... Good luck!

[jumper86]

You are so lucky your girl friend loves you, and she is so patient with you.
However, you have bad temper, uncontrollable anger, and it will destroy any relationship or anyone around you if you do not learn proper anger management.

You should be aware of your issue clearly, and do some counseling to make change effectively. Let her know you are working on your issue, and your progress. I guess she will give you one more chance, but you SHOULD NOT mess up at this time.

Where do you think your anger coming from? Let’s talk over here. We may help.

She said she got a real fright when I raised my voice and shouted the time when I was drunk because she didn't expect it. She didn't suggest that she was scared I may become physical but we previous had a boyfriend who actually physically abused her one time and she cut him loose. Now I can say for certain that I believe it absolutely unacceptable to hit a woman. So there is no worry there.

My outbursts and constant nagging have come more from impatience and seemingly not getting what I want. She refers to them as "stroppy episodes". She of course got tired of these because they became uncontrollable.

I am an only child and Ive always been very needy as a person. I got everything I asked for as a child. My mother never said no to me. The only thing I could never seem to get enough of was her attention. No matter how much she gave me, I wanted more. Then when I didn't get that attention I'd act up.

My girlfriend refers to this as only child syndrome. She believes as soon as I don't get what I want or get an answer from her straight away, I kick up a fuss and create a whole situation this isn't necessary. She says Im a lot of work to handle.

Im not a bad guy. She says when Im not acting out Im the most caring person she's ever met. She loves coming to our house, thinks we're a great family and she fits in very well. Ive done a lot for her and her for me. She just can't stand to deal with my unpredictable actions any longer.

I don't just want to appear to have changed, but actually make a change.

Thanks

[Kitkat22]

She said she got a real fright when I raised my voice and shouted the time when I was drunk because she didnt expect it. She didnt suggest that she was scared I may become physical but we previous had a boyfriend who actually physically abused her one time and she cut him loose. Now I can say for certain that I believe it absolutely unacceptable to hit a woman. So there is no worry there.

My outbursts and constant nagging have come more from impatience and seemingly not getting what I want. She refers to them as "stroppy episodes". She of course got tired of these because they became uncontrollable.

I am an only child and Ive always been very needy as a person. I got everything I asked for as a child. My mother never said no to me. The only thing I could never seem to get enough of was her attention. No matter how much she gave me, I wanted more. Then when I didnt get that attention I'd act up.

My girlfriend refers to this as only child syndrome. She believes as soon as I dont get what I want or get an answer from her straight away, I kick up a fuss and create a whole situation this isnt necessary. She says Im a lot of work to handle.

Im not a bad guy. She says when Im not acting out Im the most caring person she's ever met. She loves coming to our house, thinks we're a great family and she fits in very well. Ive done a lot for her and her for me. She just can't stand to deal with my unpredictable actions any longer.

I dont just want to appear to have changed, but actually make a change.

Thanks

Not a lot of guys would be as open and honest as you! You

Love this woman and I really am pulling for you both . It takes a big guy to admit his mistakes.

I'll be praying you two will work it out and I think you have made some great strides in getting there. Good Luck:)

[talaniman]

Then change! In actions, not words, or false promises, just do it, or go back to mommy!

[Kitkat22]

You have to grow up and be the man I think you can be. I wish you the best.

[vanheart]

"rushing into our relationship"

"I would make a huge fuss about it and cause arguments"

"I was completely out of order"

"if I act up again right around decision time, its going to have a bad result."

"She said she wont be with me until she's seen a significant change"

Not sure I would want to be with you either (if I was a girl, hehehe)


Take a hard look at your actions.

[vanheart]

Work on your issues first. (insecurity, neediness, anger, communication)

Then relationships.

Treat ones as you like to be treated.

[Kitkat22]

Work on your issues first. (insecurity, neediness, anger, communication)

Then relationships.

Treat ones as you like to be treated.

Remember the counselor and find out what makes you this way. It always helps to hear how you can improve. Good Luck:)

[vanheart]

That's what its ALL about. Improving ourselves.

Do some work on that. Seriously & honestly.

[Kitkat22]

Thats what its ALL about. Improving ourselves.

Do some work on that. Seriously & honestly.

A relationship is hard to maintain especially when one partner is acting like a child. I do hope you two work things out!:)

[the_original]

Good luck to you! Its very rare to get a second, never mind third chance... haha she must love you bro


Take your time, and seriously consider therapy to find the root of your anger and clingyness.

[jumper86]

Thanks guys.

Just one detail that was a typo, I meant we didn't rush 'into' a relationship. Spent time getting to know each other first.

I'll work on myself as much as I can and find somebody to speak to about my issues.

There's no guarantee here which is what makes it hard. Which means if I don't show a change, she will leave for good.

Then again, if I were only doing it for her, I'd be doing it for all the wrong reasons. I need to do this for myself.

We have a date set up for tonight. Im going to take her to see a movie, maybe stop by a busy area and do a little people watching afterwards then get a take out on the way back. Should be fun!

[amicon]

Like you said,any changes you'll be making,you should be doing for yourself,nobody else.

Babysteps and I hope you have a good,relaxed time.

[myagony1234]

Hi,

I dont just want to appear to have changed, but actually make a change.

This is exactly what I wanted to hear. I can see why she loves you. I am happy to help you. :)

1. Your girlfriend not only loves you, but also she has great wisdom and insight at her age. She knows your “only child syndrome”, and “stroppy” nature clearly, and gives you another chance. This girl is absolutely keeper. If you loose her, you will regret.

2. Your issues:

I raised my voice and shouted the time when I was drunk because she didnt expect it….My outbursts and constant nagging have come more from impatience and seemingly not getting what I want….i am an only child and Ive always been very needy as a person. I got everything I asked for as a child. My mother never said no to me. …She believes as soon as I dont get what I want or get an answer from her straight away, I kick up a fuss and create a whole situation this isnt necessary.
…She just can't stand to deal with my unpredictable actions any longer.

Your word clearly shows that you have spoiled brat single child syndrome with you (sorry for language, but it is honest term). Your mother's parenting was wrong, made you as impatient brat. She should say no often, but she didn't when she raised you.
In real life though, we all get so many “no” more than “yes”. You HAVE TO deal with it. You cannot always get what you want at the exact time. You need to EARN what you want with patient hard work, because the whole world is not serving you for FREE like your mother. In real world, you are not the center of this world. Everybody is equally important in this world. You are not getting special treatment or shortcut.

On birthday, she came back from trip, was exhausted and tired, but showed up for your birthday. However, you yelled at her like a 3 year old boy. It was very immature & childish act. No excuse. Let's put it behind it as the one last episode, and make sure it will not happen again even with heavy usage of alcohol. You need to control alcohol, if it gives bad influence.

What I am concerned is, while you are not thinking through, you will out burst easily in future again. Since you are self centered, careless, selfish, nasty, and out bursting child inside of you, you NEED TO WAIT 5 MINUTES TO COOL OFF when you feel you have urge to act out, and CONSIDER OTHERS FIRST around you BEFORE YOU DO ANYTHING, and NEVER SERVE for your uncontrollable bad temper. It is easy to say, but it is really hard to do since you do not have enough experience to consider others so far in your life. Please read some anger management related books, and use some counseling. It will really change you, and make you happy. Anger man cannot be happy. You HAVE TO SET FREE YOURSEF from anger first to be happy FIRST. Period.

Regarding to attention from her, it is normal to want endless & full attention from lover, but you CANNOT get it by yelling or out bursting. It scares the lover and pushes them away. The right way to get her attention is giving her attention first as exactly you like to get. Then she will reciprocate. You should give her shoulder massage when she showed up for your birthday Instead of yelling (she was tired. Remember?).

3.

The only thing I could never seem to get enough of was her attention. No matter how much she gave me, I wanted more. Then when I didnt get that attention I'd act up.

You are clingy, and emotionally dependent like a child. Stand alone, live your life by your own as happy person, and loves her as grown man. She should not be a main resource to make you happy all the time, cannot feed your ego 24/7.

As you said, you are not a bad guy, but need a lot of work to do.
Have you started work on yourself already? :)