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veryashamed · Mar 28, 2010, 05:00 AM

hello, my wife has asked me to leave to give her space last week and she won't acknowledge me at all!!
I am going to be honest about this so you have got a clear picture,
I am 36 years old and have been married for twelve years, we have 2 babies (well I will always call them my babies) boy of 9 and a girl of 7 my wife is the same age as myself (av)
before I start getting into it I have to make this very clear there is a lot of love in our family its not all bad and I mean a lot of love, we had a massive row 2 weeks ago and I lost control of myself and I pushed her away physically!! "has this happened before?" "YES" and I hate myself for it absolutely hate myself. I didn't mean too and I don't realise until after it happens, I feel I have been a bully psychologically and physically probably since we got together about 13 years ago I feel I have been controlling her in almost everything she does and I can tell its now like a "volcano has erupted" and every thing is coming out and I can see it , I should have seen it a long time ago though,
I have hurt her so much she won't acknowledge me at all, I found it very hard to leave the house (our home) and I'm absolutely scared stiff I won't see my toothbrush in the bathroom again, my wife is the sweetest person on earth she is soft gentle kind caring and has done nothing but be the best mother and wife any man could want, I feel sick to my stomach for what Ive done I can't explain it, I have never been here before!! she said that she felt like she's always walking on "egg shells" and that she's had enough" and she needs space, I think that space means its over, she hasn't told me its over but is making it very clear that she wants nothing to do with me, the minute she asked me to leave it was like i had been squashed and my whole life has gone, its been confusing, I have been angry with myself and straight away i made enquiries about anger management and CBT and i have these booked in and im trying my hardest to tell her how remorseful and sorry I am but nothing is working to break her silence I send a text every night saying "good night x" and absolutely nothing I m lost do you think there is any chance of recovery, now the only big issue i have is that her sister went through marriage breakup last year and my wife was the shoulder and now she spending time with her sister and it scares me that the advice she is getting might be corrupt not intentionally but her sister has gone through a bad time and i think her opinion could poison any chance for me to be able to hold my wife again, after twelve years I could write a book but i think i have skimmed over it and im riddle with guilt, embarrassment and shame but feel like "well I can't explain it" and I want to go home more than anything

king702 · Mar 28, 2010, 06:32 AM

Dear Mr. VeryAshamed, I've been through something similar, I will be 100% honest to you according to my knowledge...
Accepting you have a problem is normally the first step, but realizing that your problem has effected your life is normally too late... Some damage has been done, but its fixable...
If I were you I would give her the space, after all she deserves it... In the meantime while she's taking this temp break, put yourself in her position... would YOU take you back? If so, why? You need to show this women that you love her and somehow make her understand that this will never happen again and you will work on being a better man... not that your not a good man, but obviously you've taken her for granted... marriage means a lot more things than people normally consider it to be... She is your LIFE partner, the mother of your children, the rightful owner to your love and respect, the caretaker of your household, if you can't give her the respect and the status she deserves then maybe you don't need to be married to her; Otherwise it will not be fair to her as a human being... Please don't try to break her silence, because at this point you can ONLY show that you are sorry, saying your sorry won't do it... remember ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS... have faith, apologize sincerely and do something that may trigger some mercy in her heart and she might take you back, after all... I hope I helped, don't forget to pray, God always helps the most ;)...

-king702

Catsmine · Mar 28, 2010, 07:27 AM

I'm afraid that most of the advice on this forum has gone against you. You said you have been physically abusive. Just how violent have you been? Does she have reason to fear for her or the childrens' safety? I'm not asking if there is a reason; I'm asking if she might think so.

I would suggest, like King, that you get yourself together before you attempt to reconcile. Many threads on this forum have filled up with people telling women (and some men) like your wife to run fast and far. Anger and control issues need to be dealt with for your sake and then for your family.

sabrewolfe · Mar 28, 2010, 07:41 AM

Your not going to be able to talk yourself out of the physical damage you have done, that's for certain.
Give her the time and space she needs and deserves. By you bothering her, even just that little text message at night just to say goodnight, is an act of ignorance and desperation to her, not remorse. Leave her alone completely!
And don't consider her sisters advice to her to be poison just because it might be targeted at you. If she's telling her that she deserves better than physical violence from you, then she is absolutely correct. And you admitted to being that way.
Sorry, Im not going to try to give you any advice on getting her back, because I don't believe you deserve it. I do not condone your actions at all. Especially the mother of you children!
Suck it up brother. You made your bed, now lie in it.
You have a lot of nerve to do something like that and then come on to something like this to cry your heart out and expect sympathy.

Cat1864 · Mar 28, 2010, 11:02 AM

I notice that there is a lot about what you want in this and your feelings. You seem to be still attempting to control your wife's healing and thought process.

She asks for space-you keep trying to get her to talk to you. She tries to talk to someone and you worry that the advice will create problems for you.

Right now the only contact you should have with her should be dealing with the children and the house. Do not use those subjects as ways to get your foot back in the door.

Give yourself time to change because you honestly want to change. Don't go into counseling, etc. just because you think it will be the ticket back into the house. You don't have just the physical aspect to work on, but the mental and emotional as well. Those will be more difficult to overcome because they are often trivialized and rationalized in the mind of the 'abuser'. Understand that you are in for a lot of hard work. There will be setbacks. You will want to try to minimize any damage that they can cause.

Give her time and space. You may need to give your children time and space, too. Show them you understand you have made a mess of your life, then give them the opportunity to forgive you and accept you back, if they can.

Devorameira · Mar 28, 2010, 12:15 PM

Your wife was right in asking you to leave, as she was in an unsafe situation. You are an abusive man. Consider yourself lucky that your wife did not call the police and have you arrested.

The only way you can earn her back is to eliminate your abusive behavior. Changing abusive behavior is a long and hard process that you cannot do alone. It is extremely important that you get professional help to get through it. Though you may not know it, you rely on your beliefs and attitudes to justify the abuse. With help you can change these beliefs and learn how to treat your partner with respect.