[the_original]

Hey, I have been reading some of the other threads about break-ups because I was recently dumped, and the one thing commonly said in all of them is that No Contact is an aboslute necessity, and right now I can't pull that off and was wondering if anyone had any advice about my particular situation...

Starts typically enough, met in high school, fell in love, and moved in together. I just turned 22 and the girl turns 19 this year. Unfortunately, while we lived together, we also worked at the same place, and saw each other there on a daily basis as well.

So one day she comes home from her shift and says she wants to break up, needs to get her life together, she doesn't want to feel like she has to check in, etc etc. Obviously I was devastated, and went through the usual routine of pining for her back, anger, sadness, as I said the usual. But it has been about 2 months now and things are starting to get better. I still think of her all the time but the days of crying about it and not eating/sleeping are long gone. However, one thing completely prevents me from moving on... the fact that I work 5 days a week, and see her every single one of those 5 days because she works the shift before me. It really makes no contact hard because while I would rather not talk to her, we were best friends for what 3 years? So I don't want to be a complete and ignore her either. I have applied to numerous other places to get another job, but fact is we live in a small town, and once you have employment your kind of lucky so its best to stick with it. I even applied to the Army (which is what I want to do with my life anyway, I just didn't plan on it until next year) but who knows how that will work out or how long it will take. Any advice on dealing with this? I'm usually pretty good now out with friends or on my own, but every time I see her at work I can't help those old feelings creeping back in... until I find another job or get in the army, what can I do to help the way I feel?

[the_original]

Nothing anyone?

[emopunk7]

You are in a difficult situation. Just keep looking for a new job. In about 3 more months you will be more than fine so just give yourself time. Okay?

[amicon]

Is it absolutely necessary to bump into her every time you get to work?
Could you change shifts?

Concentrate on your future career plans.

I hope the army works out for you,that sounds like a great move.

[the_original]

@ amicon: yes unfortunately it is necessary, it's a crappy little convienence store and only one person works per shift, unfortunately she is the shift right before me, believe me I wish it weren't necessary but thanks to all who answered I guess I'm doing the right thing keep looking for a new job and hopefully put this behind me for good.

[amicon]

Then you're just going to have to grin and bear it till you go away to the army-try really concentrating on something totally different when you walk through that door.

Take care and good luck.

[the_original]

Then youre just going to have to grin and bear it till you go away to the army-try really concentrating on something totally different when you walk through that door.

Take care and good luck.

Thank you very much... kinda figured that's what I had to do :( however it will be a challenge every night to not say something stupid.

[amicon]

Just 'hi' and keep walking will do it.

No need for any conversation.

[Showme_urmove]

Hey man I feel for you, I also was living with my ex, so I know its hard cause the 2 of you had made a memory on that house you guys were living in. the best way is to ignore ignore and ignore, You can't be friends cause you still have your emotion inside you. She lost all that once she broke it off, lost the privileged of doing anything with you. When your around her don't show any emotion, fake it like your life counts on it. Act like your happy even though your not it will get to her. Its time to make yourself happy, I know right now it may seem like she's your only happiness but take it as a good experience, at less she broke it off before you guys got married.

So one day she comes home from her shift and says she wants to break up, needs to get her life together

dude she made it easy for you to move on. She is pretty much saying that she doesn't see her future with you and she doesn't want to do anything with you anymore. She probably felt like this for awhile, thus feeling does not come overnight, she was feeling that for at less a few months or longer. Move on and find yourself a girl that can share her future with you.

I still think of her all the time but the days of crying about it and not eating/sleeping are long gone.

Once you start thinking about her, shift your mind on your future, just remember each day passes by brings you closer to the girl you are meant to be happy with.

However, one thing completely prevents me from moving on... the fact that I work 5 days a week, and see her every single one of those 5 days because she works the shift before me.

that's an excuse you can't completely move on cause you have that process on your mind already. I know cause I thought about the same thing and I was in denial about it. Every time you see her and once your feeling start coming back, be bad toward her.find many fault about her and that will hopefully help you heal.
Keep yourself busy and you need to do NO CONTACT like what everyone has been telling me here, the longer you don't do NO CONTACT the longer you are going to keep dealing with the pain you are feeling. Doing no contact is hard but it will make your healing process easier. Good luck bro and hope you can find your happiness.

[myagony1234]

It is not easy and will be painful. You need to be very determined and stick with your gun.

Remember this. If you lost your mind for a second, if you are getting weaker, trying to be nice to her, she will despise you more, because even though she dumped you, and you will seem like crawling back without self-esteem. She will loose more interest & respect. Sadly, dumpers do not come back for mercy. Nobody think a man with low self esteem is attractive.

Keep your face firm, make your conversation minimum, and act like you totally forgot about her, and cool about breakup even though you are struggling inside.

Treat her like a stranger, and ignore. It is only option you have until you find a new job. Good Luck.

[talaniman]

Quite the dilemma, but understand this isn't about all the old feelings that will be stirred up, but in the way you cope with them.

Outwardly toward her you are friendly, polite, and about the business of doing your job. Since you are her relief, you know she is leaving when you get there, so its only for a short time you do cope.

Its sort of like in grade school, you get dumped, your sad, but you eventually turn your attentions elsewhere.

The only difference is, adults do the same thing, but in a more mature way, and your distractions are more sophisticated.

Until something changes at work, you just grin and bear it, until after a while you get use to the way it is, and the sting is gone. Hang in there, as time is on your side, and you just have to be cool about how you carry yourself.

No one but you will know that your coping with those feelings, and there is no need to tell her, but she probably is going through the same thing when you come to work. Old feelings and memories, but she doesn't show it, so neither should you.

[the_original]

Thanks everyone it really helped and today I got a job in a town 20 minutes away so I only have to grin and bear it till may 1st, I feel better already!

[amicon]

That sounds great-good luck with your new job and stay strong.

[kp2171]

Glad to hear the news about the job change. It really is a good move.

I know from personal experience that its possible to get through the noise of a big breakup when NC isn't a choice... when circumstances require some contact... but even then, very limited contact is best, and its exponentially harder to get through.

Anyway... getting yourself away from her isn't going to solve all the questions and issues... just don't feel like, on the tough days, that NC isn't working... its still going to be a pain in the arse sometimes... its just not anywhere near as tough as if you were still elbow to elbow in the same store.

[the_original]

Threads merged

Hey all,
So I posted a thread a few days back about how I just got dumped after a 3 year relationship and that no contact wasn't an option due to me and the ex working at the same store. Well I have a new job that starts in a month but I don't think I will be able to make it that long. Every night I see her at work, my feelings just get stronger and stronger, like I really love and miss this girl. I told her how I felt tonight in what I would call one last bold effort, and it didn't go all that well. She told me she will always love me cause I was her first, but that she didn't want any guy not just me. She didn't rule out completely that down the line a bit that her feelings might change, but right now she's happy basically hanging out with friends and doing the stuff she didn't do when we were together. During the last few months of our relationship I became this over protective jerk (our whole relationship wasn't like that) but basically that's what caused the break up. I told her that in the 2 months since we have been broken up I have grown and realized that's not how you treat the one you love, but it was too late. She said she sees us being good friends, and was even open to having a drink with me, but I don't want to get my hopes up. Basically I need your guys help/ advice... I'm still going to see this girl no matter what for at least the next month, and I know my feelings will probably not go away as much as I want them to. How can I help myself here? It seems like everyday for me is a buildup to those 10 minutes I'll see her at work, and truthfuly that's when I'm at my happiest which is wrong. I can't seem to get over this girl, I feel like I lost one of the best people and I can't erase the fact I feel like we are meant to be together... an interesting thought is also when we first started dating I went and saw a psychic/spirit guide (the girl wasn't with me for this). I don't usually put stock in things like that but this person knew aspects of my life that were impossible for her to know, and one of the things she said was "you just started a new relationship with a girl with the initial "d", and you will marry this woman. That thought runs through my head constantly... what can I do to ease the pain guys? I've been in longterm relationships before that have ended ad never felt like this for this long after the break up...


One other thing is that while she says she doesn't want to get back together, she doesn't know how she will feel a few weeks/months down the line. That keeps a sliver o hope in my mind, what can I do for the closure I need

[amicon]

You keep busy.

You only talk to her when its absolutely necessary.

You realise that the facts are: she broke up with you,and its over and she is moving on. As you should.

(You don't need to start a new thread-just add to your original one.)

[the_original]

Hey, sorry first forum I've ever joined, I'll learn the rules quickly. It's hard though amicon, like I have been really good at not phoning or texting her, but she texts me. She texted me yesterday letting me know there was something for me from the boss, and she knew I already knew that. Tonight before work she called me asking if I would work half her shift tomorrow night so she could go out? Am I being to sensitive or is that not extremely innapropriate? It's like she makes me think about her when she texts me, and on my word I have YET to initiate a phone or text conversation with her. Is this just her trying to be friends or taking me for granted?

[Larken85]

Wait it out. Things will get easier. If you linger on the feelings you will find yourself loathing this girl and I am sorry but I am sure that is not something you'd like to feel for her. Sounds like your soul really attached to her and it is sad when a part of your soul has gone missing. It hurts physically and mentally. I know, I've been there.
I do not want to give you false hope either my friend, but I will say that if she is not ruling it out, there may be a chance when you do not work together and she has some personal space that her feelings will change again.
If she says she still loves you but can't be with anyone right now then possibly she does not want another really good relationship to hurt so bad again. Just try and give her a little time and if she doesn't come around then you need to try and find another outlet.
Honestly if you think about it instead of feel about it you'll understand that a month is really not all that long. It'll pass by, just hold on bud. And don't bug her, don't beg her, don't do anything to her to push her further away. She will see any effort to get her back at this point as another complication and she will retract further from you until she finds herself hating you. For your own good and if there is any hope for this relationship I suggest leaving her alone no matter how hard it is or how much your soul is telling you to reach out for her.
Your soul doesn't have a brain and doesn't use logic, which is what you need to be using right now.


You can't keep doing her favors. It isn't going to help you out here. It'll make you think of her all the time. And you have to heal for now. And in my opinion it is very innapropriate to ask you to do something knowing you will do it just so she can go out and have fun. I would never go for that unless I really needed the money.

[Showme_urmove]

Dude I told you to not hang on the feelings you have about her.

She told me she will always love me cause I was her first, but that she didn't want any guy not just me.

She is only saying that so she won't feel bad about it. If she really did love you, why won't she be with you. That's not love, her words says it is but her action says f*% off. Get the hint she doesn't want to be with you anymore, I'm sorry I'm sounding like a hard but everyone gave you a good advice but for some reason your not taking it. I know its hard cause I'm dealing with one right now. But you just got to do it, and start doing no contact, cause if you don't you will only hurt yourself.

"you just started a new relationship with a girl with the initial "d", and you will marry this woman. That thought runs through my head constantly... what can I do to ease the pain guys?

That's an easy question, stop that by running through your head, the faster you do that the faster you can start easing your pain away.

Your holding on something that cannot be fixed, nothing you can do,say will make her love you, or come back to you.
Lets make this easy, you can keep thinking of her, keep having that false hope, and you end up crying hating yourself, blaming yourself thinking about the what if and what do you gain? NOTHING. Do you get her back NO. But do you feel the pain YES, are you healing NO.

Hey buddy the more you think about her the more you end up wanting her. ITs best to move on, stop your pain you don't deserve it!! I know its hard but hey I doing my best to get through it.. Like what KP said "sometimes doing the right thing is the hardest thing to do"

[the_original]

Larken that was an awesome post, thank you. So I should not pursue this "drink" she said she would go out with me for? (it was just to see what's going on in our lives right now) I'm not Gina lie I'd like to do it but maybe once I start the new job and no contact will start her texts (or lack thereof) should be an indicator if there's hope for the long run or not more so than a few drinks at a bar... either way your post cheered me up a bit thanks man