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Homegirl 50 · May 10, 2010, 08:55 AM

She wants a friend with benefits on her terms. She wants to know that you are there when she wants you, nothing more than that.

This will take time and every time you slip and contact her it adds to that time.
This girl is a no no. Stop hoping for things that are not going to happen with her.
Continue the NC. It will get better.

vanheart · May 10, 2010, 08:58 AM

All the more reason to remove this from your life.
The source of your constant frustration & uncertainty.

Who needs that.

Let her manipulate someone else.

NC buddy. Never let her jerk you around ever again.

amicon · May 10, 2010, 09:18 AM

Don't allow this pattern to repeat itself any longer.

Stop the confusion and the pain by staying NC forever.

talaniman · May 11, 2010, 01:36 PM

Wow guy, a whole month an a half to figure out its over? Not a record, but definitely time to get with NC, and stick to it. You have a life to rebuild that you enjoy.

BillRoland · May 12, 2010, 11:17 AM

Yes, a month and a half ago I should have initiated NC and stuck with it. Let this be a lesson because now I am back to day four of NC after a month of starting over numerous times. And each time it got worse. I feel worse today than I did weeks ago.

But instead, I fell victim to the "I miss you", "I love you", "I want to see you", "I want to try again" contact that was coming over and over again from her when I wouldn't respond.

And then as soon as I did - it went immediately back to "I still want to be single".

I want to blame her for lying and leading me on. But I guess I only have myself to blame. It would have been so much easier if she had just left me for someone else. Instead, she kept up the habit of telling me there was no one else and repeadtedly telling me she wanted me in her life. But the truth was I wasn't good enough anymore to be the only one, just a safety net for her. And she did what she had to do blaming me for my own pain in the end. I guess my only solence is it shows me what type of person she truly is, I wish I would have figured it out five years ago and before I turned 34.

vanheart · May 12, 2010, 11:23 AM

Yes, yes, and yes.

Just be happy to know that she will never hurt you again.

You will be a better & stronger person because of this lesson.

Homegirl 50 · May 12, 2010, 01:02 PM

It would have been a lot easier if you had not continued to break NC only to be told the same thing over and over again. No one can make you feel bad without your permission. "Hurt me once same on you, hurt me twice, shame on me"

You know the drill, you know you will feel a little pain but you also know it will get better.
Today is a new day, walk into it.
I wish you well.

BillRoland · May 19, 2010, 11:52 AM

Hey y'all. It's been about a week since my last post and wanted to provide you with an update.

After giving in to her contacting me and telling me she wanted to start over, but then when I did agree to see her being told she still wanted to be single, I again dealt with starting NC over again. I've been making decent progress. Have kept NC for over a week now, and it is much harder this time? Still very sad in the mornings and late at night - when I think about how at one point I had her as the biggest part of my life and now she will be that to someone else. Thinking about how if I met her today and we started dating, I definitely would have married her before I let it get to this point. It's very difficult to focus on the negative things that happened between us and I find myself more thinking about how I will never find someone better - as I wasn't able to in the prior twenty years that I've dated. I guess it's just because I haven't found anyone else yet that I am interested in, so it makes it even harder as the girls I have been meeting don't even compare to her.

To make things worse, she continues to call me real late at night a few times, I'm guessing when she's drunk, and send me texts messages saying that she misses me. Again, I guess only when she's lonely.

Right now I find myself just trying to make it through the days, but not really enjoying life. I've even taken to joining multiple sports leagues, taking drum lessons again and hanging out with my friends, but none of seems to really matter to me. More of a way to just keep myself busy. It's funny how one thing can affect you so much.

Homegirl 50 · May 19, 2010, 12:51 PM

You will have days like that, but you hang in there.
There is someone out there better for you, she was obviously not the one.

You have made it one week, you will make it another. Soon she will get the message and stop her late night calls and texts.
We are here for you.

bella99 · May 19, 2010, 01:33 PM

That's how it goes. Stay busy - and you will start to have a life that she isn't involved in as much and you will stop thinking about her.

Evenutally you will start to get really pissed off that she keeps contacting you giving you the run around, and you won't even think about talking to her anymore. It's normal to be sad in the morning and evenings when your mind is winding down. Just keep yourself htinking about the other things that are going on in your life like the sports leagues and drum lessons. If you start thinking about her, change your train of thought - go for a jog with some loud music or something.

What you need is time - you put in one week - just keep adding them up one week at a time.

BillRoland · May 24, 2010, 07:58 AM

Does anyone think I may need psychological counseling? It has been two months since this ordeal started and I am still not over it. I think about my x ALL the time. I try to stay busy during the day and surround myself with friends and family on the weekends but no matter what I do or where I go I feel like I am completely alone in this world. I feel like nothing else matters. I feel like there is only one person who can make it better.

I've broken up with women before even those I've dated for a long time but it has never been like this. Feeling so alone. Feeling like you'll never meet anyone else. Comparing people I meet to her and not wanting to even talk to them because they aren't as attractive or interesting or intelligent. I can't seem to focus on the bad things that happened and can only remember the good and think how I will never find that again.

In related news she called me four times on Friday night at 3am, drunk I'm guessing. I didn't answer and didn't return the calls. That was three days ago. Nothing since. It's been two and a half weeks since starting NC over for the third time.

talaniman · May 24, 2010, 08:05 AM

Fact is you need more time.

It's been two and a half weeks since starting NC over for the third time.

A lot more. Counseling is an option if you need additional guidance.

bella99 · May 24, 2010, 08:28 AM

I didn't even start posting on this site till we had been broken up for 3 months, so 2 months is nothing dude! If you cared about someone it is going to take a while. Check out a counseling program if you think it will help, but nothing but time is going to make you feel better. Plus every time she contacts you its like starting over.

I say you need to either block her phone calls or get a new number. You need to go "dark" for a few months so you have time to heal. Or at least change her name in your phone to DNA (do not answer).

Once you make a conscious decision to remove her from your life - things will get better. Until you want to do that - you will keep living the life you do now.

Homegirl 50 · May 24, 2010, 09:22 AM

As bella99 just said, you have to make a conscious decision to remove her from your life. You have to want to be over her.
This is going to take time, there is no easy fix to this, but it will get better.

the_original · May 24, 2010, 10:30 AM

nothing but time like the others said... its been 5 months since I was dumped and I still think about it every day... I also get random texts from my ex trying to catch up or say hi but you did the right thing by ignoring your ex's calls. It is just a set back... you know what you have to do, continue to do it. Keep pushing through the days man

BillRoland · May 24, 2010, 11:54 AM

It's a bad situation. This sounds awful, but the only real way I will be over her is if I meet someone I like as much. I feel like there is a void in my life as I have a lot of people who I am good friends or aquaintances with but no one who is always there for me; you know the one person you want to phone when something amazing or awful happens in your life. That is what hurts the most - feeling like you will never have that again.

To make things much worse we live in a small town and run in the same circles. My friends and relatives run into her all the time and then will tell me they saw her out at this bar or this event. In fact, one of my co-workers who met through us still talks to her and does things with her. I don't speak to him anymore because of it but he is friends with my friends and other co-workers so it makes it worse because I will hear about them hanging out from my other friends and have to see him at work. Every time I hear about it, it feels like I'm starting over again.

talaniman · May 24, 2010, 12:12 PM

I feel like there is a void in my life as I have a lot of people who I am good friends or acquaintances with but no one who is always there for me; you know the one person you want to phone when something amazing or awful happens in your life.

Basically your talking about a good friend. If you don't have one, why is that?

My fear is you are trying to replace what you have lost, and that is NOT the way to go. Healing is by yourself, for yourself, by building around your happiness, and not making someone else happy.

When that sinks in, you will start healing, instead of suffering.

bella99 · May 24, 2010, 01:17 PM

I live in a small area as well and had to deal with knowing that all of my friends still hung out with my ex. You just need to ask them to keep any info they have on her to themselves.

Sounds like you need to actively make an effort to make some new friends.

It's a bad Idea to just try to replace someone with someone else - you could end up hurting that other person because you used them just to get over the old girl. Plus you will never actually heal and will just continue to hurt. Learn to be on your own and love yourself and being on your own - then your life won't rotate around another human being.

A relationship is meant to be an added benefit to you life alone on earth - not your entire world.

BillRoland · Jun 1, 2010, 07:58 AM

I wanted to provide y'all with a quick update. So I was making it through NC and things were getting better. To be honest I was still completely miserable. I was getting good at not responding to her or taking her bait but making through every day was a battle. Last night I went to a party a friend of mine was having. I walked in and guess who was there.

Yep, Lindsay - the x. In an effort to be cordial I said hello to her as it was a small event and unavoidable, so I tried not to make it akward. We had a brief conversation about her sister and that was that. A few hours later she kept coming up to me to tell me different things. We spoke a few times. As the night wore on, I had a little too much to drink. I'm not sure how exactly it ended up happening, but I left with her and we went back to her place. Y'all can fill in the blanks.

The next morning I woke up, we went to breakfast and she kept telling me how miserable she was. She said that she didn't want to be single anymore and she wanted to be with me again? That she missed us and she wanted to marry me? I didn't reply or say antything, just changed the subject. When I left, she told me that she loved me. Since then she has called twice to ask me to see her again.

So here is the question. Can one person completely change their mind so quickly? Four months ago she broke up with me wanting to be single. Since then she has flip flopped many times telling me she loved me but as early as two weeks ago still telling me she wanted to be single. Now, the opposite? Is that even possible? I know that I may eventaually be setting myself up for a world of hurt again. But to be honest, this morning knowing that she wants me and I have the control - I have never felt better. I am able to function without being so sad or thinking about her all the time. In fact I feel great. How can one person make me so happy? So is it wrong to date her again and maybe things will work out or maybe I'll meet someone else while I do. Or, will that just make things more difficult? I guess what I'm asking is - I've read a lot on here about this "Grass is Greener" thing that women her age go through. Could that have been the case? Or, is there entirely something else I'm missing why now all of sudden she wants me back?

Homegirl 50 · Jun 1, 2010, 08:17 AM

First off, get the "she wants me and I have the control" thing out of your head. It's tacky.
Getting drunk and having sex opened wounds, brought back memories and set you back. I would not start dating her again right away, she still sounds like she doesn't know what she wants.
I'd tell her what you guys did was a mistake under the circumstance and you two should give yourselves some space. Tell her space means no phone calls no text, NC. Suggest you'll see how you feel in a month or so.
You have now set the ground rules for NC, when it starts and when it ends.