[Ant3LV]

I apologize for how long this is, but I really need some good advice, please...

MY STORY... I am a 38 year old man, and found out last March (2009) that my wife was cheating on me. After repeatedly trying to work it out with her (counseling, trying to talk with her) she made no effort to try to save our marriage, and I filed for divorce in June 2009. My divorce wasn't finalized until Feb 1st, 2010, because my ex-wife kept holding up the process, even though she still (to this day) hasn't done anything to try to save our 14 year relationship. Through counseling, family support and a lot of reading I've been able to accept what happened, and begin to move on in my life. I began the grieving and healing much better around July/August of 2009. This was my first and only marriage. I am the guy who NEVER wanted to get divorced (I waited 10 years before marrying my wife!). I dated a girl for 2 weeks in October 2009, but it was really only about sex for her, and I knew it wouldn't go anywhere, but it was (sorta) fun, I guess (I'm not a player AT ALL, by the way. I don't have that kind of personality).
HER STORY... I met a wonderful woman November 30, 2009! She's 41 years old, beautiful, funny, she's done a lot of traveling and had lots of fun 'partying' (and says she's over it), and is a thinker (if you know what I mean - someone who likes to think things through, and has no problem talking about her feelings from what I can see). I really like this aspect of her personality, and I fell for her quite soon after we met. She's a cocktail waitress at a nicer casino, and she has been married 3 times in the past. That last sentence would make anyone cringe (even me), but unless I'm completely naiive and stupid, I don't think it has as many bad implications as you may think. She explained each marriage to me when I asked her about them - her first was to a guy she had a LOT of fun with (partying), but she admits that once they stopped travelling and partying, she realized that the love wasn't really there, and she says they split as good friends with no hard feelings. Her second marriage was to a man quite older than her, and she says she loved him, but they mutually grew apart, and again it ended on a peaceful note. Her third marriage was to a police officer, and he ended up an alcoholic (they were married for the past 6 years). She tried to work it out with him, but he has no interest in changing or getting help, and he doesn't have much interest in their son (4 yrs old, her only child). The kind of person she is - she told me she didn't even ask for child support or alimony, they just got a paralegal and agreed to divorce, so I don't see her being much of a golddigger (plus her family supposedly has money).
We met and talked on Nov 30th, and waited until Dec 22nd before we got intimate, even though we wanted to do it sooner. We were both apprehensive because our divorces were not final yet, even though our ex's had moved out months before. Our relationship has been wonderful ever since we met! We don't argue or fight, we laughed a lot, and had very intense romantic experiences together. She's told me several times that she feels like she's falling in love with me, and I really feel very strong emotions for her, too.
Out of nowhere, and with little warning, she came to me about 2 weeks ago and said she needed 'space', that she's crazy about me, but she has met someone else that shares 'the same crazy sense of humor' as her, and she really thinks that she needs to date, but said "You're not out of the picture". She feels maybe it was too soon after leaving her husband, and I can see her point. I was very calm and understanding, but I let her know I am falling in love with her. She was honest about how she felt, and said whenever she talked to this new guy, she felt like she was cheating on me! She said she doesn't want to do that.
My question is... HOW DO I PROCEED FROM HERE? I have been going 'no contact' with her for 2 weeks now, even though she said we should still talk. In fact, the only small hostility she showed to me at all is when I suggested that I will leave her alone to figure it all out.
I really would love to try a relationship with her, but I think she needs time and space, as she's requested. I hope she isn't just letting me down easy, but the texts and words she gave me for the 3 months we dated were all "You speak right to my heart", "When I'm with you I feel like a teenager", "I've never felt this way before", etc... Any ideas on how to proceed, and am I doing the right thing by going NO CONTACT in this scenario. I would especially like to hear a woman's point of view, for some insight. Thank You all for reading this long story - I really appreciate any help!

[AmericanGirl01]

According to her past, it sort of seems like she rushes into things (marriage) a little too fast, wouldn't you say? Or she just has terrible luck, I'm not too sure.

She might have rushed into this relationship with you a little too fast as well. Unfortunately it kind of sounds like you were the rebound guy. You guys only dated for three months, and even though you said you were both being apprehensive, it sounded like it was pretty intense for only a three month relationship... (if you can call it a relationship, I would consider this the dating period where you're still getting to know each other!)

She says she's falling in love with you, you speak to her heart, never felt this way before, but 2 weeks ago she ended it with you and she's already seeing a new guy? And she's pretty much told you she's still healing from her last marriage.

Give her what she wants, time and space. She broke it off with you, she doesn't get to call the shots. You feel like you should do NC, then go NC and don't worry if you're hurting her feelings.

[Ant3LV]

According to her past, it sort of seems like she rushes into things (marriage) a little too fast, wouldnt you say? Or she just has terrible luck, I'm not too sure.

She might have rushed into this relationship with you a little too fast as well. Unfortunately it kind of sounds like you were the rebound guy. You guys only dated for three months, and even though you said you were both being apprehensive, it sounded like it was pretty intense for only a three month relationship....(if you can call it a relationship, I would consider this the dating period where you're still getting to know each other!)

She says she's falling in love with you, you speak to her heart, never felt this way before, but 2 weeks ago she ended it with you and she's already seeing a new guy? And she's pretty much told you she's still healing from her last marriage.

Give her what she wants, time and space. She broke it off with you, she doesn't get to call the shots. You feel like you should do NC, then go NC and don't worry if you're hurting her feelings.

Yeah, that's what I figured I'd do, is give her a period of no contact and some space, and see what happens. I, of course, am worried that I may not have another chance with her, and I really think I want one! I'm just struggling with the choice of going completely 'no contact', or should I call her once every few weeks to let her know I'm thinking about her, and hope she's doing well? What's the best way to go, in other people's opinions? (I would just like to read some opinions, as it does help me to decide what's best).

[AmericanGirl01]

No, she broke up with you, I wouldn't call her every few weeks to let her know you're thinking about her and hope she's doing well... I'm sorry to say (and I apologize if this sounds harsh) but I'm sure she won't be thinking about you while she's out on dates with other men.

Go out, have fun and find someone who wants to be with you! There are a ton of fun women out there and some actually know what they want! ;-)

[J_9]

You are still in the healing process. Your divorce has only been final for a month. It's way too early to begin to get serious about someone. You need time to heal from this breakup.

The woman you were seeing seems to be playing the field. She's had 3 divorces already, you don't want to be her fourth.

Take time to learn how to be single again.

[Ant3LV]

No, she broke up with you, I wouldn't call her every few weeks to let her know you're thinking about her and hope she's doing well...I'm sorry to say (and I apologize if this sounds harsh) but I'm sure she won't be thinking about you while she's out on dates with other men.

Go out, have fun and find someone who wants to be with you! There are a ton of fun women out there and some actually know what they want! ;-)

Thank You for the advice! God, it SUCKS to think that I was sucked into this thinking it was something special... it really hurts to think I may have been someone's rebound, but I guess that may have been the case (It still doesn't feel like it, though). I appreciate your insight, even though it's clearly not what I wanted to hear... I know I'll be OK, but it's going to sting for a while.

[Ant3LV]

You are still in the healing process. Your divorce has only been final for a month. It's way too early to begin to get serious about someone. You need time to heal from this breakup.

The woman you were seeing seems to be playing the field. She's had 3 divorces already, you don't want to be her fourth.

Take time to learn how to be single again.

Actually, because of the horrible way my ex treated (and continues to treat) me, as well as the 8 months of counseling I went to, I feel a strong sense of being over my ex-wife. It was impossibly hard in the beginning, after I found out about her infidelity, but somehow I survived. Otherwise I wouldn't even be taking the most recent relationship so seriously. I had my 'rebound' (if that's what it is) in Oct 2009 with a woman who just wanted sex, and I guess it was a chance for me to feel wanted again, and it was fine. But I'm the kind of guy (maybe a rare one) who really enjoys being in a REAL relationship, being able to laugh with and love someone and enjoy our time together. If my most recent girlfriend was just 'playing the field' and I was only the 'centerfielder' for the time, she did a great job of hiding it very well. Maybe I am naiive...

[Ant3LV]

UPDATE...

OK... here's an update on my situation... I began NC on March 5th, after she texted me back and forth to say 'Hi', and I sent her quick, nice 'hello' messages back. All small talk, nothing too serious. So I go NC on March 5th, and neither one of us contacts the other at all - until last night (March 23rd), she texts me "Hi, how r u?". I didn't hear my phone (I was out with friends) but saw the message about an hour after she sent it, so I sent back a simple "Hi! How are You?". About 2 hours later, she sends me this : "Sorry, didn't see u text me back till now. I'm good. Work is the same. Going to Laguna next week 4 three days."
So it's about 1am when I get this message, and I don't respond. I get up and go to work this morning, and at about 1:30 this afternoon, I get this from her: "Sorry, won't text you anymore. Never wanted to piss you off or whatever. Just wanted to keep in touch, but I won't. Sorry, take care."
So now, I wait about 15 minutes to collect my thoughts and emotions, and I decide that the best thing is to just call her and calmly/nicely say Hi, and let her know everything's fine. She answers the phone very nice and sweet, and we end up having a good conversation (nothing intense, just basic stuff about her son, my son, her house, her job, my job, etc... ). I keep the tone very friendly and cool, and she does too. I can tell she's a little frazzled, and she says she's been in bed all day being a bum. She does bring up that she thought I was mad at her, but I said no, I'm fine, I was just giving her the 'space' she requested, out of my respect for her feelings. I did tell her before I got off the phone that it's really nice to hear her voice. She also tells me a little later in the call that she's really happy to hear my voice, too. She asks about my son's upcoming birthday party (April 19th). I keep it short and sweet, and wish her the best on her trip to California next week. By the way, she made it a point to tell me that she and her son were going to Cali - no mention of her new boyfriend, for whatever that's worth. She kind of says to me: "well I don't know if I'll talk to you next week or the week after, or...?" kind of as a question, waiting for my response, know what I mean? Kind of waiting for me to say when we should talk again. I just said "yeah, that sounds good". Then I wished her a great trip, and how I hope she has a great time on the beach, and I know she'll have a lot of fun.
Now, what do you think? I think it went well, and I'm not going to hold my breath or anything, but I get the feeling that she might be missing me a little bit. Are there any opinions out there of what I did well, and what I should or should not have said?.

[talaniman]

First adjust your attitude. Your single, and should not be looking to put your eggs in any one basket

Also, forget the relationship stuff for a while, and be free to enjoy yourself, and others. No commitments, and especially forget trying to replace what you had. That's gone.

Date, and enjoy yourself like she is doing, and have as much fun at it, as she does.

Talaniman Rule - Date them all, short, fat, skinny, or tall. 18- 80, blind cripple or crazy.

As to your last conversation, always be nice to potential dates, but never be jealous, or insecure of the competition. Your problem, you don't date enough new people, then you would see what she sees, keep your options open, and enjoy yourself. You may feel like a teen ager but don't act like one.