[talaniman]

Handling business is a great idea, listening to a broken heart is not. That requires no bravery, just giving in to intense feelings. Big difference.

[garbanz]

Handling business is a great idea, listening to a broken heart is not. That requires no bravery, just giving in to intense feelings. Big difference.

What exactly do you mean? I did not write anything about broken hearts. I wrote a short letter expressing my thoughts and feelings . All of which were kept in check, and put nothing on the table of a broken heart.

Actually the letter talked about the peace, self reflection, and time of healing being welcomed. However still expressed my feelings towards her, as well as my willingness to begin traveling the road ahead.

You seem angry, perhaps bitter about something. I figured I'd give this forum a shot, and have no regrets. The problem is that typed words in little to no context do not tell a whole story.

[Kitkat22]

What exactly do you mean? I did not write anything about broken hearts. I wrote a short letter expressing my thoughts and feelings . All of which were kept in check, and put nothing on the table of a broken heart.

Actually the letter talked about the peace, self reflection, and time of healing being welcomed. However still expressed my feelings towards her, as well as my willingness to begin traveling the road ahead.

You seem angry, perhaps bitter about something. I figured I'd give this forum a shot, and have no regrets. The problem is that typed words in little to no context do not tell a whole story.

Maybe this will be the final thing that tells you what you need to hear.. If she didn't respond with any hope of getting things resolved, you need to star thinking about living without her. That's an awful thing to have to accept but being the nice guy I feel you are, you need some peace of mind.

You can't go go on living on false hope. I will say this, you hhave tried. Most men would have given up. You didn't. Start planning your life and start trying to be if not happy, content. If it's meant to be and if she loves you she'll get help. You don't know what you've got until it's gone.
Maybe this will be what she realizes when you are no longer there. My prayers are with you and I know it's going to be hard letting go, but who
Knows what the future holds... Be good to yourself... Blessings

[garbanz]

Threads merged

I have posted on this forum before so there is some explanation to my situation. My wife left me in January of this year, we were going to counseling, but that ended March 1st. Since that day I have not seen her, and only spoke with her last weekend, sparked by our taxes, as well as I had written her a letter.

She said that my letter was the first time she felt that I was beside her since our problems became open. She told me that she loves me, after months of saying that she did not. Vaguely spoke of having a future together. But she said she was so scared of me, and she does not know why. Because of that, she wants little to no contact with me until she can work out her problems that reside at her core. Mental illness has been my question in the past, and only time will determine more. She has talked to her therapist, friends and family and has told them all, as well as me, that she knows I have never hurt her, never physically anything towards her. I have not, and I never could. She knows how much I love her, but her fear scares her and she is sad that this fear exists because she does not understand it. Nor do I, but I am trying to respect that space. When we did speak, I was loving, supportive, and told her I wanted to continue the space because I appreciated the time for reflection and growth on both of our sides, but that I missed her, and hoped for the day of a chance of reconciliation.

Can anyone give me some insight on this? Has anyone been here before? I love her, want her back, and am respecting the space as hard as it is for me. But I feel so in the dark, and confused, she can not help me with that and I know that and I will not try to get it from her, but can anyone?

Thanks

[Jake2008]

Fear comes in many forms. She may not necessarily fear you physically harming her at all.

She could be feeling fear over making changes in her life. She could be fearful of facing you, or hurting you, or having you think less of her because she no longer wishes to live the life she has.

Commitment to one person sometimes changes over time. She may think that she's missed something major in her life while being married to you. She could be thinking that before she gets too old, she wants to be completely independent, and figure out what she wants out of this life.

She could be afraid to go back, and afraid to move forward. Between a rock and a hard place so to speak.

While she says she loves you, it sounds to me that she is at a crossroad here. Mental illness may have nothing to do with it. She could have good, clear thinking going on, and she's struggling to make the best choices for herself.

If she does come back to you, the plus side is that she will have no doubts about being with you. Had she not taken the time to examine her own individual life without you, that possibility might have not existed.

My advice to you is to give her the time and distance she needs to find her way. I'm not saying that you shouldn't live your life, and hopefully she realizes what the possible consequences are if you meet somebody new. But, keep in touch with her, consider minimally for the time being.

When she is ready to talk turkey, you will know.

I hope this all works out for you.

[Alty]

Are both of you still in therapy, single and couples?

Until she figures out what's at the core of her fear I don't think she'll be able to make a full commitment to you.

This could take a while, so you have to decide if you're in it for the long haul. Sounds to me like you are. :)

Just give it time, continue therapy and make sure she knows that you're willing to wait for her to work this out.

Good luck.

[JoeCanada76]

Maybe she is using this so called fear as an excuse to stay away for some reason. Maybe she is afraid of hurting you. Trying to pass it off as she is scared of you but in reality she is scared herself of hurting you in the relationship but does not want to take responsibility for her actions whatever they may be.

She is defiantly hiding something but what is she hiding?

[Gemini54]

I'm curious that she's 'so scared' of you - or says she is.

I'm also suspicious - because it sort of makes you the bad guy in this.

She loves you, but is scared of you, so (ergo) something must be wrong with you and nothing can move forward in terms of deciding what to do with the marriage.

Why did she not mention this fear in counselling?

I'm with Jesushelper, I don't know, something does not ring quite true to me in this.

But, as the other posters have said you have no other chocie but to wait. The question is, for how long?

[Kitkat22]

Hi again Garbanz.. I was hoping the next time we talked, things would be better.

Your wife has problems which has nothing to do with you. You said mental illness is in her family and I'm very sorry you both have to go through this.

I honestly believe you love this woman deeply and most men would have given up long ago. Just be patient and pray God will touch her heart and heal your marriage... :)

People here are wonderful and have given you some great advice.. Keep on posting.. Okay?

[talaniman]

Originally Posted by talaniman
Handling business is a great idea, listening to a broken heart is not. That requires no bravery, just giving in to intense feelings. Big difference.

Originally Posted by garbanz
What exactly do you mean? I did not write anything about broken hearts. I wrote a short letter expressing my thoughts and feelings . All of which were kept in check, and put nothing on the table of a broken heart.

My point was you are able to communicate on some logical level, and handle your business even if she still cannot deal with her personal issues with you. Hey I can understand your situation and feel for you, but be cautious where your heart is concerned, as controlled as you are, because its up to her now, to overcome what ever issues she has. That means you have to put your own life in some kind of logical order, without her.

This may take a long while to resolve.

[Kitkat22]

My point was you are able to communicate on some logical level, and handle your business even if she still cannot deal with her personal issues with you. Hey I can understand your situation and feel for you, but be cautious where your heart is concerned, as controlled as you are, because its up to her now, to overcome what ever issues she has. That means you have to put your own life in some kind of logical order, without her.

This may take a long while to resolve.

I agree with Talaniman, it may take a long time to resolve. Your wife has problems.. It's not your fault and I don't think she would have chosen to be like this. You are strong but at some point you
May have to move on. You'll know if that time comes. You are in my prayers... :)

[garbanz]

While she says she loves you, it sounds to me that she is at a crossroad here. Mental illness may have nothing to do with it. She could have good, clear thinking going on, and she's struggling to make the best choices for herself.

If she does come back to you, the plus side is that she will have no doubts about being with you. Had she not taken the time to examine her own individual life without you, that possibility might have not existed.

My advice to you is to give her the time and distance she needs to find her way. I'm not saying that you shouldn't live your life, and hopefully she realizes what the possible consequences are if you meet somebody new. But, keep in touch with her, consider minimally for the time being.

When she is ready to talk turkey, you will know.

I hope this all works out for you.

Thank You very much! Everything you have said makes sense, and I assure you that the very same thoughts go through my mind as well. I love her dearly, and am trying to respect the entire situation.

It is not easy though. I am trying to take care of myself, but every day for the past few months have been the longest days of my life. I am truly in so much pain. Nobody around me is aware of the pain I am in, or least how deep it is. I do not express this to her in the little contact we had a last weekend, because I am trying to remain strong and supportive. For myself as well, but very hard.

Thank You Again, I appreciate your thoughts and advice.

[garbanz]

Are both of you still in therapy, single and couples?

Until she figures out what's at the core of her fear I don't think she'll be able to make a full commitment to you.

This could take a while, so you have to decide if you're in it for the long haul. Sounds to me like you are. :)

Just give it time, continue therapy and make sure she knows that you're willing to wait for her to work this out.

Good luck.

I am in therapy, as far as I know, she is as well. Not couples therapy, we have not seen each other in almost two months, the last time we saw each other was our last session together.

I want to be in it for the "long haul", and I am. In my heart, there is no other thought, but the hurt and anger I feel at times can be very overwhelming. But I continue, and keep going. It is not an easy journey, and the fear I have is the worst I have ever felt. I am a pretty tough guy, always known around people as a "man's man", but this is beyond difficult for me.

Thank you.

[garbanz]

Maybe she is using this so called fear as an excuse to stay away for some reason. Maybe she is afraid of hurting you. Trying to pass it off as she is scared of you but in reality she is scared herself of hurting you in the relationship but does not want to take responsibility for her actions whatever they may be.

She is defiantly hiding something but what is she hiding?

I agree. But I do not know how to confront that question, or even if I should try. The no contact is helpful and hurtful, when there is contact, where do you begin? I try with simple calm, understanding, and love. But the constant doubt and back and forth hurts. No arguing, but we do not seem to get anywhere.

She has often said, she does not want to hurt me, that she needs to stay away as to not continue hurting me. I definitely agree that something else is at hand. But I believe in my heart that it is emotional and mental, not necessarily physical. Another guy? Maybe, but if so, it is for emotional reasons more than physical. That is what makes it hurt the most.

[garbanz]

I'm curious that she's 'so scared' of you - or says she is.

I'm also suspicious - because it sort of makes you the bad guy in this.

She loves you, but is scared of you, so (ergo) something must be wrong with you and nothing can move forward in terms of deciding what to do with the marriage.

Why did she not mention this fear in counselling?

I'm with Jesushelper, I dunno, something does not ring quite true to me in this.

But, as the other posters have said you have no other chocie but to wait. The question is, for how long?

Thank you, I also agree, as I said to "helper".

How long... for as long as my heart can remain stronger than my mind.

[garbanz]

Hi again Garbanz..I was hoping the next time we talked, things would be better.

Your wife has problems which has nothing to do with you. You said mental illness is in her family and I"m very sorry you both have to go through this.

I honestly believe you love this woman deeply and most men would have given up long ago. Just be patient and pray God will touch her heart and heal your marriage...:)

People here are wonderful and have given you some great advice..Keep on posting..Okay?

Thank you very much! I too hope that I will be able to post one day with happy news.

But for now, I find some healing from the different advice and ideas from the others here as well. Thank you again.

[garbanz]

My point was you are able to communicate on some logical level, and handle your business even if she still cannot deal with her personal issues with you. Hey I can understand your situation and feel for you, but be cautious where your heart is concerned, as controlled as you are, because its up to her now, to overcome what ever issues she has. That means you have to put your own life in some kind of logical order, without her.

This may take a long while to resolve.

Thank you. Your point about control is a very good one, I usually have a lot of control in many parts of my life, but I know with this I do not. That is why it has been so much more difficult for me.

I am seeking as much advice as I can, with trying to let go of control, and accept that more in my life so I can be at peace with these types of things. Anyone that can give me "pointers?" with that issue would be helpful as well. I am truly trying to better myself through this pain.

[Kitkat22]

Thank you. Your point about control is a very good one, I usually have alot of control in many parts of my life, but i know with this I do not. That is why it has been so much more difficult for me.

I am seeking as much advice as I can, with trying to let go of control, and accept that more in my life so i can be at peace with these types of things. Anyone that can give me "pointers?" with that issue would be helpful as well. I am truly trying to better myself through this pain.

Hey garbanze.. Good Luck.. Hope everything works out for you. Goodby.. God Bless.:)

[garbanz]

It has been some time since I have revisited this question I had posted.
Personally I have found some tools to cope and handle with the pain I have suffered from this loss and for that I am grateful.
I am still legally married... but have had no contact with my wife for a few months now and very little over the past year. I have been up and down on so many levels, and am in a place where I do not know what to do other than what I feel to be right for me. I have been unable to make a decision on what is right for me in terms of ending my marriage. I have accepted the loss, so therefore I do not feel as though I have a wife, but I breakdown every time I have taken the steps to end this marriage. No steps have been made by her either other than the initial leaving.
I continue to search for what is right in me, and promise not to hold back and accept what may come. But forcing myself... I am not there yet.