[Kitkat22]

thx, i will be back latter.

Tell me about the text when you come back!

[detective64]

Kitkat22, I haven't read any of their text msg's. She said she is saving them so I can read them.

[Kitkat22]

Kitkat22, I havn't read any of their text msg's. She said she is saving them so I can read them.

See, you are worrying over nothing.

[detective64]

KitKat22, I have never posted stuff before. Am I doing this right?

[Kitkat22]

KitKat22, I have never posted stuff before. Am I doing this right?

You're doing great!

[talaniman]

I think the battle is in your mind, and have nothing to worry about. I think you just need time to adjust to your wife having a job, and is no longer safely at home where you didn't have to worry.

Amazing how insecurity, fear, and yes jealousy can make us CUCKOO, BUT YOUR SANITY WIL RETURN. Tell your wife that, she needs to know, and she sounds like a fantastic caring person.

[Larken85]

Friend or not, female or male that is far too much texting. You are not comfortable with their "Friendship" and your wife should respect that. He is far too young to be hanging out with a 40 yr old casually too. Just an opinion. I am with someone that is nearly that much older than I and it isn't just some friendly relationship let me tell you. I went older for experience and maturity... She went younger for energy and stamina (among several other reasons of course.) I would feel the same way as you do. And the reason I would feel this way is because I have acted gay to get under the other guy's nose and at the gf's request. (I can pull the voice and manerisms off perfectly cause I have plenty of gay friends.)
I suggest telling her that she needs to respect your feelings and end the friendship. Also if she really fights hard against it you pretty much know for sure that he is either really that good of a friend or he is a lover. Sorry

[smoothy]

I agree with the above... its just not normal that anyone spends that much time texting or talking with coworkers outside the office.

Much less a married woman and an unmarried man (gay or not).

Yeah it is possible nothings going on... but it is possible something is just as well. Her actions on the texting and deleting them raises suspicions to me. I doubt she totally stopped cold turkey.

Hard to really know for sure without knowing her or him and looking at their body language.

[hheath541]

Why did you start a second thread saying the same thing as the first? Were you hoping to get different answers?

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/marria...ed-457995.html

[Alty]

Friend or not, female or male that is far too much texting. You are not comfortable with their "Friendship" and your wife should respect that. He is far too young to be hanging out with a 40 yr old casually too. just an opinion. I am with someone that is nearly that much older than I and it isn't just some friendly relationship let me tell you. I went older for expierence and maturity... She went younger for energy and stamina (among several other reasons of course.) I would feel the same way as you do. And the reason I would feel this way is because I have acted gay to get under the other guy's nose and at the gf's request. (I can pull the voice and manerisms off perfectly cause I have plenty of gay friends.)
I suggest telling her that she needs to respect your feelings and end the friendship. Also if she really fights hard against it you pretty much know for sure that he is either really that good of a friend or he is a lover. Sorry

I have to address this.

I have friends that are in their 20's, I'm almost 40, and yes, they are just friends and they are male. Just because you can't have a friendship with someone of the opposite sex without it turning sexual, doesn't mean others can't.

You've acted gay in order to get into someone's pants? OMG! Who does that? Have you ever heard about honesty in a relationship? How can someone ever trust you if you pretend to be gay in order to get closer to them? That's just ridiculous and very unsettling.

As for the OP telling his wife to respect his feeling and end the relationship, maybe he should try something that all good marriages do, it's called communication. Demanding that someone do something just because you don't like it, that's a sure way to end up on a rocky relationship road. By all means he should tell her how he feels, calmly, rationally, but he shouldn't demand.

Also, if she does "fight hard" to keep her friendship, that doesn't mean that they're lovers. Unlike you, most people don't pretend to be gay to get closer to someone. I'm sure he really is gay and really is just a friend. I wouldn't be that quick to dump a friend just because my husband is jealous and insecure.

To the OP, talk to her about it. Talk, not demand, not accuse, just talk, tell her how you feel, calmly and rationally. That's what makes a real relationship work.

[Larken85]

Kitkat what exactly is TMF?

[Kitkat22]

kitkat what exactly is TMF?

I meant to say TMI! Too Much Imformation! Telling someone you pretend to be gay to pick up woman is shameful! You can give me a reddie. You were wrong! There are gay people who do have feelings and although I may not agree with the lifestyle neither do I agree with living together without the benefit of marriage. I'm no saint God knows every flaw I have and there are many. Sin is sin, whether it be adultery, fornication,lying,stealing and God loves all of us the same. Think of all the hate crimes against gay people. That's how I feel. I really don't care whether you agree or not.

[Larken85]

I never told them to pretend to be, I never said I pretended to be gay to pick up women. I pretended to be gay to get past the ex of hers. It is better than getting your butt beat. Of course then again the better choice would have of course been to not be in the position at all but if the need arises I know that I can do it. I'm not going to give you a red simply because you took offense to my post. There is no purpose in that. If I think you cross the line is the only time I will give out reds and you have merely stated your own opinion. I have no problem with hearing your point of view at all. And as an fyi I do not believe that this man in question is actually gay at all. I would say it's a passod. Sure stranger things have happened but on the other hand think about the age difference. He is much much too young to be friends with this person. I am sorry but it doesn't normally happen. What's more likely is that she wants a younger lover but doesn't want to leave her man.
I know it is low down, dirty, and purely shameful, but when you are getting something great for something slightly humilaiting its kind of worth it. Sorry to say, some men are just in certain relationships for the perks. That particular relationship perk never happened for me but the thought of it is what drove me to act all shady. Plus I was immature back then too so... yeah anyway. Sorry you didn't like what I had to say, and I didn't mean to offend you. Hope you have a good day and keep dishin out that good advice.

[Kitkat22]

I never told them to pretend to be, I never said I pretended to be gay to pick up women. I pretended to be gay to get past the ex of hers. It is better than getting your butt beat. Of course then again the better choice would have of course been to not be in the position at all but if the need arises I know that I can do it. I'm not going to give you a red simply because you took offense to my post. There is no purpose in that. If I think you cross the line is the only time I will give out reds and you have mearly stated your own opinion. I have no problem with hearing your point of view at all. And as an fyi I do not believe that this man in question is actually gay at all. I would say its a passod. Sure stranger things have happened but on the other hand think about the age difference. He is much much too young to be friends with this person. I am sorry but it doesn't normally happen. Whats more likely is that she wants a younger lover but doesn't want to leave her man.
I know it is low down, dirty, and purely shameful, but when you are getting something great for something slightly humilaiting its kinda worth it. sorry to say, some men are just in certain relationships for the perks. That particular relationship perk never happened for me but the thought of it is what drove me to act all shady. Plus I was immature back then too so... yeah anyways. Sorry you didn't like what I had to say, and I didn't mean to offend you. Hope you have a good day and keep dishin out that good advice.

Thanks, Larkin... Have a good day.

[hheath541]

I never told them to pretend to be, I never said I pretended to be gay to pick up women. I pretended to be gay to get past the ex of hers. It is better than getting your butt beat. Of course then again the better choice would have of course been to not be in the position at all but if the need arises I know that I can do it. I'm not going to give you a red simply because you took offense to my post. There is no purpose in that. If I think you cross the line is the only time I will give out reds and you have mearly stated your own opinion. I have no problem with hearing your point of view at all. And as an fyi I do not believe that this man in question is actually gay at all. I would say its a passod. Sure stranger things have happened but on the other hand think about the age difference. He is much much too young to be friends with this person. I am sorry but it doesn't normally happen. Whats more likely is that she wants a younger lover but doesn't want to leave her man.
I know it is low down, dirty, and purely shameful, but when you are getting something great for something slightly humilaiting its kinda worth it. sorry to say, some men are just in certain relationships for the perks. That particular relationship perk never happened for me but the thought of it is what drove me to act all shady. Plus I was immature back then too so... yeah anyways. Sorry you didn't like what I had to say, and I didn't mean to offend you. Hope you have a good day and keep dishin out that good advice.

You are either missing, or ignoring, the part where he said this guy was in a long-term relationship with another man, and that people who have KNOWN this guy for awhile all say he's gay.

If he's faking it for this woman, then he's been laying the foundation for the lie a LOT longer than he's known her. Not only that, but he's perpetrating the lie for ALL his coworkers, and has been for YEARS.

The age gap means nothing. I've been friends with people much older than me, without it ever turning into anything sexual. I've also been friends with kids a lot younger than me without being a pedophile.

Gay men, in particular, often have female friends that are much older than them. The process of coming out, and living as an out gay man, makes them more mature than the average straight man. They have faced life experiences that most heterosexual people cannot even imagine. They are also a lot more understanding and candid.

[Cat1864]

I just want to point out that he is just out of a relationship and when out of town your wife is probably lonely. He is filling the friend spot for her and she is filling the friend spot for him. They are companions in the true sense of the word. He needs someone to help him heal and move on. Who better than an older woman who needs/wants/desires nothing more from him than friendship? They are 'safe' for each other.

When I have helped friends through break ups, I know they have said something's that they would term 'secret' and would want those things held 'in trust'. It may be the same way for your wife and her friend. Since that time she could have discussed sharing their conversations with you and he gave his permission or the latest ones haven't haven't had extremely personal information.

He may feel that texting her at home is intruding on your time with her. He may not feel comfortable yet coming for dinner and being a 'third-wheel'. For some people seeing a happy couple makes the pain of a break-up even worse.

As for ages and friends, I am very glad to have friends whose ages span many decades and a multitude of experiences. Having those friends helps me see the world and life from more than just my limited perspective.

[Kitkat22]

I just want to point out that he is just out of a relationship and when out of town your wife is probably lonely. He is filling the friend spot for her and she is filling the friend spot for him. They are companions in the true sense of the word. He needs someone to help him heal and move on. Who better than an older woman who needs/wants/desires nothing more from him than friendship? They are 'safe' for each other.

When I have helped friends through break ups, I know they have said somethings that they would term 'secret' and would want those things held 'in trust'. It may be the same way for your wife and her friend. Since that time she could have discussed sharing their conversations with you and he gave his permission or the latest ones haven't haven't had extremely personal information.

He may feel that texting her at home is intruding on your time with her. He may not feel comfortable yet coming for dinner and being a 'third-wheel'. For some people seeing a happy couple makes the pain of a break-up even worse.

As for ages and friends, I am very glad to have friends whose ages span many decades and a multitude of experiences. Having those friends helps me see the world and life from more than just my limited perspective.

I also think anytime anyone's pretends to gay to "score" with a woman, that is just not acceptable. This woman has a gay friend. There is no secret plan to swoop her up and carry her away from her husband! :)

[detective64]

then you tell her you trust her, you just had a moment of self-doubt. you're over it now and know she would never cheat on you.



yes, but not a gay man. i've known several, though.

Hello, I'm back... I thought I would post an update. I have a lot to say. So I will try to make it short. If anyone has any ?'s I would be happy to reply.

I took some of your advice and told her I had a moment of self-doubt... I did read the text msg's and it was all fun stuff. Once I got over the fact and accepted that she was having a great time txting and having fun with her new friend it really relieved the stress for me. Now she tries to include me in some on their txting. I still have a little suspition but all I can do is trust her and mainly trust God that everything is good. I want to be included as much as posible so I don't make it a big deal and get what ever she is willing to let me in on. I do realize I don't own her and she is intitled to have friends and canversations that are private. Just as I would have converstion with some of my buddies that I would'nt want public. (thanks to the posts) I am either an ediot or the best husband anyone could hope for. I'm go'n with the best husband award! Ha ha. Anyway... she is back to work and they go to the gym, hang out, and text all the time. I have talked to him briefly just to say hi. We all seem to have an open relationship. I really don't want to make things difficult, but I also don't want to be blind! I actually like this guy... but there is a part of me that feels "I will break his neck if he is taking advantage of my trust" her to.. so far so good. Wow that's the short version... I'm open to questions...

[hheath541]

I'm glad things have gotten better and you were able to get over most of the jealousy.

Some jealousy is normal. It's OK to be a little jealous that she has someone in her life who's sharing her attention, as long as you realize that they're just friends.

The protectiveness is normal, too. You love your wife and don't want to see her hurt. Until you know him better, or they've been friends for longer, it's OK to feel protective of her feelings. Just keep that in the background and don't let it consume you, and you'll be fine.

[Cat1864]

Thank you for the update.

It sounds like things are going well for you. I am glad that you are, at least slightly, getting to know him. He sounds like a good friend for your wife and nothing more.

As Heath said, the feelings are natural. I am sure she would feel the same if you started texting and spending a lot of time with one of your friends. Just keep the lines of communication open and be aware of the boundaries that you both set and everything should be fine.