[candyjo]

I was married when I was 23 years old and had two daughters. My then husband, left me and did not want anything to do with our daughters. Never wanted to see them, never paid child support or anything. When my girls were 5 and 6 years old, I met someone. The girls really loved him at first. We got married in 2000. As the girls got older, they began to disrespect their step-father. My husband and I fought a lot over disciplining the girls. I thought he was too strict, and he thought I was not strict enough. I was stuck in the middle trying my best to keep the peace. My oldest daughter moved out of our house and moved in with my mother when she was 18. My oldest daughter now respects her step-father understands that he was their for them when their real father was no where to be found. My youngest daughter has had a really hard time with the fact that her real father did not want anything to do with her. She has talked to him a few times and all he has told her were lies about me and he even told her all about mine and his sex life. (gross). My 17 year old has met this boy, who is 17 also. This boy has been in trouble a lot. He has been shuffled from foster home to foster home because his mother had a crack problem. While my 17 year old was spending the night with her grandmother, my mom found the boy in the room with my daughter at 3:30 in the morning. My mom kicked him out. And the next morning, my 17 year old daughter had ran away. We looked everywhere. The cops finally brought her home about a week later. She said that she was glad to be back home and she regretted running away. I thought counseling was the best way to go. But after only a 30 minute session, the counselor gave her some pretty bad advice so I decided not to take her back there. My daughter was very distraught because she wanted to see her boyfriend. I was worried that if I kept her from him that it would make things worse. At first I monitored all calls that she had with him. I even let her go to the movies with him and her older sister. About a month after she ran away, she asked if it was okay if he came over to watch a movie. I said okay. I even went to pick him up because he did not have a ride. Everything was fine, I sat at my desk and worked while they watched a couple of movies. He called his friend for a ride home and left, or so I thought. At 3:30 that same night, I got up to turn my daughter's radio down and found them in bed together. I made the boy leave and them woke my husband up to tell him what had happened. He flipped out. He pulled my daughter by the arm, called her several names, and then spit on her. I was in shock. I just stood there. I called my aunt to come pick up my daughter to stay with her until things calmed down. My husband is really sorry for what he did. He wants to apologize to my daughter but she is not ready to hear it. She did not want to talk to me for awhile because to her, I chose him over her. She said I just stood there and watched and did nothing. It wasn't that I didn't want to do anything, but I felt paralyzed. It all happened so fast. This is killing me. When I was about 16, I heard my step-father tell my mother that it was either him or me. I left so that my mother would not have to make that choice. But I secretly hoped that she would stop me. I went to my aunt's house to talk with my daughter, and after I left, I was hopeful. I told her that I was not okay with what he did, but she needed to know that it was not okay to sneak a boy in the house either. At one point she said that she would never step back in our house as long as her step-father was there. But by the end of the conversation, she said that she might live there again even with him there but it would take some time. My daughter and I had made plans to talk that Friday after school. My oldest daughter went to pick her up from school to meet me to talk and she was not at school. I found out that she moved to Concord (which is about 30 minutes away) with her boyfriend and his foster parent. Now she wants me to enroll her in school there. I have never been this depressed. I can't seem to function from day to day. I love my daughter more than anything. I told her that if she wanted to come back home, I would have my husband move out. She said that she didn't want that because he was all that I had left. She is so close to being 18 years old and I am not sure what I can do legally. I was told by the cops the last time she ran away and they brought her back that if she ran away again, there was nothing that they could do. I also feel like if I force her to do something that she will never speak to me again. I don't want her to think that I have chosen her step-father over her. I told my daughter that what my husband did was uncalled for and disgusting. I have not forgiving him for it. But I don't think that it was bad enough that we could not work things out over time. He has never done that before and he has never beat her either. Is there hope? Please tell me there is hope.

[cdad]

First off you call the police and inform them that they are harboring a runaway. Its illegal and as foster parents they should know better. What state is this in?
Another thing is that by trying to be friends with your daughter and not by parenting her you have brought a lot of this on yourself. Children need boundries and responsibilities. Your daughter is out of control and wreckless. Her not speaking to you should be less your priority then doing the right thing. Sometimes children need tough love. They need rules and boudries as well as chores etc appropriate to age. You need to stop all the nonsense.

[Jake2008]

While I agree with califdad, success may be less when you are dealing with an 18 year old (almost), than a 13 year old. You may have the same hammers, but in the end, what will it accomplish if your daughter is determined to stay with her boyfriend.

I don't know why you would end your marriage to her stepfather, to appease her to get her home. The family needs help yes, but getting rid of the man who raised her, in m y opinon, is not the answer.

You know that she will consider moving home, and that is a plus. If she is banking on you saying 'no' to enrolling her in the school she wants to go to, what alternative does she have- she would have to seriously consider moving home.

I hope that you and your husband and your daughters can see your way to counselling to find ways to live under the same roof without things escalating. Your daughter needs boundaries as has been stated, your husband needs to learn how to communicate with her without anger, and you need to learn that as adults, you can expect civility and respect between everybody.

If you set your expectations too low, nothing will change. If it were me, I would tell her that she is expected to return home, you and your husband together will go to counselling with her, and the three of you will come up with a plan of expectations, in order to live peacefully together.