[MeeDee23]

I'm not going to make this a personal rant because I want it to apply to everyone... but I want people to contribute their opinions on what they think about this issue.

Everyone knows how relationships are in the beginning. Wow are they exciting! You can't think about anyone else but that new special person in your life and you are always smiling from ear to ear. Just being in contact with that other person is the most stimulating thing in the world to you. You think nothing can go wrong with this...

Time goes on and your relationship might stand the test of time and reach one year, two years, three years, and so on. That's great! And you have no doubt in your mind you two will stay together and be strong no matter what external adversity you might face. It's probably not something you actively think about, but deep down you might be taking that other person for granted. That emotional "fire" that was first present in your relationship has been put on the back burner. But again, this isn't apparent to at least one side of the relationship, because the "comfort zone" has come into play.

After a while, if the two people aren't actively engaged in talking about improving the relationship... sometimes frustrations and emotions become bottled up. One person decides the "fire" is gone and has serious doubts about the relationship that they act on (break-up, ask for space, etc.).

My thing is... doesn't it come to the point in every relationship that the fire seems to be gone? Is this not an issue that can be the true test of how strong a relationship is? The doubting person thinks there might not be hope. Down deep though, this could be the very thing (if the two decide to confront it) that brings the fire back like never before! Dealing with such a painful issue can be hard. But learning and growing together from something like this I believe can be what makes a couple flourish.

All I have to say is that, as relationships become more long-term, one or both sides will eventually have doubts and may or may not act on them. The question is, is such a special relationship thing worth giving up on the first time this happens? Or can the couple stand the test and fight through to see how fulfilling confronting something like this can truly be...



I really look forward to hearing peoples' opinions, because I know most of us have been in this situation before. If you have been on either side of this situation, share what you have done and what you think can be done to help others that will face this in time. Thank you.

[Geoffersonairplane]

That emotional "fire" that was first present in your relationship has been put on the back burner. But again, this isn't apparent to at least one side of the relationship, because the "comfort zone" has come into play.My thing is.....doesn't it come to the point in every relationship that the fire seems to be gone? Is this not an issue that can be the true test of how strong a relationship is?

I believe that what people fail to recognise is that real love is what is left over when this fire or spark you speak of is gone.

It takes maturity and understanding from both sides to achieve the success of working through this commmon factor of the fire burning out. Relationships take a lot of hard work and unless both parties understand the true meaning of the relationship, it will likely fail and one will decide to walk.

I'm sure it has a lot to do with maturity and perhaps experiencing a serious of relationships to understand all of this.

[NeedKarma]

I believe that what people fail to recognise is that real love is what is left over when this fire or spark you speak of is gone.

Very well said and so true. Unfortunately I have come to believe that some people are hooked on that exciting "newness" feeling to a relationship and long for it once it has faded - these are the serial daters we see.

[Wildcat21]

People confuse lust, smitten, infatuation, attraction with love. Love takes time - a lot of time - a lot time spending together.

Yes - you have ups and downs. Always. But you have to be committed and work on things - talk - talk and more talk. Cimmunicate - tell them what annoys. What you dis-like. What you love. Tell them what you need - find out their needs.

I know a certain lady who does this - she's 45 and falls in love with guys on-line profiles before they eve nmeet!! So it doesn't matter what age you are - love is confusing. Tis same lady think she falls in love at first sight - falls for this all the time - cofuses love with other stuff.

[MeeDee23]

My biggest thing that I have learned is that you shouldn't let what is bothering you consume you and have it really tear two people apart. Like you said, wildcat, it has to be a 2-way effort on communication, because relationships are hard work. It's disappointing to see someone give up so easily sometimes.

I'd like to think people wouldn't give up so easy on what could be a great thing if they only opened up and made talking a priority.

[Bluerose]

MeeDee23,

I think all relationships should be allowed to unfold at their own pace. Having said that, once in a serious relationship, it needs to be worked at. If you decide to go with the flow too much, then don't be surprised if the relationship flows right out the door. In a serious relationship there are things you can both do to keep the fire going - use your imagination.

We learn from every relationship we find ourselves in. You can't make someone stay when they want to go. You can't make someone love you. As painful as it might be, I think bowing out gracefully is the way to go. And keep in mind that the least said the soonest mended. It's the harsh words we can't take back that hurt so much.

If it ends, and you don't want a world war three situation on your hands, think before you speak. And remember it takes two to fight. Simply see the end of the relationship for what it is and don't rise to the bate of the other person's accusations. Clean breaks are less painful but most people need closure so a nice calm chat would be recommended if you can do it without accusations and recriminations.

Bottom line…. Move on, life is too short. Make love not war.

[ordinaryguy]

One of the biggest mistakes we make in love is to confuse power with indestructability. There's no denying the power of love, and that's true whether you're talking about that initial rush, or the quiet secure feeling of a mature love. In any case, the temptation is to think that because it is so powerful, it can withstand anything. But love is like a tree. No matter how old or large it grows, there are still things it can't endure. If it is subjected too often to the lashing storms of anger, or to extended periods of drought and thoughtless inattention, it will eventually wither and die. This is sad, even for a seedling, but it seems especially tragic when it happens to a stately and majestic specimen. After it reaches a certain level of maturity, it doesn't need the constant attention of the seedling stage (smothering can kill it as well), but there is still a minimum level of care and solicitude required to keep it alive and thriving. The thing is, it's pretty hard to know exactly where the line is, and too often by the time we realize we're close, we've already crossed it and it's too late. All I can suggest is to stay well back from the line. The extra effort required is so small compared to the regret that comes from crossing it that it's not worth the risk.

[valinors_sorrow]

Like Geoff and Ordinary Guy, I think there are stages to relationships that couples need to accommodate or weather. Each stage has its rewards and challenges. But relationships are really just an extension of the two people who are creating it. If more people realised that being with or married to a "jerk" in a way makes them also a "jerk", it might change a lot of things. The number one thing I see going wrong in relationships is people's failure to take responsibility for their part-- a really bad mistake.

If they are unstable rollercoaster people, then so will be the relationship. If they are stable but sleep walkers through life, then so will the relationship. If they are people who are alive and growing, who can take periodic self inventories, and strive to improve whatever may be holding them back, then the relationship will reflect that.

Where we get in the most trouble is one kind of person is hitched to another kind. Which is why it is wise to choose well. But that takes really knowing who you are and knowing what people are like in order to do that. And because people change in unpredictable ways, it takes awareness when a relationship-threatening difference is suddenly occurring and having the courage to say something, do something about it. It behooves to know that while some things are preventable, some are not repairable once the damage is done. Sadly, our culture doesn't place a great deal of importance on what I call "mindful living." So relationships are a great source of difficulty and the divorce rate is what it is.

I couldn't solve my relationship problems until I knew who I was and became free enough, courageous enough and honest enough to be her. Once I did that, I seemed to suddenly understand others too. It wasn't hard at all. Now I not only selected my spouse for similar reasons but I choose my close friends on a that basis as well. While being very diverse in many respects, we all are people who I would label as authentic and capable-- I believe those things matter more than any of the rest and I hope my posts here put that across too.

Thanks MeeDee for a great topic. I have enjoyed reading everyone's responses.

[talaniman]

Having been on both sides of a relationship, dumper and dumpee, the one thing I learned a long time ago, was that it is important to know who you are and what you are about. Many of us learn this through trial and error, and the more quick you can be honest with yourself the less error you have to go through. After being devastated by my high school sweety, the lesson was don't give anyone the power to change you and who you are. This led too much self searching and a journey for self awareness that has served me well during m trials and tribulations. Knowing what you stand for will stop you from falling for just anything.

[tadano]

In my recent relationship I've been on both sides of it. There was a time when the fire burned out for me, but I stuck through it, and actually wound up getting that fire back through a completely unexpected shock (but that's a whole other story in itself). Now, she's lost the fire, and id be lying if I didn't say a huge part of that was my fault.

That's actually why this hurt so much. Because in my own experience losing that fire and getting it back, my love for my ex transformed from that shallow initial "rush" kind of love that I had held for maybe a year or so, to that much deeper, "quieter" kind of love. Things were the same, but they were also very different.

Unfortunately, it took until now for me to realize that while my love had made the leap to that next level, hers hadn't. Of course she still loved me, but she loved me in a different way than I now loved her. I really think that's why this split happened. At first I thought I was just personally more mature than her. Now I see that it was actually my love that was more mature, and I see no way we could ever work things out in the future unless her love transforms, too.

[Geoffersonairplane]

unfortunately, it took until now for me to realize that while my love had made the leap to that next level, hers hadnt. of course she still loved me, but she loved me in a different way than i now loved her. i really think that's why this split happened. at first i thought i was just personally more mature than her. now i see that it was actually my love that was more mature, and i see no way we could ever work things out in the future unless her love transforms, too.

I really like the way you put all that and what you are saying makes a lot of sense!

[Geoffersonairplane]

Where we get in the most trouble is one kind of person is hitched to another kind. Which is why it is wise to choose well. But that takes really knowing who you are and knowing what people are like in order to do that. And because people change in unpredictable ways, it takes awareness when a relationship-threatening difference is suddenly occurring and having the courage to say something, do something about it. It behooves to know that while some things are preventable, some are not repairable once the damage is done. Sadly, our culture doesn't place a great deal of importance on what I call "mindful living." So relationships are a great source of difficulty and the divorce rate is what it is.

I was really interested in this response val. Just so I know I have the correct understanding, are you saying that when you are in a relationship with someone who is incompatible and you have failed to make the correct choice of companion, then this can transform you into being a similar person to them?

If this is the correct meaning of what you were getting across, then I am in total agreement.

I would also like to add that if the person who you are in a relationship with is not ready, or who has not found out who they are or what they want, it can mean that you are dragged along in their process of self-discovery. While this is happening, I believe parts of yourself become dormant as you become more and more involved in the relationship and the needs of the other person. Sometimes it takes a break to realise what was happening.

I think I am probably being subjective to my own experience but it probably has universal significance...

[valinors_sorrow]

I was really interested in this response val. Just so I know I have the correct understanding, are you saying that when you are in a relationship with someone who is incompatable and you have failed to make the correct choice of companion, then this can transform you into being a similar person to them?

I think we agree Geoff! I have seen incompatibility between types of people result in compromise but usually they both transform and meet in the middle in some completely new type. That honeymoon year following the wedding is often full of spats LOL, contrary to what we make it sound like, working that very thing out. However with that said, my relationship is an example of a sleep walker waking up and becoming like the other person entirely, and those I think are extremely rare. Its all because most people are (sadly and irrationally) afraid to look at themselves and objectively consider if what they are doing is working for them. They don't believe they can change when, good heavens, what a silly notion --they are changing every day! But more often than not, incompatible types go their separate ways, I think. People are stubborn.

I would also like to add that if the person who you are in a relationship with is not ready, or who has not found out who they are or what they want, it can mean that you are dragged along in their process of self-discovery. While this is happening, I believe parts of yourself become dormant as you become more and more involved in the relationship and the needs of the other person. Sometimes it takes a break to realise what was happening.

I think I am probably being subjective to my own experience but it probably has universal significance...

Your example is very very insightful. Waiting for someone is a total drag! And you have hit on a very important universal here. There should be some assessing how the other person is in the beginning and one of the more important factors to me is-- are they are as "empowered" as me, otherwise how uneven the partnership is will eventually cause friction that needs to be managed. You don't hitch a racehorse and a plowhorse to the same wagon. This does not mean they have to be the same as you, just able to manage the basics in life at about the same level as you. The older man who marries the little girl will most likely get left at some point simply because she stands a really good chance of outgrowing her need for a "daddy" as an example. Or like my famous rock star friend learned, you don't marry the groupie. Growing together over time is challenging enough without an uneven playing field to start with. To put it more bluntly, unless you like dominant-submissive arrangements (and I am not talking just sexual here) and know how to manage them, the ones with unequal power usually end up in trouble.