[ballybee]

I have never had the courage of dumping someone and I I don't think I'll ever do so unless I am in an abusive and life threatening relationship which has never been the case thanks be 2 God

Most of the posts on this forum are about dumpees and how to deal with the pain.. but what about dumpers?. how does it go for them.. I read somewhere that at some point dumpers have to deal with guilt.. in all my breakups, dumpers have cried while leaving? What's that about?

How does it feel to get into a new relationship after having dumped someone.. Have you ever regretted dumping someone?. What's the cycle of dumpers after having dumped someone?

Would be glad to have as many answers as possible..

[Allheart]

Great question ballybee,

Will be so interested in the responses.

[rol]

Yeah great question, I have never dumped anyone either so cannot respond ;-)

[Guy29]

I guess, if someone dumps someone else, it has to be basically because there's no more love on the table to sustain a relationship based on care of each other and joy.

I suposs that when you dump someone, you have to be sincere about the feelings you have or don't have anymore, and if the case presents, explain why those feeling go away.

I guess when you are honest with yourself and honest with someone who shared a love with you, the post dump process while pass without much or any guilt at all. Those situations of guilt came when we use the famous break up lines "Sorry, it's not you, it's me" or something, letting the other person hang on a fake hope or a confused stage of "what happened to us?".

Be honest, be subtle but honest, and both will do their emotinal analisis on their own and with the help of some time, we will move on..

[Hurty]

OK then
can I ask u why you are asking this Q?
it only mean that you are a dumper,,
u say why it all about dumpees... coz they really the once who got hurt
because when u dump someone means that u don't want him or her in your life..
and you are done...
why to feel bad then,
in other wise some people do that cz the relation z not healthy for them both
so if he or she didn't do that it will hurt them both badly
so it will be the best for them
hope I did something good here...

[ballybee]

Hurty,

Thanks for your opinion.. I thought I wrote I have never had the courage to dump some one and indeed I have never done it. In fact it actually appears that I will be a constant subscriber on the dumpees column...

However it is still wonder what happens on the other side because I am a firm believer that it is not the lack of sparks people call by some "love" that should drive someone to dump the loved one since these come and goes as the relationship evolves but some more fundamental reasons... this has been unfortunately the case for me.. so I have good reasons to ask myself what could have happened and what is happening now..

Hope I answered your question

[tomtomtom]

There must be a million reasons someone wants to dump someone else, they may want to be single again as they no longer find being in a relationship a joy and even though they may still have feelings for their partner and the sparks are still firing, there may be too many bad things about being in the relationship for them to deal with.

It can be really difficult sometimes being the dumper, I imagine that the reason some dumpers cry when doing the dumping is due to to them having to hurt someone that they still care for. In a way, I suppose in a funny way the dumpee should be happy that the dumper is upset about the dumping as at least it shows that they still care. Imagine the worst thing for a dumpee is when a dumper flatly informs them with no emotion in a matter of fact way that they're dumped.

In response to your questions ballybee it doesn't really feel any different when you compare starting a new relationship with starting a new relationship after dumping someone. Unless of course you jump straight from one relationship to another. I've got no experience of this as I always seem to have a period of between 1-4 months (normally depending upon the length of relationship I was in) between relationships.

Nope never regretted dumping anyone, imagine I like most people would have thought it through enough to 'know'/'convince themselves' that they are doing the right thing.

Cycle of the dumper, is pretty much the same as the dumpee with the exception that the dumper doesn't have to deal with the rejection of being dumped. So will probably be able to get over the break up better, but might as a result of being the dumper feel a bit guilty and bad about the fact that they have hurt someone they care or cared for. That's unless of course they're an inconsiderate selfish **** who doesn't care atall.

I've been on the giving and receiving end and the trickiest thing when doing the dumping is whether to be completely honest or not.

For example, I've never been in this situation but if I had met someone else, cheated on my girlfriend and wanted to leave her, what do you say. Do you tell them the truth, or do you give another reason. Obviously, If you cheat on your girlfriend then your either an ***hole, or there is something wrong in your relationship, actually change that 'or' on the last line to 'and'. So you could dump them and say 'you've met someone else' or instead ' say something isn't right in the relationship and your not happy'. Giving the 2nd reason behind the split, it's not a lie, your just not telling her the whole story to protect her feelings. I suppose this is a situation where your honest and at the same time subtle to let him/her down easilly.

This I suppose you could call an extreme case, but I recently got dumped and got given the "the spark is gone line", which was pretty harsh, made me thing: she no longer fancies me? She's discovered something about me that she doesn't like? In a way I would have preferred a "sorry it's not you, it's me line" or "I just don't think I can be in a relationship at the moment". But looking back, I suppose I should I'm glad she was honest and left no doubt in my mind.

Maybe dumpers dump people in this way (the sorry it's not you it's me line) because of their experiences as a dumpee, and only do it to protect the other persons feelings but inadvertently end up leaving the other partner on a fake hope or confused stage as guy29 mentioned above when they should just be honest in a subtle way so that this is avoided.

Liking the ammout of d's going into this post - dumper, dumpee and dumped, could be a film staring adam sandler.

[BlazingCold]

It can be really difficult sometimes being the dumper, I imagine that the reason some dumpers cry when doing the dumping is due to to them having to hurt someone that they still care for. In a way, I suppose in a funny way the dumpee should be happy that the dumper is upset about the dumping as at least it shows that they still care. Imagine the worst thing for a dumpee is when a dumper flatly informs them with no emotion in a matter of fact way that they're dumped.

That happened to me. When my ex told me at first over the phone, she was so matter of fact about it. Few things in my life hurt as much as her saying that in that way. I didn't know whether to just cry or fly into a rage (BTW, I did neither). When I saw her later that day, all of that attitude was gone, replaced by a heavy sense of guilt (I point blank asked her about what she was feeling, listing guilt by name, she nodded). I know her enough to know that the attitude over the phone was just an act, to force herself to do something she was unsure she wanted to do.

The "old" me swore to himself that he would never dump anyone, for any reason, as he wouldn't want to be dumped. But it isn't that simple. If your SO wants out, they want out for a reason that makes sense to them. It really doesn't matter if it makes sense for you. You can either try to force them to stay with you, which will breed resentment in a hurry, or let them go and sort themselves out. If you really love the other person, the choice is obvious.

I have no insight on how the dumper's mind works, but if they really loved and cared about you, they're hurting just as much as you are (maybe longer, as they have been thinking about this for some time, while you were oblivious).

[Geoffersonairplane]

I thought that these two quotes from Tal might help with this thread taken from one of my previous threads..

They are both about the dumper having a headstart in the grieving process.

The one making the break has a clear advantage of having longer to accept the relationship is over and their mind has been made up to move on. Most times they have had the time to plan the next move or diversion. The other person is caught by surprise , usually goes into shock and wonders what he/she did wrong.

And..

First remember that when break-ups occur, the person that initiates the break-up has such a head start in the healing game that they are not in the same same shock you are and have had a lot more time to accept this break-up and move on. Many times they have not invested emotionally the way you have either and are actually glad to be free of you, and have been looking around for some time. They don't have the emotional baggage that you carry and while you grieve, they are well down the road to the next relationship. In most cases, not all, they have nothing to heal from, since they're hearts weren't ripped out and thier minds were made up already. Hope this puts things in better perspective for you.

My ex cried after she broke up with me, although I did not see it, her mum told me shortly after and I know she did because I could see she was about to when I saw her face to face. She did not want to show me she cared though thereby prolonging the agony. Sh ehad also done it twice before and she called me up crying a week later. Quite a pattern but she was young and not ready for the kind of relationship we both had.

The dumper does have to deal with guilt, especially if they care for the person they are dumping. It does take a lot of courage to be the dumper (I would say) and especially doing it face to face which is the mature and correct way of doing it. My ex told me over the phone. I had to practically plead with her to tell me to my face... I don't agree with doing it over the phone at all, very cowardly and immature, especially after a serious, long term relationship.

When you dump someone after a short period, it is much easier because you are dealing with a less serious relationship. Sure there will be hurt but the more time and emotions invested in a relationship will determine how hard dumping someone will be.

It is true that being the dumpee is the hardest position to play on this board but I do firmly believe that it is also hard for the dumper, but they tend to have a distinct advantage in the process as described in the quotes from Tal above.

[ballybee]

I guess you're right Geoff.. I knew break-up was underway in my last relationship and in fact I was trying to fight it instead of dealing with it.. on my ex side I got all the clues and I was just waited for the bomb to drop after I last saw him.. he couldn't even do it over the phone and had to write it... I'm glad I learnt a lot from it... it's tough to be the dumpee.. since you're emotions are restrained and you can't enjoy the same closeness you had but I'd rather be that than dealing with any kind of guilt.. especially if the person was correct with me, gave 100% to the relation and have a clear conscience.. (I guess this applies in mature relations-- late 20s or in 30's)

[Bluerose]

ballybee,

That's a good question. Firstly, I would suggest dropping the word "dump" from you vocabulary and think more along the lines of ending a relationship.

There is nothing wrong with ending a relationship. Relationships end all the time for all sorts of reasons. And I think it is better to find out early on if the relationship is going to work or not, rather than find out five maybe ten years down the road where perhaps there are children involved.

The secret is to think ahead... Where do you see the relationship going? Can you see children in your future with this person? Do you see a happy relationship (keeping in mind that we can't be happy all the time) or do you see a relationship fraught with problems?

Ending a relationship:

http://easyweb.easynet.co.uk/simplepsych/ending.html

[Geoffersonairplane]

i knew break-up was underway in my last relationship and in fact i was trying to fight it instead of dealing with it.. on my ex side i got all the clues and i was just waited for the bomb to drop after i last saw him

Sometimes we ignore the warning signs (although are subconsciously aware of them) because we do not want to face up to the fact that there are problems and that the relationship is reaching it's expiry date (so to speak).

Next time, you will probably be better prepared for this kind of situation and not only will you recognise the early warning signs, but you will be in a better position to act on them too.

[ballybee]

Thank you bluerose,

I did actually think about the terminology but in the end.. I guess I chose those works to shorten the sentence.. I will try to use "ending a relationship next time"... I liked your post and the questions that you raised... which do apply in my particular case... the trouble is I have dated few but great guys.. even my first one... and all of them were meaningful and very enriching... and I do know it was the same on the other side... and how hard it must have been to "end an relationship with someone"

I guess that's why I raised this question

p.s I do hope this avatar is truly you.. it inspires wisdom and I do hope we learn more from you :) nevertheless great post

[rol]

<<Next time, you will probably be better prepared for this kind of situation and not only will you recognise the early warning signs, but you will be in a better position to act on them too.>>
I'm not so sure there are always warning signs... well mine came from nowhere and there was absolutely no warning signs, from him wanting to get married this year,and the week before him talking about where we would retire, The warning signs just happened 2 days prior when I didn't get my daily I love you and I felt something was a bit odd!

[Bluerose]

That's me, the wee Scottish woman in the blue dress. Lol

I would just like to add this -

If you are willing to learn from every relationship you find yourself in then your time is never wasted, even if it doesn't work out in the end.

[ballybee]

Rol,

You can't believehow I tried to make it right.. failed to turn things around.. looked for a divine intervention... coz I felt my ex seemed so right for me... and even when we broke up he told me.. I was hoping you could say something, do something to make things right.. but hey.. I thought 2 myself.. it's not a one person thing to save the titanic... if it is only about feelings I trust I will have a rationale explanation at some point on how we go there

I really and truthfully appreciated my last relationship because there was communication and all the way I knew what was the status of our relationship.. and I reckon this is why I do not have a hard time in my grieving process.. although I still ask myself questions that I post over here and try to get some answers...

Rol, I can imagine how hard it must have been especially if you had it all planned for a marriage.. I guess he succumbed to a last minute committmentphobia.. however I find it difficult as well to understand how you can go this far in a relationship and end it in such a way...

[Bluerose]

There's not always warning signs. My youngest sister's hubby of six years walk in from work one day, packed a bag and told her he was leaving. Said he had met someone else and thought it best to do this right away. He chose Christmas time to do it! She was devastated. Turns out he had met someone else and had been trying to get up the courage to tell her. So he blurts it out and runs, very brave.

With hubby and I, after twenty years of marriage and being through a lot together - he was a soldier, stationed in Northern Ireland on and off in the 70s, he was shot in 76 and almost blown up in 79, - struggled for five years trying to keep things going, then just sat down one night and talked things over and decided to divorce. All very amicably. In fact divorced since 91 and we had dinner on Sunday. He's around a lot and helps a lot with the young grandson I have living with me.

No matter how bad it gets try to remember the good time and the love you had for each other, respect each other and simply let go. Life is too short.

[Geoffersonairplane]

<<Next time, you will probably be better prepared for this kind of situation and not only will you recognise the early warning signs, but you will be in a better position to act on them too.>>
im not so sure there are always warning signs...well mine came from nowhere and there was absolutely no warning signs, from him wanting to get married this year,and the week before him talking about where we would retire, The warning signs just happened 2 days prior when i didnt get my daily i love you and i felt something was a bit odd!

I think perhaps I was talking from my point of view, on reflection of my recent experience. The warning signs I was foolish enough to ignore or not face up to (can't work out which :confused:... is there a difference?). The fact that she said on a couple of occasions that she missed her single life. Warning signs painted all over...

Yes, it's true, the warning signs are perhaps not always there but when they are, they seem more brighter and easier to see once the relationship has ended and you have had sufficient time to reflect on them..

You also choose to open your eyes to them after the break-up and accept that they were there.

[ballybee]

Did I get it right?. rol.. who ended the relationship.. him or you?

[rol]

Hi ballybee, yeah u got it right.he ended it.