[garbanz]

My wife left me just before our 1 year anniversary. She comes from a family with a history of mental illness, is an only child and has no emotional connection with her parents. There were no warning signs, and she sends emails, text messages, and her conversations constantly contradict what she says. She does not want to initiate divorce. She has talked about killing herself, but she has finally reached out to old friends. I do not want a divorce, I love her, and I am worried about her.

[amicon]

Do you still see her?
What does she say to her friends?
Is she on any medication?

Some more info,please.

[dazedandconfused2010]

First of all, pray for her. Pray pray pray. And, if she hasn't already, she really needs to see a doctor or specialist. Talk of killing herself is something that if she is ill could be something that she is really thinking about.

The only thing besides everything I already said is just be there for her as much as you can.

[Romefalls19]

Being that she may be mentally ill, there really is nothing you can do except try to get her to see a doctor. You can't help her, you are out of your league, as is most people.

[talaniman]

Of course your worried, how could you not be, but she has to do for herself, and you can only wait and see the direction this takes. Hopefully, she gets what she needs, and you can only support her when she needs it.

Her reaching out to old friends is a positive sign, and may be a good step in the right direction.

Hopefully it will work out for the best. As a husband, you support her. Make sure YOU have the right support for yourself now.

[garbanz]

Do you still see her?
What does she say to her friends?
Is she on any medication?

Some more info,please.

She tells her friends different stories.

No medication.

I have not seen her in over two weeks, we stopped going to therapy together, she could not take it anymore and did not want to be there.

We are separated and living apart, she is in a small town and I am back in the city.

This all literally happened over night.

[garbanz]

Of course your worried, how could you not be, but she has to do for herself, and you can only wait and see the direction this takes. Hopefully, she gets what she needs, and you can only support her when she needs it.

Her reaching out to old friends is a positive sign, and may be a good step in the right direction.

Hopefully it will work out for the best. As a husband, you support her. Make sure YOU have the right support for yourself now.

I am trying to support her, but we have no contact now, she does not want to hear from me. When we do talk, she twists things into very ugly ways.

She also contradicts herself when we were speaking, and especially when she emailed or texted me.

I'm very scared that she has "closed the blinds" on herself being that she is so far away from what she ever called home, friends are far away, and now I am far away.

I am in therapy, and have been committed to it for months now. She has been in and out with different people.

[Fr_Chuck]

Why are you now far away, you said you are "back" in the city, So when you separated why did you not stay close

[garbanz]

why are you now far away, you said you are "back" in the city, So when you seperated why did you not stay close

We did not own a home, we were renting in a place that we both agreed was not helpful to our relationship. She had the car, my commute was so long in one direction, she worked in the opposite direction. She moved to live within 5 minutes where she worked.

[talaniman]

She is supporting herself and living on her own? What's going on here? You are very vague as to the problems your having.

What are you in therapy for?

[garbanz]

She is supporting herself and living on her own? Whats going on here? You are very vague as to the problems your having.

What are you in therapy for?

It's not easy describing all the details. I am on this site looking for more guidance. There is definitely a lot of back story. I do not want to be vague, I'm just not sure how to say everything at once.

There have been a lot of "quick" major decisions made on her part. Part of why I fear that she may have more of a problem than her or I am aware.

Yes she supports herself and lives on her own. She moved out quickly. She broke off all financial ties quickly. But she kept in contact. She agreed to go to therapy with me, in the city I work in which is 1 1/2 hours away for her, which was her idea. Therapy was broken off over two weeks ago. We have barely spoken since, and now have had no contact since she sent me the text messages of wanting to kill herself. Her friend has updated me to how she may be. I am trying to give her the space and let her work on what she needs to work on, but I am scared that she is avoiding some of the reality of the issues.

I don't know, I'm just very worried and she is all over the place and confusing me.

I started therapy when she first mentioned separating. I wanted to start working on myself and the way I interact with people. I don't "let people in", but I have wanted to for a long time. I'm on this site, I am reaching out to people over the past month, I am making connections. I have wanted to find peace with some of my own relationship issues for a long time, losing her made me finally see the truth of what I needed to do.

Wow, that was long and still not everything.

[talaniman]

I am getting a sense that she is doing what she wants, and is breaking up with you, and that's more the problem than a mental illness. I don't really know, but if she has made a decision to leave, I think leaving her alone to deal with her issues is what I see with what you have written.

What kind of mental problems does she take meds for?

[garbanz]

I am getting a sense that she is doing what she wants, and is breaking up with you, and thats more the problem than a mental illness. I don't really know, but if she has made a decision to leave, I think leaving her alone to deal with her issues is what I see with what you have written.

What kind of mental problems does she take meds for?

I'm sorry to be rude, but have you read everything I wrote? She did "break up", she left me. But she does not want to initiate a divorce. She left with in a week with no warning.

I don't dispute what you are saying, but what about the history in her family. Two suicides, a bipolar mother, and a grandmother that used to receive electro shock therapy in the 50's and 60's. She said she was going to kill herself, and her friends and I were frantic calling the police until she showed up at a friends house.

I said she doesn't take any meds.

Actually, the more I think about it, thank you, but I don't think you have followed anything I have written. Thank You though.

[Gemini54]

I'm sorry to be rude, but have you read everything I wrote? She did "break up", she left me. But she does not want to initiate a divorce. She left with in a week with no warning.

I dont dispute what you are saying, but what about the history in her family. Two suicides, a bipolar mother, and a grandmother that used to receive electro shock therapy in the 50's and 60's. She said she was going to kill herself, and her friends and I were frantic calling the police until she showed up at a friends house.

I said she doesnt take any meds.

Actually, the more I think about it, thank you, but I don't think you have followed anything I have written. Thank You though.

I think that you need to be patient with the questions people are asking you. You know and understand your situation, we don't. It might seem annoying, but sometimes people need to ask clarification questions, even if you feel that you've already been clear about something.

Your situation sounds ambiguous - you say that your wife is mentally ill - but it seems that this is in the context of previous mental illnesses in her family - not because she's had an official diagnosis. Is this right?

What I've read so far is that she's capable of supporting herself financially; she doesn't want to be married or be in therapy with you; she's made some dramatic gestures (like threatening suicide); she's impulsive; she tells people different things and she'd prefer to speak with old friends rather than her husband of 1 year.

None of this necessarily describes someone with a mental illness - it might describe a histrionic or narcissistic personality, or it could describe someone that has a bi-polar disorder.

What is plain, is that she doesn't want to be in a relationship with you and that this has been the catalyst for you making changes in your life. Now you're concerned because she's cut off contact when you'd started to make some headway on your own issues.

A couple of questions:

Why did she leave?
Was her behavior erratic or unstable in the 12 months you were married?
What are your relationship issues and how did she respond to them while you were together?

[Kitkat22]

Hi Garbanz.. Give us a chance to help you. How was your relationship before you were married? Is there some tragedy
In her life which may be adding to her problem? Maybe something which caused her to be the way she is? I'm sorry you are hurting.

Every person here is here to help you and when we ask questions
It's because we need to know as much as we can in order to do that! We don't know your real name or where you live or anything personal. We are here if you decide to come back and talk. God Bless you.:):)

[garbanz]

I think that you need to be patient with the questions people are asking you. You know and understand your situation, we don't. It might seem annoying, but sometimes people need to ask clarification questions, even if you feel that you've already been clear about something.

Your situation sounds ambiguous - you say that your wife is mentally ill - but it seems that this is in the context of previous mental illnesses in her family - not because she's had an official diagnosis. Is this right?

What I've read so far is that she's capable of supporting herself financially; she doesn't want to be married or be in therapy with you; she's made some dramatic gestures (like threatening suicide); she's impulsive; she tells people different things and she'd prefer to speak with old friends rather than her husband of 1 year.

None of this necessarily describes someone with a mental illness - it might describe a histrionic or narcissistic personality, or it could describe someone that has a bi-polar disorder.

What is plain, is that she doesn't want to be in a relationship with you and that this has been the catalyst for you making changes in your life. Now you're concerned because she's cut off contact when you'd started to make some headway on your own issues.

A couple of questions:

Why did she leave?
Was her behavior erratic or unstable in the 12 months you were married?
What are your relationship issues and how did she respond to them while you were together?

Thank you, and you are right, patience is important. This is the first time I have turned to an internet "forum" to help look for some guidance, so I am not that familiar with the way things are translated.

I have not said she has a mental illness, I did say, that I fear she might. Yes the family history, as well as out of control mood swings and emotional states she has been going through. This all happened so quickly. You mentioned narcissistic personality, as well as bipolar disorder. My therapist brought those up as well. Her mother is bipolar, and supposedly it can be hereditary. She also takes a medication for her thyroid, but does not see the doctor regularly.

She left because she said she needed space. Her behavior was erratic and unstable but more towards things like work, apartments. In 12 years, she moved 11 times, and absolutely fell in love with each place she moved to (except one that I know of), and has had 8 different jobs that she had similar feelings for.

She often thinks that the "new" situation is going to solve everything, and make things better. Kind of like "the grass is always greener...".

Our relationship issues were often around her finding happiness, and self esteem. Also about how I would communicate with other people, I do not always let many people in. She has always told me that I would give her happiness, that we would always agree and we should never have an argument because that would not be true love.

Is that helpful?

[garbanz]

Hi Garbanz..Give us a chance to help you. How was your relationship before you were married? Is there some tragedy
in her life which may be adding to her problem? Maybe something which caused her to be the way she is? I'm sorry you are hurting.

Every person here is here to help you and when we ask questions
it's because we need to know as much as we can in order to do that! we don't know your real name or where you live or anything personal. We are here if you decide to come back and talk. God Bless you.:):)

Thank You.
The only tragedy in her life as I would say, was the separation of her parents for 12 years, then their divorce. Her parents are major roles in her issues in life. When we were in therapy, our therapist started to explore that with her, and she was getting extremely uncomfortable with it. He told her that both parents really affected her emotionally by withdrawing affection from her all her life. She had never really dealt with the issue of her parents.

Our first year married, we stacked some cards against us. Our living situation was not ideal, but she down plays that very much though I think it has a lot to do with everything. My uncles passing was a very emotional event for her. She told me afterwards that she had never witnessed something so emotional, and she was very overwhelmed but happy that she saw so many people showing love for someone.

Our relationship prior was very good. We loved each other very much. We both would do anything for each other. I was everything to her, and she to me. Everything was always so exciting, it was like falling in love everyday.

[Kitkat22]

Thank you for returning to this forum. You will see you have people here who want to help you. You seem like an awfully nice guy and I'm so sorry you're going through this terrible time. It's a hard time for both you and your wife.

Do you still love her? I believe you do. Depression is a horrible thing to go through and I'm sure she is hurting for both of you.
It's a bum deal to have to live in that state of mind! You may not think she feels bad for her moods and but please let me tell you as one who has been there she does.


I went through a horrible depression several years ago and could hardly make myself get out of bed or answer the phone. Some days I didn't. I slept and when my kids came home I put on a mask of happiness, but I felt I was no good to them or to my husband. Finally
My husband said you have to get help, you cannot go on this way. I did
Get help and it was like a week after I started medication I was better.

What do you want for yourself in the future? Where do you see yourself five years from now? Do you see her in your future? How would you feel about a future without her? If she does seek help and goes to a doctor who will help her and stay on her meds, would you want her to come back? 'm asking because I think you still love her.

[louise9]

I think, you should try and write her a letter maybe type it so she won't know who it is from until she reads it, find a nice doctor she will get on with find his/hers number write it in the letter ask her to go and see the doctor so you can stop worring. Let her know that if she needs help your there for that. Let her no that you do still worry about her and you really don't want the divorce. She may be depresses over losing you but I'm no doc. Try that and see what happens. Also try talking to her see why she is upset, go along with what she says she may just want someone she can just talk to that will listen to her.

[Kitkat22]

i think, you should try and write her a letter maybe type it so she wont know who it is from until she reads it, find a nice doctor she will get on with find his/hers number write it in the letter ask her to go and see the doctor so you can stop worring. let her know that if she needs help your there for that. let her no that you do still worry about her and you really dont want the divorce. she may be depresses over losing you but im no doc. try that and see what happens. also try talking to her see why she is upset, go along with what she says she may just want someone she can just talk to that will listen to her.

No games... that's the worst thing he can do. He is an honest man who has been through a lot and so has his wife. Husbands and wives should be able to communicate openly and honestly and I'm sure he will agree. He is a good man who wants to do the right thing.