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Lan · Nov 29, 2006, 05:37 PM

Hello

Three months ago my dad passed away really suddenly. One month ago, my husband left and said he didn't love me anymore. I believed him. I got all the money in order, went to a lawyer and applied for a new mortgage and bought my husband out. I sorted through the whole house, pictures, everything and split everything up. I took three days off work to do all of the previous things then went back to work teaching junior high/senior high special education a one hour commute from home. I am now left with two dogs and a real numb feeling. Now all that sort of stuff is done - I am sitting here and the major thing I am feeling is confusion and nausea. I make it through work and then come home and feel tired, dizzy. I am making mistakes like vacuum over wet stuff and ruining my expensive vacuum cleaner. I have lots of support from family and friends but I am 8 hours away from all of them (I moved here for my husband's job) People are telling how lucky I am that I don't have kids, that he didn't cheat on me, that I have a good job and could asfford all of this upheaval. And I agree with them that it is lucky. However, how I am I supposed to feel? Is this what it is supposed to feel like? :confused:

jenni9 · Nov 29, 2006, 05:49 PM

I think your feelings seem natural, actually A LOT like mine when I lost my marriage and my grandfather (who was like my Dad) in the same month. I felt numb, and questioned my feelings exactly the way you are.

valinors_sorrow · Nov 29, 2006, 05:49 PM

You've been through some devastating losses. And probably pushed a bunch of emotional reaction to the back burner in order to function. And function you did, and beautifully it sounds. I bet you are good in emergencies too. But now its catching up to you. This is exactly how it should feel. Some shock may even be settling in, hence the mindlessness with the vacuum cleaner. Be kind to yourself and remind yourself its only a crummy vacuum cleaner, never mind how much it cost. I think I recognise what you did by having done it myself. Slow down, allow yourself to feel the pain. Be kind to yourself in the basics, eat right, sleep more, and let the lesser important things go for a little while. Take time for reflections, take walks in a park, read books on the grief process and let the tears come when they come too. The numb will wear off, the fragile part will be a little scary, and its two steps forward and one back with anger, hurt, fear through a lot of the journey. Most people take at least a year before there is some semblence of normalcy so in that meantime, be careful with yourself-- don't make any big decisions for a bit. I have lost both my parents now, and it's a strange feeling to be so alone. It isn't something you get over as much as you get used to, at least that is how its been for me. My condolences for your losses.

ordinaryguy · Nov 29, 2006, 06:22 PM

Oh, my dear! Of course you're numb! Who wouldn't be after a double whammy like that. I'm sure your friends mean well pointing out the ways you're "lucky", but you can certainly be forgiven for not feeling lucky. You've just suffered two major bereavements, either one of which would knock anybody for a loop, and require many months or years to come to terms with. Notice I didn't say "get over". I don't think we can really get over things like this. What we can eventually do is learn to live with them, but it takes much time and healing and tenderness with yourself. You're in the early stages of this process, so pace yourself, and don't expect everything to get back to "normal" right away. The old normal is gone forever, and the new one isn't visible through the fog yet. I remember waking up in the morning and having the opposite sensation to what you feel when waking up from a bad dream--leaving a safe and peaceful sleep and waking up into the continuing nightmare of grief.

I hope you'll feel free to come back here anytime for encouragement, a shoulder to cry on, or just some human contact. There are good and caring people here who have experienced something similar to what you're going through and are more than willing to listen and help however they can. Keep in touch.

Lan · Nov 29, 2006, 07:49 PM

Wow - thanks for the replies. You know, I haven't really said all of that to anyone this past month. Its kind of liberating to say "I not okay right now" but I will be... :o

valinors_sorrow · Nov 29, 2006, 07:52 PM

Its okay to be not okay :p

ordinaryguy · Nov 30, 2006, 05:54 AM

You're obviously a very strong and capable person. This is good, and these qualities will serve you well as you go through this. However, it's also OK to be temporarily weak and vulnerable and overwhelmed in the face of devastating losses. You can't be strong and in control all the time, so be willing to accept the feelings of weakness and powerlessness that will punctuate the next several months, and when a good cry happens, make the most of it.

Most of all, be gentle with yourself. Don't berate yourself for mistakes that you made or opportunities that you missed. Val's point about eating right and sleeping more is right on. Keep the basics of your life and work routine in order, and don't do anything desperate or dramatic. The only way out is through it, and unpleasant though it is, this experience is adding something tremendously valuable to your character and personality. So as much as you can, embrace it and accept it in all its awfulness, knowing that it is bringing you to a new level of strength and maturity that you wouldn't have reached without it.

P.S. If you don't mind my asking, how old are you?

Lan · Nov 30, 2006, 04:44 PM

I am 34 years old.

kp2171 · Nov 30, 2006, 10:41 PM

I haven't experienced a divorce. I have had startling losses that sent me reeling. As in two years of frustration, confusion, misdirection.

I can only support what has been said. Let yourself feel whatever you feel. Its fine to be off balance. If it wasn't supposed to mean anything it wouldn't hurt so damn much.

So yeah... you need to give yourself some slack and some time.

Don't be afraid to be demanding of yourself, and at the same time give yourself some slack.

You didn't want this. You weren't expecting this. You deserve some time to process it.

ordinaryguy · Dec 1, 2006, 05:40 AM

Originally Posted by Lan

I am 34 years old.

The dearest friend of my life died suddenly and unexpectedly when I was 35. I was completely dysfunctional for most of a year, and it was more than two years before my life was anything like normal. But looking back on it 25 years later I see that the experience was like a forest fire that consumed a lot of deadfall and trash that had accumulated in my psyche and prepared me for marriage and parenthood. So I encourage you to see this as preparation for a future that never could have been without it. That won't make it easy, I know, but it can keep you from the despair of feeling like the pain has no redeeming value.

jenni9 · Dec 1, 2006, 01:35 PM

Lan, believe it or not, what (who) helped me cope a lot through my situation was my DOG (Ginger). I'm glad you've got your dogs, even though they can't replace human companionship. They're LOYAL and forgiving, which is a lot of traits I seldom tend to see anymore in people.

I am so admirable of you for handling it the way you did, taking action when needed. You were probably in the "fight or flight" mode when this all happened, and now it's hit you like a ton of rocks, and of course, you don't know how to feel now that the adrenaline rush is over and your "job is done". Like everyone said, it's OK to not feel OK, and you're a hero in my book.

Lan · Dec 1, 2006, 06:25 PM

That really makes a lot of sense, ordinaryguy. I guess, I have been, in some ways, fighting what I naturally want to do because I feel like I can't fall apart. Excuses like, 'i have to work" "I have to keep strong so people won't worry" But to be honest, I think my body is starting to do it for me. My muscles are sore (although I have had to shovel a lot of snow lately) I am sick to my stomach a lot and yes, the dizziness. I guess, my next question is... what happens if I fall apart? Aside from work, I don't have anyone living close to me.What if I have to actually ask for help from people who have offered it?

Lan · Dec 1, 2006, 06:27 PM

You are so right about the dogs. They keep me sane!!

J_9 · Dec 1, 2006, 06:33 PM

Lan, I have been reading this thread carefully and you have some absolutely beautiful advice. I am terribly sorry for the intense pain you must be feeling right now and wish there was something more I could do than just give advice.

Originally Posted by Lan

What if I have to actually ask for help from people who have offered it?

I will say this:

The people offered the help most likely because they care. If they offered help, please do not feel hesitant to ask for the help. You may just find a true friend that can help make these times easier for you.

I wish I could offer more.

valinors_sorrow · Dec 1, 2006, 06:45 PM

My experience is when you ask for help, you usually get it, not always in the shape and size and color you might have imagined but I have rarely been left holding the bag. It is necessary I think to periodically fall apart. Its like seasons maybe? As I told work recently when I shocked them quitting, its my meltdown, so don't mess with me! It's a bit like that saying about when I come to the edge of all that I know, I will either be provided solid ground to stand on or be taught how to fly? Some passages in life have very zen-like characteristics, it seems to me. You're in one of the biggies now.

ordinaryguy · Dec 1, 2006, 08:29 PM

Originally Posted by Lan

I guess, my next question is... what happens if I fall apart?

I'm not sure what "fall apart" means to you, but if you mean sob uncontrollably, you'll definitely feel better afterward. Crying seems to come much more easily to some people than others. It doesn't come easily to me. It's interesting that you mention being sick to your stomach, because that's how working up to a good cry felt to me. Sometimes it would take days. When the dam finally burst, it was the emotional equivalent of throwing up. After it's over you feel so much better you wonder why it took you so long to do it.

If you mean something more serious, like get really sick, or go into a severe depression, then the repair work takes a lot longer and costs a lot more. Learning to have a good cry when you need one can help keep it from coming to that.

Originally Posted by Lan

What if I have to actually ask for help from people who have offered it?

You will do them a great honor and give them a precious gift. Asking for help when you really need it is an act of generosity, not selfishness. Allowing others to share your burden gives them the chance to participate in an intimate and powerful experience that binds hearts together and makes friends for life. Don't deny them that opportunity.

Lan · Dec 1, 2006, 08:47 PM

You are right because when I offer to help I mean it and it is a great honor when someone trusts you enough to take you up on your offer.

I have another question, if you all don't mind. I have really been craving a quick fix out of this, something to make me feel better (so I don't have to go through it). In my twenties , this meant any kind of male attention. Now, in my thirties, I recognize this in myself and huge stop signs flash before me when I start to crave this sort of attention. I have been emailing back and forth with an old friend (male) and even though my feelings have always been platonic, I am finding his attention and care and conversation very comforting and it feels different to the attention I am receiving from others(or my reaction to it is different). So, of course, my stop signs, go up. I want to keep in contact with him because we talk about the fun stuff in life (books, movies, funny things that happen at work and our tendency to over think things) and we make each other laugh. But I am also really hesitant and I am not sure why. Why am I feeling this way?

- Should I have posted this as a question??

J_9 · Dec 1, 2006, 08:53 PM

My guess is that you are feeling this way because it is something you are missing in life right now. The 2 most important men in your life are gone.

Your stop signs are going up to warn you to be careful. Right now you are on the rebound. Maybe this guy knows that, I don't know, but he could be using that to get to you. I don't know him, so I can only guess.

Women's intuition is a very powerful thing. Pay attention to your "stop signs"

Lan · Dec 1, 2006, 09:01 PM

You really hit home with the "2 most important men missing" comment. I was married for ten years and I feel like a different person now than I was when I was 24!! As for my friend, he does seem genuine and he lives overseas permanently. I guess I was and am worried about my reaction to it it all. The feeling his attention gives me. I guess it makes sense given the two losses.

J_9 · Dec 1, 2006, 09:09 PM

Yes, it makes perfect sense. He is filling the gaps that are missing in your life.

You are a different person than you were at 24, married or divorced. Times change, we have to change with them.

I was once where you are, but I had children. I understand what you are going through. My father left my mother at the same time. I understand the hole you are feeling in your heart and in your soul.

However, it does get better with time. But time moves so slowly doesn't it? It does until we look back. Then we wonder where the time has gone.

It has been 16 years since I went through what you are going through. At the time I thought every day took a million years to get through, now I look back and it seems like yesterday.

The feeling his attention gives you is warm isn't it? It makes you smile again. It gives you hope.

Well, hold on to your smile, hold on to your hope. You will be whole again soon. It may seem unattainable right now, but it is possible.