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babygurl1977 · Mar 24, 2010, 01:05 PM

I was told something from a friend recently and she asked me for my advise the only problem is I couldn't give it to her because I had no experience in this topic and didn't want to give the wrong info or advise so I'm asking if you are in a relationship with someone in this case it being a male and while arguing about something he grabs your face to look at him when he is talking and refuses to let go is that considered abuse? Also when she has a problem with him and confronts him about it he gets all worked up and then it ends up being flipped on her like he will bring up things she has done in the past or something to steer her thinking away from what's really going on and makes her forget why she got angry with him to begin with! Anywayyyyy if anyone can help leave your advise thanks!

Kitkat22 · Mar 24, 2010, 01:28 PM

You really care for your friend a lot and that's good.

First of all if he grabs her face in anger that is abuse.

If he yells and screams when he gets angry, that is emotional abuse.

Making her feel guilty when he has his tantrums is mental and emotional abuse.

It won't get better. I know that for a fact been there, done that.

Someday he will get angry and it will esculate into something more than
Grabbing the face and yelling.

He's an abusive man. Tell her to get out.

Domestic Violence and Abuse: Signs of Abuse and Abusive Relationships -

Please let your friend read this. Keep posting. We want to help:)

hheath541 · Mar 24, 2010, 01:39 PM

He's exhibiting all the warning signs of a seriously abusive partner.

I would suggest she break up with him over email or text. There's no telling if he'll get physically violent if she breaks up with him in person.

If he insists on trying to see her after that, or says or does ANYTHING that could be considered a threat or makes her feel unsafe in ANY way, she'll need to take a restraining order out against him.

AmericanGirl01 · Mar 24, 2010, 01:42 PM

I agree with everything the above posters have said, especially about breaking up over text or email.

This is mental,emotional and physical abuse. It is only a matter of time before the physical abuse escalates into something more.

It's obvious you care about her a lot, it was probably very difficult/embarassing for her to even talk to you about this. Please tell her she needs to get out before this guy does some serious emotional or physical damage

amicon · Mar 24, 2010, 01:51 PM

It's abuse,and abuse usually escalates.
You should tell her to get out immediately.

Breaking up over email is a good idea,and she should make sure she has friends and family around after the breakup.

talaniman · Mar 24, 2010, 07:10 PM

Its abuse, and she should get away from this idiot before it gets worse. It will get worse.

Kitkat22 · Mar 24, 2010, 07:19 PM

Originally Posted by talaniman

Its abuse, and she should get away from this idiot before it gets worse. It will get worse.

She is in danger! Go online and look at the statistics of women murdered by a spouse or boyfriend. Tell her to leave!

Fr_Chuck · Mar 24, 2010, 07:27 PM

Can't even consider why you needed to even think about it, of course, he crosses several lines.

He grabs her ( that is physcial) won't let her go, serious problem.

And he "flips out"

She needs to run from this guy

Enigma1999 · Mar 24, 2010, 07:43 PM

Hello babygirl,

I agree with everyone else!

Ok, I am going to share something with you that I don't really share with others. Only once in a while when needed, and it is needed.

I was married for a few years. At first, everything was great! He was my best friend, my lover, my everything... After a year, I realized that he had begun to get upset with me for little things. He became very possessive over me when any other man would look at me... Things of that sort. So his abuse started verbal.

THEN... it was him grabbing my arm and punching walls next to me. Pointing his finger at my face spitting on me while talking to me.

Well needless to say, it ended bad, because one night he decided that he would teach me a lesson and punch me in my head TWICE, while I was driving the car! I ended up going to the ER.

I was so afraid of him, that I purchased a gun, and I am terrified of guns!

After that I left him! I promised myself that I will NEVER relive that again. That NO man will ever do that again!

I am not telling you this to feel sorry for me, I am telling you this, because I didn't have a good friend like you by my side.

Please, help your friend out! Tell her to leave him! It starts with blowing up and then... Well... That's when it gets bad. He should NOT put his hands on her!

He needs anger classes!

I wish you and she the best of luck!

babygurl1977 · Mar 24, 2010, 08:00 PM

Originally Posted by Enigma1999

Hello babygirl,

I agree with everyone else!

Ok, I am going to share something with you that I don't really share with others. Only once in a while when needed, and it is needed.

I was married for a few years. At first, everything was great! He was my best friend, my lover, my everything.... After a year, I realized that he had begun to get upset with me for little things. He became very possessive over me when any other man would look at me.... Things of that sort. So his abuse started out verbal.

THEN.... it was him grabbing my arm and punching walls next to me. Pointing his finger at my face spitting on me while talking to me.

Well needless to say, it ended bad, because one night he decided that he would teach me a lesson and punch me in my head TWICE, while I was driving the car! I ended up going to the ER.

I was so affraid of him, that I purchased a gun, and I am terrified of guns!

After that I left him! I promised myself that I will NEVER relive that again. That NO man will ever do that again!

I am not telling you this to feel sorry for me, I am telling you this, because I didn't have a good friend like you by my side.

Please, help your friend out! Tell her to leave him! It starts with blowing up and then..... Well... That's when it gets bad. He should NOT put his hands on her!

He needs anger classes!

I wish you and she the best of luck!

Thank you for your post it takes a lot of courage to talk about such personal things openly and I appreciate all of your answers I will definitely talk to her and show her everyone's post. The thing is she keeps telling me that's all he's done he doesn't hit her or grab her often and they have been together for 8 months already and if he was going to get out of hand it would have happened already... I just don't get it

Kitkat22 · Mar 24, 2010, 08:05 PM

Originally Posted by Enigma1999

Hello babygirl,

I agree with everyone else!

Ok, I am going to share something with you that I don't really share with others. Only once in a while when needed, and it is needed.

I was married for a few years. At first, everything was great! He was my best friend, my lover, my everything.... After a year, I realized that he had begun to get upset with me for little things. He became very possessive over me when any other man would look at me.... Things of that sort. So his abuse started out verbal.

THEN.... it was him grabbing my arm and punching walls next to me. Pointing his finger at my face spitting on me while talking to me.

Well needless to say, it ended bad, because one night he decided that he would teach me a lesson and punch me in my head TWICE, while I was driving the car! I ended up going to the ER.

I was so affraid of him, that I purchased a gun, and I am terrified of guns!

After that I left him! I promised myself that I will NEVER relive that again. That NO man will ever do that again!

I am not telling you this to feel sorry for me, I am telling you this, because I didn't have a good friend like you by my side.

Please, help your friend out! Tell her to leave him! It starts with blowing up and then..... Well... That's when it gets bad. He should NOT put his hands on her!

He needs anger classes!

I wish you and she the best of luck!

Enigma.. You sound so much like me when I was very young. Different ERs when the doctos questioned his stories of me being clumsy.Bad memories! I got out:) and so did you and that shows a lot of character and strength! Thanks for sharing God Bless!:)

Enigma1999 · Mar 24, 2010, 08:06 PM

Hello again,

You mentioned, "He doesn't hit her or grab her often". He has grabbed her though, and that's how it starts. A grab here, a shove there... So on and so forth. He needs professional help, and she needs to get away from him. For now!

Kitkat22 · Mar 24, 2010, 08:14 PM

Originally Posted by Enigma1999

Hello again,

You mentioned, "He doesn't hit her or grab her often". He has grabbed her though, and that's how it starts. A grab here, a shove there... So on and so forth. He needs professional help, and she needs to get away from him. For now!

And he always cries and apologizes and tells her he does this cause he loves her. For a couple of days he's so sweet, then she cooks something he doesn't like or ask for money to buy formula for the baby and heaven forbid she questions him about something he doesn't want her to question him about and he goes ballistic. Another ER visit only this time they know you didn't fall. Same song and dance. Tell your friend to get out.

hheath541 · Mar 24, 2010, 08:46 PM

Abusive relationships almost ALWAYS start slowly. Many times, everything is fine until they get married. Then, after it's 'too late' to back out, the serious hitting and yelling starts.

If he doesn't already, he'll start telling her who she can and cannot see. She'll slowly find herself with fewer and fewer friends. She'll see and talk to her family less and less. He'll be reading all her emails and questioning her about every phone call and text. If there's ANY length of time when he doesn't know exactly where she is, then he'll call and leave screaming voicemails accusing her of everything he can think of or he'll show up when he does find out where she is or he'll wait and confront her in person later.

My mother was in an abusive relationship. It got to the point where she wasn't allowed to use the phone without him being right next to her. Any mail that wasn't a bill went immediately into the trash. She didn't see or hear from ANY of her friends or family for more than two years.

My sister's ex was abusive. When they were together he regularly screamed in her face, and pushed her a couple times. After they broke up, it got worse. If he thought she was out on a date, he called her and left VERY offensive messages when she didn't answer accusing her of all kinds of things. He would drive past her house all night looking for her car. One time, he broke down her front door and trashed the place and sat there waiting for her to get home (thankfully, she was spending the weekend with a friend). He once pushed her down and spit on her, while she was holding their baby son and their 8 year old daughter watched.

They were together for 8 years before any of that happened.

Just because your friend has been with her boyfriend for 8 months and he has to hit her, doesn't mean anything. The fact that he's already shown himself to get physical when he's mad, is a VERY bad sign. People like that ONLY get worse. It may be months, or even years, before he reaches the point where he actually hits her but he WILL reach that point if she stays with him.

amicon · Mar 25, 2010, 03:57 AM

Grabbing ONCE is one time too many.

Your friend is in classic denial and showing signs of erroding selfesteem.

She needs to leave him right now before its too late.

Romefalls19 · Mar 25, 2010, 05:23 AM

This is abuse and she needs to get out of this relationship before things get worse, and they will

Kitkat22 · Mar 25, 2010, 10:28 AM

Originally Posted by Romefalls19

This is abuse and she needs to get out of this relationship before things get worse, and they will

Tell your friend she has other choices and I don't mean another man. Does she have family or would someone give her shelter until she gets on her own? A lot of women are scared to leave because they fear they can't survive alone.

If she doesn't there are shelters and other places she can go. If she has money help her find an apartment close to you! Get a restraining order against him. Buy a tazer and if he bothers her zap him where it hurts. Don't kill him :eek:use just enough zap to keep him down until the police get there.:)