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It doesn't matter who had it worse, what matters now is your mental well being. I was just trying to show how things can escalate before your eyes. I wasn't trying to put it on me, sorry if it came across that way :) Well Daydreamer, if you ever need an ear to listen, we are all here. If you want advice on how to go about confronting him, getting professional help, or finding some time for yourself, we're all here! I wish you all the best! The reason I was asking about body building, is because I was wondering if you think he might be using some sort of enhancements? |
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Are you kidding me? I believe this is absolutely an abusive relationship! Where do you live? The US, last I checked we are all entitled to our own opinions.what's up with the computer thing? Has he no time for family relationships? I'd choose actual reality over virtual reality anytime, sounds to me like he has some serious issues, if he is not willing to see someone, I think maybe you should go on your own. You should not have to live in fear of retribution, simply for having a differing opinion. Personally I'd run from this situation,but if you are willing to put up with it, then that is your choice. I'd be concerned about the children and how this all will effect their future relationships. Riod rage? Quite possible Insecure man? Likely Children effected negatively? Probably Counseling? Definitely Truly you have a serious problem, your choice is your own, but remember, that the children are the most important consideration. |
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Update - Well I am still sticking to my guns. Now the argument is worse. My 16 year old wants to attend a military school for a six month program because he is having a lot of trouble in school and I don't want him to drop out. My husband is mad! I told him I am going to let him do it, and he is not happy. Totally against it, because we will only get to see him once in the six months that he attends. The first day I brought it up he yelled at me and spit in my face. He said it was a slap in his face that I was fighting him on this issue. Latter he called me and appologized. Now he hasn't spoke to me much for the last five days and he just mopes around. My two older boys have told me how they feel and I am amazed at everything they see! I am trying to work with these situations to save my marriage, but I am not sure if it will work. |
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Military school can do wonders for an education. Your 16 year old may have had problems in the public school with the distractions there, but he seems like a smart kid. It's a huge leap... and its clear they really want to do better. I know someone who put their son in a military school because of problems he was having and the circle of friends he had there... several years later he did fantastic... graduated with honors.. and is in the Navy and on the right track. A total reversal had he not gone. He would have likely dropped out and/or ended up with a gang. You do realise there is a time to give up and move on... YOU have to determine when enough is enough. The man has issues... and unless he see's it, and takes action to correct it... I see only misery for you. |
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He spat in your face? Congrats on your son,and I am glad you are sticking to your guns, but I can't get past the spitting in your face. I know how hard it is, you want to make things work, but only you can decide when enough is enough. I hope you see this sooner than later. Thanks for the update! Be safe :) |
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UPDATE - Well I have good news! My husband has decided that he doesn't want to loose his family. He loves us too much! So we are starting family counceling ASAP. After getting upset yesterday on the phone he realized what he was doing and appologized to me. I asked him if he would be willing to go to counceling with the boys and I since he new I was already working on it- and he said yes. He says that his family means more to him then anything else and he wants to try to fix things. My boys are even excited! A lot of work will need to be done, but I think we all see things in a brighter light now that everyone is on the same page. God is truelly watching over us! |
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I just did a Google search with "no one believes my husband is abusive" and found your question. I could have written your story. The difference with my husband is that he is PERFECT for everyone else. My friend "diagnosed" my husband with Obsessive Compulsive Personality Disorder, which is NOT the same as OCD (counting, cleaning, etc.). Most of it fit for my husband, but it sounds like it fits EXACTLY for your husband. Here is a link with a very good description of the disorder (by the way, do NOT tell your husband that he has this, or any other problem, they ACTUALLY BELIEVE they are acting appropriately, are correct about everything, etc. and because of this therapists I have contacted have said they are very difficult to treat, if it is even possible, because they can't see any flaws in themselves). OCD ONLINE - The RIGHT Stuff - Obsessive Compulsive Personality Disorder: A defect of Philosophy, not Anxiety
Btw, I am divorcing my husband but can't tell him or anyone. I am scared to death, but more scared of living another day married to him. |
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My mum went through years of mental abuse from my dad. My dad is in a wheelchair and has been for over 30 years. Things started fine with my dad. Then as time went by he got worse and worse. He would tell my mum off if dinner wasn't on the table at 6 pm. He also would tell my mum off if he didn't have a cup of tea sitting on his table at 8am, 10am, 12pm, 2pm, 4pm, 6pm and 8pm. Other than that if my mum went out she was neglecting him. If she had to take me and my sisters to dancing and was out all day, he would say that were are greedy little children who don't deserve dance lessons. He called out to her 100 times a day for other things then his cups of tea. He told her she treated him badly and he deserved better treatment and if she didn't treat him better he would tell everyone. As it was my mum had limited friends as he would scare them away by telling them to f*** off out of his house as he didn't like them. My mum stayed with him because everyone around kept saying he's in a wheel chair cut him some slack. She was too worried about what everyone else would think of her if she left him. He is damn lucky she kept him so long and didn't chuck him out when she found out he had cheated on her before and after they got married. Plus on average full time careers last 6 years max. He drained her life for 30 years. He gave her depression and other problems. He also made me and my sisters cry every night. The day my mum decided to put him in a nursing home was because I couldn't stand to see her living like that anymore. So I said to her either he goes or I go. He has been in a nursing home for about a month now and she is finally getting her life back on track. She can go where and when she wants. She can have dinner when she wants. She doesn't have to listen to the abuse... She is also healthier and losing weight. I know your story is different but it is similar. Your sons are feeling it the same way me and my sisters did. It won't be too long before they can't take it any longer. You have to tell your husband that unless he gets therapy and controls his anger you will leave him. Because that's what's best for you! |
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I stayed in a abusive marriage for many years because I was young and really believed in marriage I prayed so hard for God to give me a job that I would be able to support me and my two children. So God blessed me with a job and it was enough to support us but I stayed in this marriage. It was mostly like yours verbal abuse, but as I said mostly but not just. So for years I allowed myself and my kids to be subject to his behavior. When my kids were maybe nine and four I finally left but it was after he had me put in jail I am in law enforcement and almost made me loose my job. So now my kids are 21 and 25 and they still are suffering from the effects of my choices. Now I'm left every day of my life feeling guilty. In the end children respect and learn from strength and good choices. I wish I had been stronger. Abuse whether it is verbal or physical will make your children insecure and doubt themselves. It will teach them not to make hard good choices. I'm not telling you to walk away, but really pay attention. If you are asking yourself these questions and feeling this way you already know the answer Sometimes it just feel so good to let somebody know what's going on. Eat with people at lunch start doing things for yourself. Even something that small will make you feel stronger. Abusers always try to alienate you from other people that's how they keep their control. God bless and protect you and your children. |
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Hi Op, firstly you're not wrong to tell others about the life you're being virtually forced to live, plus if you left your SO no one would blame you, he tells everyone he loves you and that you're such a good wife as a form of smoke screen so as to give the appearance that he's a gvreat husband.
As for what would people say, well what would they say if he pushed you so far you had a breakdown? It wouldn't be anyone else's business. In answer to your original question, yes your SO is abusive very, no you're not imagining it, he is abusing you and your sons. Verbally and psychologically, and that is the very worse kind of abuse going, it is by far worse than physical abuse, its also done in such a way that means he looks squeaky clean. Please read the following, and if you need more proof click link after the text. Does your partner: ignore your feelings? disrespect you? ridicule or insult you then tell you it's a joke, or that you have no sense of humor? ridicule your beliefs, religion, race, heritage or class? withhold approval, appreciation or affection? give you the silent treatment? criticize you, call you names, yell at you? humiliate you privately or in public? give you a hard time about socializing with your friends or family? make you socialize (and keep up appearances) even when you don't feel well? seem to make sure that what you really want is exactly what you won't get? tell you are too sensitive? hurt you especially when you are down? seem energized by fighting, while fighting exhausts you? have unpredictable mood swings, alternating from good to bad for no apparent reason? present a wonderful face to the world and is well liked by outsiders? "twist" your words, somehow turning what you said against you? try to control decisions, money, even the way you style your hair or wear your clothes? complain about how badly you treat him or her? threaten to leave, or threaten to throw you out? say things that make you feel good, but do things that make you feel bad? ever left you stranded? ever threaten to hurt you or your family? ever hit or pushed you, even "accidentally"? seem to stir up trouble just when you seem to be getting closer to each other? abuse something you love: a pet, a child, an object? compliment you enough to keep you happy, yet criticize you enough to keep you insecure? promise to never do something hurtful again? harass you about imagined affairs? manipulate you with lies and contradictions? destroy furniture, punch holes in walls, break appliances? drive like a road-rage junkie? act immature and selfish, yet accuse you of those behaviors? question your every move and motive, somehow questioning your competence? interrupt you; hear but not really listen? make you feel like you can't win? Damned if you do, damned if you don't? use drugs and/or alcohol involved? Are things worse then? incite you to rage, which is "proof" that you are to blame? try to convince you he or she is "right," while you are "wrong?" frequently say things that are later denied or accuse you of misunderstanding? treat you like a sex object, or as though sex should be provided on demand regardless of how you feel? Your situation is critical if the following applies to you: You express your opinions less and less freely. You find yourself walking on eggshells, careful of when and how to say something. You long for that softer, more vulnerable part of your partner to emerge. You find yourself making excuses for your partner's behavior. You feel emotionally unsafe. You feel its somehow not OK to talk with others about your relationship. You hope things will change... especially through your love and understanding. You find yourself doubting your memory or sense of reality. You doubt your own judgment. You doubt your abilities. You feel vulnerable and insecure. You are becoming increasingly depressed. You feel increasingly trapped and powerless. You have been or are afraid of your partner. Your partner has physically hurt you, even once. If you feel your relationship may be verbally and emotionally abusive, talk to people you trust. Talk to clergy, call your local battered women's shelter, educate yourself, seek professional help. Do not allow verbal and emotional abuse to escalate to battery! Verbal Abuse source: Pat Stubbs The consequences of emotional and verbal abuse can be as damaging as physical abuse, though much harder to recognize, and therefore more difficult to recover from. Emotional and verbal abuse may cause long term self esteem issues. Listed below are some examples of emotional and verbal abuse: When a person is threatened, intimidated, humiliated, yelled at, or blamed, and made to feel inferior or stupid; Constant emotional or verbal assaults that make someone feel sad, worthless and/or unwanted; Name calling, making them feel crazy, playing mind games, and blame shifting; Using words and feelings to strike out, embarrass, shame, insult or reject; May include excessive, aggressive or unreasonable demands that are beyond a persons capacity; Constant criticizing, belittling, insulting, and rejecting are all examples of emotional and verbal abuse. Emotional and verbal abuse may happen for months and years before any damage is evident. By the time the injury is noticed, the person may already be having significant difficulty coping with life. Emotional and verbal abuse ultimately affects a persons development and sense of self-worth. As children we are taught, "sticks and stones may break your bones, but words will never hurt you" in a sing song rhyme. That rhyme could not be further from the truth. The principle behind the message was to teach children physical violence shouldn't be used when someone calls you a name. The deeper message though teaches children to tolerate verbal abuse. By the time survivors become adults, the message to accept and tolerate verbal abuse is ingrained almost into our souls. Many times survivors themselves can not even recognize it. What Is Abuse? Abuse is a pattern of behavior that a person uses to try to control or dominate another person. Abuse does not have to be physical. The consequences of emotional abuse can be as damaging as physical abuse, though much harder to recognize, and therefore more difficult to recover from. Emotional abuse may cause long term self esteem issues. This one is: Verbal Abuse The following phrases are responses from victims of verbal abuse which clearly define their experiences with this type of abuse. yelled at called names nagged at called racial slurs called stupid told no one else would want me talked to as a child constant put-downs ridiculed appearance threatened to kill me threatened to take the children belittled important things I accomplished told me I was stupid, ugly, dumb said I was an unfit mother embarrassed me in public told the children I was disgusting said I was a bad sex partner always screams at the children There are many categories of verbal abuse. They encompass a variety of behaviors that will be easily recognizable by those experiencing them. They include: Withholding: If there is a relationship, then there must be an exchange of information. Simply put, withholding is a choice one partner makes to keep virtually all one's thoughts, feelings, opinions, hopes and dreams to oneself and to remain silent and aloof toward the other partner. The verbal abuser may go for months without attempting to engage his partner in meaningful interaction. Jokes: This type of abuse is not done in jest. Disparaging comments disguised as jokes often refer to the feminine nature of the partner, to her intellectual abilities, or to her competency. It cuts to the quick, touches the most sensitive areas, and leaves the abuser with a look of triumph. Trivializing: Trivializing says, in so many words, that what you have done or expressed is insignificant. This type of abuse is often difficult to detect as it can be very subtle. One is left feeling depressed and frustrated but isn't quite sure why. Nothing you say or do is important or meaningful. Little heed is paid to your comments or suggestions. Judging and criticizing: Usually this type of verbal abuse carries a judgmental tone. Remarks and comments that negate or discount a partner's feelings are: "The trouble with you is...."; "You're never satisfied...."; You're too sensitive.. "; "You don't know what you're talking about... " Blocking and Diverting: This category of verbal abuse specifically controls interpersonal communication. The abuser may refuse to communicate, establishes what can be discussed and determines when the conversation is finished. Examples of blocking are: "You think you know it all;" "That's a lot of bunk;" "Just drop it;" "Who asked you?"; "Where did you get a stupid idea like that?", etc. Other types of verbal abuse include name calling, threatening, denial, undermining and ordering. All of these abusive behaviors prohibit normal, healthy interaction between two adults as well as a lack of respect for individual thoughts, feelings, and opinions. A healthy, mutual interaction and conversation between two persons respects and promotes the right of each partner to their own individual thoughts, perceptions and values. Still not convinced then click HERE |
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 Originally Posted by daydreamer01
BTW... below is a pretty darn good guideline for what love should look like ( although we all miss the mark from time to time) It is from the bible. It doesn't matter what religion you are or even if you believe in God, it is a great definition and something to think about. :) 1 Corinthians 13:4-7 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. |
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