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jenni9 · Nov 29, 2006, 02:16 PM

OK, Getting to the root of "husband prefers company of male friend" problem is harder than I thougt. I know I need better communication, but I need help with starting the converstaion. I tried to think of a way to get communication started to get to the "root" last night, but I'm at a total loss of words! My question is: What question do I ask to get the conversation started? I want to ask a question that is not attacking in nature, not directed towards Jay, that will get to the bottom of this, or get it started. I'm really trying, everyone, so bear with me. I need the right words and I can't come up with them on my own to get the lines of communication open. I want to do it right.

I know I promised not to post until I had a resolution or progress, but I need a jump start here. I'm trying. You all are GREAT with words, so just help me to get this ball rolling. All I'm asking for is a starting point that will work it's way to the root. I'm so simple minded that all I can think of is "is there something bothering you"? Or "is there something you want to talk about?" or "what would you improve about our marriage"?

I've got one shot tonight at starting this out in the right way. THis is harder than I thought, so YES, I must have a communication problem :(

Just give me the right words to start, does that sound silly? It does to me but it's so true!

Fr_Chuck · Nov 29, 2006, 02:25 PM

Why do you feel you have a problem? If he is not acting or behaving property and not wanting to talk about it, why is it now your fault.

This is a real sign of someone who has been mentaly abused in that they start blaming thierself for all issues.

And why be soft and nice, honestly, ask him "are you gay, it looks like it"

Or say what attorney do you want to use for the divorce,

Or what do you want to take before you leave the house.

He needs to know this is serious, and that it has to stop, NOW,

So beating around the bush and being nice about issues when it is at such a point is not my style.

If you want a nice word, make a appointment for a marriage counseler, and tell him he is to be there for couselding with you to save your marriage

valinors_sorrow · Nov 29, 2006, 02:39 PM

The thing is you have to bare your soul a bit first, Jenn. You start by saying "I have something important to talk about." Then when you have his attention you need to tell him how much his loyalty to Jay bothers you. In detail. Talk about how you feel when this or that occurred... how it made you think you were not important when you protested to no avail... or how much it crowded your space to be forced to share it with Jay, etc. Its all about you in this part of the conversation. Stay on topic. Don't let him interrupt by saying "let me finish and you'll have your turn". When you think you have described the problem adequately, stop talking and that better be under three minutes, LOL two is better. No one listens very closely past three. He may not really understand how much its hurt you. Let him answer to what you said and listen fully and without interruption. When he is done talking, ask for clarification to anything you don't understand. Begin to negotiate a solution together unless he says he knows all this. IF he says that, then ask him why does he continue to do it, knowing its hurting you. You are, in essence, asking him how does he ignore your feelings so easily and what does he think that will do. That is the important element in it, at least as I see it based on what you've presented in that other thread. Remind yourself and him, if he is receptive, that this (and anything else for that matter, really) needs to be negotiated to a mutually satisfying arrangement. If that can't be accomplished then it isn't much of a relationship and you both need to face that.

jenni9 · Nov 29, 2006, 02:52 PM

My kind of communication has been to hand him a jar of vaseline before he goes somewhere with him telling him he might need this, which of course starts a fight. That's been my kind of communication here until recently. I was just being mean, and do things to make him angry like that on purpose. I REALLY REALLY REALLY don't think he's gay, I just don't want to start an explosive fight by the way I've communicated in the past, and I have a hard time with words. Thanks.

valinors_sorrow · Nov 29, 2006, 02:59 PM

You are a part of the problem Jenn and he isn't about to stop if you aren't. Its just how it works...

Maybe you have your answer right here as to why he spends time with his friends over you. Change you and you might change him. But no changing you will guarantee you get what you have already.

jenni9 · Nov 29, 2006, 03:07 PM

I have had the other conversations telling my feelings and how I feel less important. I've spilled my heart out. The mean things have been recently because of anger of no resolution or progress. What I feel from everyone's help (and others in my life) is that there is something underlying that doesn't include Jay. That's what I'm trying to find out, and I feel that I don't need to mention him in what I say to him in my attempt at communicating on a different level. The mean accusations have been recent out of frustration. And we never spoke a harsh word toward one another before this---NEVER. Everything you mentioned above about bearing my soul I have done, on that note, should I not even try to communicate on a different level by not mentioning him? I thought he was a symptom and not the problem and I've got to find the real problem if that's the case!

valinors_sorrow · Nov 29, 2006, 03:18 PM

Originally Posted by jenni9

I have had the other conversations telling my feelings and how I feel less important. I've spilled my heart out. The mean things have been recently because of anger of no resolution or progress. What I feel from everyone's help (and others in my life) is that there is something underlying that doesn't include Jay. That's what I'm trying to find out, and I feel that I don't need to mention him in what I say to him in my attempt at communicating on a different level. The mean accusations have been recent out of frustration. And we never spoke a harsh word toward one another before this---NEVER.

There is more to it than Jay, but Jay is the gateway to it. And what the rest of it is, I believe, is two people who aren't living in the truth somewhere. Because the truth is, if your husband really cared for you, it would have been resolved to a mutual satisfaction and it wasn't. Caring people communicate, negotiate, and compromise-- and you two aren't able to do that with Jay. If I were you, I would be wondering why enough to want to go find out since that is not exactly a good sign. Either that or this just isn't really that important to you, in which case please quit posing here as if it is. I can appreciate being scared to confront some of this but it feels like you are committed to going round and round with it and I have to say politely at some point, I'm out. Bottom line is either its worth correcting or its worth leaving over but I would like to gently remind you that you complained about it like it was a big problem you were desperate to solve. We have offered solutions. If you don't want to take any of the suggestions, that is of course your choice.

jenni9 · Nov 29, 2006, 03:29 PM

If I were you, I would be wondering why enough to want to go find out since that is not exactly a good sign

I didn't understand that sentence, along with "this just isn't really that important to you"

Am I not trying to find out? Do I not feel this is important? I'm not trying to be a smart a$$ (REALLY) but I didn't understand those things.

Why did mostly everyone imply that he was "the symptom" not the problem... now I'm trying to get to the problem given the information I've been given here and now you tell me to stop posting if it's not important to me? Maybe I misinterpreted what you said, but that's the way I took it.

ALL I NEEDED WAS A SENTENCE TO COMMUNICATE; THAT'S ALL. I SAID I WAS HAVING A HARD TIME WITH MY CHOICE OF WORDS.

valinors_sorrow · Nov 29, 2006, 03:36 PM

Forgive me, you have stunned me into total confusion and I don't know how to help you. Perhaps others here will be more helpful to you. Good luck.

J_9 · Nov 29, 2006, 03:50 PM

How about this...

It is obvious Jay is more important to you than your marriage... Therefore, here are your bags and you can move in with Jay. Since you apparently care more for Jay's company than you do mine, I believe it is time you moved in with him. I am tired of him living in MY home. Here, I'll get the door for you.

teb · Dec 29, 2006, 10:12 AM

All I have to say is did anyone see the movie "Brokeback Mountain"?

I'm sorry but this is a classic closeted relationship. There is no way that your husband should spend more time with a man than with you his wife! I mean I understand going out with the guys and hanging out once in a while but this has gone toooooo far! It is obvious that this Jay guy doesn't respect you since he is the mistress he will always feel that way until you are out of the picture. He resents you because at the end of the day you get to go to bed with your husband. (I hope!) His poor wife hasn't got a clue or she doesn't give a crap. Last time I heard a marriage did not involve a third person. Look seriously, just get down to the root of it. Give him an ultimatum. That's it! Unless you are loving this drama. I wouldn't put up with it. If you are married to me you better believe that our family better be number one in your life not some loser who can't get a friend or is lusting over your husband! Wow that's tough! Good luck and good ridance!

Her · Dec 29, 2006, 03:07 PM

I think everyone is assuming that you have a problem with it. While in a comfortable and loving situation (maybe during cuddling or after sex) ask him softly (perhaps with an amused/inviting smile) if he had ever thought about being with another guy... Just tell him you were interested in understanding more about gays in general or something. I hope things haven't already gotten screwed up (especially around the holidays).

misslady111 · Feb 21, 2007, 01:27 PM

He doesn't want to be with you. I would separate from him and see what happens then. It sounds like he is sabatoging the relationship hoping you will end it so that he does not have to. Do you have sex and how often? How often does he go out with this friend? Is this the only friend or are there others? He may be gay and he may not but it doesn't sound like he wants to be with you. Sorry move on.