[dar45]

Been married 3 years, bought a house 1 year ago, we have a 2 year old child. One month after moving into the house, intimacy ends, two months later texting and Facebook start to affect our marriage. An argument ensues. I sleep on couch for a few days. A serious talk happens and she says she doent love me anymore and hasn't for about a year (before we looked for a house). We agreed to stay in the same house. I struggled to get her to go to counseling, she didn't think it would help. We went to two sessions each. She refuses to continue counseling. It has been 7 months without any affection what so ever and 5 months since the couch incident and argument. She now goes out all night long until 6, 7, 8 and even 9 am one morning. Then she sleeps all day. She claims to be too drunk to drive, she allegedly sobers up at her girlfriends house or male coworkers house. I still believe she has been faithful and think I could even forgive her if she did cheat. She never has much money when going out, but manages to stay out all night long and sleep the days away. She refuses to wear her ring unless around her grandparents. She does what ever she wants and even wants foot massages which I stupidly give her with nothing in return. Oh yeah.. she also uses the excuse of being at casino all night long too. I'm starting to think they she may have an alcohol or gambling problem. She says there is still hope for us, but I don't see much more hope. I tried church and prayer. I tried advise from family and friends. All I have left to try is AA or something to find help. I have the family, the house and the career. I thought I had it all. Then it all fell apart. Why does she stay out all night? Why doesn't she show some repect to me and spend time with her family? Is it a gambling or alcohol problem? Is it post partum depression? Do I need to try anti depressants or more counseling? Should I try separation? Divorce is the last option and I don't want to do it, but I am running out of options and running out of hope. Any good advise out there??

[twinkiedooter]

It is not a gambling or alcohol problem. It's a lying problem. She has been cheating on you and you are too trusting an individual to open your eyes and see the truth. She keeps you stringing you along with the hollow phrase that "there still is hope" for your relationship. I hate to be the one to break it to you, but your relationship has been over for a long time. It's just you that has not opened your eyes to the truth of the matter. Face it, it's over.

[twinkiedooter]

Hire a private investigator to follow her around a few nights and you'll have your eyes opened wide with the results. Guaranteed. Probably the best money you will spend versus you keep beating yourself up trying to find a solution to this problem of her not wanting to be with you and your child and staying home. Sometimes when women who don't have jobs to go to end up with too much time on their hands and tend to stray big time. She apparently is one of them who had it too good and decided to have it even better.

[450donn]

If my wife pulled that I would make arrangements and the next time she left I would change the locks, pack all her stuff and place it in a neat pile by the front door. Then hire a lawyer and file for divorce.

[darkdays]

I would try separation, and see if she straightens up her act without you around. And giving her foot massages? I'd be telling her to massage her own feet. She doesn't need counseling, she needs to grow up and be a parent and a wife.

[Jake2008]

While she is out all night, and home sleeping all day, who is taking care of the two year old?

What did you think of during the year that there was no intimacy, and she was staying out all night. Have you been able to confirm where she was, or have you checked the debit transactions to see if she is at a casino, hotel, bars, etc.

During the few times she did attend counselling, did it open up any dialogue between you? Did you identify any issues? Do you have any idea what has changed her so much?

Speaking of which, what was she like the three short years ago before you married her. Were there any clues?

When you talked to your family members, what was their general idea of what's going on.

It is just hard to imagine why she would be out all night and sleeping all day when she has a husband, a home, and a toddler to care for.

Drugs and/or alcohol crosses my mind but I think you would have seen signs of that before now.

I'm at a loss to explain what might be going on, unless there is more background information you can provide.

[myagony1234]

WOW, I can feel your pain. It is way beyond the acceptable level.
You mentioned text message, face book, and no intimacy on the top of other alcohol related problems, I have to think she left you already.

Can you think of any reasons or events which made her change attitude toward marriage & baby so badly?
To me, it is obvious she has completely given up the marriage, and does not care anymore. First of all, you should find out what she is doing every night, and prepare for yourself & your innocent baby. I will not be surprised, if you find out she uses drug, alcohol, gambling and sex all together.

I hope you are not get shock too much.
If you divorce, who will take care of the baby?

[jmjoseph]

WOW! She is the queen of selfish no doubt. I too would like to know when she interacts with her own child.

How long are you willing to put up with this behavior?

If you two split, are you ready to be a single parent? I think you should start documenting ALL of her comings and goings, if a child custody case comes up.

No one here can tell you if she has a substance, or gambling problem. Not with the limited information that you have provided. Maybe she really is too drunk to drive. Who knows? Maybe she does have a gambling problem.

The bottom line is that she is a married woman with a small child, and she should start acting like it.

And why are you so ready to forgive her if she did cheat? Why are you even thinking about forgiveness? You should be mad as he11! Do you really think that the "male co worker" has kept his hands to himself? When they both are drunk? PLEASE!

And I agree with the suggestion of having her followed. It will help in court.

Dude, I feel for you. But no one can help you until you are willing to help yourself first. Be tough, and insist on being respected. This is just plain crazy.

And where is she getting the resources for getting drunk and gambling? Cut her off.

The foot rubs too.

This is B.S.

I wish you luck.

I think that 9 out of 10 married people would have had a bonfire with their mates clothes by now. I know I would have. For sure.

And tell her grandparents that she has turned nocturnal. The ones that she wears the ring around. Maybe she will respect them enough to explain why she is running wild.

[Fr_Chuck]

Time for a very good divorce attorney

[Gemini54]

I think that you need to take a step back and get realistic about this. What if a friend told you that his wife was behaving this way?

Out all night, no money but gets drunk, stays with friends and love gone in marriage?

I'm sorry but the signs are all there - sounds like she's cheating, and I suspect that there is NOTHING that you can do.

It's over. Get real about this - she told you ages ago what the situation was - it's time to grow a backbone and take back your masculinity.

Speak to a good lawyer and leave her to her own devices - take the child if you have to - there is no joy left here.

[twinkiedooter]

Denial is one thing but reality is the ticket you should be looking into now. You have denied her behavior for too long. Apparently you are "addicted" to her. This is quite common in that the one party cannot bear to be without or live without the other partner regardless of how much emotional or physical pain they inflict upon the other party. In your case you are in deep, deep denial that she has not only lied to you but continues to lie to you and has essentially left the relationship. You must have/do care quite a bit about her and just can't let her go when she has already gone both in mind and body from the relationship.

You are the one who needs counseling to accept her disappearing act.

She will use you and your home as a hotel to come and go as she pleases with no responsibility as you continue to put up with her antics.

Please seek some emotional help for yourself for the sake of your child so that at least one parent has their head screwed on right once you finally put an end to this charade. Your child needs you more than they need her. Make the best of your situation and focus on your child - not the selfish run around drunk.

[steve32200444]

My EX-wife did the same thing, stayed out nearly every night until 6 or 7 am, told me she needed to spend time talking to her female friend, I trusted her never once thought she'd be unfaithful, after about a year of this she accidentally left her email inbox signed on the computer and I looked, got to read in graffic detail her sexual exploits with several different men. That was the end of our marriage. I hope for your sake its not the same, but I wouldn't just trust that she isn't doing anything wrong either, you need to find out for sure.

[king702]

Wow I dare my wife do this to me... agree with everyone, I don't say this a lot, but she's not good enough for you... she had her chance...

[Kitkat22]

You are being a weak man. Tell her to shape up or ship out! Your child desrves a stable home without a drunk, cheating , mother.

[kp2171]

Lets play pretend...

Lets say she does have an alcohol/gambling problem. Well, then she is an addict who has told you to your face that she doesn't love you, and has acted this out over and over with her nights away.

Addicts usually have a "that's enough" point... and for some it isn't that severe. With many, its rock bottom... and losing everything is a step in finally admitting help is needed. You cannot force an addict to want help. You cannot force an addict to do the things they learn in treatment. You can't make them walk the walk. And until she hits her rock bottom moment, things are just going to go along as is, at best.

Lets say she isn't an alcoholic... well, honestly, does it matter? Alcoholics often deal with depression and depressed people become more depressed with alcohol use.

You still are with a woman who is not acting as a mate, who has told you she doesn't love you, and who refuses to get any kind of structured help.

At the very least, you need a separation. I know divorce is the last thing you want, but I think there is a point when the divorce is just the legal matters that formalize what has already happened. The ring, the marriage license, these don't make the marriage.

Having recently gone through a divorce I really didn't want but really needed, I get how hard it is to accept this is perhaps where things are. I also can tell you that the reduction in drama and noise in my life is real. It was needed. Not wanted, but needed.

Sorry you are in this place. Its easy to let months and even years slip by, hoping things might change or hoping you can get her to try to find some middle ground.

At some point, if you stay, you accept things as they are and you don't get to complain. You are probably getting to that point where you step hard back or you need to find a way to accept this... and I know you cannot accept this and be happy or healthy.

[kenmoore14217]

Is this a serious question or someone who is pranking people.

Why weren't the locks changed after the second or third incident? At the very least her personal stuff should have been dumped on the front lawn for her to view upon her arrival the following morning.

You need to grow a pair!!

[Kitkat22]

Is this a serious question or someone who is pranking people.

Why weren't the locks changed after the second or third incident? At the very least her personal stuff should have been dumped on the front lawn for her to view upon her arrival the following morning.

You need to grow a pair!!!!!

Get away from her and don't find excuses to see her.. NC

[hollylovesbrandon]

She does not love you anymore... that is all I would need to hear. What is worth saving then? If there is no love, I ask you, what is worth saving?

[talaniman]

Whatever her problems are, you are enabling her by not kicking her out to go where ever she goes as long as she is gone, because as long as you tolerate her behavior, the more she will do it so stop and don't forgive her until she has straightened up her act (somewhere else) for a year and can prove it.

Have the divorce papers ready to be signed while you wait.

[nitelight198073]

Dude wake up she is cheatiing and lying she don't care about your feelings I am going through he same thing with my soon to be ex husband signing up for dating sites and making dates with women and such, you need to get your ducks in a row and leave her on grouns of infedelity